I'm needy
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03-02-2017, 07:10 AM
RE: I'm needy
Funny how the people who are the biggest-hearted, most giving toward others, and basically the best human beings in general tend to be so self-deprecating.

You're wonderful, LD. I've never seen you post but to be thoughtful, or kind, or giving. Maybe recognizing in yourself what others see in you is a start.

Hug

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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03-02-2017, 07:11 AM
RE: I'm needy
Yoga really helped me. It has a lot of techniques that teach you how to be in better in control of your anxiety and emotions, instead of it being the other way around.

Yoga also teaches you to be happy with yourself as is, to accept yourself, to love yourself. I think so often society and even other people and especially ourselves--tell us we are not good enough. Yoga gives you tools to find peace within yourself.

Yoga has been life changing for me, so that's why I mention it to people, but I get that it's not something everyone is interested in. I think finding something you love, finding something you are really good at also helps build confidence. When you build confidence in yourself, it spills off into the ability to rely on yourself more.

If your friends are your true friends, they're there for you no matter what--just like you are there for them. That said, I think everyone needs a break from people sometimes, even your besties, but that doesn't mean that they don't still love you and care for you. Fights, disagreements, and hurt feelings happen sometimes in friendships. It doesn't mean they are over. If you feel your best friend has been doing a lot to be there for you, why not try and do something nice for him/her? Maybe invite them over and make them a nice lunch of one of their favorite foods. Maybe buy them a little gift or card to say thank you.

If you feel that you are taking more from the friendships than you are giving due to emotional reasons, maybe try and balance that out a bit. On the really hard days, reach out to your friends. On the days you can manage better on your own, maybe try and take a break from that with them. Possibly join a support group so you can talk to others who are dealing with some of the same things and who could be there for you as well, instead of it always being your friends.

Just some ideas Smile You always seem like such a nice, caring, funny person, so I can't imagine anyone just being your friend because they feel sorry for you.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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03-02-2017, 07:20 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 06:40 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  
(03-02-2017 06:17 AM)julep Wrote:  If you're there for your friends the same way they are for you, I bet they think it's a fair exchange.

Blush Maybe you're right. I definitely am always there for them, and for anybody who needs a talk. I just feel like it tends to be one sided. It tends to be me who's the mess.
Do you think they still think it's fair when I need them much more than they need me?

I sure hope they do. Maybe if you go into your interactions with a note in your mind to spend some time talking about your friend or mutual interests, or do fun friend stuff together when you can, it will help reassure you that you're still contributing to the plus side of the relationship?
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03-02-2017, 07:59 AM
RE: I'm needy
I went through a similar grieving experience to yours when I thought I had lost my best friend. She didn't die, I just felt convinced that our friendship was over and I grieved for my part in ruining it. I went and spent two months living and working on a farm. Physical labor and living in a community were huge for me. I got to process my grief and I was surprised to discover that it was a very different sort of sadness from the empty, self-centered depression I had been stuck in for years prior to that. Being able to distinguish feelings of grief from feelings of depression has helped me develop a much more positive outlook on life in the years since.

Two other recommendations: 1) realize that helping other people provides more happiness than helping yourself. Find ways to put others first - there are lots of nonprofits where you can donate your time to helping others. 2) Choose to be an optimist. Honestly, I need these principles for myself today. It's been a rough week.

It sounds like your relationship with others is a source of grief right now. Know that this doesn't mean "being needy" is written in the fabric of who you are. I recommend the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It's all about communicating needs to other people, and listening for their needs, for successful conflict resolution.
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03-02-2017, 08:05 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 06:53 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  You are right that losing a friend creates grief of some sort, even though the friend didn't die. I don't think I completely lost his friendship, but the closeness and trust we had towards each other. Feels like the same thing as losing him.
Homefully it's a process like you say, that I'll get through eventually. People get over way bigger loses after all. Like their friends of family members actually die.
It's very hard when you catch yourself wanting to talk to them and then realize you can't.

It's not some second class grief, it's real grief. Being dead or closely related has nothing to do with the physical reaction grief, and there are more people wondering why they did not feel grief when gramma died than there are people grieving about her.

Grief has to do with the brain sending out impulses that are impossible to fill (like picking up the phone and calling, like setting another place at the table, or even like going off to work in the morning if you are grieving the loss of a job). If you are sufficiently triggered by it, you can grieve the loss of a job, a friend, a home or whatever just as intensely as others may grieve the loss of their parents.

Grief is simply about loss, about thought processes being interrupted because something is missing, one of the "go to" places your brain uses regularly has disappeared and you misfire. It is the misfiring that triggers the rest of the physical reactions, crying for instance is a way to release calming chemicals in the brain.

So, it's very normal for you to grieve when you want to pick up the phone but the person to talk to has gone from that spot.

It helps to understand why you have all these feelings. They are perfectly justified and normal.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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03-02-2017, 08:05 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 02:02 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  I need to learn to rely on myself for emotional support, but I have no idea how.

That's definitely something the medical professionals should be helping you with. However that is also an aspect of your illness, a symptom.

(03-02-2017 02:02 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  I also become afraid that they are only my friends because, knowing my story, they feel bad for me.

That's your illness talking.

(03-02-2017 02:02 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  I spend a lot of time alone during the day, when everyone is at work (I'm officially handicapped by chronical depression and anxiety, so I don't have to work very much. I enjoy having so much time alone.)

As an introvert, I can see how that would be enjoyable. However, as you've noted, being alone means you have no one to talk to. Have you talked to your doctors/counselors about volunteering? Like at animal shelters or food banks and such. You would be helping others and that often makes people feel better.

Another suggestion is a pet, although there are a lot of caveats with that one. Cost, housing rules, allergies, etc. Is a dog or cat an option?

I'm not sure how your illness manifests. Panic attacks suck, but sometimes you can fight it by reminding yourself that it is an illness, brain chemistry. Write yourself notes to read or videos. Sometimes all you can do is ride it out.

Worries/Obsessive thoughts/etc. are different, easier in some ways, harder in others. The blind unreasoning panic is missing, but the subjects seem so legitimate, its hard to just ride it out.

If you find yourself jumping from topic to topic, worrying about one thing, then switching to another, you can use that as a point to counter your worries.

Also, identifying your triggers - what sets you off, that is essential. Every fight you avoid is a victory. It's also helpful if you know an attack might be coming. The ones that hit by surprise seem to hit hardest and be the toughest to fight off.

Exercise is also good. Or so I hear. Big Grin

Self education is also a good tool. Keep aware of the latest treatments, therapies, medications. New developments are constantly happening and the next one might be the one that helps you. Thumbsup

Help for the living. Hope for the dead. ~ R.G. Ingersoll

Freedom offers opportunity. Opportunity confers responsibility. Responsibility to use the freedom we enjoy wisely, honestly and humanely. ~ Noam Chomsky
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03-02-2017, 08:10 AM
RE: I'm needy
I have only two solutions to any of my problems.

Either wait for the right thing to come along, and do it, or keep doing the "wrong" thing until it becomes the right thing. Patience or persistence, basically.

I may be projecting here, but who isn't? I don't know you at all, but I'm extending my offer of friendship.

As for more selfless advice... Anytime you're overwhelmed, just take a step back and rise above it all. Take perspective. That ought to help.
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03-02-2017, 08:32 AM (This post was last modified: 03-02-2017 08:39 AM by GirlyMan.)
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 02:02 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  But how do I learn to manage my own feelings?

It's not easy. I spent a bit of time wandering around aimlessly in the outback without a guide, map, or even compass living off toad venom. It's very easy to get lost out there and never find your way back. Anywho, I think I got my feelings under control. And by under control I mean literally my under my control. I distanced myself from the feeling and let it run its course, but I didn't admit it as "my" feeling and just watched it dispassionately from afar. After watching enough of them I started to get a feel for the operating characteristics of each, their utility and disutility. I feel like I am now at the point where I can manipulate them directly and intentionally. Instead of them happening to me in reaction to a situation, I can employ as as I see fit to the situation. It's just a matter of recalling the right neural pattern. And now that I can pretty much command them at will, the only one that seems worth talking to at all is happy feet. When I find myself in awkward or uncomfortable or contentious or sad or unfortunate or anxious situations I think "How can I make happy feet work for me here?" Sometimes it means bringing a little levity to lighten up the situation, sometimes a happy dance is enough, sometimes a hug is all that's required, sometimes just a smile, and yes sometimes it means beating feet to get the hell away from the situation before happy feet ain't happy no more.

Be Happy Feet LadyDay!

#sigh
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03-02-2017, 08:38 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 08:32 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(03-02-2017 02:02 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  But how do I learn to manage my own feelings?

It's not easy. I spent a bit of time wandering around aimlessly in the outback without a guide, map, or even compass living off toad venom. It's very easy to get lost there and never find your way back. Anywho, I think I got my feelings under control. And by under control I mean literally my under my control. I distance myself from the feeling and let it run its course, but I don't admit it as "my" feeling and just watch it dispassionately from afar. After watching enough of them I started to get a feel for the operating characteristics of each, their utility and disutility. I feel like I am now at the point where I can manipulate them directly and intentionally. Instead of them happening to me in reaction to a situation, I can employ as appropriate to the situation. It's just a matter of recalling the right neural pattern. And now that I can pretty much command them at will, the only one that seems worth talking to at all is happy feet. When I find myself in awkward or uncomfortable or contentious or sad or unfortunate or anxious situations I try to think "How can I make happy feet work for me here?" Sometimes it means bringing a little levity to lighten up the situation, sometimes a happy dance is enough, sometimes a hug is all that's required, sometimes just a smile, and yes sometimes it means beating feet to get the hell away from the situation before happy feet ain't happy no more.

Be Happy Feet LadyDay!

Very cool. Recognize, accept and substitute. The first part is the hardest - self awareness, recognizing the thought, event, whatever triggers you. Once you got that, you can work with it.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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03-02-2017, 08:41 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 08:38 AM)Dom Wrote:  Recognize, accept and substitute.

Well now I feel all long-winded and shit. Big Grin

#sigh
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