I'm needy
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03-02-2017, 08:56 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 08:41 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(03-02-2017 08:38 AM)Dom Wrote:  Recognize, accept and substitute.

Well now I feel all long-winded and shit. Big Grin

Means nothing without the context you provided. Shy

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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05-02-2017, 04:51 PM
RE: I'm needy
I understand how you feel. I recently moved to a whole new place and the only person I feel close to here is my best friend, but he has other obligations. When I'm alone, it's hard to avoid negative thoughts. I am scared about what the future has in store for me. When I was home I at least I felt sheltered and on solid ground. Now, it feels like I'm plunging into an abyss. It's hard for me to get close to people and open up. I don't see a way to improve my situation at the moment. Not having a car isn't making things easier. Weeping
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05-02-2017, 05:14 PM
RE: I'm needy
(05-02-2017 04:51 PM)IgniteThought Wrote:  I understand how you feel. I recently moved to a whole new place and the only person I feel close to here is my best friend, but he has other obligations. When I'm alone, it's hard to avoid negative thoughts. I am scared about what the future has in store for me. When I was home I at least I felt sheltered and on solid ground. Now, it feels like I'm plunging into an abyss. It's hard for me to get close to people and open up. I don't see a way to improve my situation at the moment. Not having a car isn't making things easier. Weeping
Hi Ignite! I'm car-free, too. Thumbsup I don't live in a particularly good place for public transportation, either, so it's created some interesting challenges. The positives are: I'm in better shape from biking and walking, I over-book myself less because I realize I can only do one thing most nights, and my bank account is much happier because I do less impulse shopping.

Moving is simultaneously the hardest and best thing do to ourselves. Have you thought about the fact that you get to redefine yourself as whoever you want to be, in your new location? I recommend deactivating your Facebook account for awhile, so you aren't constantly seeing what friends are doing in your old location. I completely understand the loneliness that sets in with a big move. No matter who you are, close relationships take time to establish. One way to start could be simply to stop at the same cafe or grocery store checkout line every day and be sure to smile at the cashier and learn his or her name by heart.

I'd like to leave you with a story by Italo Calvino I go back to again and again. It's about the transitory nature of relationships and how, over time, the strings that attach us to others can become a prison. At that time, it's important to uproot and begin anew. But we all do this throughout our lives. So, in a way, we do it together. Hug
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09-02-2017, 07:31 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 02:02 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  I need to learn to rely on myself for emotional support, but I have no idea how. I get overwhelmed and get terrible panic attacks when I don't have a friend around to talk about my issues with. My sweet friends of course can't always be available to me 24/7 and they also can't solve my issues, so I get pretty draining on them.
I also become afraid that they are only my friends because, knowing my story, they feel bad for me.
I've just now very nearly lost a very, very dear friend of mine, because of this (this is putting it very simply, but the dynamic is there).
But how do I learn to manage my own feelings? Without getting panic attacks and without hurting myself.
It's so hard to have to carry these things alone.
I'm in treatment with a psychiatrist and a psychologist, and have been for a long time, but they can't cure me (literally everything has been tried and this is one of the absolute top psychiatrists in the country.) and they obviously can't be at my side 24/7 either.
As I said, I nearly lost the best friend I've ever had last night, and I don't have an appointment with my psychologist until the 22nd (psychiatrist even longer).
So I don't know what to do.
And as always, I'm needy and unable to deal with my own issues myself, so I'm reaching out to you, hoping you guys can tell me how you learned to rely on yourself rather than those around you.

Thanks guys

I'm in a very similar position to you, terrible panic attacks and all manner of dark imaginings feelings of impending doom hopelessness the whole nine yards. I try not to give advice here anymore mainly because the last time I tried to help someone on here they turned on me for no reason (not that I think you would do the same at all though) and also I'm not in control so I actually in this case literally have no advice to give you on how to manage your feelings.
However, I can empathize deeply and perhaps knowing there is someone else who suffers the same way will go some way to help ease the feelings of isolation these emotional issues frequently produce. I send you a friendly hug of support and understandingHug
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09-02-2017, 10:34 AM
RE: I'm needy
Oh wow, I missed two pages of replies!
I must somehow have missed the mail about replies.
Sorry guys, thank you for all the replies, I'll get right on with reading and answering!

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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09-02-2017, 10:38 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 07:10 AM)RocketSurgeon76 Wrote:  Funny how the people who are the biggest-hearted, most giving toward others, and basically the best human beings in general tend to be so self-deprecating.

You're wonderful, LD. I've never seen you post but to be thoughtful, or kind, or giving. Maybe recognizing in yourself what others see in you is a start.

Hug

Thank you so much! Blush It means so much to hear stuff like this. I have some psychological problems that, among other things, makes me scared of what people think of me. So hearing positive stuff like this is so nice! Heart

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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09-02-2017, 10:50 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 07:11 AM)jennybee Wrote:  Yoga really helped me. It has a lot of techniques that teach you how to be in better in control of your anxiety and emotions, instead of it being the other way around.

Yoga also teaches you to be happy with yourself as is, to accept yourself, to love yourself. I think so often society and even other people and especially ourselves--tell us we are not good enough. Yoga gives you tools to find peace within yourself.

Yoga has been life changing for me, so that's why I mention it to people, but I get that it's not something everyone is interested in. I think finding something you love, finding something you are really good at also helps build confidence. When you build confidence in yourself, it spills off into the ability to rely on yourself more.

If your friends are your true friends, they're there for you no matter what--just like you are there for them. That said, I think everyone needs a break from people sometimes, even your besties, but that doesn't mean that they don't still love you and care for you. Fights, disagreements, and hurt feelings happen sometimes in friendships. It doesn't mean they are over. If you feel your best friend has been doing a lot to be there for you, why not try and do something nice for him/her? Maybe invite them over and make them a nice lunch of one of their favorite foods. Maybe buy them a little gift or card to say thank you.

If you feel that you are taking more from the friendships than you are giving due to emotional reasons, maybe try and balance that out a bit. On the really hard days, reach out to your friends. On the days you can manage better on your own, maybe try and take a break from that with them. Possibly join a support group so you can talk to others who are dealing with some of the same things and who could be there for you as well, instead of it always being your friends.

Just some ideas Smile You always seem like such a nice, caring, funny person, so I can't imagine anyone just being your friend because they feel sorry for you.

Some great ideas! I've actually tried yoga. It was really nice, but too hard on my back. I think I get the same effect from drawing. It makes me feel good about myself. For some reason I haven't been drawing much for a while. I don't know why. Laziness maybe.

I try to make sure that my friends don't only see the days where I need help, but also the healthy days, where I'm able to have happy chats and be available to support them and have fun with them.

You are a very nice person Smile

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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09-02-2017, 10:52 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 07:20 AM)julep Wrote:  
(03-02-2017 06:40 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  Blush Maybe you're right. I definitely am always there for them, and for anybody who needs a talk. I just feel like it tends to be one sided. It tends to be me who's the mess.
Do you think they still think it's fair when I need them much more than they need me?

I sure hope they do. Maybe if you go into your interactions with a note in your mind to spend some time talking about your friend or mutual interests, or do fun friend stuff together when you can, it will help reassure you that you're still contributing to the plus side of the relationship?

I try to do exactly that. So they see that I'm actually doing well these days and am more able to be a "normal" friend. And to make sure we don't just talk about me, but just as much about them.

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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09-02-2017, 11:09 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 07:59 AM)port_of_call Wrote:  I went through a similar grieving experience to yours when I thought I had lost my best friend. She didn't die, I just felt convinced that our friendship was over and I grieved for my part in ruining it. I went and spent two months living and working on a farm. Physical labor and living in a community were huge for me. I got to process my grief and I was surprised to discover that it was a very different sort of sadness from the empty, self-centered depression I had been stuck in for years prior to that. Being able to distinguish feelings of grief from feelings of depression has helped me develop a much more positive outlook on life in the years since.

Two other recommendations: 1) realize that helping other people provides more happiness than helping yourself. Find ways to put others first - there are lots of nonprofits where you can donate your time to helping others. 2) Choose to be an optimist. Honestly, I need these principles for myself today. It's been a rough week.

It sounds like your relationship with others is a source of grief right now. Know that this doesn't mean "being needy" is written in the fabric of who you are. I recommend the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It's all about communicating needs to other people, and listening for their needs, for successful conflict resolution.

I actually talked to my psychologist about this. Keeping in mind that there is also "normal sadness" and that those feelings are healthy.
There was also another big factor the days around when I wrote this post. My doctor and I had just tried lowering a dose of one of my medications, after giving me more of another medication, due to side effects. This turned out to be a bad idea, because I completely cracked and had some bad, bad days. Which in turn resulted in my issues with my friend and the desperate post on here.
Thankfully I am doing significantly better now that the medicine dose is back up.
And on top of that, my friend and I talked it out. We realized that we'd both made mistakes and been stupid, and we moved on. Due to things our relationship is not the same as it used to be, and it is unlikely to ever be, but now that we've been through this period of tumult and moved on from that, I think emotions will settle down and we can turn the page and start a new version of our long friendship.

I will consider moving to the countryside Big Grin I actually grew up in the countryside and miss the nature, and having a horse, a lot! However, it is not possible at the moment. And I love it here in the city too!
I do get your point, and I think it is healing to get away from the life you're living when that life is trapping you and not allowing you to learn more about yourself and move on. I did the same ten years ago. I was 20 years old and in a horrible, horrible marriage and a horrible, horrible religion. I moved away from all that and started at the university. This was my "countryside".
I am in a different position these days fortunately, and I think I'll keep developing here, with my wonderful partner and great psychologist and psychiatrist all having my back. Along with my friends who it seems I haven't scared off yet, despite my wonky brain.

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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09-02-2017, 11:19 AM
RE: I'm needy
(03-02-2017 08:05 AM)Dom Wrote:  
(03-02-2017 06:53 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  You are right that losing a friend creates grief of some sort, even though the friend didn't die. I don't think I completely lost his friendship, but the closeness and trust we had towards each other. Feels like the same thing as losing him.
Homefully it's a process like you say, that I'll get through eventually. People get over way bigger loses after all. Like their friends of family members actually die.
It's very hard when you catch yourself wanting to talk to them and then realize you can't.

It's not some second class grief, it's real grief. Being dead or closely related has nothing to do with the physical reaction grief, and there are more people wondering why they did not feel grief when gramma died than there are people grieving about her.

Grief has to do with the brain sending out impulses that are impossible to fill (like picking up the phone and calling, like setting another place at the table, or even like going off to work in the morning if you are grieving the loss of a job). If you are sufficiently triggered by it, you can grieve the loss of a job, a friend, a home or whatever just as intensely as others may grieve the loss of their parents.

Grief is simply about loss, about thought processes being interrupted because something is missing, one of the "go to" places your brain uses regularly has disappeared and you misfire. It is the misfiring that triggers the rest of the physical reactions, crying for instance is a way to release calming chemicals in the brain.

So, it's very normal for you to grieve when you want to pick up the phone but the person to talk to has gone from that spot.

It helps to understand why you have all these feelings. They are perfectly justified and normal.

Thank you for helping me allow myself to grief over it.
My friend and I had a talk, and we can still be friends of some sort, but due to emotional circumstances and situations around us it is impossible for us to get back the relationship we used to have. It's a long story and I'm not quite ready to share it.
Either way, I lost the friendship I used to have and I will miss that for a long, long time. I don't imagine that to ever go away.
But I will allow myself to frieve over it. Allow myself to cry over it and miss that piece of my heart. Allow the myriad of different feelings that show up. Even being angry, at noone and for no clear reason, just about the cards life sometimes deals.
It's a process I guess, and surely it will heal in time and settle in to a new reality.

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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