I'm so scared!
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28-06-2013, 08:15 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
Good luck, dude.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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28-06-2013, 08:18 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
(28-06-2013 08:14 PM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Is she moving away from her friends? a considerable distance? More than 4hr road trip? Teens think nothing of driving 4hrs to drop off a bag of weed. and driving back home in a day.
It's probably a good thing to break her off from her friends. Her friends cause her trouble. You might want to confiscate her phone, and any other gadget she can use to communicate with them the moment you meet her. Leave them with who ever is dropping her off. In the parking lot, when you are picking her up is when you need to do this. She can break ties to the past, come with you and start fresh, or she can walk.

Remind her- your house-your rules.

if she gives it up....go an hour down the road, stop for ice cream, because ice cream makes it all good, and thats when you hit her with the other rules.

check Thumbsup
9 hour drive one way with the Ozark Mountains in the way to boot. Scratch distance off the list,...I hope.

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28-06-2013, 08:23 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
(28-06-2013 08:15 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  You said your brother won't have her back, have you talked to him?

she was staying with her mother's sister, who called my brother, who then called me. Haven't spoken more than a few words with him since "the vacation" years ago. He asked if I'd give it a try because he wouldn't have her. It "all" started when she was 13. We've already spoken about the whole deal. It wasn't pretty.

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28-06-2013, 08:24 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
(28-06-2013 08:13 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  and I don't get a lot of family time based on my past.

your past might be the thing that connects you two.

I don't know what your past is, but she might be having many of the same feelings, possibly just under different circumstances.

If you did alot of drugs don't elaborate much on it, it gives the impression that its ok, even though you are now frowning upon it. Same with sex, etc. Guide with understanding, but the details really shouldn't be shared with her.....a teen in a fragile point in her life.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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28-06-2013, 08:28 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
Dom and B&A, awesome stuff. Thumbsup TheGulegon, you're brave and courageous for taking the responsibility of taking your niece in. Best of luck to you. Continue networking during this new phase in your life. I hope you find more supports to find new coping strategies for yourself and her.

It's okay to be scared and in fact it's normal. Try to get a good nights sleep, despite.

Take care and keep us posted,

CTS

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28-06-2013, 08:31 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
(28-06-2013 06:38 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  I don't even know how to say this.

This is probably going to spell the end of my relationship with a woman, and her 2 friends, who were never around for anything but "fun". I don't think I'll miss "it", but I get so lonely, sometimes, it physically hurts. It feels like I always need someone to hold, or I'll go crazy. But I seriously doubt they'll stick around for this.

My niece NEEDS to come live with me! My older brother won't have her back, her aunt won't take her in, and her mother is certifiably bat-sh*t crazy. I'm basically the last stop before she has no one. ....and I'm f**king TERRIFIED! She's 16, and had her fair share of problems; she's no angel. But I love her, so despite what I know it will do to my current love triangle, I just CAN'T turn her away!! I wouldn't. But I'm not a parent; probably the last guy on Earth you'd want responsible for a "problem" child. I worry that she'll force me to take disciplinary actions I regret, like calling the cops, or even kicking her out, or that I'll blame her for the loss of my lust outlet. That sounds bad, but I can be weak, at times. I think about the "loss" and nearly break down, I think about what I'm going to do with a young lady I don't want to see end up a street person and nearly throw up with so much stomach ache. And if it all goes south, I'll be completely alone again.

Sorry. Had to vent/spew that out to someone. No one else in the family seems to give a shit. I'm not kidding, though! I guess I am weak; I'm so fucking scared Weeping

Reading between the lines re your current relationship; take it to be sexually interactive among the group re "fun", though could be other fun.
Do you think you can really help your niece? Would your situation worsen her life?
You are certainly between a rock and a hard place. Can you negate your lustful feeling with your partner (others?) to help your niece or will your efforts simply complicate everything?

I had some really complex family issues for decades, tried to help, but in my own disturbed state simply seemed to make events worse. It was really heavy stuff!Evil_monster
Would your niece be helped by your misery, frustrations and possible bad attitude.
RElatives can't answer for you, you need to sum up for yourself.

I was in to all kinds of weird behavior, group interaction, lust, addictions, none of which made me a good carer for myself, let alone other stuggling human beings. Been there, tried and failed. Needed to assess myself adequately first..... Good luck!
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28-06-2013, 08:43 PM (This post was last modified: 28-06-2013 09:15 PM by TheGulegon.)
RE: I'm so scared!
(28-06-2013 08:31 PM)Mr Woof Wrote:  
(28-06-2013 06:38 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  I don't even know how to say this.

This is probably going to spell the end of my relationship with a woman, and her 2 friends, who were never around for anything but "fun". I don't think I'll miss "it", but I get so lonely, sometimes, it physically hurts. It feels like I always need someone to hold, or I'll go crazy. But I seriously doubt they'll stick around for this.

My niece NEEDS to come live with me! My older brother won't have her back, her aunt won't take her in, and her mother is certifiably bat-sh*t crazy. I'm basically the last stop before she has no one. ....and I'm f**king TERRIFIED! She's 16, and had her fair share of problems; she's no angel. But I love her, so despite what I know it will do to my current love triangle, I just CAN'T turn her away!! I wouldn't. But I'm not a parent; probably the last guy on Earth you'd want responsible for a "problem" child. I worry that she'll force me to take disciplinary actions I regret, like calling the cops, or even kicking her out, or that I'll blame her for the loss of my lust outlet. That sounds bad, but I can be weak, at times. I think about the "loss" and nearly break down, I think about what I'm going to do with a young lady I don't want to see end up a street person and nearly throw up with so much stomach ache. And if it all goes south, I'll be completely alone again.

Sorry. Had to vent/spew that out to someone. No one else in the family seems to give a shit. I'm not kidding, though! I guess I am weak; I'm so fucking scared Weeping

Reading between the lines re your current relationship; take it to be sexually interactive among the group re "fun", though could be other fun.
Do you think you can really help your niece? Would your situation worsen her life?
You are certainly between a rock and a hard place. Can you negate your lustful feeling with your partner (others?) to help your niece or will your efforts simply complicate everything?

I had some really complex family issues for decades, tried to help, but in my own disturbed state simply seemed to make events worse. It was really heavy stuff!Evil_monster
Would your niece be helped by your misery, frustrations and possible bad attitude.
RElatives can't answer for you, you need to sum up for yourself.

I was in to all kinds of weird behavior, group interaction, lust, addictions, none of which made me a good carer for myself, let alone other stuggling human beings. Been there, tried and failed. Needed to assess myself adequately first..... Good luck!

It's difficult to explain in words. I don't think I'm addicted to anything save not being alone. I've never really wanted anything for myself; more someone else to want something for, if that makes any sense. But here the consequences of not providing what's needed, or doing so improperly, seem dire! I could be blowing it out of proportion over it being so new, but this is one I don't want to fuck up!!

uhhghgh my gawd, I'm gonna try for sleep! Thank you everybody Hug

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28-06-2013, 10:13 PM (This post was last modified: 29-06-2013 02:01 PM by Anjele.)
RE: I'm so scared!
Amazing that you are willing to step in and take on a teen aged girl...I wouldn't have another one for love nor money...the two I raised were plenty!.

Dude, if you are the last resort for her...she is either going to straighten up or end up somewhere she surely doesn't want to be.

I agree with a list of expectations...clean up behind herself, specific household chores, curfews, etc.

So you did some crazy stuff when you were younger...many future parents do things that they will go on to tell their kids not to do.

Maybe try sitting down and talking with her and let her know there are some guidelines that go along with you offering her a place to live. Find out how well she understands the seriousness of her situation.

As for the 'friend' sounds like you have a lot of changes coming up. Stepping up and taking responsibility for trying to get your niece on a better path may do a lot for you as well as for your niece. You may find that you are a lot stronger than you think.

We're here, even if it's just for you to rant to.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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29-06-2013, 12:11 AM
RE: I'm so scared!
(28-06-2013 06:38 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  I don't even know how to say this.

This is probably going to spell the end of my relationship with a woman, and her 2 friends, who were never around for anything but "fun". I don't think I'll miss "it", but I get so lonely, sometimes, it physically hurts. It feels like I always need someone to hold, or I'll go crazy. But I seriously doubt they'll stick around for this.

My niece NEEDS to come live with me! My older brother won't have her back, her aunt won't take her in, and her mother is certifiably bat-sh*t crazy. I'm basically the last stop before she has no one. ....and I'm f**king TERRIFIED! She's 16, and had her fair share of problems; she's no angel. But I love her, so despite what I know it will do to my current love triangle, I just CAN'T turn her away!! I wouldn't. But I'm not a parent; probably the last guy on Earth you'd want responsible for a "problem" child. I worry that she'll force me to take disciplinary actions I regret, like calling the cops, or even kicking her out, or that I'll blame her for the loss of my lust outlet. That sounds bad, but I can be weak, at times. I think about the "loss" and nearly break down, I think about what I'm going to do with a young lady I don't want to see end up a street person and nearly throw up with so much stomach ache. And if it all goes south, I'll be completely alone again.

Sorry. Had to vent/spew that out to someone. No one else in the family seems to give a shit. I'm not kidding, though! I guess I am weak; I'm so fucking scared Weeping

It's a hard call. I will say there are probably a few things amiss here.

You say she's no angel and I'm guessing that that has something to with her older brother and aunt's attitude toward housing her. I'm guessing as well that also has a lot to do with it possibly being a deal breaker with he woman you're currently with as well. If she's suffering from mental illness, suicidal, engaging in criminal activity, getting high, etc. it will be something the authorities will have to intervene on and this woman you're with has every right to object. The girl would be a serious liability to have as a guest in your home.

You'll need to discuss this with your friend and get her take on this situation. If she's willing to to host your niece, you two will have to set out some very strict limits for what's acceptable. If you have large amounts of unsecured cash/jewelry/valuables/vehicles/firearms in the house, get them out of there before she arrives. Make sure your niece knows the rules and whats expected of her. Getting high, skipping school, ignoring curfews, becoming pregnant, committing crimes or hanging out with criminals or criminal types is out of the question. If she violates these limits you let the hammer fall, and don't think twice about it. It's tough love but it might just be what she needs to get her act together.

Best of luck in this situation.

"IN THRUST WE TRUST"

"We were conservative Jews and that meant we obeyed God's Commandments until His rules became a royal pain in the ass."

- Joel Chastnoff, The 188th Crybaby Brigade
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29-06-2013, 06:31 AM
RE: I'm so scared!
(28-06-2013 08:14 PM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Is she moving away from her friends? a considerable distance? More than 4hr road trip? Teens think nothing of driving 4hrs to drop off a bag of weed. and driving back home in a day.
It's probably a good thing to break her off from her friends. Her friends cause her trouble. You might want to confiscate her phone, and any other gadget she can use to communicate with them the moment you meet her. Leave them with who ever is dropping her off. In the parking lot, when you are picking her up is when you need to do this. She can break ties to the past, come with you and start fresh, or she can walk.

Remind her- your house-your rules.

if she gives it up....go an hour down the road, stop for ice cream, because ice cream makes it all good, and thats when you hit her with the other rules.

As for gadgets, if you take away her phone and computer you might want to put passcodes on yours. TV too if you have any adult channels.

"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's."- Mark Twain in Eruption
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