I'm so scared!
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30-06-2013, 08:30 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
This is just a thought, for further down the road, once your niece is settled in and is doing okay.

I suggested earlier that an after school job and/or volunteer hours would be a good thing for her, and I had an idea in that regard today - she might really relate to volunteering at the SPCA, and looking after dogs and cats that have been abandoned by their families, some for health reasons, but others because they just weren't what the people had expected of them. Not the pet's fault, right?

When she's ready for the responsibility, maybe she could adopt one of these little critters and have that unconditional love from a pet that she didn't get from her parents, and have a special bond with a pet that helps keep her grounded and gives her something worth coming home for every night - there's nothing quite like cuddling up with your pet and telling them stuff you don't feel safe sharing with anyone else.

Like I said, it's not something for right now, and I wouldn't use it as a carrot to get her to do stuff that you want her to do, but maybe at the 6-month or 1-year anniversary of things going well at home and school. She needs to be ready for the responsibility (and so do you, because you have to like the pet she brings home... lol)

. . . all the gods were stories we told the children to make them behave. ~ Thoros of Myr (Game of Thrones, Episode 3:06)
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30-06-2013, 08:37 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
(30-06-2013 08:30 PM)Scully Wrote:  This is just a thought, for further down the road, once your niece is settled in and is doing okay.

I suggested earlier that an after school job and/or volunteer hours would be a good thing for her, and I had an idea in that regard today - she might really relate to volunteering at the SPCA, and looking after dogs and cats that have been abandoned by their families, some for health reasons, but others because they just weren't what the people had expected of them. Not the pet's fault, right?

When she's ready for the responsibility, maybe she could adopt one of these little critters and have that unconditional love from a pet that she didn't get from her parents, and have a special bond with a pet that helps keep her grounded and gives her something worth coming home for every night - there's nothing quite like cuddling up with your pet and telling them stuff you don't feel safe sharing with anyone else.

Like I said, it's not something for right now, and I wouldn't use it as a carrot to get her to do stuff that you want her to do, but maybe at the 6-month or 1-year anniversary of things going well at home and school. She needs to be ready for the responsibility (and so do you, because you have to like the pet she brings home... lol)

You have some fantastic ideas! Have you considered writting a book on how to cope with teens?

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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30-06-2013, 09:14 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
Scully the teen whisperer
You're awsome!

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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01-07-2013, 10:11 AM (This post was last modified: 01-07-2013 10:28 AM by Scully.)
RE: I'm so scared!
(30-06-2013 08:37 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  You have some fantastic ideas! Have you considered writting a book on how to cope with teens?

Thank you for your kind thoughts, FC. There are people far smarter than me who have already written books on the subject. I'm just sharing their wisdom, and what worked for my family, in the hopes that it helps TheGulegon, his niece, and their extended family.

One more suggestion that really helped us is The Rule of SHALT. The Rule of SHALT is that discussions/negotiations with or discipline of a teen does not occur when you are

Sick
Hungry
Angry
Late
Tired

These energy draining/stressful physical conditions give the teen an upper hand in manipulating a situation to their advantage IF you continue to engage them. If any of these conditions or a combination of these conditions are present, you have the right to stop the discussion and say something like "It's 2:30 a.m. and I am tired and upset. We will discuss the consequences of your staying out past curfew after I've had some sleep and am in a calm state of mind." You have to speak in a calm, quiet and firm manner. NEVER lose your cool with an unruly teen, because they get a huge payoff from seeing you angry and frustrated. Disengage from confrontation or potential confrontation and state your intention to revisit the situation once you are in a better physical/emotional state.

I work a lot of night shifts and my teen was a master of waking me up while I was trying to rest to "ask permission" to do stuff, and later I wouldn't recall the conversation, only that she woke me up, pissed me off and disturbed my sleep before my night shifts. I had to anticipate this behaviour and for a while it became a mantra that I'd repeat for the 20 minute commute home from work in the morning: "I'm trying to sleep, I can't give you a good answer until I've had enough rest" over and over and over. That doesn't mean the behaviour stopped immediately - au contraire - she ramped it up and pestered me even more for a couple of weeks until she saw that I was holding my ground.

. . . all the gods were stories we told the children to make them behave. ~ Thoros of Myr (Game of Thrones, Episode 3:06)
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01-07-2013, 11:36 AM
RE: I'm so scared!
I gotta say this, though! I've never been able to turn anyone away. Took care of the brother (still am), Mom and Dad (at the end) a crazy girlfriend. And I can't say it did ME any good! I can say what a nice guy I am, alone, at 50. I'm afraid I'll die young, because I have nothing to live for and have developed very bad habits. So, I'm not going to say you should do this! I think you have to think about it very carefully. There are two people here, who can be thrown under the bus. One of them is you! I wish the best with this very difficult decision!
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01-07-2013, 12:31 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
Oh and dude, make sure you buy yourself a kick ass safe. Your wallet, cell phone, credit cards, cash, checks, car keys (prescription medication and weapons if you have them) go in there whenever you are not using them yourself. Don't offer temptation to a teenager you don't trust.

. . . all the gods were stories we told the children to make them behave. ~ Thoros of Myr (Game of Thrones, Episode 3:06)
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02-07-2013, 01:51 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
I'm swiftly coming to the conclusion that maybe some of the stories I've been told are slightly exaggerated! Girl's got her GED, has some sort of scholarship, and recieved a pell grant. All confirmed by family. Still not an angel; talked all the way home, and most of our free time since. Don't want to talk about any of it, but she seems to want to move forward.

Yesterday I took her to PizzaHut, McDonalds, Sonic, Taco Johns, and Family Dollar to put in apps here in town so she could walk to work if absolutely necessary.

I've already allowed her her cell back so long as she talks on it with me in the room. She seems mostly interested in typing on facebook. Today she used it to call up this nursing home to see if they do CSA training. Cerified Nursing Assistant, I think. 10.1 miles from us. Don't know how I'll swing it, but will figure something out.

.....should I feel bad that a problem child has her shit together better than her Uncle? Tongue

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02-07-2013, 02:02 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
Glad to hear its off to a good start.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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02-07-2013, 02:10 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
(02-07-2013 01:51 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  I'm swiftly coming to the conclusion that maybe some of the stories I've been told are slightly exaggerated! Girl's got her GED, has some sort of scholarship, and recieved a pell grant. All confirmed by family. Still not an angel; talked all the way home, and most of our free time since. Don't want to talk about any of it, but she seems to want to move forward.

The fact that she's got her GED and a scholarship and grant money means she will hopefully be motivated to further her education.

Quote:Yesterday I took her to PizzaHut, McDonalds, Sonic, Taco Johns, and Family Dollar to put in apps here in town so she could walk to work if absolutely necessary.

This is good stuff too.

Quote:I've already allowed her her cell back so long as she talks on it with me in the room. She seems mostly interested in typing on facebook. Today she used it to call up this nursing home to see if they do CSA training. Cerified Nursing Assistant, I think. 10.1 miles from us. Don't know how I'll swing it, but will figure something out.

She may meet someone there who lives not too far away and would be willing to help her with transportation. See what she can arrange on her own and use some of the money from her dad to give her ride some gas money.

If there is a community college nearby she might want to look at courses for Personal Support Worker, LVN (Licenced Vocational Nurse), or PCA (Patient Care Attendant). The terminology may vary from one state to another, but some of these courses are quite short term (like 12 weeks for the PCA course here) and will help her get a foot in the door. Then she can use that education and experience toward furthering her education even more. Does she have an idea of what she wants to do as a career?

Quote:.....should I feel bad that a problem child has her shit together better than her Uncle? Tongue

I have a feeling you'll both be learning a lot over the next weeks and months together. Smile Not a bad thing at all.

. . . all the gods were stories we told the children to make them behave. ~ Thoros of Myr (Game of Thrones, Episode 3:06)
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02-07-2013, 02:18 PM
RE: I'm so scared!
Bring up the 'personal' questions..... drugs, alcohol, sex, - set her up with a doctor and dentist. No surprises.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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