I'm very hurt and very afraid
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03-07-2013, 03:39 AM
I'm very hurt and very afraid
Lately I have been extremely depressed. It is a very long story but...

It all started when I was 16 and came out as gay. It was not by choice (my ex girlfriend's mother read her diary and found out about us and told my parents) because I was scared at the time. My family is very conservative and I grew up in a small town. My family was shocked but they did not kick me out. Things were very tense though. I ended up moving out at 18 and had hardly any contact with any of them. I worked and lived on my own with my girlfriend until we broke up. I was completely alone and tried to kill myself but woke up the next morning having thrown up all the pills I had taken the night before. I didn't care much about anything after that.

I started doing drugs with friends at the time often and started shoplifting because I had very little money. I knew it was all wrong but I did not care. I ended up in jail and no one in my family would post three hundred dollars for bail so I spend four months there with my father coming to see me twice and my older sister once the entire time. All my friends abandoned me. I got out of jail and stayed with my older sister. I had a hard time finding a job but I did eventually. It was fast food and I hated it. My sister ended up getting a divorce and telling me I couldn't stay with her so I moved in with my best friend and her boyfriend at the time. I lost my job because I was still doing drugs and drinking a lot.

Things got really bad. My best friend soon after broke up with her boyfriend and left me in the house with him. A friend of his moved in and they all started to treat my very badly because I had no job and no car and no family support so I had to go out everyday and look for a job on foot. I didn't have my own room or a bed so I slept on the coach. One night they where all drinking vodka and gave me some. I was drunk and later in the night they gave me more vodka telling me it was water and I was too drunk to know the difference. They were bad people. Another friend of theirs that hardly knew me turned me over that night or I might of choked on my own vomit.

I ended up getting a temp job at the factory the girl who helped me that night worked at. We hit it off right away and I helped her with her son so I ended up moving in with her. It all went great until her boyfriend got out of jail. He was very homophobic. I started stealing again. I had become quite a kleptomaniac at this point. I ended up going to jail again because I was caught stealing shoes for a younger brother of the friend I was living with. They let him go because he was 16. I went to jail again and rarely got a visit or letter from anyone again.

When I got out after a half a year in jail and a year in the work release program I went to the homeless shelter because I did not want to live with friends again. My sister was there too because our father had kicked her out of the house. It was very religious and had mandatory church twice every sunday and wednesday nights and for the first two weeks you had to go every night for a service. I am an atheist and I hated the place. They didn't help anyone get jobs or go to school. They wanted people to help them with work at local churches and in keeping up the shelter. One man had been there 20 years. I went to the library daily to apply for jobs and check my facebook and watch videos and there I met my current fiance. It was the time I think I needed someone the most.

My sister ended up through social security (she has aspergers) getting an apartment and I enrolled in college and moved in with her. I went to school because I could not find a job with my felonies. I went two semesters and quit because we needed money to pay rent and bills. I found a job and am now working and living with my sister. I don't make as much as she does and it seems any guy she dates thinks I am taking advantage of her even though I help with bills and food.

My family thinks of me as a fuck up even though I haven't been to jail in 4 years and no longer steal. They dislike me for being an atheist and ignore I am gay even saying things about gay people that are bad in front of me. I've lost touch with friends and the only people I really have that love me for who I am are my little sister and my fiance but she lives overseas until we save money to bring her here. I spent a few weeks with her earlier this year and met her family and we have been together 3 years and know we want to marry but because she is not from the USA and we are a gay couple I feel like it will be very hard to bring her here to be with me and I feel depressed and lonely.

I don't know what to do. I'm depressed all the time and cry a lot. I'm saving money but I am a waitress and I don't make much. My fiance lost her job and lives in a country with a very bad economy and high unemployment and has not been able to find a job. My sister is saving some too. I get sick of coming home to no friends and little family after being treated like crap by customers at work. I want a better job but I need the money and with felonies I don't see the point in looking much because no one will take me. I feel like a fuck up and I don't want to be stuck where I am right now any longer. I would give anything to have my family back and my friends back. I feel very alone and very scared.
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03-07-2013, 05:54 AM
RE: I'm very hurt and very afraid
That was a long and painful story. Hope shit gets better for you.

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03-07-2013, 06:25 AM
RE: I'm very hurt and very afraid
Looks like you'll have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps the slow way. Why don't you see if you can take evening classes so in a couple of years you can move on to a better job?

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03-07-2013, 12:20 PM
RE: I'm very hurt and very afraid
Well. Don't worry. We are not going anywhere.
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03-07-2013, 12:29 PM
RE: I'm very hurt and very afraid
That is a big part of it that wears you down. All the people that leave when things get rough.

I think more classes are what I need but with the felonies I really don't know if I can get a better job for awhile. I just need the money so I have to keep working in any case.
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03-07-2013, 12:36 PM
RE: I'm very hurt and very afraid
I think classes are the right route.

Read this article, maybe it will help.

job article


try making friends at school, at work, with neighbors. these are people you come in contact with regularly and hopefully life won't be so lonely.

come here often,there's always someone here to reply to posts. Smile

also, look into meetup.com for groups in your area with similar interests as you.
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03-07-2013, 01:34 PM
RE: I'm very hurt and very afraid
(03-07-2013 03:39 AM)VolkKat34000 Wrote:  Lately I have been extremely depressed. <snip> I don't know what to do. I'm depressed all the time and cry a lot. I'm saving money but I am a waitress and I don't make much. <snip> I feel very alone and very scared.

You tell your story well... although it is sad and worrisome. I think you need to find a counselor, a doctor... psychologist or psychiatrist, to help you get through this very hard time in your life. Perhaps you could start with a free clinic? Almost any doctor who heard your story would recognize your depression and would be able to treat that.

I hope you continue to come back here and tell us how you are doing.

Everything is falling.
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03-07-2013, 02:14 PM
RE: I'm very hurt and very afraid
VolkKat,

I am sorry. I don't know you, but I need to apologize to you anyway, and to everyone who had to go through what you've been through. I deeply, deeply apologize for browbeating and berating my gay friends who had the courage to stand up to bigots like me. I am sorry that I sought to make their lives like yours, instead of welcoming them with the open arms of true friendship. I am sorry I judged you in the name of a merciless, cruel God. I failed you as a fellow human being. You deserved better.

You may not get an apology like this from those closest to you. I have lost track with one of the two gay high schoolmates I bullied (with words, not with violence). So I apologize to you in his stead.

As for my former friend, I can only hope that our paths cross again, and if they do not, hope that he was able to grow up in confidence and peace despite bigots like me.

Again, my apologies.
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