I need a Favor: Peer Review Paper
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24-11-2014, 09:38 PM
I need a Favor: Peer Review Paper
I am doing an argumentative paper for my English Comp I class in College. I has just finished a class session today where we sat in groups and peer reviewed each others papers. The two ladies I handed mine too liked it and left their comments and suggestions. It is still in a rough draft mode and is "not finsihed" quite just yet.

However, I would like some feedback from the community here on my paper so that I may make it the best paper I can! This paper is my final paper of the semester so you can imagine its importance. We have been working on argumentative papers for 4 weeks now. I have just started to write mine two days ago.

Please treat me as if I were a creationist and do not be soft when you should be a little rough with your critique. I am not claiming this to be anything as a Magnum Opus, or worthy "yet" of being published in a book or anything like that. It just needs to be a great paper.

Quote:My Abstract
Within the pages of this article, you will find an argument for religious persecution. However my dear readers, the contents of this article will not be what you expect. Many around the world speak of the persecution of the religious in history and in the United States most of all in more recent history. Many make these false claims of the persecution of Christians. However, there is no persecution of religion anywhere, only persecution from religion.



First page
Many people make false claims of the persecution of Christians and other religions. However, there is no persecution of religion anywhere in America, only persecution from religion and the religious. The persecution of the LGBT community is entirely religious in not only its origins, but in its’ entirety as well. If you do not know this already, you are either still very young, or very deluded. From the bible which most of the persecution in America comes from, we can read in the book of Leviticus 20:13 which many Christians read from clearly states that if two people of the same sex have relations that they must be put to death. Leviticus is only found in the old Jewish Old Testament and yet, while Christians desperately cry that the New Testament is not the same as the old one and make arguments for what the New Testament is about. Much of what they preach only comes from the old. The 10 commandments for example and Genesis which is directly from the Old Testament is examples of this. There is a plethora of Anti-Gay verses in the bible and because of this, people have used to not only execute people whom were gay, but to persecute them as well. It is clear that from the book that so many hold as the absolute standard for morality and how people should live their lives. Put that ideology in the hands of idiots and you have a recipe for disaster. The bible in many cases from the religious here in America is used as a form of mind control and has harmed countless people because of it.

Once you have someone convinced that they are going to go somewhere when they die, and then you convince them that only the one sect of the one religion you are from is their only way to ensure that their afterlife ( which you convinced them is already in jeopardy) is the only possible truth. You will have a power over someone like no other kind of brainwashing could ever accomplish. This has driven countless to insanity, depravity, and immoral acts in the name of holy figures and ideals. Let’s take the actions performed at the pray the gay away camps that are all around America right now. From suicides to shock therapy, survivors tell horrific accounts of the depravity of these camps trying to save their immortal souls. The following is a section of an article I found. “'I have an older friend who went to one because his father was disappointed in him for not being "normal" one said. Apparently one of the tests involved taping electrical pads to his testicles and forcing him to watch gay porn. If he got an erection, then he was zapped.”(Johnson Liam 2014)
From this article, other visitors of the camp revealed the camp used brain washing techniques to convince them their homosexuality was the result of a former trauma from an abusive father or that they did not form a close bond with their mothers. Many of these camps lie to the government for what they truly are. One masqueraded itself to the government for a Church camp for unruly teenagers. Through torture, brainwashing, lies, propaganda and suicide, this is what gay cure camps do to people and hope to accomplish in making people choose to be straight again. Today, we know very well that sexuality is not a choice. If you disagree with me dear reader, than I am going to ask you a series of questions. Since I already know how you are going to answer, let’s move on. Have you ever felt sexually aroused before? When you felt sexually aroused, did you think inside of your head using your own voice inside


Second Page

of your head telling yourself that you are going to become sexually aroused before it actually happened in the most literal sense possible of what I just asked you? (Confusing question but just think about it) When you see a picture of the sex you are attracted to, do you do this in the same manner mentioned above before becoming sexually attracted? Have you ever once in your entire life walked down the street or in a store and saw someone you thought was really attractive? Did you look at that person and say you yourself inside of your head that I “want” to become sexually or passively attracted to this person before you believed they were attractive? Here is the answers you just gave me in order of the questions I asked, you answered Yes, No, No, Yes, and No. Which means I just proved to you that sexual attraction is not a choice. Being gay, bi, transsexual, or lesbian is not a choice. Only a fool or the mentally retarded cannot understand that after this flawless argument present before you. When someone sees something they are attracted too, it is an inborn nature, and not something that simply choose. Yet, despite our inborn natures, the religious and Christianity most of all persecutes these people with claims of immorality, and accusations of them having committed acts that are seen to them as deplorable.
The anti-gay movement has been going on for thousands of years. Even famous television actors use their religion to spout their anti-gay beliefs on the world. One such homophobic individual is Phil Robertson from the T.V show Duck Dynasty whom is very famous and controversial at this time for his public homophobic quotes to the press stated “Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong. Sin becomes fine," he later added. “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men. Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers -- they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.” As well as saying later on in another review “I’m as much of a homophobe as Jesus was. People who are participating in homosexual behavior, they need to know that I love them.”Robertson also attempted to justify his worldview by claiming that The Bible contains the only tangible answer to the "question" of homosexuality. (Sieczkowski Cavan – Huffington Post 2013) (Nichols James)

Even the pope has stated that the threat of homosexuality was just as important as the threat of global warming which is a real issue we face today (Wikipedia). People in African countries are put to death daily on homosexual witch hunts in Uganda and in other places like Iraq. It is without a doubt that the persecution of the LGBT community and those who are L, B, G or T are persecuted only as the result of religion. The two biggest contenders is Islam and Christianity most of all. Without those religions, the persecution simply would not exist. Perhaps the most famous haters of gays is the Westboro Baptist Church. Whom is responsible for their protests of

Third Page
the funerals of soldiers, The Boston massacre victim’s funerals and many other people. They hold rainbow colored signs that say “god hates fags” and “thank god for dead soldiers”. They sing and chant and make a celebration of the dead in the faces of mourners. They do this because gays in America are not given the death penalty. There is also a very famous video on YouTube with over seven million views of a young man coming out to his parents of his homosexuality and is assaulted in the video by the parents. I highly suggest you check it out, but I warn you, it is horrific (Ryan Regina).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1df_i26wh-w

Now my readers, we have come to a much more entertaining section. In this section will be the persecution and slander made against Atheists and the secular communities of America. Theists and many misguided agnostics claim time and time again about the persecution of Christians in America, or they will tell you that Atheists are belligerent and confrontational, and want a Stalin government where religion is outlawed. Where no one is allowed to believe in any religion. These of course are entirely false. The funniest thing of all is when a Christian tries to claim that they are a minority in the country full of atheists. HA! Let me say that once more my dear reader, HA! Atheists make up roughly 5% of the United States population and probably a little more. Christians currently run roughly 78% of the population with everything else making up the rest. In the United States, Atheists are the most persecuted, mistrusted, and hated group in this country. We are hated and distrusted more than, Muslims, Westboro Baptist Church, and even rapists, child molesters and killers. (Cline Austin 2014).

It is literally impossible for an openly Atheist President to ever become elected into office. In the following states of Arkansas, Maryland, Mississippi, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, and Texas are forbidden by unenforceable laws to be able to hold any public office of any kind within those states (Bulger Mathew). These laws are completely unconstitutional, and yet Christians are allowed to make them because Jesus Bible God Christ Bible Jesus, that’s why! (At least that is what I like to think goes on in the heads of some of the Christians out there). I really have no idea how they are allowed to make laws that so blatantly disregards the constitution.
We have 7 States that have unenforceable laws that prohibit atheists from taking office, there are 13 countries that revoke citizenship for, deny marriage of, and even kill atheists. 53% of Americans are least likely to vote for us, favoring a candidate who has smoked pot, never held office or had an extramarital affair, and 49% of Americans would be unhappy if a family member married an Atheist (Hafiz Yasmine 2013 ). A very interesting article from (Christina Greta) describes the 10 scariest states to be an atheist. A few include Pennsylvania, where an atheist vet marching in the veterans day parade was booed, jeered, insulted, and cursed at for being an atheist. Not holding any anti religion signs, just a small simple atheist soldier sign. He was yelled at and told he was going to be burnt in hell and had items thrown at him. In Idaho, atheist bill boards are violated on a regular basis. In another state, a child received death threats from students as well as teachers and parents of other students for trying to cancel an illegal prayer that would be held during graduation ceremonies of his high school graduation. After being kicked out of the school graduation, and all the death threats happened, the prayer was held

Last page

Anyway (even after the ACLU threatened to sue the school for breaking constitutional laws), then his parents than kicked him out of the house for good the day after graduation day in disgust of what an
awful child they had. He deserved to be left on the streets. He was an atheist after all, right? Perhaps one of the saddest I have heard about is the story of a man whose name I do not know which I will be quoting from part of the video. He is a youtuber who goes by the name of Grappling Ignorance. A man moved across the country to be a high school teacher. But he had a secret, a terrible secret. It was a very depressed area with dilapidated homes and ruined streets. The church was pristine and well kept. The students were rough. They were street gang members and drug dealers. He wanted something better for them and strived to make a difference and he did. However, that would not last for long. One of his students would eventually come across a YouTube video and recognize his voice.

This man, this teacher went online and had the audacity to talk about atheism and reason. On a place where he forced nothing onto anyone, done in the privacy of his own home. This man kept his YouTube channel separate from school and never told anyone at the school about it. They were good videos full of logic, he was civil and made great arguments. HOW, DARE, HE! News of his online channel spread like a virus. He was ridiculed, his classroom vandalized as they shouted prayers and insulted him. They drew on his chalkboard, telling him to go back where he came from with permanent black markers with the words surrounded with crosses. Some of the students asked if “it” was true. They could not bring themselves to say that damning word Atheist.

The day before they greeted him with smiles and hope, the day after was met with contempt and disgust as he only says hello. They scoff him and ridiculed him. He was threatened with hellfire numerous times. They showed no remorse for impending suffering, rather they were gleeful about it. He would burn for disbelieving as if he deserved it, as if he could pick and choose what he believed in. This good man was condemned and shunned by convicted drug dealers and assailants, people he went out of his way to help them find a better path in life. They turned onto him without thinking twice. Soon, the teachers told him he had to remove his YouTube channel before the administration investigated, or he would certainly lose his job. All it would take is one drug dealer’s drunken angry parent who needs to sober up before being able to comprehend the horror of his precious child having an Atheist for a teacher. He is now called Grappling Ignorance on a new channel. Presumably he is no longer with that school and has other work elsewhere.
The persecution from religion is tremendous in this country. Some states like the enlightened state of Oregon are fine for us atheists to live in. However, the moment you move into any state that is more religious, especially the Bible belt states, it becomes a far different story. Another wonderful example for those who are movie goers is the ever increasing surge of really terrible Christian movies that have come out lately. One recent film is named God’s Not Dead. In this movie


As you can see I stopped writing it after mentioning that movie. I am gonna come up with the best examples of how badly it portrays us, makes us look like immoral douches etc. I will probably briefly mention something else and then move onto my conclusion just after giving my sources for how countries that are more secular tend to have lower crime rates and a "happier" population. like sweden, denmark or whatever.


My Youtube channel if anyone is interested.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEkRdbq...rLEz-0jEHQ
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25-11-2014, 07:09 PM
RE: I need a Favor: Peer Review Paper
While I wont be reviewing it myself as its stupid O'clock in the morning I felt I should post to bump the thread incase someone else will.
Knights who say NI!

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25-11-2014, 07:49 PM (This post was last modified: 25-11-2014 07:58 PM by Free.)
RE: I need a Favor: Peer Review Paper
(24-11-2014 09:38 PM)Shadow Fox Wrote:  I am doing an argumentative paper for my English Comp I class in College. I has just finished a class session today where we sat in groups and peer reviewed each others papers. The two ladies I handed mine too liked it and left their comments and suggestions. It is still in a rough draft mode and is "not finsihed" quite just yet.

However, I would like some feedback from the community here on my paper so that I may make it the best paper I can! This paper is my final paper of the semester so you can imagine its importance. We have been working on argumentative papers for 4 weeks now. I have just started to write mine two days ago.

Please treat me as if I were a creationist and do not be soft when you should be a little rough with your critique. I am not claiming this to be anything as a Magnum Opus, or worthy "yet" of being published in a book or anything like that. It just needs to be a great paper.

Quote:My Abstract
Within the pages of this article, you will find an argument for religious persecution. However my dear readers, the contents of this article will not be what you expect. Many around the world speak of the persecution of the religious in history and in the United States most of all in more recent history. Many make these false claims of the persecution of Christians. However, there is no persecution of religion anywhere, only persecution from religion.



First page
Many people make false claims of the persecution of Christians and other religions. However, there is no persecution of religion anywhere in America, only persecution from religion and the religious. The persecution of the LGBT community is entirely religious in not only its origins, but in its’ entirety as well. If you do not know this already, you are either still very young, or very deluded. From the bible which most of the persecution in America comes from, we can read in the book of Leviticus 20:13 which many Christians read from clearly states that if two people of the same sex have relations that they must be put to death. Leviticus is only found in the old Jewish Old Testament and yet, while Christians desperately cry that the New Testament is not the same as the old one and make arguments for what the New Testament is about. Much of what they preach only comes from the old. The 10 commandments for example and Genesis which is directly from the Old Testament is examples of this. There is a plethora of Anti-Gay verses in the bible and because of this, people have used to not only execute people whom were gay, but to persecute them as well. It is clear that from the book that so many hold as the absolute standard for morality and how people should live their lives. Put that ideology in the hands of idiots and you have a recipe for disaster. The bible in many cases from the religious here in America is used as a form of mind control and has harmed countless people because of it.

Once you have someone convinced that they are going to go somewhere when they die, and then you convince them that only the one sect of the one religion you are from is their only way to ensure that their afterlife ( which you convinced them is already in jeopardy) is the only possible truth. You will have a power over someone like no other kind of brainwashing could ever accomplish. This has driven countless to insanity, depravity, and immoral acts in the name of holy figures and ideals. Let’s take the actions performed at the pray the gay away camps that are all around America right now. From suicides to shock therapy, survivors tell horrific accounts of the depravity of these camps trying to save their immortal souls. The following is a section of an article I found. “'I have an older friend who went to one because his father was disappointed in him for not being "normal" one said. Apparently one of the tests involved taping electrical pads to his testicles and forcing him to watch gay porn. If he got an erection, then he was zapped.”(Johnson Liam 2014)
From this article, other visitors of the camp revealed the camp used brain washing techniques to convince them their homosexuality was the result of a former trauma from an abusive father or that they did not form a close bond with their mothers. Many of these camps lie to the government for what they truly are. One masqueraded itself to the government for a Church camp for unruly teenagers. Through torture, brainwashing, lies, propaganda and suicide, this is what gay cure camps do to people and hope to accomplish in making people choose to be straight again. Today, we know very well that sexuality is not a choice. If you disagree with me dear reader, than I am going to ask you a series of questions. Since I already know how you are going to answer, let’s move on. Have you ever felt sexually aroused before? When you felt sexually aroused, did you think inside of your head using your own voice inside


Second Page

of your head telling yourself that you are going to become sexually aroused before it actually happened in the most literal sense possible of what I just asked you? (Confusing question but just think about it) When you see a picture of the sex you are attracted to, do you do this in the same manner mentioned above before becoming sexually attracted? Have you ever once in your entire life walked down the street or in a store and saw someone you thought was really attractive? Did you look at that person and say you yourself inside of your head that I “want” to become sexually or passively attracted to this person before you believed they were attractive? Here is the answers you just gave me in order of the questions I asked, you answered Yes, No, No, Yes, and No. Which means I just proved to you that sexual attraction is not a choice. Being gay, bi, transsexual, or lesbian is not a choice. Only a fool or the mentally retarded cannot understand that after this flawless argument present before you. When someone sees something they are attracted too, it is an inborn nature, and not something that simply choose. Yet, despite our inborn natures, the religious and Christianity most of all persecutes these people with claims of immorality, and accusations of them having committed acts that are seen to them as deplorable.
The anti-gay movement has been going on for thousands of years. Even famous television actors use their religion to spout their anti-gay beliefs on the world. One such homophobic individual is Phil Robertson from the T.V show Duck Dynasty whom is very famous and controversial at this time for his public homophobic quotes to the press stated “Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong. Sin becomes fine," he later added. “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men. Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers -- they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.” As well as saying later on in another review “I’m as much of a homophobe as Jesus was. People who are participating in homosexual behavior, they need to know that I love them.”Robertson also attempted to justify his worldview by claiming that The Bible contains the only tangible answer to the "question" of homosexuality. (Sieczkowski Cavan – Huffington Post 2013) (Nichols James)

Even the pope has stated that the threat of homosexuality was just as important as the threat of global warming which is a real issue we face today (Wikipedia). People in African countries are put to death daily on homosexual witch hunts in Uganda and in other places like Iraq. It is without a doubt that the persecution of the LGBT community and those who are L, B, G or T are persecuted only as the result of religion. The two biggest contenders is Islam and Christianity most of all. Without those religions, the persecution simply would not exist. Perhaps the most famous haters of gays is the Westboro Baptist Church. Whom is responsible for their protests of

Third Page
the funerals of soldiers, The Boston massacre victim’s funerals and many other people. They hold rainbow colored signs that say “god hates fags” and “thank god for dead soldiers”. They sing and chant and make a celebration of the dead in the faces of mourners. They do this because gays in America are not given the death penalty. There is also a very famous video on YouTube with over seven million views of a young man coming out to his parents of his homosexuality and is assaulted in the video by the parents. I highly suggest you check it out, but I warn you, it is horrific (Ryan Regina).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1df_i26wh-w

Now my readers, we have come to a much more entertaining section. In this section will be the persecution and slander made against Atheists and the secular communities of America. Theists and many misguided agnostics claim time and time again about the persecution of Christians in America, or they will tell you that Atheists are belligerent and confrontational, and want a Stalin government where religion is outlawed. Where no one is allowed to believe in any religion. These of course are entirely false. The funniest thing of all is when a Christian tries to claim that they are a minority in the country full of atheists. HA! Let me say that once more my dear reader, HA! Atheists make up roughly 5% of the United States population and probably a little more. Christians currently run roughly 78% of the population with everything else making up the rest. In the United States, Atheists are the most persecuted, mistrusted, and hated group in this country. We are hated and distrusted more than, Muslims, Westboro Baptist Church, and even rapists, child molesters and killers. (Cline Austin 2014).

It is literally impossible for an openly Atheist President to ever become elected into office. In the following states of Arkansas, Maryland, Mississippi, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, and Texas are forbidden by unenforceable laws to be able to hold any public office of any kind within those states (Bulger Mathew). These laws are completely unconstitutional, and yet Christians are allowed to make them because Jesus Bible God Christ Bible Jesus, that’s why! (At least that is what I like to think goes on in the heads of some of the Christians out there). I really have no idea how they are allowed to make laws that so blatantly disregards the constitution.
We have 7 States that have unenforceable laws that prohibit atheists from taking office, there are 13 countries that revoke citizenship for, deny marriage of, and even kill atheists. 53% of Americans are least likely to vote for us, favoring a candidate who has smoked pot, never held office or had an extramarital affair, and 49% of Americans would be unhappy if a family member married an Atheist (Hafiz Yasmine 2013 ). A very interesting article from (Christina Greta) describes the 10 scariest states to be an atheist. A few include Pennsylvania, where an atheist vet marching in the veterans day parade was booed, jeered, insulted, and cursed at for being an atheist. Not holding any anti religion signs, just a small simple atheist soldier sign. He was yelled at and told he was going to be burnt in hell and had items thrown at him. In Idaho, atheist bill boards are violated on a regular basis. In another state, a child received death threats from students as well as teachers and parents of other students for trying to cancel an illegal prayer that would be held during graduation ceremonies of his high school graduation. After being kicked out of the school graduation, and all the death threats happened, the prayer was held

Last page

Anyway (even after the ACLU threatened to sue the school for breaking constitutional laws), then his parents than kicked him out of the house for good the day after graduation day in disgust of what an
awful child they had. He deserved to be left on the streets. He was an atheist after all, right? Perhaps one of the saddest I have heard about is the story of a man whose name I do not know which I will be quoting from part of the video. He is a youtuber who goes by the name of Grappling Ignorance. A man moved across the country to be a high school teacher. But he had a secret, a terrible secret. It was a very depressed area with dilapidated homes and ruined streets. The church was pristine and well kept. The students were rough. They were street gang members and drug dealers. He wanted something better for them and strived to make a difference and he did. However, that would not last for long. One of his students would eventually come across a YouTube video and recognize his voice.

This man, this teacher went online and had the audacity to talk about atheism and reason. On a place where he forced nothing onto anyone, done in the privacy of his own home. This man kept his YouTube channel separate from school and never told anyone at the school about it. They were good videos full of logic, he was civil and made great arguments. HOW, DARE, HE! News of his online channel spread like a virus. He was ridiculed, his classroom vandalized as they shouted prayers and insulted him. They drew on his chalkboard, telling him to go back where he came from with permanent black markers with the words surrounded with crosses. Some of the students asked if “it” was true. They could not bring themselves to say that damning word Atheist.

The day before they greeted him with smiles and hope, the day after was met with contempt and disgust as he only says hello. They scoff him and ridiculed him. He was threatened with hellfire numerous times. They showed no remorse for impending suffering, rather they were gleeful about it. He would burn for disbelieving as if he deserved it, as if he could pick and choose what he believed in. This good man was condemned and shunned by convicted drug dealers and assailants, people he went out of his way to help them find a better path in life. They turned onto him without thinking twice. Soon, the teachers told him he had to remove his YouTube channel before the administration investigated, or he would certainly lose his job. All it would take is one drug dealer’s drunken angry parent who needs to sober up before being able to comprehend the horror of his precious child having an Atheist for a teacher. He is now called Grappling Ignorance on a new channel. Presumably he is no longer with that school and has other work elsewhere.
The persecution from religion is tremendous in this country. Some states like the enlightened state of Oregon are fine for us atheists to live in. However, the moment you move into any state that is more religious, especially the Bible belt states, it becomes a far different story. Another wonderful example for those who are movie goers is the ever increasing surge of really terrible Christian movies that have come out lately. One recent film is named God’s Not Dead. In this movie


As you can see I stopped writing it after mentioning that movie. I am gonna come up with the best examples of how badly it portrays us, makes us look like immoral douches etc. I will probably briefly mention something else and then move onto my conclusion just after giving my sources for how countries that are more secular tend to have lower crime rates and a "happier" population. like sweden, denmark or whatever.

Some suggestions for the 1st paragraph of Page 1:

Quote:The persecution of the LGBT community is entirely religious in not only its origins, but in its’ entirety as well. If you do not know this already, you are either still very young, or very deluded.

They are deluded just because they do not know this already? Consider a re-phrase.

Quote: Leviticus is only found in the old Jewish Old Testament and yet, while Christians desperately cry that the New Testament is not the same as the old one and make arguments for what the New Testament is about.

This seems incomplete. It's like I am expecting a coma after the word "about" and for you to continue on with what it is you are trying to say. This confusion stems from the words of "...and yet, while ...."

Quote:The 10 commandments for example and Genesis which is directly from the Old Testament is examples of this.

Perhaps rephrase this as follows: "For example, the 10 commandments and Genesis which are both directly from the Old Testament are two examples of this."

Quote:There is a plethora of Anti-Gay verses in the bible and because of this, people have used to not only execute people whom were gay, but to persecute them as well. It is clear that from the book that so many hold as the absolute standard for morality and how people should live their lives.

Perhaps rephrase this to: "There exists a plethora of anti-gay verses in the bible (cite examples here such as Lev 20:13 etc) and because of these verses people have used them to maliciously persecute many gay people and to also execute many more."

Quote:Put that ideology in the hands of idiots and you have a recipe for disaster. The bible in many cases from the religious here in America is used as a form of mind control and has harmed countless people because of it.

Perhaps rephrase to: "When you put that kind of ideology into the hands of idiots, you have a recipe for disaster. In many cases here in America, the religious will use the bible as a form of mind control resulting in harm to a countless number of people."

I will look at some other stuff when I have more time.

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25-11-2014, 10:13 PM
RE: I need a Favor: Peer Review Paper
I'm not gonna waste my time watching "God's Not Dead". Doesn't Kirk BananaHammock Cameron have one about pagans stealing Christmas from Christians? I'll watch that one with you. Big Grin

#sigh
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25-11-2014, 11:25 PM (This post was last modified: 25-11-2014 11:35 PM by Shadow Fox.)
RE: I need a Favor: Peer Review Paper
@girlyman - yeah, OK sure! I might pirate it just to see how bad it is lol.



(25-11-2014 07:49 PM)Free Wrote:  
(24-11-2014 09:38 PM)Shadow Fox Wrote:  I am doing an argumentative paper for my English Comp I class in College. I has just finished a class session today where we sat in groups and peer reviewed each others papers. The two ladies I handed mine too liked it and left their comments and suggestions. It is still in a rough draft mode and is "not finsihed" quite just yet.

However, I would like some feedback from the community here on my paper so that I may make it the best paper I can! This paper is my final paper of the semester so you can imagine its importance. We have been working on argumentative papers for 4 weeks now. I have just started to write mine two days ago.

Please treat me as if I were a creationist and do not be soft when you should be a little rough with your critique. I am not claiming this to be anything as a Magnum Opus, or worthy "yet" of being published in a book or anything like that. It just needs to be a great paper.



As you can see I stopped writing it after mentioning that movie. I am gonna come up with the best examples of how badly it portrays us, makes us look like immoral douches etc. I will probably briefly mention something else and then move onto my conclusion just after giving my sources for how countries that are more secular tend to have lower crime rates and a "happier" population. like sweden, denmark or whatever.

Some suggestions for the 1st paragraph of Page 1:

Quote:The persecution of the LGBT community is entirely religious in not only its origins, but in its’ entirety as well. If you do not know this already, you are either still very young, or very deluded.

They are deluded just because they do not know this already? Consider a re-phrase.

Quote: Leviticus is only found in the old Jewish Old Testament and yet, while Christians desperately cry that the New Testament is not the same as the old one and make arguments for what the New Testament is about.

This seems incomplete. It's like I am expecting a coma after the word "about" and for you to continue on with what it is you are trying to say. This confusion stems from the words of "...and yet, while ...."

Quote:The 10 commandments for example and Genesis which is directly from the Old Testament is examples of this.

Perhaps rephrase this as follows: "For example, the 10 commandments and Genesis which are both directly from the Old Testament are two examples of this."

Quote:There is a plethora of Anti-Gay verses in the bible and because of this, people have used to not only execute people whom were gay, but to persecute them as well. It is clear that from the book that so many hold as the absolute standard for morality and how people should live their lives.

Perhaps rephrase this to: "There exists a plethora of anti-gay verses in the bible (cite examples here such as Lev 20:13 etc) and because of these verses people have used them to maliciously persecute many gay people and to also execute many more."

Quote:Put that ideology in the hands of idiots and you have a recipe for disaster. The bible in many cases from the religious here in America is used as a form of mind control and has harmed countless people because of it.

Perhaps rephrase to: "When you put that kind of ideology into the hands of idiots, you have a recipe for disaster. In many cases here in America, the religious will use the bible as a form of mind control resulting in harm to a countless number of people."

I will look at some other stuff when I have more time.

OK, It seems like I got some good suggestions here. Thank you, thank you. I can see your points on them and see why you would suggest them. I still have plenty of time left, at least two weeks left to finish the paper, so there is plenty of time to go back over and see what needs to be reworded, left out, or simply expanded on and I think this will help me flush it out a little more-in addition to whatever my teacher suggests when I get the teachers copy she requested from us. Before we hand in assignments we have been giving them to her for review and handed it back with suggestions to make them better which has been helpful to expand my writing skills a bit and prepare me for English Comp II.

When I am ready to start back up on my paper over the weekend, I will re read your suggestions and those of my class mates and teacher to flush it out a lot more.

So far I am only pulling an A- so I need to keep it at that if I wanna keep my track record of A in writing classes lol.


My Youtube channel if anyone is interested.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEkRdbq...rLEz-0jEHQ
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