I think I might be depressed
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02-10-2015, 06:40 AM
RE: I think I might be depressed
Hug

Please do get help. I agree with Girly that it's good you are aware of the irrationality of suicide. That has saved my ass more than once as well, but the thoughts still surface, and it still scares the shit out of me. Just always keep in mind the effect it would have on those around you.

Depression is a vile, insidious disease that can sneak up on you and make you feel like there's no point to anything, including getting help. Trust me, I'm there right now, and it sucks. Luckily, I have 20+ years of history dealing with this bullshit, so rationally I know that the meds and counseling WILL help eventually and I WILL feel normal again someday. So will you, but you need to find the right combination of meds and counseling.

Secular Therapy

See if these guys have anything in your area. If you're still in NYC, it's a good bet they do. If you don't have insurance, just call one of the offices listed and ask them about pricing and payment options. If they can't work with you, they will likely know of a charity or government funded clinic you can go to for help.

Whatever you do, don't let it fester. Although depression waxes and wanes, it will never actually go away on it's own.

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
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21-10-2015, 07:41 AM
RE: I think I might be depressed
So my job is probably not helping.

I work as a research assistant for a civil engineering professor. Our job is to test concrete samples for air content. This means a lot of time preparing sames for testing. My part of this involves sitting in a dark room for hours at a time staring at rocks under a microscope while listening to TV on my phone.

In addition to not getting health insurance through that job, being Okla-suck-homa the university doesn't provide insurance either. They have a plan, but it's horribly expensive. And while they have counseling for students it's not free and the costs build up quickly.

I hate this state. I hate this town. HATE. I don't like living in an area that is so isolated and socially backwards. It's not as bad as Memphis (home of Nathan Bedford Forest Memorial Park, wtf Memphis?) but it is quickly becoming someplace I would rather shoot myself than live.

I think this is a big part of my problem. I have felt displaced since I was 13. I never felt at home in any place since then. I hate rural areas and the south in general. But I feel trapped here. The money is good, and the cost of living is low. I just have to deal with hating the area.

I just want to go home.
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21-10-2015, 07:52 AM
RE: I think I might be depressed
(21-10-2015 07:41 AM)natachan Wrote:  I just want to go home.

Maybe you should... even for a holiday, it might be a bit of a pick-me-up?

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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21-10-2015, 07:56 AM
RE: I think I might be depressed
(30-09-2015 03:46 PM)natachan Wrote:  So about 16 years ago a teacher at my jr high school had me sent to a school therapist when she noticed "dark imagery" in my writing assignments. The therapist said I was suffering from some kind of depression but this was shrugged off at the time as being a result of our moving from NYC where I had grown up to Memphis. I have since learned that my mom's side of the family has a history with severe depression.

I have always (and I do mean always) had mildly suicidal thoughts. This got worse as I reached my older teens and early twenties. When I started taking oral contraceptives it subsided slightly. However it didn't go away completely.

I've noticed that I have been sleeping excessively. I have no appetite most of the time, and when I do I binge. I have little or no interest in most things. I feel sad for no reason. Like bone crushing sadness. Like skipping class so I can sit in my car because I don't want to go sit in the damn room for an hour and a half.

Most tellingly I've begun considering suicide again. Coldly and calculatingly assessing it. I am aware that this is not healthy or rational. I am doing well in professional school in a field that I am good at. I have a loving partner. I have post graduate options open to me. So why do I not care about any of that?

I've applied for a new job that would have health insurance. I don't have any now and can't afford a counselor on a student researchers pay. It's an interesting phenomenon watching it in myself.

Thank you for the rant space.

Natachan, it's been a few weeks, how are you doing? Feeling any better by chance? Smile

**Crickets** -- God
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21-10-2015, 07:56 AM
RE: I think I might be depressed
(21-10-2015 07:41 AM)natachan Wrote:  So my job is probably not helping.

I work as a research assistant for a civil engineering professor. Our job is to test concrete samples for air content. This means a lot of time preparing sames for testing. My part of this involves sitting in a dark room for hours at a time staring at rocks under a microscope while listening to TV on my phone.

In addition to not getting health insurance through that job, being Okla-suck-homa the university doesn't provide insurance either. They have a plan, but it's horribly expensive. And while they have counseling for students it's not free and the costs build up quickly.

I hate this state. I hate this town. HATE. I don't like living in an area that is so isolated and socially backwards. It's not as bad as Memphis (home of Nathan Bedford Forest Memorial Park, wtf Memphis?) but it is quickly becoming someplace I would rather shoot myself than live.

I think this is a big part of my problem. I have felt displaced since I was 13. I never felt at home in any place since then. I hate rural areas and the south in general. But I feel trapped here. The money is good, and the cost of living is low. I just have to deal with hating the area.

I just want to go home.

I'm also the kind of person that if I am not happy where I'm living, it impacts my happiness/well-being. Right now I live in Pleasantville, at least that's what I call it because it is just like that movie. I am happiest living in extremes. What I mean is, I would rather live smack dab in the middle of a large city or out in the woods somewhere in a remote cabin. The people in the area I live now are conservative snobs. Everything is perfect here. All their houses and lawns and lives are perfect and they have no idea what it is like in the real world since they are so far removed from it.

I am going to be moving away from here because I really, really hate it here. If you feel that where you are living is *really bothering* your state of being, then it would probably be best for you to move if you are able to.
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