I've Been Thinking...
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23-02-2013, 12:51 AM
I've Been Thinking...
I’ve been thinking about something a lot, lately, and I suppose I just need to write it out. Be it for some measure of catharsis, or simply to get it straight in my own head. I’ve written these types of things in journals before, but I find that it just doesn’t have the desired effect upon my psyche unless somebody out there reads it. I suppose I’m a natural kind of showman, and what’s a showman without an audience?


I want a child. Specifically a girl (mainly because boys suck), and for this reason, I will refer to my desired child as a girl from hence forth. It’s been weighing pretty heavily on my mind lately, and I have no idea why it’s decided to stir itself up again during these past few weeks. I want to have a little girl to care for and nurture and teach about life and wonder and all of that other metaphysical bullshit. I never wanted to have kids before. In fact, I was pretty dead-set against it; and for good reason. Kids suck. They’re gross, they smell; their underdeveloped immune system makes them walking petri dishes and they do little more than cry and demand near-constant attention while they suck up your resources - both domestically and emotionally. But I want one. I want to have a little girl sleeping quietly in her crib or bed in the next room; cuddling her stuffed whateverthefuck and dreaming of whatever happens into her young little mind.


It was after I broke up with my most recent ex that I realized I wanted a child. And I suppose a part of it stems from the fact that, through her actions, she made me feel like absolute shit about life and about myself and prompted me to attempt to end it all by littering my bathroom wall and ceiling with varying sizes of my own skull fragments. It was after I picked myself back up from that experience that I began to notice a deep yearning to be a father. Like I said, I’d never felt this before, but it came on hard and strong. I felt that if I had had a child with this woman; there would be at least one small piece of good that came out of the torrential shitstorm that was our relationship. I’d have a little girl who would need me in the deepest, most sincere way, and wouldn’t be capable of betraying me. She would fill my desire to nurture without any of the risk involved in the type of relationship which generally leads to offspring in the first place. And still, in a strange way, I wish that my ex and I did have a child. There was certainly plenty of opportunity, and the desire was there on her part. In fact, I dare say her desire was as strong then as mine is now. We discussed it several times, but such conversations always ended with me clarifying why the timing was not right for either of us and her sulking in disappointment - even though she admitted that I was right.


Of course, I realize that my desire to have had a child with her is unhealthy. I absolutely despise my ex, and though it never seemed quite that extreme on her behalf, I’m sure she holds some measure of resentment toward me as well. To place a child in the middle of such a situation would have been bad for all parties involved; especially the child. A kid shouldn’t grow up with a mommy and daddy who hate each other and, because of that hatred, live on opposite sides of the country. We would have been doing her a disservice.


But even so, I selfishly wish I had her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with life. I’m living for myself and doing my own thing. There are few to no complaints to be issued. But as happy as I am with life, there is still something missing. The fact that I like to nurture is not being fulfilled. I’ve got my girlfriends, sure, but they fulfill my desires of control, pleasure, and my desire to be desired in return. Do I go out of my way to do nice things for them? Things that one would normally expect from an actual boyfriend? Sure. But I don’t nurture them. I’m there if they need advice or a shoulder to cry on, but there is no more nurturing than would occur within the confines of a typical friendship. They don’t need me to help them and sustain them and protect them. I can’t look them in the eyes and see wonder and infantile curiosity and know that they’re a part of me. That I’m the potter and they are the clay. The only time I see wonder in their eyes is when they’re convulsing beneath me, and that’s not the same thing I’m talking about for obvious reasons.


Perhaps it’s selfish - wanting a child. And perhaps I’m overlooking the numerous cons in favor of the pros. Perhaps I’m doing so intentionally. My first girlfriend said “I think it’s actually unfair to bring a child into this shitty world”, and she was right. Why would I want to bring something that I would love so dearly into the world, just so she could grow up and experience the same pains that I’ve experienced? What if she turned out to be the type of person who inflicts those pains upon others? How would I react to that? How could I watch the one good thing in this world - the thing that I myself created - become corrupted and defiled just like the rest of the cancerous garbage which infects this puss-filled tumor we call society? I overlook these things and more. I overlook them because I want a child to care for. That is purely selfish in every way. So much so that I don’t even care that it’s selfish. I just want it.

I suppose it doesn’t matter anyway. The only (good) way to attain my dream of having a little girl is to first become emotionally invested with a suitable mate, and I can assure you that’s not going to happen. “Oh, it’ll happen, you just have to meet the right one, and blahdy fucking blah”, I know, I’ve heard it all before, and it’s means about as much to me now as it did then - which was about two points less than fucking nil. I do not want a partner. A girlfriend; a wife. I’ve been there, I’ve seen that, and I’ve seen countless others endure it as well. Many of you have noticed, in your attempts to converse with me, that I tend to be rather enigmatic. I don’t go too deeply into my personal life other than what is trivial (at least, trivial to me; such as family issues and opinions which correspond to relevant topics). I tend to keep myself pretty guarded. And that’s me keeping nameless, (sometimes) faceless computer avatars at arm’s length. None of you know me personally, and I would bet my left nut that none of you will ever meet me. In my view, there should be no reason why I can’t be open and free about whatever happens into my mind. But I do, because I realize my need for a strict boundary between myself and the world around me. Even those in my life into who’s physical bodies I endeavor to venture are kept miles away from the fortress that is what might poetically be called my soul.


How much more difficult, then, might it be for an individual to weasel her way into my heart? The proper adverb is “incredibly”, and I intend to keep it that way. I simply don’t want to be a part of the horrendous war zone that is romance. No more than any of us want to put on our Sunday best and march back into our former churches to be surrounded by the absurdity and torment once more. I can sit and daydream about it, sure. And really, it’s a novel thought. I fancy it quite often. When I was in the thick of it, romance was great, and in many ways, I hated to see it go. But this is the new reality I’ve chosen for myself, and it does not include allowing another potential Trojan horse into the walls of my heart. I’ve washed my hands of such things.


I suppose, for this reason, I’ll also never fulfill my desire to be the father of a little girl. My trust issues will not allow for the stable environment needed for healthy child-rearing, and I’m much too stubborn to place myself into a situation of even the mildest vulnerability for the sake of a greater payoff. I simply can’t do it.


But, like I said, a man can dream, can’t he?

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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23-02-2013, 01:11 AM (This post was last modified: 23-02-2013 02:00 AM by Momsurroundedbyboys.)
RE: I've Been Thinking...
You sound exactly like my friend's husband. They more or less "dated" for nearly 20 years before they got married.

He had great fears of intimacy. Of letting people get too close...

You just never know...

Edited to add: totally not implying your ex was the one! He (our friend) also had a few toxic relationships while he sorted his life out too. Children will NEVER ever fix a bad/broken dynamic. He did end up having kids -- but really he wasn't ready for the demands of fatherhood (he really didn't want kids like ever). Intimacy issues hampered greatly his relationship with his kids -- who he had full custody of. There's a lot more to it all...


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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23-02-2013, 01:14 AM (This post was last modified: 23-02-2013 01:19 AM by kpax.)
RE: I've Been Thinking...
A child isn't going to save your relationship. Don't be this desperate over some woman. Fucking get it together.....Let's see the same passion for creating your own happiness - without your bitch ex. When you get yourself together, happiness and a woman that is right for you naturally comes along. It really *is* that simple. THEN you can think about having a child.

Sorry that is harsh but I'm sick of people creating their own drama. Especially with people who are toxic for us.

Here: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk ....this is mainly for women but I think you might get something out of it. It helped me with my last break up when I was experiencing similar feelings as you.
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23-02-2013, 01:18 AM
RE: I've Been Thinking...
The germs are far from the hard part.
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23-02-2013, 01:20 AM
RE: I've Been Thinking...
It's good that you've decided not to have a child because, frankly, there are far too many I s and me s in your post.

"She would fill my desire to nurture without any of the risk involved in
the type of relationship which generally leads to offspring in the first
place."

She isn't there to fill anything of yours.On the contrary, it is you who are there to fulfill her desires and needs. Children don't get to choose who their parents are and they certainly don't deserve to be objectified and used as poison containers. That puss filled tumor you mentioned.... we got it by expecting helpless children to fulfill the needs of selfish and narcissistic adults.

I really appreciate your candor. It's refreshing to see someone be honest about what they're feeling. And if I could suggest something else, it would be really good if you would share these thoughts with a professional therapist. I'd bet that doing so would help you reconcile your fear of women and if you did that, you'd have a whole new outlook on relationships. And I'd also bet you'd make a great father.

Thumbsup

The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names. - Chinese Proverb
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23-02-2013, 01:31 AM
RE: I've Been Thinking...
OOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOO LISTIEN!........................................................................​................................................................................​................................................................................​....................


Can you hear that? That's the sound of your biological clock ticking.


Ignore the urge. It will go away in time.

NEW AND IMPROVED!
Twice the anger, Half the space!
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23-02-2013, 02:08 AM
RE: I've Been Thinking...
(23-02-2013 01:18 AM)LadyJane Wrote:  The germs are far from the hard part.

No matter how hard you think it's going to be or could be....at some point you really end up wishing it were that simple.


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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23-02-2013, 04:38 AM
RE: I've Been Thinking...
I dunno if I could ever face kids. Too much responsibility. I'll be the blackguardly uncle who teaches them naughty things like how to make fires in the garden and swearwords and so on.
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23-02-2013, 04:47 AM
RE: I've Been Thinking...
(23-02-2013 12:51 AM)Misanthropik Wrote:  I suppose, for this reason, I’ll also never fulfill my desire to be the father of a little girl. My trust issues will not allow for the stable environment needed for healthy child-rearing, and I’m much too stubborn to place myself into a situation of even the mildest vulnerability for the sake of a greater payoff. I simply can’t do it.
....
But, like I said, a man can dream, can’t he?

I got 3 boys and a girl, all adult now, misanthropic bitch. What you wanna know?

Breathing - it's more art than science.
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23-02-2013, 06:47 AM
RE: I've Been Thinking...
tl;dr
Think less.

I don't talk gay, I don't walk gay, it's like people don't even know I'm gay unless I'm blowing them.
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