I've just realized why I came here in the first place
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24-02-2014, 02:44 PM
RE: I've just realized why I came here in the first place
(24-02-2014 05:00 AM)undergroundp Wrote:  I want to be surrounded by atheists.

I've found the same thing. Luckily, as for my theist relatives, religion doesn't come up too often. Still, I've found myself hanging around with my atheist sister-in-laws, their husbands, and my atheist cousins. It's nice to know there are like-minded people out there.
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24-02-2014, 04:16 PM
RE: I've just realized why I came here in the first place
(24-02-2014 09:55 AM)Impulse Wrote:  My father passed away just before Christmas 2 months ago. There was a Catholic wake and funeral since everyone in my family is Catholic except for me. The wake was very awkward. It was an open casket with a bench for kneeling and Jesus hanging on the wall directly behind the casket. Despite it being about my father, I couldn't bring myself to kneel like everyone else was doing. I knew I would be kneeling before "Jesus", not my father and everything inside me was screaming "don't do it".

The next morning, my immediately family went to the funeral home before the service. Many relatives showed up there as well. Before we left for the mass, the funeral director announced that we could say one last good-bye. One-by-one my family members knelt before the casket and cross again. We were all center stage before the relatives and I felt very conflicted about what to do. For my mother's sake, I finally decided not to create a scene and so I knelt by the casket. I never looked at the cross, only at my father and in my head I spoke to my father, not Jesus, even though I knew he couldn't hear a thing. But I had to pass some time. I was the only one not to make the sign of the cross before standing back up.

At the mass, I felt like an outsider. Everyone was grieving, praying, and maybe feeling a little better believing my father was going to heaven. I felt irritated that I had to listen to all that bullshit when it was not at all what I needed to hear or do in those final moments before my father was buried. There were no comforting words for me there.

At the cemetery, my father was given a military funeral because he had served in the air force. They covered my father's casket in the US flag, shot the cannons, played Taps, saluted, and did the special flag folding. For me, that was the best part of the whole thing. It was not religious. It simply honored a specific part of who my father had been. It was small, but it at least gave me something that I didn't have to feel opposed to.

After the funeral was over and the guests had come to and gone from my parents' house, the discussion was full of religion - what a great job the priest had done, what beautiful mass cards relatives had sent, blah blah blah. They would return to this over and over to the point where I was beginning to wonder if it was deliberately in my face. When I was finally on my way back to my home, I was thinking, if there is a hell, surely that was it.

Damn, that sounds horrible, Impulse.

When my Dad died several years ago at the age of 94 we had him cremated and drove up to my brothers house in Canada with my dad's ashes in a plastic Tupperware tub I bought at a yard sale for .75 cents. Dad never wanted to spend money on a bunch of crappy funeral shit. What a scam that is!

There was no church service or formal memorial. Instead we all sat on the back porch on lawn chairs in our shorts and flip flops (it was Summer) drinking wine and beer, eating great food and talked about his life and some of the great things he did with his life. This went on for 5 or 6 hours. Several times we fell into fits of laughter recalling some of his wonderful eccentricities and the interesting things he did. It was just great! There was not one word about god, nothing about religion or "he's in a better place" crap. My dad was an atheist and would have loved it. We then took his ashes and spread them in a mountain river along with some of my mothers ashes. What a fantastic way to say good by to someone. The best!

What made me feel ok about his death was that he had a great life. That's what it's all about..have a great life. Can there be anything better than that? Thumbsup

Shakespeare Insult 13 – Henry IV Part 1
“That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?”
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24-02-2014, 04:19 PM
RE: I've just realized why I came here in the first place
(24-02-2014 04:16 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  
(24-02-2014 09:55 AM)Impulse Wrote:  My father passed away just before Christmas 2 months ago. There was a Catholic wake and funeral since everyone in my family is Catholic except for me. The wake was very awkward. It was an open casket with a bench for kneeling and Jesus hanging on the wall directly behind the casket. Despite it being about my father, I couldn't bring myself to kneel like everyone else was doing. I knew I would be kneeling before "Jesus", not my father and everything inside me was screaming "don't do it".

The next morning, my immediately family went to the funeral home before the service. Many relatives showed up there as well. Before we left for the mass, the funeral director announced that we could say one last good-bye. One-by-one my family members knelt before the casket and cross again. We were all center stage before the relatives and I felt very conflicted about what to do. For my mother's sake, I finally decided not to create a scene and so I knelt by the casket. I never looked at the cross, only at my father and in my head I spoke to my father, not Jesus, even though I knew he couldn't hear a thing. But I had to pass some time. I was the only one not to make the sign of the cross before standing back up.

At the mass, I felt like an outsider. Everyone was grieving, praying, and maybe feeling a little better believing my father was going to heaven. I felt irritated that I had to listen to all that bullshit when it was not at all what I needed to hear or do in those final moments before my father was buried. There were no comforting words for me there.

At the cemetery, my father was given a military funeral because he had served in the air force. They covered my father's casket in the US flag, shot the cannons, played Taps, saluted, and did the special flag folding. For me, that was the best part of the whole thing. It was not religious. It simply honored a specific part of who my father had been. It was small, but it at least gave me something that I didn't have to feel opposed to.

After the funeral was over and the guests had come to and gone from my parents' house, the discussion was full of religion - what a great job the priest had done, what beautiful mass cards relatives had sent, blah blah blah. They would return to this over and over to the point where I was beginning to wonder if it was deliberately in my face. When I was finally on my way back to my home, I was thinking, if there is a hell, surely that was it.

Damn, that sounds horrible, Impulse.

When my Dad died several years ago at the age of 94 we had him cremated and drove up to my brothers house in Canada with my dad's ashes in a plastic Tupperware tub I bought at a yard sale for .75 cents. Dad never wanted to spend money on a bunch of crappy funeral shit. What a scam that is!

There was no church service or formal memorial. Instead we all sat on the back porch on lawn chairs in our shorts and flip flops (it was Summer) drinking wine and beer, eating great food and talked about his life and some of the great things he did with his life. This went on for 5 or 6 hours. Several times we fell into fits of laughter recalling some of his wonderful eccentricities and the interesting things he did. It was just great! There was not one word about god, nothing about religion or "he's in a better place" crap. My dad was an atheist and would have loved it. We then took his ashes and spread them in a mountain river along with some of my mothers ashes. What a fantastic way to say good by to someone. The best!

What made me feel ok about his death was that he had a great life. That's what it's all about..have a great life. Can there be anything better than that? Thumbsup

By the was, the cost of my dad's "funeral" was around $125.75. Total!:LaughatThumbsup

Shakespeare Insult 13 – Henry IV Part 1
“That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?”
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24-02-2014, 04:37 PM
RE: I've just realized why I came here in the first place
(24-02-2014 04:16 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  When my Dad died several years ago at the age of 94 we had him cremated and drove up to my brothers house in Canada with my dad's ashes in a plastic Tupperware tub I bought at a yard sale for .75 cents. Dad never wanted to spend money on a bunch of crappy funeral shit. What a scam that is!

There was no church service or formal memorial. Instead we all sat on the back porch on lawn chairs in our shorts and flip flops (it was Summer) drinking wine and beer, eating great food and talked about his life and some of the great things he did with his life. This went on for 5 or 6 hours. Several times we fell into fits of laughter recalling some of his wonderful eccentricities and the interesting things he did. It was just great! There was not one word about god, nothing about religion or "he's in a better place" crap. My dad was an atheist and would have loved it. We then took his ashes and spread them in a mountain river along with some of my mothers ashes. What a fantastic way to say good by to someone. The best!

What made me feel ok about his death was that he had a great life. That's what it's all about..have a great life. Can there be anything better than that? Thumbsup

That's just... beautiful Smile

That's what I'd want my family to do when I die. They probably won't, but it's nice to know some people are like this.

"Behind every great pirate, there is a great butt."
-Guybrush Threepwood-
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24-02-2014, 04:59 PM
RE: I've just realized why I came here in the first place
(24-02-2014 04:16 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  
(24-02-2014 09:55 AM)Impulse Wrote:  My father passed away just before Christmas 2 months ago. There was a Catholic wake and funeral since everyone in my family is Catholic except for me. The wake was very awkward. It was an open casket with a bench for kneeling and Jesus hanging on the wall directly behind the casket. Despite it being about my father, I couldn't bring myself to kneel like everyone else was doing. I knew I would be kneeling before "Jesus", not my father and everything inside me was screaming "don't do it".

The next morning, my immediately family went to the funeral home before the service. Many relatives showed up there as well. Before we left for the mass, the funeral director announced that we could say one last good-bye. One-by-one my family members knelt before the casket and cross again. We were all center stage before the relatives and I felt very conflicted about what to do. For my mother's sake, I finally decided not to create a scene and so I knelt by the casket. I never looked at the cross, only at my father and in my head I spoke to my father, not Jesus, even though I knew he couldn't hear a thing. But I had to pass some time. I was the only one not to make the sign of the cross before standing back up.

At the mass, I felt like an outsider. Everyone was grieving, praying, and maybe feeling a little better believing my father was going to heaven. I felt irritated that I had to listen to all that bullshit when it was not at all what I needed to hear or do in those final moments before my father was buried. There were no comforting words for me there.

At the cemetery, my father was given a military funeral because he had served in the air force. They covered my father's casket in the US flag, shot the cannons, played Taps, saluted, and did the special flag folding. For me, that was the best part of the whole thing. It was not religious. It simply honored a specific part of who my father had been. It was small, but it at least gave me something that I didn't have to feel opposed to.

After the funeral was over and the guests had come to and gone from my parents' house, the discussion was full of religion - what a great job the priest had done, what beautiful mass cards relatives had sent, blah blah blah. They would return to this over and over to the point where I was beginning to wonder if it was deliberately in my face. When I was finally on my way back to my home, I was thinking, if there is a hell, surely that was it.

Damn, that sounds horrible, Impulse.

When my Dad died several years ago at the age of 94 we had him cremated and drove up to my brothers house in Canada with my dad's ashes in a plastic Tupperware tub I bought at a yard sale for .75 cents. Dad never wanted to spend money on a bunch of crappy funeral shit. What a scam that is!

There was no church service or formal memorial. Instead we all sat on the back porch on lawn chairs in our shorts and flip flops (it was Summer) drinking wine and beer, eating great food and talked about his life and some of the great things he did with his life. This went on for 5 or 6 hours. Several times we fell into fits of laughter recalling some of his wonderful eccentricities and the interesting things he did. It was just great! There was not one word about god, nothing about religion or "he's in a better place" crap. My dad was an atheist and would have loved it. We then took his ashes and spread them in a mountain river along with some of my mothers ashes. What a fantastic way to say good by to someone. The best!

What made me feel ok about his death was that he had a great life. That's what it's all about..have a great life. Can there be anything better than that? Thumbsup

That definitely sounds much better. That's more like what I needed to participate in. It's nice to hear that some people get it right. Smile

By the way, I left out one of the worst parts in my prior post. I had envisioned that I would sit in my seat while the rest of the family went up to receive communion. That would have be awkward enough, but as it turns out, we were in the front row and the priest simply walked over there to hand out communion to us! So that put me in the position of having to directly refuse. I did exactly that, but felt like I was probably offending everyone around me. I said "Thank you father, but I'll pass." He probably thought I was in a state of sin. Dodgy Well, from his point of view I am, but that wasn't my reason for refusing.

"Religion has caused more misery to all of mankind in every stage of human history than any other single idea." --Madalyn Murray O'Hair
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24-02-2014, 05:32 PM
RE: I've just realized why I came here in the first place
This talk about religious people and death immediately brings to mind the material that George Carlin did on the subject:




“Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool.” - Mark Twain
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24-02-2014, 11:41 PM
RE: I've just realized why I came here in the first place
(24-02-2014 10:08 AM)Paranoidsam Wrote:  I never really know what to say anymore to comfort someone in grief... There is nothing honest I can say to make someone feel better. I can't say "he's gone to a better place", or "he's happy now", cos that's just not true.

Maybe you shouldn't lie to them. Just tell them how sorry you are about their loss, and grieve with them. All the platitudes don't help anyway.

Softly, softly, catchee monkey.
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25-02-2014, 06:40 AM
RE: I've just realized why I came here in the first place
(24-02-2014 02:28 PM)undergroundp Wrote:  
(24-02-2014 11:55 AM)Dom Wrote:  Actually, I hated that when hubby died because it made me cry. I wanted to cry on my own terms. The hug without the words was good, but reinforcing the bad feelings with words was not appreciated. I guess I liked to do my grieving in private, and do constructive things when friends were there.

I suppose it depends on the person....

I know what you mean. It's like they're trying to make you feel better but it's like an intense opposite feeling that you're getting. Just when you think you are pulling it together, they just have to make you cry. And it feels terrible because it's almost forced out of you.

Oh man, every time anything upsetting happens and I'm either on the verge of tears or have just (so I think) finished crying, someone notices and says something about it. It's like ARGH! I was just getting myself under control and then some friend is like "hey are you okay?" And it all just bursts out. "I woulda been if you'd just pretended not to notice my red, welling eyes!" And hugs are even worse. Weeping

Happened to me recently at work :/ had a not so great class observation and I was upset with myself.. Thought I'd gotten it all out and looked decent so I went back to the office and of course somebody noticed.. sigh. I can't talk about it or I'll start crying again! At times like that it's best to just focus on something else til you can cry in the comfort of your own home.


(That's the best story I've got cause I've never been to a funeral... )
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25-02-2014, 06:52 AM
RE: I've just realized why I came here in the first place
(25-02-2014 06:40 AM)Colourcraze Wrote:  
(24-02-2014 02:28 PM)undergroundp Wrote:  I know what you mean. It's like they're trying to make you feel better but it's like an intense opposite feeling that you're getting. Just when you think you are pulling it together, they just have to make you cry. And it feels terrible because it's almost forced out of you.

Oh man, every time anything upsetting happens and I'm either on the verge of tears or have just (so I think) finished crying, someone notices and says something about it. It's like ARGH! I was just getting myself under control and then some friend is like "hey are you okay?" And it all just bursts out. "I woulda been if you'd just pretended not to notice my red, welling eyes!" And hugs are even worse. Weeping

Happened to me recently at work :/ had a not so great class observation and I was upset with myself.. Thought I'd gotten it all out and looked decent so I went back to the office and of course somebody noticed.. sigh. I can't talk about it or I'll start crying again! At times like that it's best to just focus on something else til you can cry in the comfort of your own home.


(That's the best story I've got cause I've never been to a funeral... )

I used to battle trying to keep the tears in, I don't bother anymore. I figure if you are in my life and know me, then you know that I let tears roll. I have found I recover quicker if I don't fight it. My friends are used it, I'm like John Boehner- SNL version Tongue


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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