I was outed!
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24-02-2015, 02:36 PM
I was outed!
So on Friday, I get an interesting call from my wife while I was at work. First words out of her mouth were "So, you're an atheist now?" I was floored. She caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say. I panicked and told her I dont know. She had found that I had been looking at different atheist books and I told her that I was just looking for answers. My wife is somewhat of a devout Mormon and could not believe that I didn't believe it anymore. She asked why I was looking at atheist books because all that does is increase doubt in my mind. My reply was that I wanted to see how atheists came to their disbelief. But deep down I am a non-believer. My biggest issue is that if I do come clean and tell her that yes I do not believe in God anymore, my marriage will be over. But I can't hide my opinion anymore either. I just don't know if keeping quiet is the right thing to do. But then I get accused of being selfish because all i care about is myself and not the family. I feel like I am backed up against the wall here and don't know what to do. Has anyone else out there had a similar experience?
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24-02-2015, 02:42 PM
RE: I was outed!
Shit, sorry Smitthom, that's rough.

I think a few people may have gone through the same sort of problems when they were found out. I never did, so I can't really help, outside of offering my baseless condolences and baseless opinions.

I hope the community will be able to help you, and that things turn out alright. Keep us posted, man.

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24-02-2015, 02:45 PM
RE: I was outed!
(24-02-2015 02:36 PM)smitthom624 Wrote:  My biggest issue is that if I do come clean and tell her that yes I do not believe in God anymore, my marriage will be over.

For real?

I thought Mormons were big on the whole "until death do us part" thing?

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24-02-2015, 02:51 PM
RE: I was outed!
Actually, LDS doctrines promote the eternal family. And that was the other big argument she threw at me was, don't you want to be an eternal family anymore? She tells me that she is open-minded and forward-thinking, but apparently not on this topic.
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24-02-2015, 02:51 PM
RE: I was outed!
Ouch!

I have no personal experience with this - and i don't know your wife and have no idea how she would react to various things. Just tread lightly - she needs to see that you are still your loveable self...

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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24-02-2015, 02:53 PM
RE: I was outed!
(24-02-2015 02:45 PM)kingschosen Wrote:  
(24-02-2015 02:36 PM)smitthom624 Wrote:  My biggest issue is that if I do come clean and tell her that yes I do not believe in God anymore, my marriage will be over.

For real?

I thought Mormons were big on the whole "until death do us part" thing?

Thought my husband was, too. Granted he's Methodist.

So much for vows. During the divorce attorney meeting yesterday his anger was palpable when asked about differences of religion.


Sorry smitthom. That sucks. My personal drama has been vented all over this forum. Be honest with her. Continue to be a loving, compassionate, doting husband so she knows you still care, it's all you really can do. Or that I know to do..

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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24-02-2015, 02:57 PM
RE: I was outed!
My advice/opinion? If she can't love you for who you are/what you do and insists you believe as she does or she won't love you, file for divorce. Otherwise, it becomes an abusive relationship, based on emotional manipulation. If you have children, this complicates things, obviously, but the basic idea remains the same.

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24-02-2015, 03:39 PM
RE: I was outed!
(24-02-2015 02:57 PM)One Above All Wrote:  My advice/opinion? If she can't love you for who you are/what you do and insists you believe as she does or she won't love you, file for divorce. Otherwise, it becomes an abusive relationship, based on emotional manipulation. If you have children, this complicates things, obviously, but the basic idea remains the same.

Yes, unfortunately this is it. If she can't overlook this, see you're still a good person...do you really want to remain with someone that believes this way?

Being outed sucks.

It just sucks.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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24-02-2015, 03:46 PM
RE: I was outed!
I'm curious as to how she found out. Nevertheless, if she refuses to get past this, your realistic choices are few.
Unfortunately, someone, more likely everyone involved, will be hurt by this.
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24-02-2015, 03:56 PM
RE: I was outed!
first- slow things down.

she was caught off guard, you were caught off guard, both of you are in panic mode......just find a way to just get everyone calm.

breathe.

second- you have to tread lightly. The longer you can remain calm and in control of your emotions the better. She needs to know that the person you are - the loving caring husband and father is the same one she knows.

third- don't argue points of theology - at this point it doesnt matter who is right and who may not be.

fourth- dale mcgowan just released a new book about 'mixed' religious marriages. He always has great advice

5th- you need to agree that no life changing family decisions will be made until you both can discuss calmly. your goal is a human rights one- freedom of conscience. the freedom to your own thoughts, the freedom to chooose what religious path you are going to tak and the freedom to change your mind at any time. its a basic right, and you need to be able to discuss it from that perspective. that no one can decide for another, that is the essence of life and freedom, choosing ho to live it.

6th- bring the converstion back around to what you want, that you still love her- that hasnt changed, you still want to married, you are still a good, kind person. nothing has changed except your opinion on one topic.


this is going to take months to work thru, remain calm, remain gentle and loving, show her you love her with actions, remeber that she will also be frightened for you (burn in hell) and will go thru all sorts of emotions and griving for something that she thought she had squared away (eternal family).

mostly you both need time to process all the facts, and emotions. No decisions till you reach that point.

:hugs:

this doesnt have to be the end.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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