I was outed!
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25-02-2015, 07:10 AM
RE: I was outed!
(24-02-2015 02:36 PM)smitthom624 Wrote:  Has anyone else out there had a similar experience?

Yes. I was Christian when I got married twelve years ago, but only came to terms with not believing about four years ago. There were about two years of solid doubts leading up to that, and my wife was aware I was "having troubles", but she wasn't happy when she realized that I flat-out didn't believe anymore.

It was more of an issue the first year or so than it is now. She had even mentioned thinking about getting divorced. luckily, that passed. On the plus side, she's quite a liberal Christian who doesn't believe in hell. So, she believes when I die, I'll go to heaven anyway, have a bit of egg on my face for having been wrong, then move on with my (eternal) life pretty quickly.



A bit of a humorous anecdote relating to this: A couple years after I'd stopped believing, this all seemed pretty "final" and certain to me. I had no intentions on trying to rekindle my faith anymore. I'd given up on that after two years of borderline depression. Anyway, I guess my wife thought that I was still a lot more open to coming back into the fold and was assuming this was a phase.

So, she and I were planning on spending some intimate time together after the girls went to bed that night. Before that, I happened to find a Bible that had been sitting in my night stand for the last several years, that I hadn't been reading. I figured there was no reason for it to be there taking up space, so I asked her if she wanted it on the bookshelf in the living room or in the extra storage space in the basement. Her response was a despondent "You really have given up, haven't you?".

I thought to myself "Oh fuck, that isn't good.", when I realized that I apparently told her more than I thought I did. Of course, that killed the whole mood, and she just wanted to go to sleep that night. Cock-blocked by Jesus, even while married!
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25-02-2015, 08:35 AM
RE: I was outed!
(25-02-2015 07:10 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  
(24-02-2015 02:36 PM)smitthom624 Wrote:  Has anyone else out there had a similar experience?

Yes. I was Christian when I got married twelve years ago, but only came to terms with not believing about four years ago. There were about two years of solid doubts leading up to that, and my wife was aware I was "having troubles", but she wasn't happy when she realized that I flat-out didn't believe anymore.

It was more of an issue the first year or so than it is now. She had even mentioned thinking about getting divorced. luckily, that passed. On the plus side, she's quite a liberal Christian who doesn't believe in hell. So, she believes when I die, I'll go to heaven anyway, have a bit of egg on my face for having been wrong, then move on with my (eternal) life pretty quickly.



A bit of a humorous anecdote relating to this: A couple years after I'd stopped believing, this all seemed pretty "final" and certain to me. I had no intentions on trying to rekindle my faith anymore. I'd given up on that after two years of borderline depression. Anyway, I guess my wife thought that I was still a lot more open to coming back into the fold and was assuming this was a phase.

So, she and I were planning on spending some intimate time together after the girls went to bed that night. Before that, I happened to find a Bible that had been sitting in my night stand for the last several years, that I hadn't been reading. I figured there was no reason for it to be there taking up space, so I asked her if she wanted it on the bookshelf in the living room or in the extra storage space in the basement. Her response was a despondent "You really have given up, haven't you?".

I thought to myself "Oh fuck, that isn't good.", when I realized that I apparently told her more than I thought I did. Of course, that killed the whole mood, and she just wanted to go to sleep that night. Cock-blocked by Jesus, even while married!

Jeebus, the ultimate ice-bucket challenge. Tongue
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25-02-2015, 09:52 AM
RE: I was outed!
(24-02-2015 02:36 PM)smitthom624 Wrote:  My biggest issue is that if I do come clean and tell her that yes I do not believe in God anymore, my marriage will be over.

Then it isn't a marriage. That sounds harsh, but it is true. If your marriage is holding on due to your ability to pretend to believe absolute delusion as a means to comprehend the real world around you, then it is doomed anyway. That is no way to live, and no way to conduct a marriage. That is a prison sentence, self imposed. I wish you the best in figuring out the way forward.....

"Belief is so often the death of reason" - Qyburn, Game of Thrones

"The Christian community continues to exist because the conclusions of the critical study of the Bible are largely withheld from them." -Hans Conzelmann (1915-1989)
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25-02-2015, 10:39 AM
RE: I was outed!
(24-02-2015 02:51 PM)smitthom624 Wrote:  Actually, LDS doctrines promote the eternal family. And that was the other big argument she threw at me was, don't you want to be an eternal family anymore? She tells me that she is open-minded and forward-thinking, but apparently not on this topic.

Tell her not to worry about that. We can't force ourselves to believe something, that is impossible. Can't force ourselves to believe in mermaids and goblins and fairies. Even if we pretended to believe in god, an omniscient being would know it's a charade. However, if god is all powerful and all knowing, he KNOWS that it is impossible for you to believe without proof. He knows what would allow you to believe. And he is capable of giving you the evidence you require. Because you're supposedly one of his creations, he MADE you this way, knowing you would be incapable of belief at this point in your life. Justlive your life and dont be a dick. Since belief isn't a choice, and he made you the way you are, he can't really punish you for something that's not your fault. So he will either:

A) Give you sufficient evidence to believe.
B) Forgive you upon your death.
C) Punish you upon death

In the case where he punishes you (even though he knows what you need to believe and can provide it), he's not worthy of worship. If he would punish you in that situation, he's just a despicable cunt... And would DEFINITELY also punish those who wear mixed fabrics, trim their sideburns, etc.. So even in scenario C, you'll likely still be with your family. Tongue
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25-02-2015, 10:52 AM
RE: I was outed!
Quote: if I do come clean and tell her that yes I do not believe in God anymore, my marriage will be over

Then it isn't much of a marriage. Who does she think she is married to? You or her silly god?

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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25-02-2015, 11:47 AM
RE: I was outed!
The OP hasn't responded for a while. I wonder if his wife somehow discovered that he has taken his questions to internet forums.

My husband and I never ran into this problem as he is an agnostic and I'm an atheist, so I never know how to respond to these kinds of marriage troubles.

I did read an interesting book called Why I Believed: Reflections of a Former Missionary and the author goes into detail about how his new non-belief affected his marriage and how they dealt with it.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Believed-Refle...0578003880

This book explains the evolution of someone who went from a firm believer to an agnostic to an atheist while his wife remained a strong fundamentalist. I think they are still married. The wife somehow adapted to the situation but it wasn't easy for her.

It was a well written, gentle and respectful book that I would recommend to the OP and to anyone interested in this kind of difficult marriage transition.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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25-02-2015, 03:43 PM
RE: I was outed!
(24-02-2015 10:15 PM)smitthom624 Wrote:  From the eternal family idea that the Mormon church holds sacred, it is an all or nothing proposition. Both spouses have to believe in order for it to work. It is an "either you're with me or you're against me" mentality, yet the basic foundation of the Church is promotion of the family. So long as the family believes in the same higher power.

This makes it sound like the deck is stacked against you, but maybe it's not. When you two got married, there were hopefully a lot more reasons than religion that brought you together - the most obvious one being love for each other.

Bows and Arrows made a great post on the first page with ways to approach this. I completely agree that you should avoid panic mode and take this slowly. Try to let your wife do all the emotional out-bursting while you remain calm and let her blow off that initial steam. This will allow her to deal with her immediate emotions while you don't give her any more to deal with.

After that, you need to seriously talk it out. Try not to make the discussion all about religion because that will be endless. Focus instead on all the things that brought you two together and remind her gently that none of that has changed. Remind her that you did in fact believe when you first got married (assuming that's true) and that you didn't choose to disbelieve now - the ultimate point being there was nothing you could have done to prevent arriving at this point even though you sincerely regret that it is hurting her. She may claim that you didn't have to look at atheist books so there was something you could have done. But let her know that once you started having doubts, not by any choice, you did have to look because you needed to know. If it's true, you can even tell her that you were hoping to find reasons to dispel your doubts.

If you have kids, I would make them an important part of your discussion. It will be better for them if you two stay married and find a way to work this out.

If it feels right and the timing seems right (after some weeks, not immediately), you may want to explore the idea of the all or nothing eternal family concept with her. Once she has had time to come to terms with your lack of belief, it may give her some pause for thought since she now has a very personal reason to consider this more carefully. This isn't really important or necessary, but I just thought I'd mention it. Your first priority is obviously saving your marriage.

And you, yourself, should drop the assumption that she will never come around because of the Mormon beliefs. If you don't, you may talk yourself right into a divorce. There's always a way to work it out. You just have to find it. Love, sensitivity, and compassion go a long way even if she's not giving much of it in return. Resolve to stay in that frame of mind no matter what she does.

@DonaldTrump, Patriotism is not honoring your flag no matter what your country/leader does. It's doing whatever it takes to make your country the best it can be as long as its not violent.
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25-02-2015, 04:13 PM
RE: I was outed!
If you have to someone other than your true self to maintain a marriage - it's already over. If she genuinely wants to be your partner (and you hers) for the rest of your lives she'll have to find a way to cope with the fact that you each believe different things. My wife is an ethnically-Jewish agnostic theist. She believes there is some kind of "force" at work in the universe beyond humanity itself, but she doesn't pretend to know what it is, or whether or not it's natural or supernatural. My atheism isn't a problem for her and her quasi-theism, or deism isn't a problem for me. I don't mean to say that my marriage is a model of perfection, but we've been together for nearly 15 years and we've grown together, including in our shared and separate philosophical beliefs and values.
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03-05-2016, 02:57 AM
RE: I was outed!
I'm back. Things kind of cooled off with my wife for awhile and I told her that I would at least try to figure it out whether I believe or not. This was Feb/Mar '15. It took about a year but I have figured it out. I am an atheist. I am finally prepared to accept whatever consequences arise from this should the truth reveal itself.
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03-05-2016, 05:36 AM
RE: I was outed!
You can't do anything other than be yourself.

....

You can only pretend otherwise.

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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