I wouldn't mind dying.
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19-07-2013, 05:17 PM
RE: I wouldn't mind dying.
Girl, you need Jesus.

No, I mean Jesus Miranda, lives down the street from you. He's got mad skills and will take you to heights you would not believe. One night with him and you'll want to live again and again and oh my God again!

Ok, just kidding. I don't know where you live, and I don't know anyone named Jesus Miranda. I was describing myself.

But you're too young.

In any event, if there's anything I can do, make you laugh, make you smile, help you realize how beautiful this world can be and that this is not a dress rehearsal -- it's our one shot to enjoy a happy, healthy, productive life -- well, you let me know. I can't do much from here, but what I can, I will do.
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19-07-2013, 05:35 PM
RE: I wouldn't mind dying.
(18-07-2013 07:16 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  I don't want to, but I wouldn't mind.

I'm about to be a senior, and I have no plans for my life after graduation. No motivation for school, no motivation for a job. I haven't even picked up a pamphlet for a college, nor have I taken my ACTs. I plan on it. I'm just procrastinating. I'm starting school end of next month with the shittiest attitude I've ever had when starting school. Usually I'm stoked, excited, motivated to do better than I did the year before (even though I usually slack off in the end.)

I'm not even motivated to maintain my friendships or relationships. I have drifted from several friends since the summer started. Completely fallen out with a couple of them, actually. At first, I allowed myself to drift from a lot of people because I've always felt more comfortable when I've limited myself. Better to have a few actual friends compared to a shit load of shallow, undependable relationships. But I took myself completely off of most public social networking, and now there are only 4 people I even speak to/occasionally hang out with.

Normally, I'm not one to even come out to any body about stuff going on. But holla it's the internet. Today I hung out with my boyfriend, and I guess it was when I felt unmotivated to even keep up a relationship with someone that was once awesome to me, I started feeling really, and I mean really shitty. I'm in the dumpiest of dumps right now, and that's why I'm going on with this. Man, I just want to see beauty in stuff. I want motivation. I don't want to feel like "I don't care about anything" all of the time because I can't find a reason that flips a switch in my brain. I'm letting friends slip away and I don't even care. I don't want to lose a relationship too. I also sleep a lot now, and don't get out as much as I used to. I'm 17. I'm not supposed to be home at all, and yet I'm sleeping more than I'm socializing.

I would actually be O.K. if a car hit me one day.

That's a pretty dark attitude for a teenager. Have you talked to a medical professional about this?

"IN THRUST WE TRUST"

"We were conservative Jews and that meant we obeyed God's Commandments until His rules became a royal pain in the ass."

- Joel Chastnoff, The 188th Crybaby Brigade
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19-07-2013, 05:46 PM (This post was last modified: 19-07-2013 05:56 PM by Dom.)
RE: I wouldn't mind dying.
(19-07-2013 12:26 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  But what if I'm not fond of change? What if I never have been?

Change goes against the human grain for some reason. Nobody likes it. Everyone has to deal with it. Some of us are more adventurous than others, but no one likes that in the course of life we lose people we hold dear, for whatever reasons. Some we decide to lose, some just get swept away into their own lives and futures. Some die. It's a constant flux. I think it's why people get married basically - other people may come and go, but the couple sticks together and provides constancy.

BTW, that was a shitty thing to say, that he can't split up with you because he thinks you will kill yourself. Really? Who does he think he is, and who does he think you are? That is not a healthy relationship. He is saying that he doesn't want you to kill yourself, but in the same breath he is saying that you are an unstable person and that he is very important. Not only that, now you will forever wonder why he is with you. Me - I'd get pissed off.

So the only constructive thing you mentioned is transportation. I guess you have to be 18 to drive? Well, plan for it. Go get an instruction manual from the DMV and put it in your bathroom and look at it when you are in there. Figure out what kind of car you want, what they cost, how you can save up for one, it's something to work towards so you are ready when the time comes.

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19-07-2013, 08:41 PM
RE: I wouldn't mind dying.
A Christian or an atheist shouldn't mind dying... and like you said, Ferdy... it's not that you want to die... it's just you wouldn't be sad if you did.

For an atheist, you just go into non-existence. Which is fairly easy to accept. Just like you didn't feel, care, or know about the billions of years before you where born, you won't feel, care, or know about anything when you brain stops.

For a Christian like myself, we get to go to a paradise unlike anything we can ever imagine.

Death isn't a bad thing because we won't care or even know that we've died.

So, I get ya Ferdy Smile

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19-07-2013, 09:42 PM (This post was last modified: 19-07-2013 11:47 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: I wouldn't mind dying.
(19-07-2013 08:41 PM)kingschosen Wrote:  For an atheist, you just go into non-existence.
...
For a Christian like myself, we get to go to a paradise unlike anything we can ever imagine.

Same goddam thing then Christian. Same goddam thing. Tongue But Ferdinand already gets that.

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
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20-07-2013, 01:21 AM
RE: I wouldn't mind dying.
Only one or two mentioned depression? If that's the case, you're lucky, because it's treatable.

However, as many people said, it will probably just pass on its own. When I was your age and under similar circumstances, I felt so terrible I couldn't eat properly for almost a year. But it did pass. And the best part is that when it passes once, next time it happens you will know that you CAN get through it and everything is easier.

What I did was simply think that it's just my body messing with chemicals in my brain. Find natural ways to feel better, do things you like. No pressure.

As for your boyfriend, most people would tell you that letting him go will "set you free". All my relationships were hard to leave, but after I did it I felt great relief and trust me, the door to meeting new people will be wide open. I don't know where you're from, but I managed to make friends in a (retarded) city of around 40.000 people.

Think about it, your brain is telling you to ignore your instinct to survive. You'd better turn around and punch it in the face saying "brain, go home, you're drunk". You'll be fine before you know it, just make sure you talk to someone in case you feel any need to hurt yourself in any way.

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20-07-2013, 09:59 AM
RE: I wouldn't mind dying.
(19-07-2013 12:26 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  But what if I'm not fond of change? What if I never have been?

Many of us are pretty static when it comes to what we are comfortable with. You are entering the world of the unknown, it is natural to be frightened. It is not that we are afraid of or dislike change. It is that we dislike the discomfort that comes with uncertainty.

(19-07-2013 12:26 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  I know I have my life ahead of me, but I don't want to let go of everything and everyone in the process. I don't want to do it alone. A lot of the friends I've lost are ones that I've always had; people that have never left. Now it's like I'm letting these people slip away and I really can't do anything about it. Including said boyfriend. I don't want to feel like I've outgrown him, but after reading what Dom said and thinking about it for a couple of hours, it started making a lot of sense. I thought about talking to him about how I've been feeling lately, but I don't know how he'd take it. He recently talked to his mom and I about his depression, and I don't want to pull him into something that could possibly make him feel worse.

I can't say I would have shared these feelings with anyone, Ferdie, but you have just shared it with this entire forum. You have all of us to lean on if you have problems.

Leaving friends is hard, but it is good that you care about it. It shows that you want something.

(19-07-2013 12:26 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  Off topic (but this is another thing that has been on my mind), when he talked to me about his depression recently, he mentioned partying and he brought up how he felt about how I have cut myself in the past. He used to always talk about how he felt he was too young to party and blah blah. It was a pride thing for him, and I respected him for seeming that responsible. Now he's changing, and I don't like witnessing it. We're only 17. We shouldn't be partying and drinking every weekend. We're not adults yet. Or maybe it's just the small part of me that wants to cling onto childhood.

Adults shouldn't be drinking and partying every weekend either.

(19-07-2013 12:26 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  He also made the remark (when we began to talk about me hurting myself in the past) that he doesn't want to break up with me because he's afraid I might kill myself. First of all, this was the dumbest thing anyone has ever said to me. What do I look like? I'm not going to kill myself over a person. I only cut in the past because I was upset and dumb, and my friends were doing it. I know this isn't true based on a lot that has happened within the past month, but it made me worry; I don't want him staying with me in the long run if he isn't actually going to want to be with me. I don't want him staying just because he's afraid that if he leaves, I'm going to do something stupid. That's stupid. And stupidity isn't a relationship.

To me, that is a double-edged sword. It shows that he cares about you, but it also seems to be a bit impersonal of him.

(19-07-2013 12:26 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  But the thing is, if I choose to let him go, I'm one person less than I already was, and that's already a significantly small number. Mentally, I can't afford that.

Then don't let go of him.

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20-07-2013, 04:56 PM
RE: I wouldn't mind dying.
(19-07-2013 05:35 PM)Carlo_The_Bugsmasher_Driver Wrote:  That's a pretty dark attitude for a teenager. Have you talked to a medical professional about this?

No Smile

(19-07-2013 05:46 PM)Dom Wrote:  Change goes against the human grain for some reason. Nobody likes it. Everyone has to deal with it. Some of us are more adventurous than others, but no one likes that in the course of life we lose people we hold dear, for whatever reasons. Some we decide to lose, some just get swept away into their own lives and futures. Some die. It's a constant flux. I think it's why people get married basically - other people may come and go, but the couple sticks together and provides constancy.

I've never really liked the inevitability of change, because it can do as much harm as it can do good, sometimes. I like to keep my priorities and perspective on the table, right in front of me, neatly, so I can keep it together. Whenever things starts to fall apart, my natural instinct is to pick everything up and put it back where it was primarily, unless I choose to let it stay wherever it goes. It's a really big thing for me when I choose to change something in my life, and it become really stressful at times.

(20-07-2013 09:59 AM)Logica Humano Wrote:  Many of us are pretty static when it comes to what we are comfortable with. You are entering the world of the unknown, it is natural to be frightened. It is not that we are afraid of or dislike change. It is that we dislike the discomfort that comes with uncertainty.

In all honesty, I am afraid. I am very afraid of life, especially growing up. However, I don't want to wake up every morning with the constant paranoia of being alone. I don't like being by myself, but I don't want to feel so dependent on people. I don't want to wear the same mask of feeling okay when I'm actually not. When I think of the people I've lost, and I try to tell myself that, in some cases, it has been for the best, I get kind of angry. I'm practically contradicting myself when I say I don't want people to slip away from me, but at the same time maybe it's better that I do let them go. I've always been really dependent on my friends and family, and that's a characteristic I always despised. So I figured I would be much happier limiting myself. And I was, until I thinned out my walls too much, and they ended up becoming kind of flimsy.

(19-07-2013 08:41 PM)kingschosen Wrote:  A Christian or an atheist shouldn't mind dying... and like you said, Ferdy... it's not that you want to die... it's just you wouldn't be sad if you did.

For an atheist, you just go into non-existence. Which is fairly easy to accept. Just like you didn't feel, care, or know about the billions of years before you where born, you won't feel, care, or know about anything when you brain stops.

For a Christian like myself, we get to go to a paradise unlike anything we can ever imagine.

Death isn't a bad thing because we won't care or even know that we've died.

So, I get ya Ferdy Smile

I am not really afraid of death because I don't really care. When it happens, it happens. Whether a Christian looks forward to paradise, or an Atheist expects absolutely nothing, I think it's better left behind closed doors. Expect whatever you want, but don't talk about it. Don't think about it. Leave it alone. When you die, you'll know what was beyond that door. Live your life and stop digging for keys you'll never find.
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20-07-2013, 05:13 PM
RE: I wouldn't mind dying.
(20-07-2013 04:56 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  In all honesty, I am afraid. I am very afraid of life, especially growing up. However, I don't want to wake up every morning with the constant paranoia of being alone. I don't like being by myself, but I don't want to feel so dependent on people. I don't want to wear the same mask of feeling okay when I'm actually not. When I think of the people I've lost, and I try to tell myself that, in some cases, it has been for the best, I get kind of angry. I'm practically contradicting myself when I say I don't want people to slip away from me, but at the same time maybe it's better that I do let them go. I've always been really dependent on my friends and family, and that's a characteristic I always despised. So I figured I would be much happier limiting myself. And I was, until I thinned out my walls too much, and they ended up becoming kind of flimsy.

We are all afraid, Ferdie. Remember those same feelings that you are going through still linger with me from time to time. I am not much older than you at all.

I don't want you to wake up in a constant state of paranoia either. No one wants to live behind a mask, pretending to be okay, when they hurt on the inside. Some of us like to bottle it up, especially me, but we all let it out sometime. The mask is not a permanent sealant. It has to come off.

You contradict yourself because you are uncertain. You and your qualities have changed, whether you like it or not. You have to find yourself again. I just want to let you know that, despite your concern, you are not alone. We are here for you. It may not be the same as someone close by. You may not always have access to us. But you are not alone.

I used to do the same thing during by time in high school. I grew tired of the constant dependency on my friends, so I began to isolate myself as well. But I want you to realize that depending on those you love is not a weakness. We all do it. It took me two years to realize that. I trust that you will recover faster than I did because, believe it or not, you are in a much better position than I was. And if I can conquer these problems, you definitely can.

You'll pull through. Thumbsup

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20-07-2013, 05:19 PM
RE: I wouldn't mind dying.
(20-07-2013 05:13 PM)Logica Humano Wrote:  We are all afraid, Ferdie. Remember those same feelings that you are going through still linger with me from time to time. I am not much older than you at all.

I don't want you to wake up in a constant state of paranoia either. No one wants to live behind a mask, pretending to be okay, when they hurt on the inside. Some of us like to bottle it up, especially me, but we all let it out sometime. The mask is not a permanent sealant. It has to come off.

You contradict yourself because you are uncertain. You and your qualities have changed, whether you like it or not. You have to find yourself again. I just want to let you know that, despite your concern, you are not alone. We are here for you. It may not be the same as someone close by. You may not always have access to us. But you are not alone.

I used to do the same thing during by time in high school. I grew tired of the constant dependency on my friends, so I began to isolate myself as well. But I want you to realize that depending on those you love is not a weakness. We all do it. It took me two years to realize that. I trust that you will recover faster than I did because, believe it or not, you are in a much better position than I was. And if I can conquer these problems, you definitely can.

You'll pull through. Thumbsup

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