I wrote an essay about atheism.
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30-03-2011, 05:35 PM
 
I wrote an essay about atheism.

Hello! I am a foreign student who is learning English in the U.S.

A few days ago, I wrote an essay in my class. The essay is about atheism.

Could you guys help me to modify my essay? because my essay has a lot of grammar mistakes. If you see wrong grammar sentences, please tell me. It will help me. Thank you Smile


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'People who can think are atheists.' Ernest Hemingway said. Some people think religion is good for well-being or helps people. However, number of the atheists have been increasing and some people hate religion itself. Why do people become atheists? Why has atheism spread all over the world? The reason is religion is useless. It is full of delusion. In addition, religion causes proscription and prevents rational thinking.
First, religion has brought wars in history. In the seven-teen century, a lot of people died. Some people who are obsessed their religion insisted to women were witches. If now, they are crazy, but at that time most people believe their religion. Moreover, millions people died because of a crusade. Some people believed their religion was right and the others believed their religion was correct. The latest tragedy that was brought by religion was 9.11. The fanatics high-jacked three airplanes and committed suicide themselves, with innocent passengers, crashing into the world trade centers building. There are a lot of fanatics who have extreme and dangerous. They commit suicide with a bomb because of their faith. People can find many terrible events that were caused by religion in history.
Second, religion makes people ignorant. For example, teachers hadn't taught the theory of evolution in Texas. That was very absurd. People have found numerous evidence of evolution. People can see tons of fossils in the museums. Religious people just try to avoid evidence even though the evidence is visible. In addition, people should be skeptical. There is a lot of baloney. If people get some information, they should ask themselves before accepted that information. People shouldn't believe something without thinking twice.
Third, religion is an infringement upon people's rights. Unfortunately, in some countries, people's rights are so low, especially women's. For example, an woman who gets raped will be killed by her father or brother in the middle east. Moreover, they call it 'honor killing.' Plus, women have to wear stuffy black clothes to hide their body and face even in very hot summer. They can't go and drive anywhere without permission. They can't make a bank account. It is very discriminative.
In conclusion, religion is useless. People can find a lot of cruel evidence of religion. It makes people stop rational thinking. Also, it causes proscription. Religion was started by ancestors who were scared of the life of after death. Some people think the world is boring without souls, devil and all kinds of superstition things. However, it will be a better world without religion. There is no afterlife. Therefore, enjoy your current life. It is priceless.


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30-03-2011, 06:11 PM
RE: I wrote an essay about atheism.
Ehhhh... it seems rather... angry.

Along the lines of "religion is stupid and you are stupid if you are religious! Suck it!"

Maybe present your case in a more objective fashion (less emotion, more facts).

And this is more "anti-religious" than "atheist." Being an atheist doesn't necessarily mean you hate religion.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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30-03-2011, 06:26 PM
RE: I wrote an essay about atheism.
Quotes are enclosed in double-quotes unless it is a quote inside a quote.
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30-03-2011, 07:16 PM
 
RE: I wrote an essay about atheism.
So I am like Christopher Hitchens! Smile
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31-03-2011, 09:13 PM
RE: I wrote an essay about atheism.
I noticed you said religion is useless.
Religion isn't useless. Its the sedative of the masses.

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forego their use." - Galileo

"Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do." - Voltaire
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02-04-2011, 01:14 AM
RE: I wrote an essay about atheism.
It's a bit of a rant. And you are correct; Your English needs work.
What I mean by a rant, is that it looks more like you put all your Ideas on paper. But that is not the essay. Now go through it, separate each Idea into subjects, For example; "Atheist are Thinkers" is an idea (Thank you for that); Fanaticism and suicide Bombers may be one Idea or two Connected Ideas,(depending on your perspective). ETC. Then let it flow.

Can I ask how old you Are?

The Beauty of The Scientific Method , is the Anticipation of a Better Explanation.
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01-12-2011, 06:19 PM
 
RE: I wrote an essay about atheism.
hmmm.... don't say things like 'in the seventeenth century a lot of people died. you will need to be more specific. do some research. find examples and cite your sources. what specifically was bad about this century? you could bring things like the spanish inquisition and the catholic / protestant slaughter under henry the 8th (england) up.

same with the bit about the crusades. there was more than one crusade and simply saying that millions (check your figures) died will not convince anyone. talk about how both sides were wrong. look up the story of the 'jannisaries' for the muslim side, and pretty much anything from the christian side. the crusades are rich with facts that proove your point, so don't settle for just mentioning them, elaborate!

you are wrong about evolution not being taught in texas. there are several heated school board battles that have been going on for a while now, but currently they still teach evolution at public schools. make sure you are cheking your facts. its no good to call religious people stupid and then have facts wrong on your end.

expand on the section about honor killings. cite a true story (there are thousands) and don't make value judgements. the facts will speak for themselves. make sure you mention that not all countries that are muslim have these laws; in fact many have been slowly changing them and loosening things up for women, you could mention that secular governenments (like turkey) have done away with most of those laws and are an example for other muslim nations to follow....

i think you should try not to be so negative in your tone. try to be a bit more compassionate towards those who believe. just calling them stupid will alientate them and probably get you a bad grade.

good luck.
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01-12-2011, 06:43 PM
RE: I wrote an essay about atheism.
8 month bump. Huh
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