In love with married coworker
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26-05-2017, 01:15 PM
RE: In love with married coworker
I simply told her that this relationship is pointless and nothing good can come from it. She did her little crying bit and apologized, then gave me a sob story about how awful her husband is and how she wants to leave him and blah blah blah.

Not my problem.

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26-05-2017, 01:20 PM
RE: In love with married coworker
(26-05-2017 01:15 PM)mikep987654321 Wrote:  I simply told her that this relationship is pointless and nothing good can come from it. She did her little crying bit and apologized, then gave me a sob story about how awful her husband is and how she wants to leave him and blah blah blah.

Not my problem.

Well done. Her issues are her issues, not yours. It's fine to be empathetic but another thing entirely to get involved.

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26-05-2017, 02:09 PM
RE: In love with married coworker
(26-05-2017 01:15 PM)mikep987654321 Wrote:  I simply told her that this relationship is pointless and nothing good can come from it. She did her little crying bit and apologized, then gave me a sob story about how awful her husband is and how she wants to leave him and blah blah blah.

She cried because you asked her to stop flirting? Wow! That's impressively bad acting.

I give it a week before she tries to plunk her ass in your lap again. Probably sooner given her lack of subtlety. If she does then you really need to get HR involved.

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26-05-2017, 02:52 PM
RE: In love with married coworker
MikeP, not sure if you answered this already, but is she aware that you have ASD?
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26-05-2017, 06:10 PM
RE: In love with married coworker
(26-05-2017 02:52 PM)Aliza Wrote:  MikeP, not sure if you answered this already, but is she aware that you have ASD?

No. She just assumes I'm the "shy quiet" type. I was diagnosed as a kid, and it's not a huge problem in my adult life. It mostly amounts to difficulty with social interaction. The only reason I mentioned it here was to put my situation into perspective so I could get better advice. I certainly wasn't looking for pity, nor was I trying to make myself look like a blameless victim.

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26-05-2017, 06:13 PM
RE: In love with married coworker
(26-05-2017 06:10 PM)mikep987654321 Wrote:  
(26-05-2017 02:52 PM)Aliza Wrote:  MikeP, not sure if you answered this already, but is she aware that you have ASD?

No. She just assumes I'm the "shy quiet" type. I was diagnosed as a kid, and it's not a huge problem in my adult life. It mostly amounts to difficulty with social interaction. The only reason I mentioned it here was to put my situation into perspective so I could get better advice. I certainly wasn't looking for pity, nor was I trying to make myself look like a blameless victim.

I doubt anyone here thought that.

Good for you for speaking to her...let her tears fall elsewhere.

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26-05-2017, 06:15 PM
RE: In love with married coworker
(26-05-2017 01:15 PM)mikep987654321 Wrote:  I simply told her that this relationship is pointless and nothing good can come from it. She did her little crying bit and apologized, then gave me a sob story about how awful her husband is and how she wants to leave him and blah blah blah.

Not my problem.

Excellent news Mike; well done mate. Smile

As all the other guys have said, it was bound to be a "relationship" headed for disaster. And I agree; it's sometimes difficult to differentiate "lust" from "love", and the ol' hormones take over. In future, just keep your distance—polite and casual with a touch of coolness should be the order of the day, assuming you work closely in the same office. No leading statements or suggestive small talk, no being alone in the same confined space, not sharing a coffee in the lunch room or drinks after work etc.

And if she tries to fire things up again, you should contact your personnel or HR department (assuming you have one) as sexual harassment, stalking, intimidation, suggestive comments or jokes, and flirting in the workplace are all breaches of the Sexual Discrimination Act relevant to your country.

Good luck.

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26-05-2017, 08:33 PM
RE: In love with married coworker
(25-05-2017 07:32 PM)mikep987654321 Wrote:  
(25-05-2017 07:26 PM)ShadowProject Wrote:  Are you in love...or is it lust?
That's an important distinction to make to yourself.

Also, it sounds like their relationship has issues. If you get involved with this woman while she is still married, their issues will become your issues too.

Mostly love, I think. She's on my mind constantly. The sexual attraction is maybe 20% of the equation. I was diagnosed with autism as a child and I still have great difficulty interacting with people. She's one of the rare people with whom I can hold a conversation like a normal person.

This woman is bad news. She's playing a game with her husband and using you as a pawn without any care for your feelings. If you ask her to stop and she doesn't, please consider going to your manager and to Human Resources, as she will be sexually harassing you.

However, one positive thing about this situation is that now you know you'd really like to have a girlfriend. I hope you'll be able to find a girl who gets you and wants to be with you for yourself, not to score points off of someone else. My son's autistic, too, and he's almost 20 and has just found his first girlfriend. (She's on the spectrum as well, and they seem to get along very well together)
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27-05-2017, 12:02 AM
RE: In love with married coworker
(26-05-2017 01:15 PM)mikep987654321 Wrote:  I simply told her that this relationship is pointless and nothing good can come from it. She did her little crying bit and apologized, then gave me a sob story about how awful her husband is and how she wants to leave him and blah blah blah.

Not my problem.

Nicely done Smile

If she just wanted support about her marriage, this wasn't the way to go about it.

I made the mistake of getting involved with someone who I knew had cheated before. She tried to get me to sleep with her before she broke up with her partner as well. I insisted that nothing would happen until she was single. It's obvious, looking back, that she was using me. She discarded me when she got bored and I suspect she cheated on me too.

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27-05-2017, 11:00 AM
RE: In love with married coworker
(26-05-2017 06:10 PM)mikep987654321 Wrote:  
(26-05-2017 02:52 PM)Aliza Wrote:  MikeP, not sure if you answered this already, but is she aware that you have ASD?

No. She just assumes I'm the "shy quiet" type. I was diagnosed as a kid, and it's not a huge problem in my adult life. It mostly amounts to difficulty with social interaction. The only reason I mentioned it here was to put my situation into perspective so I could get better advice. I certainly wasn't looking for pity, nor was I trying to make myself look like a blameless victim.

I’m assuming that you came to an atheist forum to get advice because you wanted objective viewpoints that aren’t colored by religious doctrine. I think I can do that. My advice is to ditch the woman (which I understand that you’ve already done). -Not because she’s married or that monogamy should be celebrated and "cheaters" should be demonized, but rather simply because it doesn’t seem like she's got anything to offer you.

I don’t see what’s wrong with consenting adults engaging in a little extra marital affair, provided that the key word consenting is satisfied for all parties involved. If she had been prepared to introduce you to her husband and make formal arrangements to engage in an affair that had clearly defined parameters, and you felt and expressed that you were emotionally capable and willing to engage in that kind of relationship, then I don't see that as being inappropriate. Your work situation shouldn’t be an issue if neither of you is a direct supervisor of the other, and if you disclose the relationship to HR.

If she’s unaware that you’ve been diagnosed with ASD, then she might not have been properly evaluating your reaction in context to her sexual advances. She might have excused certain behaviors as just being quirky or eccentric (or shy, as you said). It sounds like you weren't as wooed by her advances as you may have thought you were at first because you were able to put an effective end to the matter.

My reply post is practically moot at this point given that you've already handled the situation, but if you decide to change your mind, invite her to introduce you to her husband before you proceed. That shouldn’t be a problem in a legit arrangement.
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