In need of advice
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11-09-2017, 06:21 PM
RE: In need of advice
(11-09-2017 08:16 AM)Mathilda Wrote:  Welcome fellow Brit!

Don't be distracted by the details of being a British atheist or your husband being Texan christian. I'd say that your predicament is being married to someone who doesn't value you as you.

One side telling the other not only how to live their life, how to think and act, but what they should actually be is no basis for a marriage.

First and foremost in this life you need to be free to be yourself. People who don't tend to suffer untold misery and depression (e.g. because they are gay, trans or even subject to racist stereotypes assuming them to be something else).

You need to make it explicitly clear to him right now before it goes any further that he is asking the impossible of you and that the fact that he is even asking this of you is ringing serious alarm bells.

This. And what onlinebiker said.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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11-09-2017, 07:17 PM
RE: In need of advice
G'day Hanna, and welcome. Smile

(11-09-2017 06:17 AM)Hannah1710 Wrote:  The other day he decided to drop the bombshell and told me "you know when we move to the US, we'll be in the south so you'll have to believe"
I told him that I do not believe and that he knew that about me from the beginning, he answered with "you will, I do, so you will"...

I see what you mean about Texas v. atheism...

Religious Composition of Adults in Texas

Anyway... at the least, I would absolutely not recommend becoming, effectively, a false believer simply in order to keep your husband and his family happy. That'd demand a total repudiation of your basic human rights—regardless of the fact he's you husband. Having said that though, I can foresee a major rift in your relationship developing if he pursues this unrealistic demand. I also sense an undertone of the control freak in your husband, or a manipulator trying on a bit of emotional blackmail. (Of course though I could be totally wrong, as it's impossible to form an accurate opinion of someone you've never met.)

It's also of interest that he's trying for a job where he apparently would feel more comfortable surrounded by people of faith and family than he does in the more atheistic UK. Possible underlying personal insecurities showing there?

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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11-09-2017, 07:27 PM (This post was last modified: 11-09-2017 07:34 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: In need of advice
(11-09-2017 06:17 AM)Hannah1710 Wrote:  We currently live in the UK and my husband is currently interviewing for jobs in thr US, specifically TX and SC.

Tell him you'll move to Maryland. We got higher wages here anyway if his skills are worth a shit. And we don't really give much of a shit about anyone's personal metaphysics. Kind of look at you funny if you share them in public.
....
What's the Christian's skillset? That would probably be my primary consideration if I was looking where to relocate in the USA.

#sigh
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11-09-2017, 07:52 PM
RE: In need of advice
(11-09-2017 10:39 AM)Hannah1710 Wrote:  I think for the most part I could cope with Houston.

Houston is incredibly large and living in most parts of it will feel very much like living in total Christianville. The good thing about Houston is that the size of it also provides much support and companionship for non-believers, but you have to seek it out and go to Meetups and such...and it doesn't sound like your husband would respect a desire on your part to shoot out a few times a month for atheist support gatherings. Sounds like his attitude is "You will fit in with the locals in a way that I approve of." Sounds unhealthy.
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11-09-2017, 08:19 PM
RE: In need of advice
Austin, on the other hand, has a healthy expatriate UK enclave, enough to support a British supermarket downtown, and a more-liberal politico-religious climate.
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11-09-2017, 11:32 PM
RE: In need of advice
(11-09-2017 05:44 PM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  You can tell him that this Texan lives openly as an atheist with absolutely zero problems from the many believers here. Like you, I'm live-and-let-live, but if the topic of faith comes up I don't not and will not wear a mask ... and it isn't needed.

(11-09-2017 09:26 AM)Astreja Wrote:  This scenario is troubling on many levels.

If he's joking about you having to believe, it simply isn't funny.

If he's serious, this is a major red flag and personally I'd be weighing my options (including separation and divorce).

In either case, if he gets one of these jobs you may find yourself isolated on another continent with no family, friends or other social supports to draw upon. Do you have a close friend or family member you can discuss this with?

This post is very apt. The story of a British ex-girlfriend of mine who moved here after marrying her husband is too personal for me to relay here without her approval -- and preferably in her own words not mine. But it definitely sounds like she could convey much more insight than I could. She went through hell before their divorce became finalized.

I'll see if she feels up to it, Hannah, if you'll give me permission to relink your post to her.

Yes of course. Please do.
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12-09-2017, 01:15 AM
RE: In need of advice
I'll echo what a lot of people have said here. What you are describing is a potential warning bell of something abusive. It's not a sure-fire get-the-hell-out-now thing. It could easily have been a terrible joke or a foot-in-the-mouth thing or a miscommunication, especially since it was said in passing. So sit down and talk it out and either confirm or eliminate those possibilities.

But if he actually does think that being your husband gives him the privilege and power to force you into the faith, that's a problem. Maybe it's something he can be set straight on, but it's a big problem. And it's not a good idea to add "being in a new and hostile home and 2000 miles away from my nearest support network" as a garnish to a potential shit salad like that.

Best of luck.

PS: To Aliza and Shai. Yes, of course, that was not an "all theists" statement. But the odds were decent that at least one person of a theistic persuasion would have come by with that agenda, and it would have rapidly derailed into a fight with them rather than advice for the OP. It doesn't take all, it only takes a few.

"If I ignore the alternatives, the only option is God; I ignore them; therefore God." -- The Syllogism of Fail
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12-09-2017, 02:26 AM
RE: In need of advice
(11-09-2017 03:17 PM)Hannah1710 Wrote:  He has never ever spoken to me like that before. We've been together 5 years, married for 18 months

The way in which you handle this situation could have an effect on whether or not he speaks to you like that in the future, I hope for your sake that you make it clear to him that controlling behaviours have no place in a relationship.
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12-09-2017, 05:51 AM
RE: In need of advice
Coming from the Northeast of the US I feel confident that a move to TX or NC would probably constitute a culture clash for my family.
I can't imagine how weird it might be for someone from England.
Tell him you agree to live in Austin Texas.
That won't be such a stretch.
It's basically San Fran with cowboy hats.
Very liberal. You'll feel right at home.

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12-09-2017, 05:54 AM
RE: In need of advice
(11-09-2017 03:17 PM)Hannah1710 Wrote:  He has never ever spoken to me like that before. We've been together 5 years, married for 18 months

Do you even want to move to the U.S.? That may be another big problem with this scenario.
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