In need of perspective
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08-09-2014, 02:16 PM (This post was last modified: 08-09-2014 02:19 PM by oogie44.)
In need of perspective
I hate, that I find myself in this situation, but I need some perspective on how to deal.
I've been married for over 15 years. During those years my husband and I went to church at most three times. He was raised baptist/ Methodist, I was raised Catholic.
I am European, he's American. One day, about two years ago my husband told me that he asked Jesus to save him (this was while he was sleeping) and that he was now a believer. I was perplexed on so many levels! I didn't even have a clue that my husband needed to be "saved" from anything! We had been living an average life, without major calamities. We have a child together.
Needless to say, his experience has forced the issue of belief in our relationship, as I was "forced" to explore and articulate my beliefs out loud for the first time. I am an atheist.
He now thinks that I am going to hell and is trying to indoctrinate our child.
I have voiced my objections. I said to him that all our child needs at her age is parental love, not a crutch in life! I feel strongly about that.
Every Sunday, when he "sneaks"out to church with her, I have a negative emotional (visceral) reaction- I try to be understanding and accepting of his change, but it's incredibly hard. I scream on the inside when I think about it.
I have told him that when she is old enough she should be able to decide for herself, if she wants to believe and what she wants to believe.
We had our average problems before his conversion. Some where ongoing, but manageable. This one, I feel, could be the nail in the proverbial coffin for us.
Never in a million years could I have even guessed that I would be in this situation..

He says he loves me and that he wants to stay married. Yes, we have talked about the possibility of divorce. I don't want to this to my child! I feel backed into a corner.
His parents are very religious. I' m sure his mother had great influence on him, as she openly prayed for him to find Jesus...
Are you in a similar situation? I sure could use some perspective.
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08-09-2014, 02:31 PM
RE: In need of perspective
Hug

I can completely understand how it would make your blood boil.

And my mothers instinct gut reaction is to not divorce because then you won't know what is going on when he has the child. At least now you are in the same house and can witness and object to it. If you divorce, he will have his time with the child and you won't know.


Personally, I like the approach Dale McGowan uses. While it doesn't shield the child from religion, it teaches the child to question the wacky beliefs. It might be worth it to listen to more of his videos or buy a book or two. I will put a video link to one of his youtube sessions. At the end, he takes questions from the audience and one (if I remember correctly) is this same scenario.

Also, there is a book by Peter B?? How to raise an atheist that might give you some tips. Train yourself to become skilled in the Socratic Method, and one of my favorite websites is. http://Www.YourLogicalFallacyIs.com. And it will help you see the argument that is being used.

Critical thinking & logic skills armed with knowledge from others here on the bible and you will be a force that won't be stopped.


Here's Dale's video, it runs about 45 minutes.




"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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16-09-2014, 02:31 PM
RE: In need of perspective
Sort of...

I have been married just shy of 17 years. I was once a believer, but now I am not. My wife is very much a believer. I have not told her I am an atheist for fear it will end our not so great marriage. I take the "disgruntled catholic" approach with her. I do not think she could handle the truth just yet. She stays mad at me over me not going to church, not forcing our teen kids to go to church, not forcing them to get confirmed, etc.

My wife is not a person I can talk to. I can either let her have her way or fight. There is no compromise, no understanding, no compassion from her.

Being a man divorce is a big fear for me. I am super attached to my kids and not seeing them all the time would be a huge loss for me. Loosing my stuff and retirement is not much of a fear, I can work longer and replace the stuff. Getting raked over the coals for monthly support of her and taking all the debt is a concern. I do not want to be put in a place where my finances would negatively impact my kids.
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02-10-2014, 12:49 PM
RE: In need of perspective
Thank you, bows and arrows, for taking the time to respond.
I liked the video you've recommended, and I have been exploring and listening to whatever I can get my hands on to better cope with my situation.
It's interesting (telling?) that my husband refuses to talk about his religiosity with me. I have the hardest time understanding how he can believe the stuff of the bible. I do understand that college education does not a skeptic make, but come on!! I get indoctrination as a child, but can't fully understand the stronghold into adulthood. I too, went to church, received the sacraments, and was told the stories. Yet they didn't stick...
I showed him the verse in the bible where it says god created both good and evil (Isaiah 45:7), he reacted with silence.
When I asked him if he agrees with the scripture that I deserve to burn in hell for all eternity, he said "I haven't done anything to you!" and left the room.
He's stonewalling.
It drives me crazy that he doesn't feel comfortable ( trusting) with me to open up. He prefers isolation and taking his issues to god, instead of giving me a glimpse of his heart. And that hurts.
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02-10-2014, 12:58 PM (This post was last modified: 02-10-2014 01:17 PM by Chas.)
RE: In need of perspective
I suggest you get a lawyer and start the divorce process. Openly.

You will either get divorced or he will wake the fuck up and you won't get divorced.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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02-10-2014, 01:10 PM
RE: In need of perspective
Maybe I missed it, but how old is the kid?

There is a very good chance that with one believer and one non believer as parents, she will believe at a young age and drop it as teen.

I am more worried about you - I know it would irritate me to no end if I had a born again husband.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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02-10-2014, 01:34 PM (This post was last modified: 02-10-2014 02:04 PM by kim.)
RE: In need of perspective
(02-10-2014 12:49 PM)oogie44 Wrote:  When I asked him if he agrees with the scripture that I deserve to burn in hell for all eternity, he said "I haven't done anything to you!" and left the room.
He's stonewalling.
It drives me crazy that he doesn't feel comfortable ( trusting) with me to open up. He prefers isolation and taking his issues to god, instead of giving me a glimpse of his heart. And that hurts.

"I haven't done anything to you." ... ? What the heck is that about?
Consider

This may sound weird and paranoid but ... ^^that^^ has all the earmarks of some kind of guilt he's been carrying around over something he may have thought about you.
***

He seems to be unwilling to trust; I don't see much reason to remain in the relationship at this point. Since you have both discussed divorce, it is possible that he really wants it but can't own up to it for fear he will be in trouble with god... and his mother. He looks to approval from his mother and god - something outside himself. Please realize, you have developed into a secure adult and he, has not.

The relationship appears to have become very one-sided and this is not something you want to subject your child to. Such conflicting behaviors, along with the indoctrination will be extremely difficult for her to sort out... more upsetting than separation/divorce.

Provide your kid with some stable tranquility and seek a less confusing atmosphere to concentrate on what is most important: your child and you.

Your husband is a big boy and he's chosen god; god will take care of him.
You take care of you and your child. Hug

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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02-10-2014, 01:57 PM
RE: In need of perspective
wazzel,
Your post has made me think what if I am the wife my husband feels he can't talk to? I sometimes ponder how, and when, do we get to the point where it's easier to just keep quiet. How many unresolved, invalidated conversations does it take?
Do you think your wife suspects that you no longer believe, or does she think that you are just" lazy" about going to church?
When I declared to my husband that I am an atheist, I pretty much just blurted it out as a reaction to his statement about having asked Jesus to "save" him. I didn't even consider the consequences. We were sitting in bed that night, I remember, and my thoughts were spinning as I listened to him share the"good news" with me. I was dumbfounded.
It's been almost two years since that night.
I am so glad to have discovered this community, where I can share my thoughts with like-minded people. Take care.
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02-10-2014, 02:23 PM
RE: In need of perspective
(02-10-2014 01:57 PM)oogie44 Wrote:  wazzel,
Your post has made me think what if I am the wife my husband feels he can't talk to? I sometimes ponder how, and when, do we get to the point where it's easier to just keep quiet. How many unresolved, invalidated conversations does it take?
Do you think your wife suspects that you no longer believe, or does she think that you are just" lazy" about going to church?
When I declared to my husband that I am an atheist, I pretty much just blurted it out as a reaction to his statement about having asked Jesus to "save" him. I didn't even consider the consequences. We were sitting in bed that night, I remember, and my thoughts were spinning as I listened to him share the"good news" with me. I was dumbfounded.
It's been almost two years since that night.
I am so glad to have discovered this community, where I can share my thoughts with like-minded people. Take care.

Who knows. I might be the husband a wife can not talk to. I tend to get frustrated with her when we "discuss" things. She gets loud and aggressive and I retreat.

She knows I am more than being lazy. I have made it very plain that my decision to not go to church or participate in any way shape of form is a conscious decision on my part. I also made it a point that it is because I do not agree with the church teachings, particuarlary the catholic ones, since that is where we were going before I dropped out. She asked me not long ago if I would go some where and I told her I was not interested in going anywhere, ever. I suspect she suspects, but is unwilling to accept. I could be wrong on the accepting part, but knowing my wife I tread lightly. She got real mad at me not to long ago when she said the devil did something and I countered with there is no devil. Out of fear of an extremely negative reaction I do not announce. I am known to point out where I think church teaching are stupid.

We have lots of other issues in out marriage, so the religion thing could be the ender. Some days I just want to be a jerk and tell her in a big deal kind of way to make her either leave or throw me out, but I am non-confrontational and that would be childish.

Best of luck to you, I hope things go well for you.
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02-10-2014, 03:02 PM
RE: In need of perspective
(02-10-2014 01:10 PM)Dom Wrote:  Maybe I missed it, but how old is the kid?

There is a very good chance that with one believer and one non believer as parents, she will believe at a young age and drop it as teen.

I am more worried about you - I know it would irritate me to no end if I had a born again husband.
She is eleven years old. Lately, we've been reading about the greek gods, and mythology in general. I asked her to come with me to a Hindu temple, so she can experience other rituals and religion. I am trying to do my part.
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