Inner rage and fake tranquility
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09-04-2014, 02:44 PM
Inner rage and fake tranquility
I already hate myself for that title. I just wrote it because it looks like some pseudo-intellectual crap that has no purpose other than to make me come across as smart. This post might be a long one, so strap in. I'll try not to curse too much.

I don't like myself. I think that's something that a lot of teens feel, they're unsatisfied with who they are, how they look etc. However, I really don't like myself and it eats me up. I'm just angry all the time. Angry at myself, angry at others, angry at my parents for being such boring people, angry at lying politicians, angry at happy people because I can't be what they are, angry at people in relationships because I can't have what they have.

This has gone beyond normal teen angst. Or maybe that's part of the teen angst, that selfish idea that I'm a special little snowflake that is different from everybody else.

What I'm trying to say is that I can find flaws in everything, even good things. I bottle up that hatred and let it rot like leftovers that haven't been thrown out for weeks. There has literally not been a day in the last month on which I didn't feel sad, pathetic, depressed or otherwise shitty. Does anyone feel like this? Do any of you know how to cope with this? Maybe I should mention that I'm completely friendless in my new class. That's because I'm incredibly socially awkward, another thing to hate myself for.

Oh yeah, I'm turning 18 in an hour and 15 minutes. Happy fuckin' birthday to me...

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10-04-2014, 12:22 AM
RE: Inner rage and fake tranquility
First, Happy Birthday!

Second, it sounds like what you are describing is rage, and rage that will not go away isn't for anyone.

Third, please find an someone you can talk to about how you feel. What you describe can only injure you or someone else.

My heart goes out to you, many hugs Hug

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story." Orson Welles
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10-04-2014, 03:12 AM
RE: Inner rage and fake tranquility
I've been like that for many years of my life. It always got worse in winter.

It's not just depression, which is a cycle where you think about the negative things that are happening, this makes you more depressed and so you makes you focus more on what's wrong and lose perspective. It's also an issue of self-esteem.

When some horrible memory comes up where I did something wrong and I start dwelling on it, I realise what's happening and force myself to think of something else, something that I hope to achieve in the future or something that I am currently working on. There have been a few times when people have asked what's wrong and it has just been me shaking myself out of it. I don't talk about it though.

The problem is that none of us are born knowing how to deal with the world and part of learning is making mistakes. But if you are particularly harsh on yourself then even the slightest mistake or social faux pas can turn to self loathing. And it's so easy to do something that creates a memory which later causes regret even if absolutely everyone else quickly forgets about it. That's why you need to train yourself to stop dwelling on such memories.

I realised that time is only a healer if you don't dwell on your past, otherwise it's like constantly picking at a scab and causing it to bleed. It takes many years to slowly change such ingrained habits but the alternative is to continue as you are.
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10-04-2014, 03:44 AM
RE: Inner rage and fake tranquility
I've felt the same way for a while (years, in fact). Every little thing would piss me off. I decided not to let the anger run my life.
First, I tried to curb my anger. It took a while, but I managed to get less and less angry at things. People (jerks) around me didn't make that easy, though. Seeing as how it was taking way too long to diminish my anger (which only served to piss me off further), I decided to be angry anyway (though not at the same level that I started out with) and still make rational decisions that didn't rely on that anger. Eventually, the anger didn't control my actions anymore, and it slowly went away.
Now I only get angry when it's mixed with another emotion, such as regret.

Note that the first part of this process was a conscious decision that relied on my knowledge of myself. That isn't something that I can teach.

The truth is absolute. Life forms are specks of specks (...) of specks of dust in the universe.
Why settle for normal, when you can be so much more? Why settle for something, when you can have everything?
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11-04-2014, 05:42 AM
RE: Inner rage and fake tranquility
Thanks guys, it's nice to vent a bit and get your input Blush

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11-04-2014, 06:00 AM
RE: Inner rage and fake tranquility
I've never really felt rage. I mean, I've been angry, but I have never felt that level of anger increase to what I think rage is. I am angry at myself, at others, and at many people who probably don't deserve it, but it is just because when I get angry, it's my way or the "fuck you" way. However, when I do get angry, people better run or hide because it's almost like I am a completely different person, and while I am usually a very nice guy who enjoys the company of my friends, I do admit to enjoying the reactions I get out of them when I am pissed.

Though, lately, I have been getting angrier and angrier about stuff that usually didn't bother me that much, and it is getting more often but the day. I actually cursed out an Asian dude for calling me too sensitive. Fuck yeah, I am sensitive! That didn't mean he deserved getting yelled at for being right. I have then since apologized, but I still feel the anger inside me, ready to cause me to blow up at the next little thing.

I don't have any advice to fix it, since it seems I am going through something similar (though not completely the same), but I am happy to know that it's not just me.

Thanks for sharing, brother.

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11-04-2014, 06:05 AM
RE: Inner rage and fake tranquility
(09-04-2014 02:44 PM)NL Atheist Wrote:  I already hate myself for that title. I just wrote it because it looks like some pseudo-intellectual crap that has no purpose other than to make me come across as smart. This post might be a long one, so strap in. I'll try not to curse too much.

I don't like myself. I think that's something that a lot of teens feel, they're unsatisfied with who they are, how they look etc. However, I really don't like myself and it eats me up. I'm just angry all the time. Angry at myself, angry at others, angry at my parents for being such boring people, angry at lying politicians, angry at happy people because I can't be what they are, angry at people in relationships because I can't have what they have.

This has gone beyond normal teen angst. Or maybe that's part of the teen angst, that selfish idea that I'm a special little snowflake that is different from everybody else.

What I'm trying to say is that I can find flaws in everything, even good things. I bottle up that hatred and let it rot like leftovers that haven't been thrown out for weeks. There has literally not been a day in the last month on which I didn't feel sad, pathetic, depressed or otherwise shitty. Does anyone feel like this? Do any of you know how to cope with this? Maybe I should mention that I'm completely friendless in my new class. That's because I'm incredibly socially awkward, another thing to hate myself for.

Oh yeah, I'm turning 18 in an hour and 15 minutes. Happy fuckin' birthday to me...

Maybe it's teen angst, maybe you just need to listen to a lot of metal and release your anger in a pit full of angry people, or maybe you just need a hug. My advice sucks, but I can say you're not the only person experiencing this. I can't quite understand your perspective and approximate feelings on the matter, for the fact I can't step into your shoes for a day, but I can give you an internet hug and say that we've all felt angry and lonely and sad altogether at times.

Happy Birthday, I turned 18 last month. Now we can both be even more depressed that our childhood is gone, and our teenhood ends in about two years.

Hug

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11-04-2014, 06:08 AM
RE: Inner rage and fake tranquility
(11-04-2014 06:05 AM)Ferdinand Wrote:  Maybe it's teen angst, maybe you just need to listen to a lot of metal and release your anger in a pit full of angry people, or maybe you just need a hug. My advice sucks, but I can say you're not the only person experiencing this. I can't quite understand your perspective and approximate feelings on the matter, for the fact I can't step into your shoes for a day, but I can give you an internet hug and say that we've all felt angry and lonely and sad altogether at times.

Happy Birthday, I turned 18 last month. Now we can both be even more depressed that our childhood is gone, and our teenhood ends in about two years.

Hug

I think metal would make me angrier if I'm honest. I don't go beyond punk rock.

Glad you can relate, internet hugs back!

Hug

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11-04-2014, 08:09 AM
RE: Inner rage and fake tranquility
(11-04-2014 06:08 AM)NL Atheist Wrote:  
(11-04-2014 06:05 AM)Ferdinand Wrote:  Maybe it's teen angst, maybe you just need to listen to a lot of metal and release your anger in a pit full of angry people, or maybe you just need a hug. My advice sucks, but I can say you're not the only person experiencing this. I can't quite understand your perspective and approximate feelings on the matter, for the fact I can't step into your shoes for a day, but I can give you an internet hug and say that we've all felt angry and lonely and sad altogether at times.

Happy Birthday, I turned 18 last month. Now we can both be even more depressed that our childhood is gone, and our teenhood ends in about two years.

Hug

I think metal would make me angrier if I'm honest. I don't go beyond punk rock.

Glad you can relate, internet hugs back!

Hug

Why do you think metal would you make you more mad? Just curious because growing up I was normally either depressed or suicidal. Metal was the only thing that really relaxed me and made me think about something else besides my depression. You just gotta find the right band for you, and pits are always fun Tongue

Good luck bro, you always have people here for you. Oh, and happy birthday. I mean that.
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11-04-2014, 08:15 AM
RE: Inner rage and fake tranquility
(11-04-2014 08:09 AM)Im_Ryan Wrote:  Why do you think metal would you make you more mad? Just curious because growing up I was normally either depressed or suicidal. Metal was the only thing that really relaxed me and made me think about something else besides my depression. You just gotta find the right band for you, and pits are always fun Tongue

Good luck bro, you always have people here for you. Oh, and happy birthday. I mean that.

I hate metal, that's basically the deal. I will either use Rise Against to get morally outraged at injustice which is a tolerable anger, or I'll use Radiohead to try and calm down. The latter should be taken in moderation, because existential depression can be a side-effect.

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