Irritating friends that act like parents
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15-08-2014, 06:01 PM
Irritating friends that act like parents
I have found myself in a very annoying situation with two friends that I don't really know how to handle. I've acknowledge that I'm basically, slowly fucking myself over in a giant web of white lies I've created to keep one of these two people from feeling hurt and betrayed.

For my explanation, I will give these people fictional names, and a little background on my history with both of them.

Jill: Jill and I have been best friends for several years, going back to the beginning on high school. Jill is like that little annoying sister you love, but sometimes she does ridiculous shit and you just need a break from her, but at the end of the day, you still love her. Jill and I have had multiple fallouts, but as I am very attached to Jill because we've been such close friends for so long, and that I am a very forgiving person, I try to see the goodness in people rather than hold grudges.

Jack: Jack and I have been friends for a few years. We met a few years after I became best friends with Jill. Jack is a nice guy, but often times emotionally unstable. He was discharged from the Marines due to medical problems. He is one of my closest friends and one of the most important people to me, but sometimes his humor towards me is actually very hostile, rude, and he can be very mean to me without realizing it sometimes.

Jill and Jack have had a relationship. Towards the latter moments of their relationship, Jack left for the Marines and Jill was unfaithful. This caused a lot of emotionally unstable issues for Jack.

My problem is that, although I completely disapprove of Jill's actions in her relationship with Jack, I reflect back to what I said earlier about how she's like a little annoying sister that does dumb shit, but at the end of the day I still care about her and allow her into my life because I feel like I should. However, I can't have a public friendship with Jill anymore, and by that I mean I have to hide my life (when with her) from all social media and conversations with my friends. Sometimes that gets a little annoying. I've already dealt with hiding a boyfriend from my mom (luckily I don't have to do that anymore because I moved on in life.) But hiding a friendship, or this friendship specifically, is a little harder.

I would like to share my life and adventures on social media. I'm young, so mass amounts of pictures and videos are sometimes a necessity for me, as I feel I must be "that guy" (lmao) and document everything. The reason I can't do so is because any time Jack sees so much as a comment or picture on social media, notices her name pop up on my phone, or hears I was with her from one of our other mutual friends, he instantly turns into a father, rather than a friend. Jack is still emotionally unstable from their breakup, and holds an enormous grudge. I don't blame him for holding the grudge and still feeling bitter towards her. What she did was wrong, and I have felt an amount of heartbreak before as well. But that gives him no right to try and control my life and feed me ultimatums left and right. I shouldn't have to hide things for fear of losing someone. He lectures me about continuing the friendship, he has fits of depression and anger. and he'll become randomly infuriated with me and blow up my phone with messages and lectures insulting me. He even went so far as not speaking to me for several days, and for me to get him to speak to me again, I had to promise him I wouldn't be her friend again.

That is a promise I can't keep.

He is a very important friend to me and I don't know what to do besides keep lying my ass off about everything. I know I can't do that for long though because I already feel it weighing down on me. I feel like he knows about some of the lies, he's just reluctant to confront me or do anything about them because he wants to believe me. But it really fucking sucks. I don't want to lose a friend or choose between the two, because they've both been there for me for a very long time. I just want to be able to live my life freely without being harassed because I'm friends with someone the other person opposes.

What do I do?

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15-08-2014, 06:21 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
Friends shouldn't make you choose who your other friends are.


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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15-08-2014, 06:30 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
You can't take responsibility for other people's feelings. I'd tell Jack that his friendship is important to me, but so is Jill's. I hope the two of us can stay friends, but I won't make promises that can't and more importantly don't want to keep. I understand if that's a deal-breaker for him, but I really hope it doesn't come to that.

At that point, it's up to him. You've let him know you value the relationship, and you won't have to filter yourself to avoid giving away a lie.

Looking on the bright side, once you run off to college you won't have to deal with things like this as much. Smile

"Faith is the license religious people give one another to keep believing when reasons fail."

-Sam Harris, The View from the End of the World SALT talk
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15-08-2014, 06:33 PM (This post was last modified: 15-08-2014 08:26 PM by LadyJane.)
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
Of course this is a promise you can't keep and it's not right, either.

Get some boundaries and don't be a doormat. Jack's emotions are not something you should be appeasing to, he needs help you can't give him nor should you have to. Encourage him to help himself in healthy ways (like a good friend would), but controlling what you do is not okay.

Jill and Jack's relationship history doesn't define the friendship you have with them individually. They both need to respect that and accept that you will be a friend to them individually. If they cannot be mature about your friendship then are they really friends you should have?

If Jack is saying or doing things that make you uncomfortable stand up for it or leave in that moment (always have a way out). If things are good, then stay and say how you appreciate it. Feed the good parts, starve the bad. If things aren't getting better… then is this really a friendship you should have?

From my experience, no matter the history of a friendship and its special meaning, you always have to do what is safest and healthiest for you (including emotional health).
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15-08-2014, 06:40 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
What moms said.

And, luckily, most of us grow out of and away from that kind of drama.

See here they are, the bruises, some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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16-08-2014, 08:07 AM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
You're not their child, and they didn't get a divorce. You shouldn't force yourself to choose.

What Jill did, as you've stated, is wrong. And that's ok. I have a few friends my husband HATES because they've made some super shitty decisions in their lives. But those decisions don't effect our friendship. So he gets told to mind his beeswax.

As selfish as this may sound, I would simply come clean to Jack. Lay it all out. You're still friends with Jill, yadda yadda, however you want to word it, and like LadyJane said, give some boundaries if he allows the conversation to continue.

Would you hide the friendship from him if he weren't emotionally unstable?

Additionally, it sounds like he either needs to seek treatment or grow up. More likely, seek treatment. If he was discharged due to mental status, he needs help. I'm sure that's playing into his inability to let go of her past transgressions. They've broken up. He needs to move on, you know?

Hopefully things work out, but I would be fully prepared to lose him as a friend. It may not happen, or he may need some space for a while, but I always like to prepare for the worst.

Good luck.
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16-08-2014, 08:37 AM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
This is gonna sound strong... is my opinion, so... up to you what you do with it Wink

McJack must wind his neck in Drinking Beverage It's pretty straightforward. He is not your friend if he wants to control you. If you continue to lie to him you will hate it and if you cave to him you will hate yourself. Just tell him to back off, learn some respect for you - who is he to dictate your life - and *maybe* he will be lucky enough that you will still count him as a friend.

If he declines those terms then IMO he's not a friend, he's a user.

PS: It's not your job to fix his head or to keep him mentally stable. If he can't handle shit on his own that's his problem.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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16-08-2014, 08:50 AM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
Dump 'em both.

Go to college, get new friends, have a real life.

Many years into the future, you will look back into their lives and you'll see them still living like fucked up teenagers. Drinking Beverage


Also, what everyone else said.

I think in the end, I just feel like I'm a secular person who has a skeptical eye toward any extraordinary claim, carefully examining any extraordinary evidence before jumping to conclusions. ~ Eric ~ My friend ... who figured it out.
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16-08-2014, 12:52 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
(16-08-2014 08:07 AM)MrsFarrow Wrote:  Would you hide the friendship from him if he weren't emotionally unstable?

No, because I can imagine if he were more naturally emotionally stable, he would have an easier time understanding and coping with his life after the break up. It's been almost half a year since the two of them broke up, and it seems like he only becomes more and more hostile about it.

(16-08-2014 08:50 AM)kim Wrote:  Dump 'em both.

Go to college, get new friends, have a real life.

Many years into the future, you will look back into their lives and you'll see them still living like fucked up teenagers. Drinking Beverage

Also, what everyone else said.

I wish it were that easy for me. I'm too emotionally attached to both of them for that to be an easy thing for me to do...

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16-08-2014, 01:01 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
Take the leash off, and stand up on your own two feet.

I have two friends who dislike each other. They both live about 3 hours away, and when I go to visit there's a bit of a tussle as to which friend I see first, have dinner with, etc. I've made it perfectly clear to both of them that I will not be told who I can or cannot see/talk to. Once in a rare while I hear a catty comment from one or the other. I either disregard it, or give them the old stink eye for a few seconds. They have learned to just avoid the painful subject.

It can be done.

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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