Irritating friends that act like parents
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
16-08-2014, 01:09 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
Here's a rambly post for you:

(16-08-2014 12:52 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  I wish it were that easy for me. I'm too emotionally attached to both of them for that to be an easy thing for me to do...

You are a sweet person Smile I want to... tell you though... friendships are not forever. People move in different directions in their lives. Sometimes the person you loved is no longer there, one day. Someone is there who has the same face and the memories... but they are not that person.

A good skill to learn, is when to get the fuck out. It's a hard skill too - sometimes you think "it's not so bad, things could go back to how they were"...

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit,
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
-- Ghiyāth ad-Din Abu'l-Fat'h 'Umar ibn Ibrāhīm al-Khayyām Nīshāpūrī (FitzGerald translation)

Things never go back, only forward.

I am not advising you to kill your friendships - that is a decision you only can take. But, like everyone's been saying, *don't* be a doormat, and in support of that you must be *prepared* to stand firm and to lose it all - if you are not prepared to gamble then your love will be... not everything...

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
-- Kahlil Gibran

And if someone tries to force you by saying that they will not be friends with *you* - well, in that case, they obviously don't hold you as being of great value either...

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like morondog's post
16-08-2014, 01:33 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
(15-08-2014 06:01 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  What do I do?

I think you just need to make it perfectly clear to him you won't have him dictating who your friends are. It simply isn't any of his business, and my hunch is he'll back off if you put your foot down firmly.

I can remember once I had a new boyfriend - he and my best friend put each other's hackles up the instant they met. My best friend felt jealous that he was seeing less of me, and my new boyfriend felt possessive and resented that someone else should stake a claim on me.

They both tried to guilt trip me into taking sides and I essentially told them both that their disagreement was nothing to do with me and that I wasn't interested in hearing any more about it as it was not my problem.

I think they both felt rather hurt by my "tough love" response, but actually my firm action probably supported both of them to just drop it! The acrimony did not last long once they both realised there was nothing to be gained by it.

Phil
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 5 users Like phil.a's post
16-08-2014, 03:09 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
A quick note - real friends don't put you through shit like that.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 6 users Like Anjele's post
16-08-2014, 03:15 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
(16-08-2014 12:52 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  
(16-08-2014 08:07 AM)MrsFarrow Wrote:  Would you hide the friendship from him if he weren't emotionally unstable?

No, because I can imagine if he were more naturally emotionally stable, he would have an easier time understanding and coping with his life after the break up. It's been almost half a year since the two of them broke up, and it seems like he only becomes more and more hostile about it.

Well, that right there should throw up a flag; Jack is not thinking about his own situation with a rational mind.

Involvement in someone else's irrational, mental gymnastics can be exhausting, confusing, and sometimes dangerous. One can be sympathetic and compassionate while remaining emotionally secure and rational ... all from a distance and all on one's own terms.

Get into your rational mind and assess the situation in a practical manner.

Jack's shit is too deep for you to have to constantly wade through. He's going to have to trudge through his shit on his own... and frankly, he sounds as if his path has already worn a rut the size of the Grand Canyon! Dodgy

Time for some distance between you and Jack. Yes, it is sad he had to tarnish and cheapen your friendship by using it. If he wonders what's up and inquires, you could advise him (or not) that he's becoming quite the junior manipulator. Even though his behavior obviously does wreak emotional havoc, his behavior is entirely up to him.

To be blunt: he doesn't give a single shit about you or your friendship. He may say he cares about you... he may even think he cares about you. But he actually only gives a shit about what you can get him. To him, your "friendship" is only about him and what he wants.

Think about that in the context of the former relationship between Jill and Jack. Might it be possible that his controlling behavior contributed to her "stepping out"? I don't know these people so.... just a thought.

Blunt again: He controls you because you let him.
Quote: ... not speaking to me for several days, and for me to get him to speak to me again, I had to promise him
This can set up a behavior pattern in you which can cause deep misery.

If all you can muster is to fade away without explanation, do it.
If you need an explanation or an excuse, blame it on college.

Start taking back control of your life and start it on facebook - time to "unfriend" Jack. Drinking Beverage

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like kim's post
16-08-2014, 04:41 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
Never mind that what he's doing sounds disturbingly possessive.

If he were a significant other, some would say his behavior is abusive.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 6 users Like MrsFarrow's post
22-08-2014, 02:19 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
I'm garnering that you need these people in your life, not that they need you. Telling white lies means you don't have the moral turpitude to break off the relationships.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-08-2014, 02:30 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
(22-08-2014 02:19 PM)Takelababy Wrote:  I'm garnering that you need these people in your life, not that they need you. Telling white lies means you don't have the moral turpitude to break off the relationships.

Pretty much.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-08-2014, 02:39 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
(22-08-2014 02:30 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  
(22-08-2014 02:19 PM)Takelababy Wrote:  I'm garnering that you need these people in your life, not that they need you. Telling white lies means you don't have the moral turpitude to break off the relationships.

Pretty much.

You'll learn to do it - you're smart Wink The main thing to do is to learn to set boundaries for other people, to let them know "thus far, and no further". Once you can do that, you'll be happier, and *they* will also be happier - it's an odd thing, but being independent is a character trait that makes you instantly more desirable. Many people think they have to *please* their friends and lovers (I know I did, for a long time) and it's a hard habit to break, but really you just have to be your own person and people will love you for that.

What the fuck is moral turpitude? It sounds like a cleaning agent with a dose of Bible thrown in.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes morondog's post
22-08-2014, 08:01 PM
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
Going against your norm.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-08-2014, 08:45 PM (This post was last modified: 22-08-2014 08:49 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Irritating friends that act like parents
(15-08-2014 06:01 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  What do I do?

Go to bed and never speak of this again. The fuck's wrong with you? I thought you wanted to be a real boy.

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: