Irritating friends that act like parents

[kim]

To clarify my "Like"...

(23-08-2014 12:41 PM)Sam Wrote:  If I were you, I wouldn't hide your friendship with Jill...

If Jack takes issue, you need to tell him straight that you're not prepared to end a long term friendship because they had a relationship go tits up... Flat refuse to be dragged into the center of their arguments.

Make it clear that what went on between the two of them is their problem and not yours.

^^This ^^ I completely agree with.

(23-08-2014 12:41 PM)Sam Wrote:  It never really works when friends start a relationship... If it ends badly you can never really go back to being just friends.

But ^^this^^ mmm ... no.

I've had friends who've become lovers and when it didn't work out, we became friends again. Not "friends" right away, things took some time but not decades, either.

The important thing is always right now and where and how one fits into it.

[Dom]

Jack sucks. Friends don't give ultimatums to friends. What does he think you are, incapable of choosing who you want to talk to?

[Deidre32]

(15-08-2014 06:01 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  I have found myself in a very annoying situation with two friends that I don't really know how to handle. I've acknowledge that I'm basically, slowly fucking myself over in a giant web of white lies I've created to keep one of these two people from feeling hurt and betrayed.

For my explanation, I will give these people fictional names, and a little background on my history with both of them.

Jill: Jill and I have been best friends for several years, going back to the beginning on high school. Jill is like that little annoying sister you love, but sometimes she does ridiculous shit and you just need a break from her, but at the end of the day, you still love her. Jill and I have had multiple fallouts, but as I am very attached to Jill because we've been such close friends for so long, and that I am a very forgiving person, I try to see the goodness in people rather than hold grudges.

Jack: Jack and I have been friends for a few years. We met a few years after I became best friends with Jill. Jack is a nice guy, but often times emotionally unstable. He was discharged from the Marines due to medical problems. He is one of my closest friends and one of the most important people to me, but sometimes his humor towards me is actually very hostile, rude, and he can be very mean to me without realizing it sometimes.

Jill and Jack have had a relationship. Towards the latter moments of their relationship, Jack left for the Marines and Jill was unfaithful. This caused a lot of emotionally unstable issues for Jack.

My problem is that, although I completely disapprove of Jill's actions in her relationship with Jack, I reflect back to what I said earlier about how she's like a little annoying sister that does dumb shit, but at the end of the day I still care about her and allow her into my life because I feel like I should. However, I can't have a public friendship with Jill anymore, and by that I mean I have to hide my life (when with her) from all social media and conversations with my friends. Sometimes that gets a little annoying. I've already dealt with hiding a boyfriend from my mom (luckily I don't have to do that anymore because I moved on in life.) But hiding a friendship, or this friendship specifically, is a little harder.

I would like to share my life and adventures on social media. I'm young, so mass amounts of pictures and videos are sometimes a necessity for me, as I feel I must be "that guy" (lmao) and document everything. The reason I can't do so is because any time Jack sees so much as a comment or picture on social media, notices her name pop up on my phone, or hears I was with her from one of our other mutual friends, he instantly turns into a father, rather than a friend. Jack is still emotionally unstable from their breakup, and holds an enormous grudge. I don't blame him for holding the grudge and still feeling bitter towards her. What she did was wrong, and I have felt an amount of heartbreak before as well. But that gives him no right to try and control my life and feed me ultimatums left and right. I shouldn't have to hide things for fear of losing someone. He lectures me about continuing the friendship, he has fits of depression and anger. and he'll become randomly infuriated with me and blow up my phone with messages and lectures insulting me. He even went so far as not speaking to me for several days, and for me to get him to speak to me again, I had to promise him I wouldn't be her friend again.

That is a promise I can't keep.

He is a very important friend to me and I don't know what to do besides keep lying my ass off about everything. I know I can't do that for long though because I already feel it weighing down on me. I feel like he knows about some of the lies, he's just reluctant to confront me or do anything about them because he wants to believe me. But it really fucking sucks. I don't want to lose a friend or choose between the two, because they've both been there for me for a very long time. I just want to be able to live my life freely without being harassed because I'm friends with someone the other person opposes.

What do I do?

Personally, I wouldn't want a friend who cheated on my other good friend. But that's me.

[GirlyMan]

Friends are overrated.

[Anjele]

The ability to forgive is great and so is loyalty. It becomes a problem when these "friends" think they can treat you badly because you are forgiving and loyal.

Friendships can change over time. Perhaps it's time to think about the importance of these friends. You can keep good memories with you always but don't have to stay so close to them that they are able to hurt you.

It kind of sounds like nostalgia is holding you to these people.

Hopefully you will meet new people at college and can lessen the amount of time and effort you put into the old friends that haven't done their part to keep you in their lives.

You deserve better - but you have to be willing to set some boundaries.

[Deidre32]

(23-08-2014 04:48 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  Friends are overrated.

Lol you might be right.

The term friend has gotten watered down with the advent of face book etc..

I've learned the very hard way that e-friendships are not quite the real thing. Live n learn. :-)

To the original topic, real friendships are complicated sometimes, but if a friend lies to someone they are committed to in a relationship, they won't think twice of lying to me. That's how I view it.

I might get rid of both Jack and Jill though, as they don't seem to be acting like true friends anyway. That's not holding a grudge, that is having standards as to how we should wish to be treated by "friends."

[Deidre32]

(23-08-2014 04:58 PM)Anjele Wrote:  The ability to forgive is great and so is loyalty. It becomes a problem when these "friends" think they can treat you badly because you are forgiving and loyal.

Friendships can change over time. Perhaps it's time to think about the importance of these friends. You can keep good memories with you always but don't have to so close to them that they are able to hurt you.

It kind of sounds like nostalgia is holding you to these people.

Hopefully you will meet new people at college and can lessen the amount of time and effort you put into the old friends that haven't done their part to keep you in their lives.

You deserve better - but you have to be willing to set some boundaries.

This.

[Sam]

(23-08-2014 02:52 PM)kim Wrote:  To clarify my "Like"...

(23-08-2014 12:41 PM)Sam Wrote:  If I were you, I wouldn't hide your friendship with Jill...

If Jack takes issue, you need to tell him straight that you're not prepared to end a long term friendship because they had a relationship go tits up... Flat refuse to be dragged into the center of their arguments.

Make it clear that what went on between the two of them is their problem and not yours.

^^This ^^ I completely agree with.

(23-08-2014 12:41 PM)Sam Wrote:  It never really works when friends start a relationship... If it ends badly you can never really go back to being just friends.

But ^^this^^ mmm ... no.

I've had friends who've become lovers and when it didn't work out, we became friends again. Not "friends" right away, things took some time but not decades, either.

The important thing is always right now and where and how one fits into it.

In my experience it's never worked out.

But then I do have a habit of burning every bridge.

[Anjele]

I keep thinking about this for some reason...this topic.

In junior high and high school I had two very, very close female friends. It kind of worked out well as I went to school with one though she lived in another town and I lived in the same town with the other but she went to school in a different town. That meant that school activities and geography helped to keep me from having to choose one over the other though they wouldn't have expected me to make a choice.

We met at about the same time - around 13 - that's 44 years ago.

One I still consider my best friend though we don't see each other but about every five years. Our friendship is still so easy.

The other became a bit hard to deal with back in our twenties. I kept in touch regardless - kind of the same nostalgia thing. There was never any bad stuff, then we just grew apart - far, far apart. I hadn't talked to her a long time but she contacted me about 4 years ago. It was good to hear her voice and hear about her life and her family. But we are still really far apart in a lot of ways. I hold no ill-will and will always remember the good stuff. But that bond is over and has been over for a long time. She is part of my past. The other friend is part of my now and always has been.

By the time you are an old broad like me - you will be able to look back and see how the same kinds of things happened in your life. The mistake would be to keep the people in your life that make you stress.