Is it me?
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20-02-2015, 08:34 AM
Is it me?
So my wife and I were talking last night about something unrelated and she mentioned that none of her church friends ask her out for dinner or coffee, etc. She is a really great person and fun to be around and I am not just saying that because she is my wife. Anyhow, she is very hurt that people that she thinks are her friends are almost avoiding her. These are people that we have had dinner with before, she sees at gatherings, shoot, I even play softball with some of their husbands. She is the type of person who needs a community and needs that validation as part of her self-worth. Essentially, there is a group of people that she sees on a regular basis and they get together but they don't ask her. No this isn't a once or twice thing here. From the cases she has told me, I have to agree with her in her suspicions that they are excluding her. She is really not sure why and it bugs her badly. This is not the fist time that this has happened where a group of ladies seem to exclude her. She is not an abrasive person, nor a person who says inappropriate things, she is wonderful.

Deep down though, I think I know the reason: me. Somehow, I feel that they are avoiding her due to her relationship with a person who is not only a non-believer, but an atheist at that. I have this sneaking suspicion that they are going off of 2 Cor. 6 as their justification. I have no way of proving this of course and I haven't mentioned it to her or anything. I have no idea whether it is even right but I still can't shake the thought that I am social kryptonite to her. I know that she would staunchly deny that is the case but I really can't see any other reason why these people seem to exclude her. If it were me I would just say to hell with them but that is really not an option for her I think. I really want to help her but I am not sure how. Chugging the kool aid is not an option. Has anyone had experience with this?

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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20-02-2015, 09:37 AM
RE: Is it me?
(20-02-2015 08:34 AM)The Organic Chemist Wrote:  ...
[1] she is wonderful.
...
[2] I really want to help her but I am not sure how.
...
[3] Has anyone had experience with this?

In reverse order...

[3] Yup. My ex experienced shunning. Nothing to do with religion. Some village ladies might have been jealous of her striking beauty or perhaps they were made uncomfortable by her socially awkwardness or more likely, they didn't like the way their husbands fawned over her.

[2] You can help her with a test:
Ask these 'friends' to a dinner party / booze up. See who comes.

[1] Some non-wonderful people feel threatened by wonderful.

Maybe.

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20-02-2015, 10:53 AM
RE: Is it me?
(20-02-2015 08:34 AM)The Organic Chemist Wrote:  So my wife and I were talking last night about something unrelated and she mentioned that none of her church friends ask her out for dinner or coffee, etc. She is a really great person and fun to be around and I am not just saying that because she is my wife. Anyhow, she is very hurt that people that she thinks are her friends are almost avoiding her. These are people that we have had dinner with before, she sees at gatherings, shoot, I even play softball with some of their husbands. She is the type of person who needs a community and needs that validation as part of her self-worth. Essentially, there is a group of people that she sees on a regular basis and they get together but they don't ask her. No this isn't a once or twice thing here. From the cases she has told me, I have to agree with her in her suspicions that they are excluding her. She is really not sure why and it bugs her badly. This is not the fist time that this has happened where a group of ladies seem to exclude her. She is not an abrasive person, nor a person who says inappropriate things, she is wonderful.

Deep down though, I think I know the reason: me. Somehow, I feel that they are avoiding her due to her relationship with a person who is not only a non-believer, but an atheist at that. I have this sneaking suspicion that they are going off of 2 Cor. 6 as their justification. I have no way of proving this of course and I haven't mentioned it to her or anything. I have no idea whether it is even right but I still can't shake the thought that I am social kryptonite to her. I know that she would staunchly deny that is the case but I really can't see any other reason why these people seem to exclude her. If it were me I would just say to hell with them but that is really not an option for her I think. I really want to help her but I am not sure how. Chugging the kool aid is not an option. Has anyone had experience with this?

I have a hard time imagining that the reason for this is your unbelief, putting your wife in this predicament. Your wife clearly doesn't draw this assumption. The only reason I'm skeptical is because I hear these stories all the time. Social groups are an odd beast, particularly if the groups have already been established prior to her own membership. My wife has a seemingly tight-knit group of friends, and when they meet up they tend to do so at the exclusion of other friends that they all might have in their peripherals. This is not because they see anything particularly wrong with these other girls. It's just that certain groups have their own pre-established comfortabilities and rhythms, that often gets disturbed by others attempting to join that group. I thing the slang term for this is "cliquey".
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20-02-2015, 11:02 AM
RE: Is it me?
I seriously doubt it's you unless it's a fundie church she attends.

Unfortunately many women get off on excluding others, especially ones that make them analyze their own insecurities. Probably more like the pack leader is a bitch and has some bone to pick with your wife, some perceived slight whether warranted or not. Women can be nasty.

Pretty much the only women I've befriended have a strong sense of self and confidence (the past two years pretty much destroyed my self confidence, but that's beside the point). I've always had more luck being friends with men - and I had to "give up" most of them due to social propriety as a married woman.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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20-02-2015, 11:03 AM
RE: Is it me?
(20-02-2015 10:53 AM)Tomasia Wrote:  I have a hard time imagining that the reason for this is your unbelief, putting your wife in this predicament. Your wife clearly doesn't draw this assumption. The only reason I'm skeptical is because I hear these stories all the time. Social groups are an odd beast, particularly if the groups have already been established prior to her own membership. My wife has a seemingly tight-knit group of friends, and when they meet up they tend to do so at the exclusion of other friends that they all might have in their peripherals. This is not because they see anything particularly wrong with these other girls. It's just that certain groups have their own pre-established comfortabilities and rhythms, that often gets disturbed by others attempting to join that group. I thing the slang term for this is "cliquey".

I hope that it is the case although I am not so sure. While I doubt that anyone would actually say it to her, it really does not make much sense otherwise. I get the cliquey thing but I think that she has been "around" longer than some of them. I could be wrong about that and I sincerely hope that I am. You may have a hard time imagining that someone would shun people because of their spouse, but I can't imagine that no one on here has not encountered it. It just pains me to see her like that and I have no answers other than the bad one.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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20-02-2015, 11:03 AM
RE: Is it me?
Yup... She's contaminated by your smell -- of fire and brimstone....

don'tcha know??

Big Grin

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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20-02-2015, 12:13 PM
RE: Is it me?
I can think of two friendships that fizzled out because of the spouse. In those instances the guys were real jerks, not just typical personality clash, but more along the lines of assholes, and I just couldnt listen to complaints about them, or jump hoops because of them, or bite my tongue about them anymore. for example: one couple renting his parents house, he spends all day online gaming, no job, buying most expensive shit at the store, barely enough money to feed the kids or put gas in the car. he isnt working because its not more than minimum wage, or its labor, or some other lame excuse. so they start getting nasty grams from the HOA about the grass being 3 ft tall in the yard, he won't cut it. their front yard is a steep hillside. eventually my girlfriend does it, she was 8 months pregnant in the 95 degree july sun with about 90% humidity. he played video games all day.

i couldnt be friends with her because i wanted to kill him.


I doubt you are that kind of guy. I doubt your atheism is the reason unless you are always challenging and trying to debate people and essentially convince them they are wrong.

Suggest your wife to invite them?

it could also be they share a secret that they don't want others to know about. I knew a group of moms that smoked pot. they were hesitant to bring others into their group because - here its illegal, they are trying to put on " I'm a good mom" face, and they arent sure who will judge, who will tell, and if we let x in the group, she is good friends with y, and y just won't mesh.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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20-02-2015, 12:24 PM
RE: Is it me?
I'm leaning toward it being something petty like DLJ mentioned.
Tight knit groups can get very clique-ish (think high school), especially church groups.
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20-02-2015, 12:44 PM
RE: Is it me?
Fuck those damned christian wives and all their pettyness. Who needs them? Oh, sorry, I forgot your wife is a christian. On a serious note though, I would try to have some of these people over a few times socially and if they still act like that, it seems she needs a new group of friends/acquaintances. You could still help her out by having people over from your work to try to get her another set of friends.
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