Is it so much to ask...
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12-08-2013, 08:51 PM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
(12-08-2013 12:38 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  
(11-08-2013 08:47 AM)NoSkyDaddy Wrote:  I agree with Dom. I think it's mommy/authority issues. Don't take it personally.
However, he doesn't have sex with his mommy (hopefully). Your desires are not unjustified. Parallel it with your willingness to engage in which ever positions, outfits (orifices?) he desires, and let him know this is what you desire.

Thanks. I admit I hadn't really thought of it Dom's way - that it really isn't about me, it's something that came of his childhood. I'm going to try and figure out what might have caused it, without being too nosy.

And I'll have to put on my thinking cap and get creative with the variation stuff. I just feel so stumped sometimes as to what he wants or would like. When we were first dating, I always initiated. We joke around even now that I took advantage of him, lol.

Anyway, there are times now where it seems like he gets annoyed because I'm always after him for it. He says that a lot of times I just don't give him a chance to build up a desire for it.

As far as variety, it feels like for the most part, I've been the one to desire variety, not him. Unless he is just too nervous to tell me what he wants? I've mentioned lots of stuff in the past - toys, roleplay, etc. but he insists that he's happy with the status quo - it's just that he doesn't want it quite as often as I do. He did, a while back, go along with some new things that I wanted us to try out and said he enjoyed them, too, but even that didn't open him up to telling me new things that he'd like to do.

What can you do? :shrug:

thor seriously needs to create more women like you

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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12-08-2013, 08:57 PM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
@PTP
i fap multiple times a day. I am a god!

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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12-08-2013, 09:36 PM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
(12-08-2013 08:57 PM)Lightvader Wrote:  @PTP
i fap multiple times a day. I am a god!

Fapping is not quite as strenuous as actively slamming a chick. Kind of like playing a boxing game is not as hard as actually boxing.

"Your mind is twice a valuable as your body. And your ears are twice as valuable as your mouth. People will pay you based on which you use." - A very smart old lawyer
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12-08-2013, 10:04 PM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
(12-08-2013 09:36 PM)PatThePoltergeist Wrote:  
(12-08-2013 08:57 PM)Lightvader Wrote:  @PTP
i fap multiple times a day. I am a god!

Fapping is not quite as strenuous as actively slamming a chick. Kind of like playing a boxing game is not as hard as actually boxing.

you realize i was just joking,right?
Drinking Beverage

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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13-08-2013, 07:23 AM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
Lightvader, you crack me up. Laughat

Pat, thanks for sharing. I guess I didn't realize just how much energy it took. I bought into stereotypes hard when I was growing up and am still learning to debunk them a little at a time.

Chas, I've made mention of it before, but earlier this year, I was all for a split - I told him I was out and felt truly and completely done with the relationship. He started trying harder, and for a while, I felt trapped. Like, because he was finally coming around, I was obligated to stick around and see if things really were for the better. Needless to say, feeling trapped is not a good feeling at all. So I allowed myself to feel shitty towards him and our marriage while he was trying harder and that helped a lot. Once I stopped fighting those feelings (or rather, lack of them) I could sit back objectively and figure out whether I really wanted to be out on my own and in the dating scene.

It's strange because, on the one hand, even now that my feelings toward him have warmed, I still have that craving for freedom gnawing at the back of my mind. He and I married young (I was 18) and I have never been with another man (sexually) so there's lots of curiosity on my part and feelings that I missed out on my time to play around and just have fun and truly have no one to answer to but me. But I also feel like I'm too sensitive for it.

I hear male acquaintances talk about the latest notch in their belt and, especially if these are men that I myself would be interested in sexually, all I can think is that they'd talk that way about me to their friends. And that hurts. I'd have no problem (I don't think) with playing the field, but to think that once each of my little flings was over that I'd be nothing more to the man than "a piece"? Yeah, it'd hurt. It shouldn't matter, because once the fling was over, why should I care? But I think it would matter to me.

Oh, and last night was a success. Evil_monster

If I get some again tonight, I'll have to rethink this atheism thing, lol.

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13-08-2013, 09:05 AM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
(13-08-2013 07:23 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Lightvader, you crack me up. Laughat

Pat, thanks for sharing. I guess I didn't realize just how much energy it took. I bought into stereotypes hard when I was growing up and am still learning to debunk them a little at a time.

Chas, I've made mention of it before, but earlier this year, I was all for a split - I told him I was out and felt truly and completely done with the relationship. He started trying harder, and for a while, I felt trapped. Like, because he was finally coming around, I was obligated to stick around and see if things really were for the better. Needless to say, feeling trapped is not a good feeling at all. So I allowed myself to feel shitty towards him and our marriage while he was trying harder and that helped a lot. Once I stopped fighting those feelings (or rather, lack of them) I could sit back objectively and figure out whether I really wanted to be out on my own and in the dating scene.

It's strange because, on the one hand, even now that my feelings toward him have warmed, I still have that craving for freedom gnawing at the back of my mind. He and I married young (I was 18) and I have never been with another man (sexually) so there's lots of curiosity on my part and feelings that I missed out on my time to play around and just have fun and truly have no one to answer to but me. But I also feel like I'm too sensitive for it.

I hear male acquaintances talk about the latest notch in their belt and, especially if these are men that I myself would be interested in sexually, all I can think is that they'd talk that way about me to their friends. And that hurts. I'd have no problem (I don't think) with playing the field, but to think that once each of my little flings was over that I'd be nothing more to the man than "a piece"? Yeah, it'd hurt. It shouldn't matter, because once the fling was over, why should I care? But I think it would matter to me.

Oh, and last night was a success. Evil_monster

If I get some again tonight, I'll have to rethink this atheism thing, lol.

How long have you been married? Is it the 3 year disillusion? The seven year itch? (The number of years varies of course, but these things happen in marriage).

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13-08-2013, 09:25 AM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
Dom, we've been married 11 years now. I'm 29. Smile

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13-08-2013, 09:39 AM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
(13-08-2013 09:25 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Dom, we've been married 11 years now. I'm 29. Smile

The years of boredom. And you got married way early.

Is he supportive of whatever you want to do or does he stifle you?

Is he useful or a burden?

At 29 you are young enough to make a new start with ease. But - don't think you won't go through all the stages of marriage with a new guy all over again...

But it's a good time in your life to re-evaluate the course you have embarked on. Don't just look at the marriage though - it's easy to single something out erroneously and it could be another part of your life that is causing the dissatisfaction.

And if it is something else - what would you like to do differently, and will he support that or hinder it?

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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13-08-2013, 10:42 AM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
Dom,

In some areas he is supportive and in others, he is stifling. But I guess it depends on what area of life you're speaking of. My great love in life is writing. It brings me a lot of joy and purpose. So, I write. I hope to be published one day and working toward that goal (and then the next book published, and so on and so forth) keeps life meaningful for me. And he supports my writing. He was the one who pushed me to pursue getting published. But writing does take up a good collective of my time and he resents it from time to time.

As far as stifling goes, he craves time with others quite a bit more than I do. I like having time to myself whereas he hates it. So sometimes I feel a little crowded, my social energy used up. Also, there are the areas where religion comes into play - if I do something or engage in something he thinks is "sinful" it naturally causes problems, has him making a moral judgment, and that of course makes me feel stifled. He is not so great at giving me privacy, either. I think this has gotten better as of late, but he was awful about nosing into my phone, looking at browser history, reading text messages I'd sent, when I am very hands-off about his stuff. The way I see it, we are married, but he is still his own person and there are areas in his life that he surely wants to be "his" and not "ours" but I don't think he values privacy much.

He is useful - an attentive father, good disciplinarian w/ the kids, contributes to our finances, etc. and we are only a few years apart in age so we "get" the same cultural references and jokes, and whenever I do need companionship, he's there.

I feel like he doesn't struggle with boredom like I do. He likes the steady times while I view them as monotonous and excruciating. My writing about various adventures and characters helps me deal, though.

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13-08-2013, 10:53 AM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
Dom,

I meant to say too that that's kind of where I am right now: re-evaluating my life. Ever since I got to that point where I wanted a divorce, I've been at this place where I could honestly take him or leave him. And that feels odd. I felt "desperate" for him for a lot of years. That "I can't live without you" feeling and I don't feel that way anymore. I don't think it's healthy, the I-can't-live-without-you mindset, but the way I feel now seems odd, too. It's like, if I'm not desperate for him, maybe something's wrong?

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