Is it so much to ask...
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14-08-2013, 04:04 PM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
I got to thinking about this last night and wanted to address this - "Ever since I got to that point where I wanted a divorce, I've been at this place where I could honestly take him or leave him." - particular part of my last post.

I in no way mean to say that I feel nothing toward my husband or that he occupies some neutral spot in my heart. I just mean to say that, the time has past in which I would get flutters when he walked in the room or that my heart would ache the moment he was gone. In the past, whenever I thought about us splitting up or him passing on, I would have felt like I could not recover from that. Now I know I could. It would not be the end of my world and somehow that seems wrong, but I think I'm still operating out of childish definitions of love, maybe.

The point is just that I once felt like he was an integral part of me (the whole "other half" thing I suppose) and now I view him as an addition to the woman who is whole all on her own. With or without him, I remain, and I am content enough now with who I am that I don't feel any particular sense of devastation at the thought of losing anyone from my life, not even him.

I would grieve and I would move on. Life goes on. That sounds really cold and cruel the more I look at it and maybe it's wrong or disturbing or unnatural for me to feel that way, but that's where I am now.

Anyway, just thought I should clarify.

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14-08-2013, 05:15 PM (This post was last modified: 14-08-2013 05:22 PM by Dom.)
RE: Is it so much to ask...
For some reason my answer won't show. Sad

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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14-08-2013, 05:16 PM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
dupe post.

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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14-08-2013, 10:53 PM
RE: Is it so much to ask...

you realize i was just joking,right?
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I live in WV. Our beloved WVU has held the title of number one party school in the country. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING surprises me Sadcryface

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14-08-2013, 11:00 PM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
"Ever since I got to that point where I wanted a divorce, I've been at this place where I could honestly take him or leave him."

This seems to be the norm with marriages that last more than a few years. I cant think of a single couple I know that still professes that "newlywed" flame after a while. They still love each other, just not totally engulfed with it. Relationships change over time. A wedding ring does not have much of a hold. Especially if tossing it in the bin is not considered a stoning offense as religion teaches. I think Phil Robertson from duck dynasty said it rather well. "Women are like labradors, they all have quirks. You learn to live with the quirks."

Works both ways.

"Your mind is twice a valuable as your body. And your ears are twice as valuable as your mouth. People will pay you based on which you use." - A very smart old lawyer
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15-08-2013, 07:08 AM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
(14-08-2013 05:15 PM)Dom Wrote:  For some reason my answer won't show. Sad

And I was really looking forward to your point of view... Sadcryface2 The site's been a bit dodgy for the past couple of days, seems like. Maybe that had something to do with it?

(14-08-2013 11:00 PM)PatThePoltergeist Wrote:  "Ever since I got to that point where I wanted a divorce, I've been at this place where I could honestly take him or leave him."

This seems to be the norm with marriages that last more than a few years. I cant think of a single couple I know that still professes that "newlywed" flame after a while. They still love each other, just not totally engulfed with it. Relationships change over time. A wedding ring does not have much of a hold. Especially if tossing it in the bin is not considered a stoning offense as religion teaches. I think Phil Robertson from duck dynasty said it rather well. "Women are like labradors, they all have quirks. You learn to live with the quirks."

Works both ways.

Yeah, I knew that the lovey-dovey stuff faded after a while but I guess I still worry that I'm a little too nonchalant about all of it. Still, earlier this year I was of a mind to leave him so I'm probably still on the mend from that.

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15-08-2013, 07:56 AM
RE: Is it so much to ask...
Escape Artist,

I have to say I am recently coming out of exactly what you are talking about. I'm 39, was married at 19, and divorced two years ago and have never been happier. I'm not saying that's what you *should* do, but I know for myself that getting married at 19 was the problem. Why did I get married so young? Because I was programmed to believe sex was wrong until I was married.

He and I even de-converted at the same time, but I realized that I had married him for all of the wrong reasons. I was horribly unhappy, angry all the time because of his "quirks", (one of which involved not working) and was suicidally depressed. We worked on it, went to counseling, etc...even tried open relationship since neither of us had been with anyone else (which is a whole separate experience that I could say a lot about and won't now.) That whole time of questioning was excruciating. Now we're divorced, both remarried, and I am a much nicer person to be around.

I think my point though, is that re-evaluation has to happen. Figuring out how to address issues with compromise has to happen. Willingness from both parties to take a strong look inwardly has to happen. Ultimately, I did it for myself. However, I also saw that I wasn't doing him any favors either. It's all very painful.

I really like the iphone ap "The questions", written by a psychologist, that is simply several questions to ask yourself about a relationship (any relationship really) and why they are important. I used this ap a lot during that time, and also when I started to date again. BTW, we were married 16 years.

And...it's not too much to ask to have him shower.
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