Is it weird that I've never mourned a death?
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13-02-2012, 05:22 PM
RE: Is it weird that I've never mourned a death?
(13-02-2012 05:19 PM)tazmin98 Wrote:  
(13-02-2012 02:56 PM)germanyt Wrote:  I've had family members die. Friends and others that weren't friends but those that I knew. Athletes, celebs, etc. I've never once felt sad about someone dying. I have a very strong sense of empathy and compassion for the living but death just doesn't bother me. Even pets I've had that died didn't even make me frown.

In addition, I've also noticed that I don't seem to create the friendships that others seem to have. I have a lot of friends but none that I would call a best friend. Perhaps being thrown out of my house as a child so much and attending 9 schools in 12 years, then being in the Navy where people come and go like customers in a gas station has affected me psychologically. Aside from my wife and child, will I ever be able to have the kind of relationship with someone that just crushes me when they die? And if so, would that necessarily be a good thing?

I'm not alone!
My really close aunt died long ago. I didn't cry or feel even remotely sad about it. I was just quiet and shrugged my shoulder while my mother and and my other aunt cried.
Micheal Jackson died. Nothing.
Whitney Houston died. Nothing.
I mean no fucking sympathy! I was starting to think I am not human!
I am reserved though I can be a loudmouth around my friends.
It takes me 1 or 2 weeks to finally talk to someone. As you can see I am very socially awkward.

I wonder what causes us to be different. I'm a gentleman but certainly not reserved. And I'm very socially apt. But something about us just doesn't click when someone dies. It's like a broken light switch or something.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.”

-Mark Twain
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13-02-2012, 05:50 PM
RE: Is it weird that I've never mourned a death?
(13-02-2012 02:56 PM)germanyt Wrote:  I've had family members die. Friends and others that weren't friends but those that I knew. Athletes, celebs, etc. I've never once felt sad about someone dying. I have a very strong sense of empathy and compassion for the living but death just doesn't bother me. Even pets I've had that died didn't even make me frown.

In addition, I've also noticed that I don't seem to create the friendships that others seem to have. I have a lot of friends but none that I would call a best friend. Perhaps being thrown out of my house as a child so much and attending 9 schools in 12 years, then being in the Navy where people come and go like customers in a gas station has affected me psychologically. Aside from my wife and child, will I ever be able to have the kind of relationship with someone that just crushes me when they die? And if so, would that necessarily be a good thing?
You might be quite right there. My way of (not) maintaining relationships is similar and and I haven't yet mourned a death.
Nobody important to me yet died, only the usual share of grandparents and great-grandparents.
But you know what? Death is sure. Death is clean. We all get to die someday, it's part of the living. We can see it coming, it's not a big deal. For example, I'm a firm believer in reincarnation, thanks to my share of strange and very detailed observations and regression therapy sessions I went through. That makes death kind of lose edge on the scythe.
Lack of response to death might be sort of a healthy thing after all. I'd be more worried about my lack of social emotions in general.

The life is the problem. I have felt a good portion of top-quality grief but it was not a death of a person, it was death of illusions about that person. Assassination of character may hurt more than death itself.

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13-02-2012, 06:00 PM
RE: Is it weird that I've never mourned a death?
(13-02-2012 05:22 PM)germanyt Wrote:  
(13-02-2012 05:19 PM)tazmin98 Wrote:  
(13-02-2012 02:56 PM)germanyt Wrote:  I've had family members die. Friends and others that weren't friends but those that I knew. Athletes, celebs, etc. I've never once felt sad about someone dying. I have a very strong sense of empathy and compassion for the living but death just doesn't bother me. Even pets I've had that died didn't even make me frown.

In addition, I've also noticed that I don't seem to create the friendships that others seem to have. I have a lot of friends but none that I would call a best friend. Perhaps being thrown out of my house as a child so much and attending 9 schools in 12 years, then being in the Navy where people come and go like customers in a gas station has affected me psychologically. Aside from my wife and child, will I ever be able to have the kind of relationship with someone that just crushes me when they die? And if so, would that necessarily be a good thing?

I'm not alone!
My really close aunt died long ago. I didn't cry or feel even remotely sad about it. I was just quiet and shrugged my shoulder while my mother and and my other aunt cried.
Micheal Jackson died. Nothing.
Whitney Houston died. Nothing.
I mean no fucking sympathy! I was starting to think I am not human!
I am reserved though I can be a loudmouth around my friends.
It takes me 1 or 2 weeks to finally talk to someone. As you can see I am very socially awkward.

I wonder what causes us to be different. I'm a gentleman but certainly not reserved. And I'm very socially apt. But something about us just doesn't click when someone dies. It's like a broken light switch or something.
My friend's gran who was like her mum(her really mother is in a mental hospital) died and she didn't even cry. My mum said it was probably shock. I guess people handle it differently. Like when someone has been horrible murdered or raped, I can't feel sympathy. Maybe it's because I am not actually there. I accept death and even sometimes want to embrace it but I get scared on how I am going to die.
I do get conflicts in my mind whether to go my friend's house who invited me.(I know, it pathetic. But I rarely go out. Ever.) I am very aware on how I judge people and see how they are. Every I am aware and this little bitter voice at the back of my head is always criticizing and judging.
I can't stop it!

[Image: boston-terrier-gets-scared.gif]
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13-02-2012, 06:28 PM
RE: Is it weird that I've never mourned a death?
I used to think I was a sociopath because I lacked emotion of any kind.i had made a robot out of myself. my story was similar in someways to your own Germany. Only my dad died when I was six. My mon wasn't very goo at being a mom and I was either kicked out or ran away more times than I can count. People came and went and no matter how close they may have thought me to them I thought nothing of our relationships. It was just a matter of convenience or inconvenience.
People would die and I would attend their funerals with an iron face intil I learned to fake emotion. I would just watch people crying and wonder how they did it so effortlessly.
I thought there was something wrong with me and that I wasn't capable of love, until I met my lady and we had my daughter.
through about five years of in depth thought and some study ive found that people who had unstable childhoods develop this way to guard themselves from any negative emotions.
It usually doesn't mean that we can't have them only that it is harder for us to acknowledge them. We become so comfortable with turnin them off we have a hard time even noticing them anymore.
This can become sociopathy but it doesn't usually.

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments." -Jim Morrison
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13-02-2012, 08:24 PM
RE: Is it weird that I've never mourned a death?
OK fair warning here, I'm going to be an armchair psychologist. Take it for what it's worth. Your situation is very similar to mine. Your results may vary. Not valid in West Virginia. For erections lasting 4 or more hours, call your girlfriend.

(13-02-2012 05:07 PM)germanyt Wrote:  Normal stuff I guess.

No. That's a horrific amount of crap to happen to a kid at that age. It seems normal to you because it was your normal, but it is not the real normal. Most of our emotional development is formed by around age 7. During the key years when a normal developmental child would be bonding with parents and learning to develop trust in relationships, how to express your emotions and to see yourself as loveable, the upheaval in your family was teaching you that relationships, emotions and trust were dangerous. A developing child is completely at the mercy of its parents. With the situation you describe you would have experienced severe rejection many times over, and left on its own a child will cutoff from emotions because it is so painful and there is no other way to deal with it. At just the time when you most needed emotional support and guidance from your parents, they were probably at their most distracted, dealing with their own stuff, and caught up in forming new relationships. You coped the best you could, but that meant stuffing down the emotional stuff so that it wouldn't hurt.

That's why you don't feel more when people around you die. It's not that you don't have the feelings, but you've got them pushed way down deep where you're safe from them. It's something you'll want to work on so that you can help your own child develop in a healthy way.
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13-02-2012, 08:48 PM
RE: Is it weird that I've never mourned a death?
(13-02-2012 08:24 PM)Jeff Wrote:  OK fair warning here, I'm going to be an armchair psychologist. Take it for what it's worth. Your situation is very similar to mine. Your results may vary. Not valid in West Virginia. For erections lasting 4 or more hours, call your girlfriend.

(13-02-2012 05:07 PM)germanyt Wrote:  Normal stuff I guess.

No. That's a horrific amount of crap to happen to a kid at that age. It seems normal to you because it was your normal, but it is not the real normal. Most of our emotional development is formed by around age 7. During the key years when a normal developmental child would be bonding with parents and learning to develop trust in relationships, how to express your emotions and to see yourself as loveable, the upheaval in your family was teaching you that relationships, emotions and trust were dangerous. A developing child is completely at the mercy of its parents. With the situation you describe you would have experienced severe rejection many times over, and left on its own a child will cutoff from emotions because it is so painful and there is no other way to deal with it. At just the time when you most needed emotional support and guidance from your parents, they were probably at their most distracted, dealing with their own stuff, and caught up in forming new relationships. You coped the best you could, but that meant stuffing down the emotional stuff so that it wouldn't hurt.

That's why you don't feel more when people around you die. It's not that you don't have the feelings, but you've got them pushed way down deep where you're safe from them. It's something you'll want to work on so that you can help your own child develop in a healthy way.

Pehaps. I guess I always thought I was too intelligent and aware of my thought processes to allow experiences to affect me psychologically.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.”

-Mark Twain
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13-02-2012, 11:33 PM
RE: Is it weird that I've never mourned a death?
(13-02-2012 05:19 PM)tazmin98 Wrote:  
(13-02-2012 02:56 PM)germanyt Wrote:  I've had family members die. Friends and others that weren't friends but those that I knew. Athletes, celebs, etc. I've never once felt sad about someone dying. I have a very strong sense of empathy and compassion for the living but death just doesn't bother me. Even pets I've had that died didn't even make me frown.

In addition, I've also noticed that I don't seem to create the friendships that others seem to have. I have a lot of friends but none that I would call a best friend. Perhaps being thrown out of my house as a child so much and attending 9 schools in 12 years, then being in the Navy where people come and go like customers in a gas station has affected me psychologically. Aside from my wife and child, will I ever be able to have the kind of relationship with someone that just crushes me when they die? And if so, would that necessarily be a good thing?

I'm not alone!Big Grin
My really close aunt died long ago. I didn't cry or feel even remotely sad about it. I was just quiet and shrugged my shoulder while my mother and and my other aunt cried.
Micheal Jackson died. Nothing.
Whitney Houston died. Nothing.
Like death doesn't scare me anymore.
I mean no fucking sympathy! I was starting to think I am not human!
I am reserved though I can be a loudmouth around my friends.
It takes me 1 or 2 weeks to finally talk to someone. As you can see I am very socially awkward.
I feel numb most days. Like I can't feel what I want to feel. The only things that gets me to feel is music(like Florence+The Machine),books, and movies.
I feel so empty. That's why when I search for fiction books, I always want one to my exceptions. The one that can give a 'high'

Yeah,i hear you.
I however am actually rather outgoing on the other hand.
Talkative,sociable and open with quite virtually anyone i start a conversation with.

The meaning of peace is the absence of opposition to socialism.
-Karl Marx


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14-02-2012, 04:31 AM
RE: Is it weird that I've never mourned a death?
(13-02-2012 08:24 PM)Jeff Wrote:  That's why you don't feel more when people around you die. It's not that you don't have the feelings, but you've got them pushed way down deep where you're safe from them. It's something you'll want to work on so that you can help your own child develop in a healthy way.
Is there any method or therapy on that? When you don't know, when you forget what sort of emotions and relationships are lacking in your repertoire, it's a comfortable life. But realization of the missing gaps is not so pleasant and reviving them is not easy at all.
My guess is it involves other people and can't be done by yourself, that's why it's so diffcult. Or getting a puppy.

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14-02-2012, 04:45 AM
RE: Is it weird that I've never mourned a death?
(14-02-2012 04:31 AM)Luminon Wrote:  Is there any method or therapy on that?

Talk therapy was very effective for me. There may be other methods. I guess it depends on what you feel you want to "fix."
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14-02-2012, 05:16 AM
RE: Is it weird that I've never mourned a death?
What you describe sounds strange and disconnected to me. I've lost a child and a very close best friend, both deaths very unexpected, plus a lot of others, varyingly distant and close; accidents, suicides, disease, an aircrash. Losing my child and later best friend felt so awful and paralyzing for a long time, and definately life altering. I've mourned relationships ending, I've mourned becoming very chronically ill and thereby losing my ability to live life fully.

But when my 93 year old grandfather died, I was just relieved and happy for him. He didn't want to live anymore. I am sad for my grandmother who has lost her life companion, but she manages. I am glad I have the ability to feel sad and to mourn. It's a part of being human in my opinion.

"Never underestimate how narrow-minded, petty and stupid people can be". Mark Fulton, forum member
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