Is this the hill to die on?
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10-10-2015, 08:24 PM
Is this the hill to die on?
Wife's a Christian I'm was too but now I'm an atheist as of earlier this year. We have 2 girls. She believes I shouldn't share my atheist view, or any topic that challenges Christian views such as evolution because it's unfair I've done a 180. She also argues it would be confusing for the kids.

I'm feeling very strongly that I should be able to share my views. Granted in a respectful and age appropriate approach and likely within the context of answering a question or problem my kids might have and where God comes up. I don't necessarily think I have to run in guns blazing but I don't think I should have to be silent either.

Is there any reasonable view that would support that I shouldn't share my view because my kinds are already raised Christian and I'm the one whose changes. I think I have a reasoned view but I'm checking one more time.


I did try asking her to try seeing it from a flipped view. If we were both atheist and she became a Christian would she think it reasonable that she shouldn't share her view. She won't even entertain this question and thinks I'm trying to push her into my view. I think this is telling. I know most Christians would feel obligated to share... Hence the resistance.

In pretty tough waters. I think our marriage hangs on this. I don't think I can bend on this. I think this is a fundamental thing. There must be mutual respect for right of each to have our views if not the view itself.

Ps kids only really have cultural Christian view nothing hard core. No church attendance.
Jay
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10-10-2015, 08:30 PM
RE: Is this the hill to die on?
I just don't get that. Why does she cling so hard to her beliefs and try to make them her kids' beliefs if they're not even at church? There's no reason your kids shouldn't learn evolution. Denying it is insanity. It should be possible to have one atheist parent and one christian, but if she won't let you talk to them about that is for sure an issue. If you are willing to compromise and let your kids choose, she should be too. It is frustrating to even read about a situation like this.

A man should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself. -Ferris Bueller

That's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails, that's what a ship needs but what a ship is... what the Black Pearl really is... is freedom. -Jack Sparrow
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10-10-2015, 09:02 PM (This post was last modified: 11-10-2015 08:36 AM by DLJ.)
RE: Is this the hill to die on?
"Darling, I think we are going to be late to the show"
"No, we're fine, there's plenty of time"
"Well, yes, but, I think we are going in the wrong direction"
"No, we're fine"
...
"Seriously. I think we took the wrong exit off the free/motor/express-way"
"I don't think so"
"Urm, well, if we did, shouldn't we do something about it?
"No, darling, we're fine. Just keep driving".

Huh

If one friend's approach to going somewhere is to buy maps / GPS and do some research and another friend would prefer to just follow other drivers ... how would you resolve the issue between them?

Wink

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10-10-2015, 09:39 PM
RE: Is this the hill to die on?
I seem to remember Seth doing a podcast some time ago featuring this very subject- cases where a couple goes into a relationship sharing the same degree of belief and then one of them experiences a change of belief, and how these couples can carry on.

There is no "I" in "team" but there is a broken and mixed up "me."
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10-10-2015, 10:27 PM
RE: Is this the hill to die on?
So much for family "values" from the jesus freak crowd.

Quote:In pretty tough waters. I think our marriage hangs on this.

If she prefers fantasy to reality then you are already screwed. May as well assert yourself. How old are your kids?

Ask yourself if you are willing to cave to emotional blackmail every time something comes up? If you can answer that for yourself you will know what to do.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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10-10-2015, 10:33 PM
RE: Is this the hill to die on?
(10-10-2015 08:24 PM)jayc Wrote:  Wife's a Christian I'm was too but now I'm an atheist as of earlier this year. We have 2 girls. She believes I shouldn't share my atheist view, or any topic that challenges Christian views such as evolution because it's unfair I've done a 180. She also argues it would be confusing for the kids.

I bet not. My wife is a believer and she takes our three boys to church every Sunday. I don't forbid it but I also said that I won't lie when it comes up which it did several times. My oldest two (8 and 5) both know that I don't buy it and we have talked about it but mostly from the grounds of critical thinking. I try to not let them know exactly why I myself don't believe but I encourage them to listen to what they are told and ask lots of questions and get other's as well as my opinions on it so that they can make up their own minds. If your wife objects, ask her if she would rather them believe with a better picture that there are people who don't buy it out there, or whether she would rather they think that this is the only school of thought in the world.

(10-10-2015 08:24 PM)jayc Wrote:  I'm feeling very strongly that I should be able to share my views. Granted in a respectful and age appropriate approach and likely within the context of answering a question or problem my kids might have and where God comes up. I don't necessarily think I have to run in guns blazing but I don't think I should have to be silent either.

I agree. Just don't shout it from the rooftops, let them come to you and keep that line of communication open.

(10-10-2015 08:24 PM)jayc Wrote:  Is there any reasonable view that would support that I shouldn't share my view because my kinds are already raised Christian and I'm the one whose changes. I think I have a reasoned view but I'm checking one more time.

Share them, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Be who you are. Personally, I don't think you should ever have to apologize or feel bad about who you are.

(10-10-2015 08:24 PM)jayc Wrote:  I did try asking her to try seeing it from a flipped view. If we were both atheist and she became a Christian would she think it reasonable that she shouldn't share her view. She won't even entertain this question and thinks I'm trying to push her into my view. I think this is telling. I know most Christians would feel obligated to share... Hence the resistance.

In pretty tough waters. I think our marriage hangs on this. I don't think I can bend on this. I think this is a fundamental thing. There must be mutual respect for right of each to have our views if not the view itself.

This is likely not possible for her to do this. From my experience, it is next to impossible for a theist to empathize with an atheist. Most can't even comprehend life without belief and therefore have little to no capabilities to see the world as if there is no divine being. If they could do that, they probably wouldn't be theists.

(10-10-2015 08:24 PM)jayc Wrote:  Ps kids only really have cultural Christian view nothing hard core. No church attendance.
Jay

Consider yourself extremely lucky. Best wishes.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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10-10-2015, 10:44 PM
RE: Is this the hill to die on?
Evolution is a science used everyday across the planet in virtually every industry.

This is a fact.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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11-10-2015, 12:22 AM
RE: Is this the hill to die on?
Ask her if she prefers you to teach the kids to lie or to tell the truth? Then ask her how she expects you to do that if she insists that you should lie to them.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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11-10-2015, 04:25 AM
RE: Is this the hill to die on?
Give her a bit of time to get comfortable with the new you. Her world view rests on religion - one doesn't change that from one day to the next, it's a step by step thing. I am quite sure she is wrestling with it now - she has to integrate that you are still the same person but you don't believe.

Time... and you can take special care to teach your kids reason, it doesn't have to evolve around evolution. It doesn't have to touch on religion. Everything happens for a reason - a phrase the religious use all the time. It's true though, and there will be many times when you can insert a real reason for why something happened without stepping on your wife's feet. Whether you talk about religion itself or not, you can raise clear thinking sceptics.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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11-10-2015, 04:41 AM
RE: Is this the hill to die on?
It's a hard decision to make, but I think ultimately you should be able to talk to your kids about your world view. The deal I would suggest in that position is to delay a bit until you've been atheist for a while (maybe a whole calendar year) and your wife can be reassured that nothing about your personality or ethics, etc., has changed.

If she refuses to entertain the idea of you discussing your position, then it would be only fair for her not to discuss Christianity with your kids, either.
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