Is true love only in rom-coms?
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17-02-2013, 10:37 AM
RE: Is true love only in rom-coms?
The problem with movies is they are fiction.

Our feelings and chemistry change with time. Those initial chemical outbursts in the brain subside (Gotta love Phenylethylamine and Dopamine, arent we just silly drug addicts) and the "true love" attachment can begin

Sadly, unlike in movies, that takes work, lots of work. Don't let any long-term couple tell you it just comes naturally cause it doesnt. *lol*

You have to make an effort to go on dates, keep the sex exciting, stay talking and making the other person continue to feel special.

I once heard a quote that said "What we do is we start over everyday, I choose you, and you choose me" I love that because its so very true.

Have you thought about couples counceling?
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17-02-2013, 01:04 PM
RE: Is true love only in rom-coms?
I've been married for 26 years and neither of us has been married before. That would be kinda hard though, since she was 18 and I was 17 when we married. :-)

In any event, it isn't all lavender and creme and no fields of butterflies either. Reality dictates that human beings do grow apart to some degree or another and in my experience, if you only have common interest in superficial things, you don't have a romantic relationship, you have a friend with benefits. Common interests must be fundamental principles in order for a relationship to become (and stay) romantic. I mean things like child rearing techniques as opposed to fishing. Religion/rationality as opposed to walks on the beach. If you have the fundamentals in common, your relationship can withstand things like changes in career, money problems, sickness, et al. If not, the relationship will suffer. Of course, those fundamentals are a necessary but not sufficient ingredient to a happy relationship. You also both have to be able to accept and respect the other's peculiarities and, even admire them.

In the last two and a half decades, my wife and I have changed a lot. We've gained new interests that cause us to differ some and we've gained new interests that have brought us closer together. We now do some things together that we never did before and some things apart that we used to do together.

One thing that hasn't changed though, is that there isn't a day of my life that goes by without me being genuinely thankful that she's with me. And the evidence I have shows me that she feels the same way. We both simply know that there's no one else we want to be with. We knew it 27 years ago and it has never changed. As corny as that may sound, it's the only way I can explain it without a litany of romance novel adjectives.
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17-02-2013, 01:52 PM (This post was last modified: 17-02-2013 03:09 PM by Near.)
RE: Is true love only in rom-coms?
The movie version of love is, for a large part fictionalized. But I can understand a bit about falling for someone on a deeper level, even quite soon after meeting them. It may not be common, and perhaps it shouldn't be common, but it does happen, I have found myself in that very situation.

I view things this way:

If you have a lot of things in common, that means you can enjoy a lot of activities together.

If you have a lot of differing interests, that is also good, because you can enjoy activities separately and have some alone time, it might be easier for some people to get along that way.

Even though I realize that it's all about chemistry, I choose to take a deeper meaning from those feeling that the chemicals give me. Or at least, I don't let the facts of the matter destroy the sensations, I don't scrutinize them like I do other aspects of my life.

I think that you have to live your life every day as Rich Lyons says, 'In such a way that your significant other wants to spend the next day with you.' A relationship isn't always easy. There are good times, and bad times, but hopefully if you work at it, the bad times won't be a big part of the relationship. I think that you know if the connection isn't there.

But I really do believe that if you put in the effort, and work every day to keep that 'spark' alive, that you can do it. It can't be just one person, both (or all I suppose) of the people in the relationship need to want it to work, and care enough to put in the time, and to forgive any shortcomings.


Just my thoughts about it at this point in time. I may have more to say once I think about it some more.

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17-02-2013, 07:21 PM
RE: Is true love only in rom-coms?
Do you want the long or short answer? It doesn't matter I'll give you both:-

Short answer is Yes.

and the long answer is yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!

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17-02-2013, 09:18 PM (This post was last modified: 17-02-2013 09:33 PM by fstratzero.)
RE: Is true love only in rom-coms?
If you are defining true love as in two people being perfect for one another. Then no that by definition can not exist.

If you define true love as two people able to share their lives with one another and able to work out their differences then yes that exists.

If you are talking about the movie versions of boy meets girl, then you'll notice the movie ends when the two people are able to be together.

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26-02-2013, 11:34 AM
RE: Is true love only in rom-coms?
I'm sure people find "true love." I think that it evolves over time. I'm not saying to spend your life and settle with someone in hopes that it MIGHT get better, (sometimes it's just not meant to be.) but I believe there's a 'right time' for everyone to have all the necessary connections and fundamental beliefs alligned and magic happens. (That came out cheesy...)
Some couples find themselves in a situation where they are so compatible in most aspects of their relationship, but lack a common understanding of differences. They are unable to move past that block.

I think it's all in the timing. One can find true happiness, but everything needs to be in order.

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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26-02-2013, 12:34 PM
RE: Is true love only in rom-coms?
Chemistry is what sets off the initial spark, and that is what the love stories are all about. Love comes later, it comes from familiarity, from being loyal companions, from not hampering or judging each other's growth, and from genuinely liking each other.
Most break ups happen because the transition from chemistry to love is not mutual in some fashion. Wrong timing, low tolerance, not really liking the person now that you know them, and a slew of other things are at the root of these break ups. It can come quickly or it can take years for these incompatabilities to become obvious.
Love is not about physical attraction, although nature and the procreation drive has evolved us so we look at chemistry first. That is the reproductive drive, and it does not equal love, although that is what the common perception is.
Love grows over time. There are no shortcuts, there will be disagreements and differences. It's all about how you deal with these disagreements/differences.

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26-02-2013, 02:36 PM
RE: Is true love only in rom-coms?
18 years of marriage, most of it good. That romantic-comedy love-is-perfect kind of feeling wore off after a while and settled into a more routine, stable, deep relationship. The excitement of young love faded, but the love didn't.

I thought that was how things were supposed to work out. My wife didn't. After 18 years, she finally told me that living with me was "killing her" and she wanted a divorce. Our kids chose to stay with me so I guess I'm not all bad. She'd been cheating on me for years. 2 weeks after the divorce she was already living with another guy, experiencing that romantic-comedy feeling again.

I guess that's what she needed.

It's now only two years later and their relationship is falling apart. I guess she's still looking for the romantic comedy relationship, or hasn't figured out that love is supposed to evolve away from that.

Or maybe I'm wrong too.

I guess my point is that different people have different expectations. Love will be what it is, but if you want "happily ever after" then you'd better make sure that you and your lover have the same expectations of what that means and how the relationship can, and should, change over the years.

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26-02-2013, 03:11 PM
RE: Is true love only in rom-coms?
Yep, the chemistry thing can become addictive. It creates a euphoric feeling. All euphoric feelings are addicitve to some.

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26-02-2013, 04:11 PM
RE: Is true love only in rom-coms?
(26-02-2013 02:36 PM)Aseptic Skeptic Wrote:  18 years of marriage, most of it good. That romantic-comedy love-is-perfect kind of feeling wore off after a while and settled into a more routine, stable, deep relationship. The excitement of young love faded, but the love didn't.

I thought that was how things were supposed to work out. My wife didn't. After 18 years, she finally told me that living with me was "killing her" and she wanted a divorce. Our kids chose to stay with me so I guess I'm not all bad. She'd been cheating on me for years. 2 weeks after the divorce she was already living with another guy, experiencing that romantic-comedy feeling again.

I guess that's what she needed.

It's now only two years later and their relationship is falling apart. I guess she's still looking for the romantic comedy relationship, or hasn't figured out that love is supposed to evolve away from that.

Or maybe I'm wrong too.

I guess my point is that different people have different expectations. Love will be what it is, but if you want "happily ever after" then you'd better make sure that you and your lover have the same expectations of what that means and how the relationship can, and should, change over the years.
What he said! Yes

So many people have the notion that love can be like a rom-com which is just a fantasy most of the time.

I've seen very few couples in my lifetime that have that type of connection. Most do not and will never have.

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