Issues with the wife
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08-05-2014, 05:12 PM
Issues with the wife
You know, I’ve been having this issues with my wife lately, it seems like we just cannot connect anymore like we used to. We’ve been married for a year and a half now and so far we always found the way to settle our differences, talking and making commitments to each other, but lately everything is going to hell, it seems like every conversation topic is just a kick starter for a fight where none of us seems to listen to the other.

I guess the thing began when I made a statement about his younger brother who is like a son to her (she keeps calling him “son” as a matter of fact), the guy is 12 and it’s the definition of a spoiled brat in my eyes. After that, she has started to generalize, it seems like she thinks I don’t like her family because of my views of the kid; the thing is that I really like the rest of them, all treat me well and I’ve not had any issue with anyone else. But we just focus on the kid.

I’ve tried to explain to her why I see the kid the way I do but she insist that it’s a kind of vendetta against him. To be honest, I don’t like the kid at all, he manipulates her and lies his way around when it’s catched doing things he’s not supposed to (really bad grades at school, long hours in front of the PC playing MMORPG, not doing his homework, etc.) but she just sees the baby she helped rise.

So, after the long rant, here is the question, should I just go along with her, ignore everything the kid does and avoid trouble or should I insist on the matter. If the latter, any idea of how to do so without another fight? I tend to say things straight out, and when I try to be soft, I suck big time.

By the time you stop ready this, you'll realze what a waste of time it has been Big Grin
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08-05-2014, 05:40 PM
RE: Issues with the wife
It's her relationship, not yours. Let her have whatever relationships she wants, you don't have to be a part of it.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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08-05-2014, 07:11 PM
RE: Issues with the wife
(08-05-2014 05:40 PM)Dom Wrote:  It's her relationship, not yours. Let her have whatever relationships she wants, you don't have to be a part of it.

Maybe I should have said this before, I'm from Colombia and the relationships here between families are quite strong. She wants me badly to be a part of her family, to see his brother as she sees him...

By the time you stop ready this, you'll realze what a waste of time it has been Big Grin
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08-05-2014, 07:27 PM
RE: Issues with the wife
(08-05-2014 07:11 PM)Maumin Wrote:  
(08-05-2014 05:40 PM)Dom Wrote:  It's her relationship, not yours. Let her have whatever relationships she wants, you don't have to be a part of it.

Maybe I should have said this before, I'm from Colombia and the relationships here between families are quite strong. She wants me badly to be a part of her family, to see his brother as she sees him...

Yabbut, do you have to always be there when she is with him? You said you don't mind the rest of the family...maybe you can just give her a bunch of alone time with him.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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08-05-2014, 07:38 PM
RE: Issues with the wife
Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? You don't always get the option of having both. Pick one.

If you want to be right, continue pointing out this kids errors.

If you want to be happy, you pretend not to notice the errors and don't give a fuck about him.


Does he live with you? Are providing financial support to the kid?


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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08-05-2014, 08:00 PM
RE: Issues with the wife
(08-05-2014 07:27 PM)Dom Wrote:  Yabbut, do you have to always be there when she is with him? You said you don't mind the rest of the family...maybe you can just give her a bunch of alone time with him.

Kind of, we live in a different city, but we go there about 5-6 times per year for a week or so,

Ignoring the matter seems like cheat, but it's also a fact than I don't seem to find a way to make her see what I see... Any ideas on how to say such a sensible thing?

By the time you stop ready this, you'll realze what a waste of time it has been Big Grin
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08-05-2014, 08:04 PM
RE: Issues with the wife
(08-05-2014 08:00 PM)Maumin Wrote:  
(08-05-2014 07:27 PM)Dom Wrote:  Yabbut, do you have to always be there when she is with him? You said you don't mind the rest of the family...maybe you can just give her a bunch of alone time with him.

Kind of, we live in a different city, but we go there about 5-6 times per year for a week or so,

Ignoring the matter seems like cheat, but it's also a fact than I don't seem to find a way to make her see what I see... Any ideas on how to say such a sensible thing?

I see no reason why she has to see things the way you do. It doesn't sound like you have to spend a ton of time around the kid. It's not a cheat, it's respecting her feelings.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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08-05-2014, 09:34 PM
RE: Issues with the wife
Most, if not all, families (or extended families) have people who drive another crazy or annoy them. The brother is not going anywhere, but you can set boundaries *for you*. You cannot control other people's relationships though, that's not healthy either. Say something if it directly impacts you (finances or life decisions), otherwise don't engage or participate minimally in the brothers company.
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09-05-2014, 12:08 AM
RE: Issues with the wife
You seem really stuck.

It's not uncommon at all to experience disconnection from your spouse and she to you shortly after the first year of marriage. This is called, "the honeymoon is over" stage, when the real work of marriage comes in. And it's extra tough that you don't like the kid who seems to be constantly around.

I think if you decide to continue to dislike the permanent kid fixture, things are not going to get better, and your resentments will grow and cause more distancing between you and your wife.

To some degree, I believe you may be clinging to your dislike of the kid because he takes so much of your wife's attention, understandable since you have not been married long.

However, if you want to, I believe you have it in you to find something about this kid to like. That's a good start. Focus on that one thing. Find a game the two of you can play together. Discover or invent a conversation that exists just between the two of you, boats, comics, fishing, motorcycles, racing etc. And let your wife know this "conversation" is between you and the kid only. Teach him something new.

In the meantime let your wife know about your marital concerns, and offer positive solutions only, always. It's best not to accuse. Your wife may feel much the way you do. She may even be using her brother, subconsciously, to avoid marital issues.

Good luck to you and your soon to be healthy marriage.

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story." Orson Welles
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09-05-2014, 04:31 AM
RE: Issues with the wife
(08-05-2014 08:00 PM)Maumin Wrote:  I don't seem to find a way to make her see what I see...

In other words " I want to be right"



There's an old saying " happy wife, happy life"


Think about that.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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