It's hard not to want to commit suicide.
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07-08-2017, 02:35 PM
RE: It's hard not to want to commit suicide.
(07-08-2017 02:40 AM)Lackluster Wrote:  I wish I could just die in my sleep. I stay alive for my family because I know it would cause total chaos for them. It would have all been easier if I just wasn't born.

(My bold)

This tells me that your family values your life & that they care about you and that you value them & care about them. Seems clear that they see reasons why you should live, and it seems clear that through them you might be seeing reasons why you should live.

I'm going to tell you something that I've never admitted to anyone...I tried to commit suicide when I was 15 (see the monkey in my avatar? see the dagger he's holding? my dried blood is on it), I felt completely alone, like you it's more complicated then that but that's all I'll say...
My point is that the reason I'm still alive is because of my father. He wasn't physically there to stop me, he didn't try to get me help, I'm not sure he even knows that I tried. All he did was be alive...and all I did was love him & at that moment my pain became less important then the pain it would cause my father.

Then I found other reasons to live.

Now I'm 44.

(07-08-2017 12:30 PM)Lackluster Wrote:  There's no real point in talking about it. I can't convey my problems or thoughts where they would be understandable. No one here could have the opportunity to truly grasp the uniqueness of my situation, and the best they could offer in return are empty, meaning-free platitudes. I don't even know where to start in describing my life and my problems. It's all very complicated and complex. The only thing I can say is that there's no one else like me in the world.

I share your distaste for meaningless platitudes, as I suspect do most of people on this forum. May I suggest you read some of the other threads that people have posted in the personal support thread... they might not have all the same issues you have but I'm pretty sure you'll be surprised at how many strike a cord.

It's also possible that there's no one like me in the world.

Welcome to the club... there's no membership fee...cause we have no members.

(07-08-2017 01:08 PM)Lackluster Wrote:  I'm an ugly, undesirable, awkward, loser with body deformities and extreme personality problems. Women don't even acknowledge my existence (I mean they LITERALLY don't). And if they do they're undoubtedly thinking "what an ugly piece of shit".

Here you aren't, and here some LITERALLY did.

It's a start

(07-08-2017 01:12 PM)Lackluster Wrote:  I'm also very stupid. I failed college twice, and my entire history in school was an utter failure.

The "boss" in the service department in the dealership I work at never graduated high-school, she's not the service manager. But when she's talking to GM HQ she talks like a lawyer, cause she knows their procedures in & out better then they do. School learning is good...but it is not definitive when talking intelligence.

Tell us something about things that interest you. Tell us why you're still alive, why did you wake up today?

A friend in the hole

"If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are." - Captain Picard
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07-08-2017, 02:37 PM
RE: It's hard not to want to commit suicide.
(07-08-2017 01:45 AM)Lackluster Wrote:  I'm constantly on edge, wanting relief from life. The suicidal thoughts are from a sheer desire for relief from life and from my own mind and from myself.

It's hard to explain my problems. I have extreme depression, anxiety, and all sorts of other problems. I'm very misanthropic, and I hate everything. I'm a very unique case. There are extremely few, if any, people like me in the world.

I have zero energy. I can barely muster up the energy to get out of bed. I sleep for hours and hours, and I still feel like shit afterwards.

I have no friends, and have never had a girlfriend. I'm also a virgin.

I'm just totally fucked up and this has been going on for too long. I can't take it anymore. I think about ending my life every day. I need relief from this terrible life.

If you think you are the only one who feels like that you would be wrong. I have had quite a few moments like that in my life. And even now, my life is not a bed of roses. I can say when you feel like this, it is up to you to talk to people more important professionals.

Life is not about having tons of friends. My Mom died on March 1rst and she was the most important person in my life. Outside her I have really only a couple of friends I know I could talk openly with. Life isn't about popularity or paychecks, it is about relationships.

If you are measuring yourself by what others think you should do or be or look like, then you are doing it all wrong. The only thing anyone can be in life is themselves. If you let everything someone else says about you get to you, you will drive yourself crazy.

Outside that you might also want to consider you have medical and genetic predisposition to your condition. I was adopted and my adoptive parents were completely different than me. I was sensitive, they were both teachers and born in the WW2 authoritarian "boys don't cry" age. It also did not help that I had nothing but boys on my street and bullies. I did not have my first friend until High School.

I found my biological family in 95, and when I met them all my own behaviors made sense. Anxiety and depression do run in the family. Do not put yourself down because you feel like you cant do what the world wants. Only you have any right to decide how you feel and whom you associate with.

Having natural problems does not make you broken. Worry about you, and not what others think of you.

Poetry by Brian37(poems by an atheist) Also on Facebook as BrianJames Rational Poet and Twitter Brianrrs37
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07-08-2017, 03:26 PM
RE: It's hard not to want to commit suicide.
Hi Lackluster- I'm sorry that things are so extraordinarily rough for you. It really fucking sucks that that's the world we live in, where some people have all the great things, and others struggle just to keep breathing every day. It's easy to feel worthless in this world. It's especially difficult to reject those feelings of worthlessness, especially when they feel so repeatedly affirmed everywhere we look.

When depression whispers constantly in your ear reminding you of all the things that someone else has that you don't... All the things that they do better than you... All the ways that they are better than you. Depression has a way of feeding on our self-loathing and growing stronger and stronger with every day. It's whispers are incessant. Some of lies depression tells us may even seem inescapably true- because they are maybe based on truths in our lives, but always overblown or appearing to outweigh positives about us.

There is really not much someone can say to just "fix" it. Though writing down or saying out loud the things that depression tells us can help change some things. Even if nobody can give you a magic cure to fix it. Even if some stranger on an internet forum cannot change you- just talking can help. Making a simple connection can help.

And you have to recognize when depression is whispering to you, and reject those thoughts. For example- reject the lie that shames you for being a 26-year-old virgin. That's irrelevant. Many people are virgins for much longer. It says nothing about who you are, or how much you are worth. That's simply one thing among many that depression will work to wound you with. Believe it or not, some people are ashamed of willingly losing their virginity at some subjective age that is "too early", while many others feel some subjective age that is "too late". Ultimately, it's irrelevant.

You can recover from depression. But it will take professional guidance. And you have to be willing to get that guidance. Because you do deserve it, you just have to recognize that.

In the mean time... why not tell us a little about yourself? Who cares if it doesn't matter in the long run- just take a few minutes. Answer these questions or write something else entirely.

Where in the world do you live?
What is your favorite pastime?
What else do you like to do?
When did you start feeling like this?
What was the latest book that you've read or movie that you've watched that you really liked?
What did you like about it?

Best wishes-
Emma
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07-08-2017, 03:33 PM
RE: It's hard not to want to commit suicide.
(07-08-2017 02:14 PM)Lackluster Wrote:  I know it's not the right place. I'm sorry. I just can't cope with my emotions.

Properly trained psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals will try to help you and try to understand the issues involved. I know they seem insurmountable but most likely they aren't. It is very hard to see that from where you are.

Please contact a trained professional in your area. The number I provided was a place to chat, you can usually do so confidentially. They may also have a list of resources in your area.

" Generally speaking, the errors in religion are dangerous; those in philosophy only ridiculous."
David Hume
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07-08-2017, 03:41 PM
RE: It's hard not to want to commit suicide.
I don't have the money for professional help. I know you guys are saying these platitudes to make me feel better. But the more you dig into them, you realize that they are based on broad generalizations and nonsense. Listen, I've tried all the things you guys are telling me. I've heard all this advice ad nauseam. No one ever wants to admit that the person in question is actually undesirable and unworthy. It's always a nice little euphemism. No one can ever be worthless, there always has to be some kind of hope. That tells you right there that the advice is bullshit. It's just meant to appease people who can't handle the truth. Not everyone is desirable and worthy of life.
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07-08-2017, 03:58 PM
RE: It's hard not to want to commit suicide.
Killing yourself would be a huge ordeal. It's hard work just to get up the gumption and then you got to go ahead with the follow through. It's much harder than most people think to get right. We're all fortunate not to be stuck in this shit existence for very long. Why bother to kill yourself when nature has already guaranteed to do the job for you? All you have to do is wait. You'll get to die. It takes no effort and it's completely free. It happens to every living organism on earth. Why buy the cow when the milk's free?
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07-08-2017, 04:14 PM
RE: It's hard not to want to commit suicide.
It would be nice to just once have someone be interested in me. All the guys I've ever known all have an easy time making friends, getting girlfriends, attracting interest, etc. It's like everyone else is part of this little secret society that I can't get access to.

Every time I've ever tried to just bury my problems and make the best of life, approach women, make friends, etc. it blows up in my face. People want nothing to do with me. I'm ostracized.

I've even tried online dating. Absolute waste of money and time. I send messages all the time and have never gotten a reply. I see couples doing things together all the time. I see guys I know talking to girls on instagram and snapchat all the time. I just wonder how they do it. Where do they find these girls? I never find a girl who is interested or who isn't taken. Seriously, WHERE do they find them?

I've had random women in public make fun of me for how I look. I have extreme pectus excavatum, which pretty much destroys the main physical feature women like on a man, the chest muscles. And ladies, please don't post here saying "women don't care about that...blah blah blah". Just please, spare me that BS. Of course they do. You can't get to the part where they are able to judge you by your personality if you can't attract them physically to start with. When you're so ugly and fucked up that it's a deal breaker before you can even introduce yourself to them, you never get the opportunity to show them who you are as a person. And my personality sucks anyway, so it wouldn't matter even if I did have the opportunity to let them get to know me.

Women are hypocrites. They spout all this goddamn bullshit about how "looks don't matter. Blah blah blah..." But you always go for the taller, better looking guys, and you fucking know it. So goddamn fucking spare me your bullshit.
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07-08-2017, 04:18 PM (This post was last modified: 07-08-2017 04:23 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: It's hard not to want to commit suicide.
“The absurd man will not commit suicide; he wants to live, without relinquishing any of his certainty, without a future, without hope, without illusions … and without resignation either. He stares at death with passionate attention and this fascination liberates him. He experiences the “divine irresponsibility” of the condemned man.” - Sartre

Sartre saved my sorry ass more than once.

If you want to consider it, and I suggest everyone should - "How can you fully appreciate what it means to be if you haven't devoted serious consideration to what it would mean not to be.", do it rationally and dispassionately. Exit bags are the cleanest. It's good to be considerate in the matters of cleanup since you won't be there to clean up after yourself.

#sigh
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07-08-2017, 04:18 PM
RE: It's hard not to want to commit suicide.
(07-08-2017 03:41 PM)Lackluster Wrote:  I don't have the money for professional help. I know you guys are saying these platitudes to make me feel better. But the more you dig into them, you realize that they are based on broad generalizations and nonsense. Listen, I've tried all the things you guys are telling me. I've heard all this advice ad nauseam. No one ever wants to admit that the person in question is actually undesirable and unworthy. It's always a nice little euphemism. No one can ever be worthless, there always has to be some kind of hope. That tells you right there that the advice is bullshit. It's just meant to appease people who can't handle the truth. Not everyone is desirable and worthy of life.

If you seek death, you will find no help here...

You have raised to me my last thought... when my mother died, "how amazing a world that loving someone could hurt so much" -me (in my head).

If it means anything to you, you helped me.

A friend in the hole

"If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are." - Captain Picard
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07-08-2017, 04:24 PM
RE: It's hard not to want to commit suicide.
(07-08-2017 03:41 PM)Lackluster Wrote:  I don't have the money for professional help. I know you guys are saying these platitudes to make me feel better. But the more you dig into them, you realize that they are based on broad generalizations and nonsense. Listen, I've tried all the things you guys are telling me. I've heard all this advice ad nauseam. No one ever wants to admit that the person in question is actually undesirable and unworthy. It's always a nice little euphemism. No one can ever be worthless, there always has to be some kind of hope. That tells you right there that the advice is bullshit. It's just meant to appease people who can't handle the truth. Not everyone is desirable and worthy of life.

There's professional help available for people without money, too. It takes some work to find, and if that prospect is overwhelming, please ask a family member to go through the process with you.

What I'm getting from your posts is that none of the suggestions so far has been helpful. That's okay. If you just want to make more posts in the same vein, that's one way to use this section.

I'd suggest (feel free to find this as useless as the other advice offered so far) that you let this thread stagnate for a while and post on some other threads here. If you can't be of use to yourself, you can still be of use to someone else.
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