Jesus spoke to me
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21-10-2013, 11:46 AM (This post was last modified: 21-10-2013 11:49 AM by Slowminded.)
Jesus spoke to me
I never thought I'm gonna say this, but yes, I found Jesus last night. He actually found me.
Let me start from the beginning...

I was alone at home and doing what I do best, minding my own business, and more often than not that entails watching some porn. I was just starting to type "asian ..." when I felt a strong presence in the room.
I looked up ...and there he was. Jesus himself. Shocking
Now, I know I didn't take any drugs, no alcohol, no shrooms or anything like that. So I thinking "shit, I have a brain tumor" Sadcryface2 .

"You don't have a brain tumor, I'm real, get over it " - he says - " Rolleyes and yeah, I know what you're thinking."
And I'm just sitting there, in shock , looking stupid . At some point I get a bit mad at him, coz , you know, I'm approaching that age when having a full erection is a rare and cherished event, so who the fuck he thinks he is he interrupting my fapping session.

"So...you're an atheist, right? "

"Well ...yes...I mean...I was...sorry Blush "

"No no... don't worry, atheist is good, in fact, atheists are the ones who get to go to haven, and not that shitty haven every theist imagines, lots more fun an' shit"

BlinkBlink
Now I'm confused, by his expression I know I have that stupid look on my face again. But this just doesn't make sense. Then again, nothing in Christianity does, so not making any sense actually makes sense... I think.

" Rolleyes Oh fuck, do I really need to explain? " I realize he sounds like George Carlin , I find that both funny and scary.

"Ok , here's how it works...in short...we don't want stupid cunts in haven, right? So if thou is stupid enough to believe in the bible , thou does not get to go to haven" .

"Oh yeah, that's smart" I say "but...but...why are you telling me this, I was doing all right , now I know that you are real and..."

"Don't worry...there's a loophole Dodgy ,more importantly, I'm here to give you atheists a message , there's a problem with what you are doing "

"What is it ? "

""what is it , what is it", ...I'll tell you what is it...it's you fuckers being too loud and persuasive , I'm watching you go , like, " look at us, we're atheists, we're soooo smart, we think rationally...we free , we happy " , FUCK YOU, STOP IT.
Now I see mormons giving up religion, Texas rednecks going " these atheists are not so bad" next thing you know Bill fucking O'Raily is going to became an atheist and come to haven, is that what you want?
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT MOTHERFUCKERS? "

"No, but...listen, I hate to tell you ...what you did there...it's a logical fallacy...it's called slippery slope...it's when you..."

"Oh, shut the fuck up...I know what a slippery slope is, I invented the slippery slope, you dick, if I want to use it , I'll use it "

"Ok, ok...shit, you're bitchy ...but what should we do?"

"Keep it down a bit, look miserable, depressed , I don't know...eat some babies or something.
Tell your friends too, don't make me come down here again. Got it? "

"Yeah...yeah ok, got it.........but......say......wanna watch some porn ? "

"......sure"

. . . ................................ ......................................... . [Image: 2dsmnow.gif] Eat at Joe's
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21-10-2013, 01:08 PM
RE: Jesus spoke to me
Okay, so I just had a mental image of both you and jesus sitting on a couch next to eachother, staring at the TV and going at it like a couple of preteens who've just discovered their pop's porn stash.

I'm gonna be chuckling to myself all day. Laughat

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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21-10-2013, 01:17 PM
RE: Jesus spoke to me
(21-10-2013 01:08 PM)evenheathen Wrote:  I'm gonna be chuckling to myself all day. Laughat
Big Grin
Exactly what my intention was.

. . . ................................ ......................................... . [Image: 2dsmnow.gif] Eat at Joe's
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21-10-2013, 01:20 PM
RE: Jesus spoke to me
Never knew that the saying "god reveals himself in mysterious ways" was actually talking of him whipping out his shlong. Blink









Laughat

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21-10-2013, 01:23 PM
RE: Jesus spoke to me
Heh...
Kinda clever.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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22-10-2013, 11:31 AM
RE: Jesus spoke to me
(21-10-2013 01:20 PM)cheapthrillseaker Wrote:  Never knew that the saying "god reveals himself in mysterious ways" was actually talking of him whipping out his shlong. Blink

Laughat

Well, after 2000 years of repressed sexuality...

. . . ................................ ......................................... . [Image: 2dsmnow.gif] Eat at Joe's
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22-10-2013, 11:45 AM
RE: Jesus spoke to me
A bit warped, but definitely clever and funny. Maybe you could turn that script into a video...wait...nevermindNo

“Truth does not demand belief. Scientists do not join hands every Sunday, singing, yes, gravity is real! I will have faith! I will be strong! I believe in my heart that what goes up, up, up, must come down, down, down. Amen! If they did, we would think they were pretty insecure about it.”
— Dan Barker —
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