Judging people
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09-07-2013, 05:08 PM
RE: Judging people
(09-07-2013 04:51 PM)Dom Wrote:  Ok , so, mom, do you remember everything? Because I still have a couple of blacked out spots. I remember most, but not all. I assume what I don't remember yet must be the worst part...

I think it is so great that you are speaking out. When you do that, it loses it's grip, it's power.

I pretty much remember it all. For years I downplayed it.

There are things or 'events' I don't recall how old I was...I really think I was pretty young when he began...I dunno grooming me??

I look back on it now and think I wish I had put the pieces together better. I was always careful to never judge him harshly...

People, family members thought I cried because I missed him. When I look back -- I cried because I didn't. I couldn't relate to people at all. I didn't have many friends (the ones I did were certainly questionable). I was good friends with a neighbor girl -- I dunno...I think soemthing happened because she stopped coming to my house. I found his book stash...he'd encourage me to read it all..older men/girl stories. Incest tales. Then he had a stack of comics...all about the bible...little booklets...it was saying both were ok.

I think belief in god became impossible for me. I still can't unravel it.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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09-07-2013, 05:11 PM
RE: Judging people
(09-07-2013 04:59 PM)Revenant77x Wrote:  
(09-07-2013 04:02 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Ok Rev-- you made me cry (in a good way). Maybe it's good that Dom's pm box is full -- I wasn't going to share this...but what the hell. I've never told anyone about this part.

My abuser (my father) 'pretended' to have god talk through him to validate my continued abuse. He (as god) told me that if I ever told anyone I would burn in hell -- it was a special covenant. He would also pretend to be the devil...to I guess frighten me and solidify my "faith".

He didn't abuse as 'god' but used it only to validate it was ok. I believed it as stupid as it sounded I believed it.

So my disbelief came from a weird place. I didn't hate god for not protecting me...I hated my father for playing god games with my head.

And I get the fact he died could be construed as a confirmation bias that god punished him.

But I think this why I initially really stopped believing. Maybe also why I continued to struggle with the belief.

I'm glad it touched you in a good way I spent a good while deciding how to phrase it since it was dealing with a sensitive subject, how sensitive I was not aware until now. I do have to say the more I learn about you the more in awe of your good nature I am. You have every right to be bitter and mean and hostile to a world that has dealt you some lousy cards but you're not and thats amazing. It's been rough around here recently and a lot of feelings hurt and toes stepped on but we are still a family and family looks out for it's own. You ever need anything, even just someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on I'm there.

Thanks Rev and Dom I appreciate it more than I can say.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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09-07-2013, 05:12 PM
RE: Judging people
The strength of some of the people here and their willingness to use their experiences to help others is amazing.

I hate what you all went through and love you all for being willing to extend a hand to help.

Youz is good peoplez.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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09-07-2013, 05:12 PM
RE: Judging people
(09-07-2013 05:08 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  
(09-07-2013 04:51 PM)Dom Wrote:  Ok , so, mom, do you remember everything? Because I still have a couple of blacked out spots. I remember most, but not all. I assume what I don't remember yet must be the worst part...

I think it is so great that you are speaking out. When you do that, it loses it's grip, it's power.

I pretty much remember it all. For years I downplayed it.

There are things or 'events' I don't recall how old I was...I really think I was pretty young when he began...I dunno grooming me??

I look back on it now and think I wish I had put the pieces together better. I was always careful to never judge him harshly...

People, family members thought I cried because I missed him. When I look back -- I cried because I didn't. I couldn't relate to people at all. I didn't have many friends (the ones I did were certainly questionable). I was good friends with a neighbor girl -- I dunno...I think soemthing happened because she stopped coming to my house. I found his book stash...he'd encourage me to read it all..older men/girl stories. Incest tales. Then he had a stack of comics...all about the bible...little booklets...it was saying both were ok.

I think belief in god became impossible for me. I still can't unravel it.

Mine had the literature too, mostly picture mags though, and he made me look at them. One time he made me draw a copy...

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09-07-2013, 05:20 PM
RE: Judging people
I sure hope "HE" didn't do anything to your girlfriend.

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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09-07-2013, 05:24 PM
RE: Judging people
(09-07-2013 05:12 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(09-07-2013 05:08 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  I pretty much remember it all. For years I downplayed it.

There are things or 'events' I don't recall how old I was...I really think I was pretty young when he began...I dunno grooming me??

I look back on it now and think I wish I had put the pieces together better. I was always careful to never judge him harshly...

People, family members thought I cried because I missed him. When I look back -- I cried because I didn't. I couldn't relate to people at all. I didn't have many friends (the ones I did were certainly questionable). I was good friends with a neighbor girl -- I dunno...I think soemthing happened because she stopped coming to my house. I found his book stash...he'd encourage me to read it all..older men/girl stories. Incest tales. Then he had a stack of comics...all about the bible...little booklets...it was saying both were ok.

I think belief in god became impossible for me. I still can't unravel it.

Mine had the literature too, mostly picture mags though, and he made me look at them. One time he made me draw a copy...

That was the thing. It made it seem, normal. Especially alongside the churchy stuff. The church paid to have those things printed. Someone paid to have the other stuff. That was the way I thought...it seemed legitimate.

I remember when I first found it, my father said someone had given it to him...why keep it -- why let me read it....why encourage me to read it and look at pictures of girls my age with older men?


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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09-07-2013, 05:31 PM
RE: Judging people
(09-07-2013 05:24 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  
(09-07-2013 05:12 PM)Dom Wrote:  Mine had the literature too, mostly picture mags though, and he made me look at them. One time he made me draw a copy...

That was the thing. It made it seem, normal. Especially alongside the churchy stuff. The church paid to have those things printed. Someone paid to have the other stuff. That was the way I thought...it seemed legitimate.

I remember when I first found it, my father said someone had given it to him...why keep it -- why let me read it....why encourage me to read it and look at pictures of girls my age with older men?

Well, we know why now, don't we. Mine was a relative too. When he died, I was supposed to feel sad. But I felt strangely elevated, light, like a burden fell off me. So that night I was in my bedroom wondering how come I felt that way, and it all came rushing back - well most of it did.

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09-07-2013, 05:32 PM
RE: Judging people
(09-07-2013 05:20 PM)Dom Wrote:  I sure hope "HE" didn't do anything to your girlfriend.

I dunno, I want to believe no. I don't know tho. I never had kids over tho after that inside the house. (this was before I started school I think).


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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09-07-2013, 05:35 PM
RE: Judging people
(09-07-2013 05:31 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(09-07-2013 05:24 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  That was the thing. It made it seem, normal. Especially alongside the churchy stuff. The church paid to have those things printed. Someone paid to have the other stuff. That was the way I thought...it seemed legitimate.

I remember when I first found it, my father said someone had given it to him...why keep it -- why let me read it....why encourage me to read it and look at pictures of girls my age with older men?

Well, we know why now, don't we. Mine was a relative too. When he died, I was supposed to feel sad. But I felt strangely elevated, light, like a burden fell off me. So that night I was in my bedroom wondering how come I felt that way, and it all came rushing back - well most of it did.

Oh my that must have been hard! My therapist told me once something like when you feel safe -- things come out and it's your minds way of letting you know that you can start to heal.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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09-07-2013, 05:40 PM
RE: Judging people
(09-07-2013 05:35 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  
(09-07-2013 05:31 PM)Dom Wrote:  Well, we know why now, don't we. Mine was a relative too. When he died, I was supposed to feel sad. But I felt strangely elevated, light, like a burden fell off me. So that night I was in my bedroom wondering how come I felt that way, and it all came rushing back - well most of it did.

Oh my that must have been hard! My therapist told me once something like when you feel safe -- things come out and it's your minds way of letting you know that you can start to heal.

Well, I was a mess. I didn't step out of the house for a week. I was extremely paranoid. Eventually it turned into anger. That pedo thread here triggered my anger again. I was so furious, I could spit tacks.

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