Jumping in with both feet
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08-12-2014, 07:26 AM
RE: Jumping in with both feet
wow. what an intro.

first, breathe, just breathe.
second, know that you arent alone- there are a few of us here married happily (some not so happily) to believers. This doesnt mean the end of a relationship unless you want it to be.
third- you probably have a couple more hurdles in your deconversion to go yet When it hits you about the abuse your parents intentionally did to you- it will hard, it would be helpful to have the comfort of a loving spouse by your side.
fourth- frame it in a human rights mindset, that each person gets freedom of conscience, to choose the belief system that works for them. You don't get to impose your beliefs on others, or they on you, but you are both entitled to go thru this world in a manner that is right for you. I am atheist, my husband is a believer, with our children we explain " some people think this, some people think that, other people think this other thing, some people don't think any of it true, but you get to choose what you think and you can change your mind any time you want, as many times as you want". When you talk with your wife- this is your goal, mutual respect- not a battle of "my way is better than yours"

stick around, just being here helps. glad you found TTA.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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08-12-2014, 07:27 AM
RE: Jumping in with both feet
I can't help with your question because I've never been in that situation. The only thing I'll say is I agree with the other responses... take it slow.

(07-12-2014 07:17 PM)JackX Wrote:  And then like getting hit in the face I heard myself tell myself to stop thinking, and something inside me snapped.

Whatever happens, that tells me that you're going to come out OK in the end.
Bowing

Quote:I have so much freedom and happiness right now. I feel like a different person. The world is amazing and I get to be part of it.

Welcome to reality.

Atheism: it's not just for communists any more!
America July 4 1776 - November 8 2016 RIP
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08-12-2014, 03:53 PM
RE: Jumping in with both feet
Thank you all for the kind words and advice.

I do believe my wife will be reasonable when this does come up, obviously it's a big step but I think the gradual introduction advice is good.
I think I may start with bringing up some of my logical issues with the Bible when it does come up.

Thanks again.
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08-12-2014, 07:13 PM
RE: Jumping in with both feet
Best case scenario is that she'll want to have a real conversation with you and share some of her doubts about faith as well. That could be a really great conversation, my wife is atheist and we've had great discussions about mythology and people's reasons for believing.

Though she doesn't like getting me on a rant, and I can go on an epic rant!

Good luck with this though and best wishes.

Gods derive their power from post-hoc rationalizations. -The Inquisition

Using the supernatural to explain events in your life is a failure of the intellect to comprehend the world around you. -The Inquisition
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08-12-2014, 07:42 PM
RE: Jumping in with both feet
Hi Jack! Welcome to the fray, er, light!

You are experiencing what many of us have and it's called cognitive dissonance, which is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values.

It's common to experience this in many different ways these days, my current one is watching planes over my head spray stuff in cross-hatch patterns back and forth across the sky, and every meteorologist I've spoken to says I'm not seeing that at all, and what I am seeing is perfectly normal! Liars! Intuition is seldom wrong.

So no worries, work through the discomfort, and with every passing day you'll get stronger. Regarding your wife, if she loves you, she loves you no matter what you believe. That would be true xian spirit.

In the meantime, make yourself at home, have fun!

~incrédulité~
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08-12-2014, 07:48 PM
RE: Jumping in with both feet
(08-12-2014 07:42 PM)sansdieux Wrote:  Hi Jack! Welcome to the fray, er, light!

You are experiencing what many of us have and it's called cognitive dissonance, which is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values.

It's common to experience this in many different ways these days, my current one is watching planes over my head spray stuff in cross-hatch patterns back and forth across the sky, and every meteorologist I've spoken to says I'm not seeing that at all, and what I am seeing is perfectly normal! Liars! Intuition is seldom wrong.

So no worries, work through the discomfort, and with every passing day you'll get stronger. Regarding your wife, if she loves you, she loves you no matter what you believe. That would be true xian spirit.

In the meantime, make yourself at home, have fun!


Huh airplanes leave CONtrails (short for condensation ie: water vapor), not chemtrails.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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09-12-2014, 11:07 AM
RE: Jumping in with both feet
(08-12-2014 07:48 PM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  
(08-12-2014 07:42 PM)sansdieux Wrote:  Hi Jack! Welcome to the fray, er, light!

You are experiencing what many of us have and it's called cognitive dissonance, which is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values.

It's common to experience this in many different ways these days, my current one is watching planes over my head spray stuff in cross-hatch patterns back and forth across the sky, and every meteorologist I've spoken to says I'm not seeing that at all, and what I am seeing is perfectly normal! Liars! Intuition is seldom wrong.

So no worries, work through the discomfort, and with every passing day you'll get stronger. Regarding your wife, if she loves you, she loves you no matter what you believe. That would be true xian spirit.

In the meantime, make yourself at home, have fun!


Huh airplanes leave CONtrails (short for condensation ie: water vapor), not chemtrails.

Yes, thank you, I am aware of the semantics, however, I didn't use that word so why are you correcting me? Rough crowd.

~incrédulité~
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09-12-2014, 02:38 PM
RE: Jumping in with both feet
JackX,

Welcome to TTA! Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but I'm also glad to hear you have found your way out. If it's any consolation, you have no worries about hell. You've already been there and survived!

Regarding your wife, I agree with others here who said take it slowly. Related to that, I think it's important to realize that you've been away for awhile and, when you return to your wife, you'll want to re-establish that relationship first before dropping any bombs. Once you feel everything is on solid footing again, then maybe drop a few hints of doubts about religion and see what reaction you get. That may help you to know what to expect when you eventually let her know your new views about god and religion.

When you do get to opening it all up, be sure to emphasize that you are still every bit the same person she married otherwise. Also, let her express her thoughts and feelings and don't try to tell her she "should" accept your views. The important thing is to respect her views and feelings as much as you want yours to be respected. If she a reasonable person, you'll be able to work it out together. It may happen fairly quickly or it may take some time.

Also, try to identify some of the videos or websites that were most instrumental in helping you out of religion. Those may also help her to at least understand. I'm suggesting those because they take less effort and time than reading books so she may be easier for her to look at those. But, if she likes to read, a powerful book or two may help as well. You two together can figure out what works best there.

I am not accountable to any God. I am accountable to myself - and not because I think I am God as some theists would try to assert - but because, no matter what actions I take, thoughts I think, or words I utter, I have to be able to live with myself.
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10-12-2014, 07:06 AM
RE: Jumping in with both feet
(07-12-2014 07:17 PM)JackX Wrote:  I don't know how to tell my wife.
I'm on the other side of the world right now and will be for awhile, but eventually when I get home I will have to say something. Faith has been an important part of her life and even though she had a much more normal life than me this is huge and I know it will hurt her.

What do I do?

I've been atheist for the last four to six years, depending on how you count it, and I've been married to my Christian wife for eleven years (I was Christian when we got married). She knew I was going through some periods of doubt, but did seem genuinely hurt when I admitted that I no longer believed. For a while, she held onto the hope that I'd come back into the fold, and I think she still has that hope, but sees it as less likely. That being said, she's a pretty liberal Christian in that she doesn't believe in hell, and she believes I'll go to heaven, have a bit of egg on my face for having been wrong, and that will be that. It certainly makes it easier for her to reconcile the differences in our opinion on the matter.

Anyway, as to your question: I'd recommend being careful how you word it. Whether your wife responds rationally or emotionally when you tell her, you're dealing with something that is very important to a lot of people. Mix in the fact that these beliefs cannot be proven without presupposition, and you likely have a lot of adherents with some degree of doubt. When believers find out one of theirs no longer believes, it can make them feel insecure and/or attacked. This is no fault of your own, but do be careful how you word things.


Good luck! Also, welcome!
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10-12-2014, 07:25 AM
RE: Jumping in with both feet
(09-12-2014 11:07 AM)sansdieux Wrote:  
(08-12-2014 07:48 PM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Huh airplanes leave CONtrails (short for condensation ie: water vapor), not chemtrails.

Yes, thank you, I am aware of the semantics, however, I didn't use that word so why are you correcting me? Rough crowd.

sorry, my bad, I was posting online before having a sufficent level of coffee.
When I first read your post I thought you were saying you thought chemtrails were real.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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