Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
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25-07-2014, 06:18 AM
Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
Just a warning, I'm really here just to vent to my atheist family. We live in a world that's incredibly difficult for us I've found and it's hard to find people to talk too. I know this is a repeated topic (and I've found help in other post) but I just have to tell my story. Feel free to offer advice if you would like, or a simple pat on the back but I'm really just typing this for my own therapy, it might be long but read on if you wish and thank you if you do.

I am madly in love with my fiance who is not only a christian, but a "tell it on the mountain" christian. She keeps piles of bibles by her bedside and her facebook is littered with christian propaganda. I would love to convert her but she truly believes she saw jesus when she was younger (yes, the age where the imagination is wild and this is common place to mix reality and fantasy) and while I am well skilled in religious debate, I can't even scratch her faith.

As I am a militant atheist (nothing crazy, but I hate religion and am adamant about non-belief) being with someone like this is maddening. Should we not be together? Perhaps, and probably not but we fell in love and it's hard to imagine a life without her. I generally love being with her and we get along great until the religion thing comes up which when your with a person that believes all things are because of jesus, trust me, it happens a lot.

I typically don't mind that she's a believer, but she doesn't like to hear an opposing point of view or even communicate to me about it. I have asked her to try to help me "find god" but she doesn't like it when I ask questions. She says it makes her uncomfortable and that she's being separated from jesus by my influence. I have tried SO HARD to be supportive and take a neutral approach but unless I'm able to simply flip a switch and be a believer (instant buy-in), she isn't interested in leading me there because again "I ask too many questions and that's not how it works" - I know, religious logic at it's finest.

Anyway, to the core of my story here, I recently said forget it, I am going to depart from my Atheist standpoint and just take a agnostic approach to dissolve the conflict. Atheism is a weighty subject to hold anyway with some 90% of the population against us anyway. I thought it might help me find peace. I even attempted to pray (yes, it felt ridiculous) just to show I was making an effort. The very act of closing my eyes and pretending to speak to a space wizard is so embarrassing but I truly wanted to try. This is how much I love her. I also deleted my Atheist podcast (sorry Seth), tossed my atheist books, and unsubscribed from atheist related subreddits. I didn't want anything that would remind me. I just wanted to let her do her thing and I would be someone with "I don't care" stand point.

She has since been even more vocal about god and oddly enough, it's like the conflict has been even more intense. We fought last night because she said she was only still with me because I had "become a christian" which I explained that just because I had given up atheism that I didn't suddenly believe in a magic man in the sky and that I simply cannot start believing in something when I have no reason too. This is at least the 3rd time in the last month she's alluded to leaving me for not being a believer and I just don't know if I can take the pain of that anymore.

Another point [I'm not sure quite where to insert in this story] is that she won't give up a single element of her belief. She believes that everything she does MUST be done and that if done to any less extent - she will not be truly "serving the lord". She can't have intelligent conversations about science, she can't not thank jesus for everything", etc.... She is truly blinded by her fiction and refuses to let go of any part of it.

I know the easy thing would be to just call it quits but love is tough. Love is not logical. She is my strength where I am weak and we have a very symbiotic relationship. After three years with her, our love still grows strong everyday, except when it comes to the religious topic.

I feel like I have moved a mountain to meet her in middle, even more so to her side and she refuses to budge a bit. She constantly reminds me that I am "number 3" on her list (1. god, 2. jesus, 3. me) which although these are fictional characters, it hurts me because she is number 1 on my list. I don't know what else I can do and I live my life each day in fear that I will hear her say the words to me "I'm sorry, but I can no longer be with a non-believer".

Sometimes I wish I was just brainwashed like everyone else and could buy into it, but I cannot. If I lose her, I will be devastated as I do love her.

Anyway, to anyone who read this - thank you. I feel better having typed this all out. I appreciate anyone who has something to say and even if you don't, thanks for reading, thank you my atheist family - you are all I have in this insane world!
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25-07-2014, 06:32 AM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
You're doomed.

She is becoming more vocal because she sees your concessions as signs of weakness and her wish to convert you seems closer at hand. A few more nudges and you'll fall for it, in her mind.

Negotiate a truce - where religion in any form is taboo - or accept that you'll be guilted and abused the rest of your life with her.

I've been in a similar situation (not religion) and struggled for a long time. Cutting the cord and being free was much more satisfying than staying. But that's just my experience.

I wish you well, whatever your choice.

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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25-07-2014, 06:33 AM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
The writing is on the wall. Time for you to read it.


Sounds to me that she has spelled it out pretty clearly that she is only with you because you give her hints that you might be a believer. And if you aren't going to believe in her sky daddy then you aren't the one for her.

Listen to what she says- if you aren't a believer- she isn't interested.


Your feelings of love don't matter.



I hear that Disney song again..... " let it go! let it go"





"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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25-07-2014, 06:49 AM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
What Bows said.

Do you really want to be with someone who only cares about you if you agree with her and share her beliefs? Isn't it unfair that you're trying to compromise, constantly degrading yourself and that's not even enough for her?

This sounds almost like an abusive relationship. I don't mean to be harsh, but are you willing to sacrifice your dignity and freedom your whole life just to be with someone who only loves you if you're a Christian?

"Behind every great pirate, there is a great butt."
-Guybrush Threepwood-
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25-07-2014, 06:51 AM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
Time to bite the bullet methinks...

If the subject is this intrusive in the relationship that she won't give ground then that is not your fault...


"Name me a moral statement made or moral action performed that could not have been made or done, by a non-believer..." - Christopher Hitchens



My youtube musings: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfFoxbz...UVi1pf4B5g
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25-07-2014, 06:59 AM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
I been there bro. I been there and I walked away... you want to live a lie? You can't choose your belief. If it's that important to her, you. are. fucked. You gotta get her to either agree to leave you alone on the God stuff - agree to disagree, agree that your relationship is awesome and it'd be a pity to lose it over something as abstract as what happens when you die... or you gotta leave.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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25-07-2014, 07:50 AM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
I'm with everyone else. This relationship is not going to end well. And, if you marry her, you may both come to regret it.

Shackle their minds when they're bent on the cross
When ignorance reigns, life is lost
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25-07-2014, 08:29 AM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
Sorry in advance.

1. Your relationship is likely on death row. The moment you start dismissing other with "I don't want to hear what you have to say or what you think." You've (she has) already put a distance between you two that shouldn't be in a relationship.

2. You can't "Give up" atheism. While sparing you the technical definitions, you don't choose what you believe. You can't just wake up one day and say "Well, I don't think I want to lack belief any more, I guess I will start believing." At least I don't think you can. Similarly she can't give up her Christianity. She would need to be convinced to change her position. And that is not likely to happen when she shuts out opposing views.

3. Imagine how much conflict you will have over raising kids in the future. Would you be okay with her indoctrinating your kids? Would you be okay with your point of view not being considered an appropriate topic to raise in front of the kids (while hers is completely A-Okay)?

4. This sounds like manipulation and emotional abuse on her end. If you can't have a straight up heart to heart talk saying, "hey, this is how I feel, this is what I believe, this is the future I want..how about you?" Then I just don't know.

5. Sometimes it is necessary to take a hard stance for your own self-respect and autonomy. It appears she has taken a few hard stances, but you are trying to bend over backwards to change yourself to meet them. But what's the point of accommodating to her hard stances if you change as a person to do it, or you give up what is important to you and have to live a lie?

Sorry, just can't see anything good here.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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25-07-2014, 08:37 AM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
I've been holding off on replying because I don't want this to end. I really like hearing from you guys! I wish I could invite all of your over for drinks!!

The advice you have all given me is (and I'm very appreciative of it!) something I've come to terms with.

Thank you for reading my long post and for the replies. Feel free to keep it coming, it's nice to just know that other non-crazy people are out there. Thank you again everyone.
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25-07-2014, 10:30 AM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
Sorry about the impending loss of this relationship in your life. If it's any consolation, heathen girls will shout your name rather than God's. Smile

Religion is proof that invisible men can obscure your vision.
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