Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
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15-08-2014, 12:54 PM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
(15-08-2014 08:44 AM)GodlessRN Wrote:  When I met my wife we were both vaguely Christian- but were not going to church or acting on our faith. This is pretty much how things stayed until we had children. Now she is a fundamentalist and I am an atheist. Because I think she would leave me and take the kids to Texas if I talk to them about atheism, I pretty much am in a position of sitting back and watching them be indoctrinated. If they go to Texas and live with their fundamentalist grandparents, then they will be worse off than they are now. I don't want them to become a battleground by proxy for our beliefs. I love my wife dearly. I love my children. I hate to see any of them being fed the crap they get from their church. But I really have no choice and my heart breaks every day. Literally every day.

I handle it by trying to get the kids to think critically, and avoiding the subject of religion. They know I don't believe and they think I am going to hell. Their father who puts food on their table, hugs and kisses them goodnight, plays games with them, cuddles with them on the couch while watching movies, etc is so vile that he deserves to burn forever. Yeah, that hurts. I love my wife. I just hate what she has been told and threatened (with eternal torture) into believing. For her, making sure the kids are believers is winning a battle against the forces of darkness and preventing their eternal damnation. This is more important, to her, than life or death. It really brings out the momma bear in her.

You are the one who needs to decide what you are going to do, but I really hope you don't end up in a situation like mine and I am afraid you are risking that.

Good luck either way.

Yikes, that sounds tough. Have you chatted to wife about this stuff? What does she think of being married to an unbeliever?

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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15-08-2014, 01:32 PM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
Thanks.

OK- I am going to make her sound insane- but she isn't, just indoctrinated. She is a great person in so many ways, a good mother and I love being married to her (except for this one area), but...

She wanted me to talk to someone from her church when I told her I am an atheist. I agreed and we sat down at our house. She said she cannot talk to me about religion, but she has not told me why. When this guy came over we talked about a few things and nothing he said was particularly impressive, but I listened. I agreed to meet with him again and to read the book of John. She asked if I would read it with an open mind. I pointed out that reading the bible with an open mind was partly what pushed me towards atheism, but I would try again. I then asked her if she would have an open mind to the possibility god might not exist. She said no, she already had her proof and did not need an open mind about that. I don't know what she is considering proof.

Another time she showed me a video about the son of someone she knew who had repeated bouts of cancer and had an up and down course of illness. The whole video had I love Jesus music playing. By the end of it I was so mad and angrily (not the best response) asked why Christians can thank god for allowing them to suffer so much, just because things get better in the end. This kid went through hours and hours of pain, lost two years of his childhood for crying out loud. She told me I needed to "stop talking right now".

This is a no go subject for her. She shuts down instantly. I think she totally believes that blasphemy is an unforgivable sin and I might say something that would deny me the chance to be "saved". She does the same thing with politics. I once asked her why she hated Obama so much. I don't mean "I don't agree with him" type differences, which is fine, but the more "he is an agent of evil" end of the scale. She told me something that he had supposedly done. I looked it up, found out it was totally untrue and sent her an email with references supporting this. She told me later she deleted it without reading it because I was just "stirring the pot".

We once watched a documentary about the world trade center attack. They showed how one guy survived and how the architecture fell around him in such a way as to create a pocket. She thought it was sad that they figured this out, because it made the man's survival less meaningful and took something away from him (I don't really understand what).

I just think she has been so indoctrinated that she is afraid to doubt, to think any differently than how she was raised. I blame a lot of this on her mother. She calls my wife almost daily and I think she reinforces a lot of this stuff. I count the small victories, though. At least my wife is not racist like her mother, she managed to break that part of the cycle. Baby steps.

Honestly I don't think she would ever listen to me about religion anyway. She might to someone else, but I am too close for comfort. So it is something we don't talk about. I think she loves me, prays for me and waits for god to reveal himself to me. I think she is going to have a long wait. She told me she thinks I am a good person, so that is something.

Anyway- that is a long response to a short question. I really only posted initially to try and warn the OP of what his future might look like if he stays with this girl. Maybe things will go better for him, but our problems did not really start until our first child was born. I think, for me, there was an element of feeling "if I can love this baby girl so much that I would forgive her anything, even if she hated me, why is it so hard for a god? He must be a real prick. Who would send something this amazing into a pit of fire?". For my wife it's "god has given me the chance to nurture this child so I can raise them to know the wonder of god's love and join with him in paradise forever". You can ignore a lot of things in a partner, but this one is too different, too pressing, too immediate. There is too much at stake for both of us and no real middle ground.

Thanks for asking
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15-08-2014, 01:39 PM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
Yeesh that's hard. Yeah, I get what you say - plenty of Christians are really nice people, but this business of indoctrinatin' kids is a bit off, what? Can see where that would cause tension.

Hope you find a way to get through to her.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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15-08-2014, 02:02 PM
RE: Just Venting - Will lose my Fiance if I don't "find god"
(15-08-2014 01:39 PM)morondog Wrote:  Yeesh that's hard. Yeah, I get what you say - plenty of Christians are really nice people, but this business of indoctrinatin' kids is a bit off, what? Can see where that would cause tension.

Hope you find a way to get through to her.

Funny thing is, my daughter is fascinated by Greek Mythology. She recently told me she had proof that Athena is real because there is evidence that the siege of Troy actually took place, and since Athena started it, then that proves Athena is real. I did point out that just because an event took place does not mean everything written about it is true. But then I told her I was really proud of her for thinking it through and looking for evidence and that she should keep doing it. I think there is hope for her yet- her reasoning skills need some practice and maturity, but at least she is trying. I think she was too excited to re-evaluate at the time of our conversation, so she still thinks Athena is real, but for now, I am OK with that, she is only 7.

So now I am smiling inside and finding her plenty of mythology books to read. Hopefully when she figures out one god is a myth she will start checking out a few others (one in particular?)! At some point I will introduce her to the Magic of Reality by Dawkins. There is no guarantee that she will become an atheist, but perhaps she can become a better skeptic. Possibly having an atheist child and facing the implications of god's wrath will finally cause my wife to question her own beliefs further. Or it might make her double down.

My wife once told me that, as a child, a boy she knew told her she was going to hell because her church had a kitchen and his didn't and there is no mention of kitchens in churches in the bible. These two churches were even the same denomination (Church of Christ). For my wife to find a home at a non-denominational church, rather than a Church of Christ, is a big step forward based upon how she was raised. She was taught that only Church of Christ Christians can get into heaven.

The people who indoctrinated her were probably indoctrinated themselves, and the same for the ones before them. I wish I could get my hands on the ones that started it though.
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