Just for Fun - Paraprosdokians
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29-05-2013, 08:21 PM (This post was last modified: 29-05-2013 08:28 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Just for Fun - Paraprosdokians
(29-05-2013 06:42 PM)Dark Light Wrote:  As for Yogi Berra, oh boy, half the things he ever said belongs here. And so it shall be.

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical."
"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Half the lies they tell about me aren't true."
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
"I never said most of the things I said."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."
"I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question."
"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."
"I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four."
"You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you."
"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
"Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken."
"It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting."
"Pair up in threes."

And about his quotes, he said

"A lot of guys go, 'Hey, Yog, say a Yogi-ism.' I tell 'em, 'I don't know any.' They want me to make one up. I don't make 'em up. I don't even know when I say it. They're the truth. And it is the truth. I don't know."

"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

Berra was the Buddha. Just about everything he said was a kōan and he didn't even know what a fucking kōan was. Big Grin

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
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23-06-2013, 09:53 PM
RE: Just for Fun - Paraprosdokians
Bump...

"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's."- Mark Twain in Eruption
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23-06-2013, 09:58 PM
RE: Just for Fun - Paraprosdokians
(29-05-2013 11:38 AM)Full Circle Wrote:  This came from friend and thought it could be fun to let you guys have at it.


Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it..

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

those are funny. The rest is only mildly humorous

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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23-06-2013, 10:28 PM (This post was last modified: 24-06-2013 10:03 AM by cufflink.)
RE: Just for Fun - Paraprosdokians
Steven Wright, the stand-up comic, is known for his paraprosdokians. This collection contains some good ones. For example:

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I lost a buttonhole.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night.

ETA: A bigger and better collection of Steve Wright quotes:

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/author...right.html

Thanks, ridethespiral!

Religious disputes are like arguments in a madhouse over which inmate really is Napoleon.
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23-06-2013, 10:34 PM
RE: Just for Fun - Paraprosdokians
(23-06-2013 10:28 PM)cufflink Wrote:  Steven Wright, the stand-up comic, is known for his paraprosdokians. This collection contains some good ones. For example:

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I lost a buttonhole.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night.

Ya know who else...Rodney Dangerfield:

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

....All this ctrl + C, ctrl + P is starting to feel like I'm at work so here http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/author...field.html

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23-06-2013, 10:38 PM
RE: Just for Fun - Paraprosdokians
...and Mitch Hedberg:

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

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24-06-2013, 06:50 AM
RE: Just for Fun - Paraprosdokians
(23-06-2013 10:34 PM)ridethespiral Wrote:  A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over.

This one is missing the punchline:

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's."- Mark Twain in Eruption
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26-06-2013, 07:28 PM
RE: Just for Fun - Paraprosdokians
Don't be afraid of death, you'll make it just fine Drinking Beverage
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26-06-2013, 09:38 PM
RE: Just for Fun - Paraprosdokians
If you don't get what you ask for, want it.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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27-06-2013, 04:40 AM
RE: Just for Fun - Paraprosdokians
My neighbor: "So where are you going?"


Me: "I'm going to bed--and you're not invited!"

Drinking Beverage Grab a cuppa' joe; sit-n-read my blog for a spell: www.vaweber.wordpress.com
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