Just jokes
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03-09-2016, 12:45 PM (This post was last modified: 03-09-2016 12:48 PM by Gloucester.)
Just jokes
Sure there was an ordinary jokes thread but still cannot get the search engine to find anything at all!

OK

The girls from the class of 1960 went to Orlando's because the waiters there were all under thirty and really buff! They agreed to meet ten years later.

They went back to Orlando's because the food and wine was really top notch and the waiters were still male and young.

Ten years later, Orlando's was the venue again because the quality of the food, furnishings and decor had been maintained.

The next visit was because they had developed the habit and the menu had some nice dishes without those hot spices that gave them indigestion now. And Mary was still flirting with the staff. At her age! Tut!

Another decade. They decided on Orlando's once more because the ramps and space around the tables allowed them to use their walking frames and scooters...

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
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05-09-2016, 02:28 PM
RE: Just jokes
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists.

The new element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that it has an atomic number 0 and falls outside the natural table of elements. However, it has been found to have a single Higgs, 25 Personal Assistants to the Higgs, 75 Vice-Higgs and 111 Assistant Vice-Higgs. These 212 particles are held together by a force involving the continuous exchange of meson-like ideas, called memos, and muon like instructions called emails.

Because it has no protons or electrons Administratium is inert. Nonetheless, it can be detected in that it seems to cause agitation in all the other elements. A small amount of Administratium can propagate a single event that can reverberate around the entire universe for many years. There may be occasional weak interaction with theoretical particles that are difficult to define or quantify, temporarily called consultants.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years. It does not actually decay, rather it undergoes a reorganisation in which the Vice Higgs, and certain assistants to the Vice-Higgs exchange places; some Vice-Higgs may even be emitted. Some studies have indicated that its mass actually increases after each reorganization, despite the emission of Vice-Higgs, although this is yet to be explained. Another phenomenon which has been observed, as expected from the mechanics of minute particles, is that the more one tries to pin down the positions of Vice Higgs within the structure of Administratium, the more uncertain those positions become. This is known as the Responsibility Uncertainty Principle.

Within a short time of the discovery being announced, the existence of the element was confirmed in laboratories around the world. In addition, a team at the University of Utter told a press conference they had been able to create Administratium in fusion experiments conducted at room temperature. Using highly sophisticated probability detectors, the team had detected a stream of memos from a fax-mounted device. Dr May Bee and her associate, Dr Noah Chance, said the details of their experiment were being kept confidential, pending further development of the data. But, they claimed, there were definitely more memos out of the device than went in!

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
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05-09-2016, 03:04 PM
RE: Just jokes
Little Johnny when asked by the teacher what he wanted to be when he grew up declared he wanted to be a drug lord with a Ferrari and a bitch that would give him sex whenever he wanted and how he wanted it, and he'd buy her her own Ferrari and skirts so short they wouldn't sit down when she did and blouses so low cut her boobs were on display. The teacher just thanked Johnnie and went on thinking to counsel him some other time, turning to Suzie she asked what she wanted to be when she grew up. "I wanna be Johnnies bitch." she replies without hesitation!
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05-09-2016, 03:23 PM
RE: Just jokes
(05-09-2016 03:04 PM)Born Again Pagan Wrote:  Little Johnny when asked by the teacher what he wanted to be when he grew up declared he wanted to be a drug lord with a Ferrari and a bitch that would give him sex whenever he wanted and how he wanted it, and he'd buy her her own Ferrari and skirts so short they wouldn't sit down when she did and blouses so low cut her boobs were on display. The teacher just thanked Johnnie and went on thinking to counsel him some other time, turning to Suzie she asked what she wanted to be when she grew up. "I wanna be Johnnies bitch." she replies without hesitation!

Only in America . . .

OK, and Jamaica, Honduras . . .

Big Grin

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05-09-2016, 03:49 PM
RE: Just jokes
Three fathers are talking about their sons.

The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini".

The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht".

The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle".

Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?"

The fouth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper."

The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed."

The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."
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05-09-2016, 04:32 PM
RE: Just jokes
1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.


What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.


A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.

Religious Shit
Taoism Shit happens.
Buddhism If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism This shit happened before.
Catholicism Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism Send more shit.
Atheism No shit.
Jehova's Witness Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism What is shit anyway?
Stoicism This shit doesn't bother me.

Kittens
A man sees a boy with a box of kittens The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens".

About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens"

The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now"

Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A: For fingering A minor.

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

Saint Peter St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?



If bars aren't allowed to serve drunk people, then why is McDonald's still allowed to serve fat people?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

what do butterflies feel in their stomach when they're in love?

why can't our mind tell the difference between hungry & bored?

Why is pizza round but come in a square box.

can you cry under water?

Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?

Do penguins have knees?

Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its turning on?

Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?

If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?

Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?

If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?

If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

Can a comedian bound to a wheelchair do standup?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

If a hermaphrodite got sent to a gender specific prison, which one would it get sent to?

What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why are violets blue and not violet?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why can't we tickle ourselves?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

Why do they call the piece of wood a two-by-four if it's only 1 3/4" x 3 1/2"?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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05-09-2016, 04:47 PM (This post was last modified: 05-09-2016 04:50 PM by Old Man Marsh.)
RE: Just jokes
A blonde and a brunette were sitting at a bar, watching the six o'clock news. The breaking story shows footage of a man leaning off of a bridge and threatening to jump. The brunette leans over to the blonde and says, "Five bucks says that he jumps." The blonde snickers and says, "Your on!"

After about a minute and a half, the TV shows the guy leap from the bridge into the river below.

The blonde, hand the brunette her five, is aghast. "How did you know that he would jump?" Slipping the five into her purse, the brunette says, "Easy! I caught the story on the five o'clock news an hour ago."

"Wow! So did I," said the blonde, "but I didn't think that he'd do it again!"

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

Alouette, je te plumerai.
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06-09-2016, 12:44 PM (This post was last modified: 06-09-2016 12:48 PM by Gloucester.)
RE: Just jokes
[Image: fw4p38.jpg]

I know there are two "policy"s!

Only have image version now, not going to type it all out again!

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
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06-09-2016, 01:56 PM
RE: Just jokes
I worked as a Systems Engineer back in the late '80s to early '90s. This list brings back some memories. Scott Adams has some great stuff along this line.

One of my favorite Dilbert cartoons:

http://dilbert.com/strip/1996-05-02
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06-09-2016, 02:06 PM
RE: Just jokes
(06-09-2016 01:56 PM)Fireball Wrote:  I worked as a Systems Engineer back in the late '80s to early '90s. This list brings back some memories. Scott Adams has some great stuff along this line.

One of my favorite Dilbert cartoons:

http://dilbert.com/strip/1996-05-02
Thumbsup


Never did serious stuff but well remember Programming in Basic and having DOS on my first PC.

UGI? Wassat?

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