Just jokes
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10-10-2016, 11:11 AM
RE: Just jokes
I don't trust atoms, I hear they make up everything.

Need to think of a witty signature.
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14-11-2016, 06:03 PM
RE: Just jokes
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
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12-12-2016, 01:03 PM
RE: Just jokes
Bloke hoes to see the dicgor.

"I have this terrible flatulence. There's no smell and they are silent but I feel uncomfortable. Oh, dear, there goes one now!"

"Hmm," says the dictor, "get this prescription filled and come back in a week."

A week later the chap is back in the surgery.

"Well, says the doc, "did that medication make any difference."

"Yes," says the chap, "the problem is just as frequent but now they smell terrible!"

"Good," replies the doctor, "that's got your sense of smell fixed now let's try to sort out your hearing."

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
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20-01-2017, 06:27 PM
RE: Just jokes
YOU WILL NOT believe what just happened!! I’m at the Flying J getting my coffee just now when I walked up and notice two police officers looking at this young lady who was smoking while pumping her gas. I was like, This chick is TRIPPIN! I went in, got my coffee and as I was checking out I hear somebody screaming. I look outside and the girl's arm was on fire!!

She was waving her arm around and just going crazy. The police threw her to the ground and were putting the fire out with an extinguisher. When I walked out, the officers had handcuffs on her and were about to put her in the back of the car and I was like, “What the?!” So being the concerned one , I asked the officers what they were arresting her for, figuring that her arm on fire was enough punishment. He looked me dead in the eye and said, …….

“For waving a Firearm.”
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25-01-2017, 10:16 PM
RE: Just jokes
MOAR Levity! Fuck the Chump!

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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25-01-2017, 10:17 PM
RE: Just jokes
A MAN WHO JUST DIED IS DELIVERED TO A LOCAL MORTUARY WEARING AN EXPENSIVE, EXPERTLY TAILORED BLACK SUIT.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out
that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants
him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what… it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous
blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very
grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with her blank check back.

How much did you spend?’
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked
his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’
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26-01-2017, 04:54 AM
RE: Just jokes
A man walks into a bar. His name is Richard Spencer.

If we came from dust, then why is there still dust?
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27-01-2017, 08:52 PM
RE: Just jokes
Beer Can Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas and parts of Missouri.
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10-02-2017, 03:01 PM
RE: Just jokes
Time for more!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

’’Good Heavens, ‘said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story’?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
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10-02-2017, 04:07 PM
RE: Just jokes
Squirrel Problems At Churches


There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen another squirrel since.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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