Just jokes
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23-02-2017, 07:38 PM
RE: Just jokes
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.

His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been
thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied: “I wasn’t.”
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13-03-2017, 07:34 PM
RE: Just jokes
C'mon people! Post some jokes!

Here's one-

Students at a local college were assigned to read two books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton.
They were asked to do a book report and contrast the 2 books.
One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

Titanic: Cost = $29.99
Clinton : Cost = $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Roses dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica’s.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Lets not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica… Ooh, lets not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary; basically the same thing.

His professor gave him an A+
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31-03-2017, 07:39 AM
RE: Just jokes
Heard at work, a "yo mama" joke.

"Yo Mama is so classless she's a Marxist utopia!"

Need to think of a witty signature.
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31-03-2017, 07:31 PM
RE: Just jokes
Ever hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Ignorance is not to be ignored.

Check out my DA gallery! http://oo-kiri-oo.deviantart.com/gallery/
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31-03-2017, 09:15 PM
RE: Just jokes
The local convent was organizing a charity bakesale with a nearby monastery, but with some last-minute difficulties, Brother Gregory had to walk over to the convent so that he and the Mother Superior could iron out the problems.

Now, the convent was in a pretty rough part of town, and Brother Gregory had to make his way past whores plying their trade. Finally, though, he got to the convent, where he and the Mother Superior got down to business. After making all the arrangements, the nun asked the monk if he had any more questions.

"Why, yes, Mother Superior," he said, and explained how he had walked over to the convent. "Now, I know what a 'good time' is, Mary Agnes," he finished up, "But what, pray tell, is a 'blow job'?"

"Oh," she replied, "Ten bucks, same as downtown."
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01-04-2017, 05:47 AM
RE: Just jokes
One day a lone gorilla wanders down to the watering hole to get a drink. At the watering hole there's a big lion. Now, the gorilla hasn't had any ass in a few months, and is a little hard-up, so while the lion is focused on slaking his thirst the gorilla runs down there and butt-rapes the lion.

Of course, the angry lion immediately starts chasing the gorilla through the jungle. At first the gorilla has a good lead, but it's shrinking, and the gorilla can hear the lion getting closer. In a stroke of luck he runs across a hunter's camp, replete with tent and outside table, set up in a clearing. Thinking quick, the gorilla runs into the tent, dons some khakis and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of the Nairobi Times, and sits down at the table reading the paper right as the lion comes screaming through the clearing.

"Hey, did you see a gorilla come running through here just a couple of minutes ago?" the lion asks.

"You mean the one who butt-raped the lion down at the watering hole?"

The lion slaps his forehead, stunned. "Jesus Christ," he says, "It's hit the papers already?"
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11-04-2017, 08:27 PM
RE: Just jokes
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.

‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered.

‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the s—t out of all of you!’

St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?

‘Couple of minutes ago.’
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11-04-2017, 08:28 PM
RE: Just jokes
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. “Hi, sweetheart,” he says. “Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
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11-04-2017, 08:30 PM
RE: Just jokes
Two women were talking in Heaven.

Hi, Sylvia! How’d you die?

I froze to death.

How horrible said the other woman!

It wasn’t so bad replied Sylvia. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy. Eventually I died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early so that I could catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched. Then I scurried down into the basement. After that, I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere! Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer. We’d both still be alive.
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11-04-2017, 08:48 PM
Just jokes
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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