Let's talk about Christ's genitalia
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17-01-2013, 11:23 PM
Let's talk about Christ's genitalia
So here's the thing. Jesus Christ has a penis. He was born as a regular child and was circumcised in Luke 2:21. I was thinking how silly it is that Christians still picture Jesus as a blond-haired, blue-eyed white man born in Israel, wearing a robe. I assume they do this because to picture Jesus in a pair of blue jeans and a blazer would look silly. Even Jesus in a tuxedo is a bit much. So people are content to picture Jesus in a robe, because to them a robe is very godly. Zeus wore a robe. Apollo wore a robe. Every single god dreamt up in the time of robes... wore a robe.

But real life robes are not godly. I spent 30 months in Iraq, where the entire populace still wears robes, and I gotta emphasize, robes are gross. Dirty men wearing table clothes who roll them up to their knees when they're hot. They blow in the breeze and more often than you would prefer, you catch a glimpse of some dirty man's junk or butt. So naturally, I concluded that in heaven, if Jesus bent or shifted in the wrong way at the wrong time and you happened to look over...

...you would totally see Jesus Christ's balls.



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18-01-2013, 01:35 AM
RE: Let's talk about Christ's genitalia
I loled.

Having said that, I'm sure the apostles weren't 14-year-old boys who snickered and snapped photos on their allseeingiPhones and posted them on Twitter.
(Couldn't come up with a religious pun for Twitter)

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18-01-2013, 01:47 AM
RE: Let's talk about Christ's genitalia
(17-01-2013 11:23 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  So here's the thing. Jesus Christ has a penis. He was born as a regular child and was circumcised in Luke 2:21. I was thinking how silly it is that Christians still picture Jesus as a blond-haired, blue-eyed white man born in Israel, wearing a robe. I assume they do this because to picture Jesus in a pair of blue jeans and a blazer would look silly. Even Jesus in a tuxedo is a bit much. So people are content to picture Jesus in a robe, because to them a robe is very godly. Zeus wore a robe. Apollo wore a robe. Every single god dreamt up in the time of robes... wore a robe.

But real life robes are not godly. I spent 30 months in Iraq, where the entire populace still wears robes, and I gotta emphasize, robes are gross. Dirty men wearing table clothes who roll them up to their knees when they're hot. They blow in the breeze and more often than you would prefer, you catch a glimpse of some dirty man's junk or butt. So naturally, I concluded that in heaven, if Jesus bent or shifted in the wrong way at the wrong time and you happened to look over...

...you would totally see Jesus Christ's balls.



[Image: 32054665.jpg]

Is that anything like the Scotsman and his kilt?

Really don't think I'd want to see Jesus' junk...unless it was impressive....but it was probably just average....


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18-01-2013, 02:14 AM
RE: Let's talk about Christ's genitalia
(18-01-2013 01:47 AM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  
(17-01-2013 11:23 PM)Buddy Christ Wrote:  So here's the thing. Jesus Christ has a penis. He was born as a regular child and was circumcised in Luke 2:21. I was thinking how silly it is that Christians still picture Jesus as a blond-haired, blue-eyed white man born in Israel, wearing a robe. I assume they do this because to picture Jesus in a pair of blue jeans and a blazer would look silly. Even Jesus in a tuxedo is a bit much. So people are content to picture Jesus in a robe, because to them a robe is very godly. Zeus wore a robe. Apollo wore a robe. Every single god dreamt up in the time of robes... wore a robe.

But real life robes are not godly. I spent 30 months in Iraq, where the entire populace still wears robes, and I gotta emphasize, robes are gross. Dirty men wearing table clothes who roll them up to their knees when they're hot. They blow in the breeze and more often than you would prefer, you catch a glimpse of some dirty man's junk or butt. So naturally, I concluded that in heaven, if Jesus bent or shifted in the wrong way at the wrong time and you happened to look over...

...you would totally see Jesus Christ's balls.



[Image: 32054665.jpg]

Is that anything like the Scotsman and his kilt?

Really don't think I'd want to see Jesus' junk...unless it was impressive....but it was probably just average....

Well, logically, it would HAVE to be the biggest junk you've ever seen. It wouldn't be acceptable that a mere human is better endowed than the son of God. If Jesus did porn, it would be heavenly. He would shower his partner with his blessings and she would be saved through his seminal sacrifice. She'd get on her knees and be baptized in the fluids of the Lord.

If that ain't blasphemy, I don't know what is.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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18-01-2013, 03:22 AM (This post was last modified: 19-01-2013 02:13 AM by Dark Light.)
RE: Let's talk about Christ's genitalia
Most of the western depictions of Jesus...that is Jesus of Nazareth, not the guy standing outside of Lowe's (get over it)... that I've seen is of a brown-haired Jesus, with blue or brown eyes. Jesus (for the sake of argument lets assume that he was a real person) almost certainly had brown hair or black hair and brown eyes...not sure if I would call the clothes they wear over there in hell 'robes' though. Well, actually I am being polite, I would not call them robes. Dirty? Yes. Robes? Nah, not quite, but even so, as far as I know Jesus' clothes were never described in the bible, nor his appearance so it's all just conjecture. Then again I don't know my bible, wish we had the Hellbound Preacher here. I did see a piece on the History channel about what Jesus probably looked like some time ago based on what the average male from his time and area looked like. Black hair, kind of mullet looking choppy hair-cut, a little on the short side and brown eyes of course.

Where exactly were you at? I spent most of my time in the Parwan province, there were quite a few local whities, some with red and blonde hair due to breeding with the peoples up north and some were more Asian looking due to Ghengis Kahn (sp?) hordes. Wonder how much mixing there was going on before Jesus time? Any? Evidence? For all I know it is possible that Jesus was a ginger, now that would be funny. Ginger Jesus Wink

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18-01-2013, 06:49 PM
RE: Let's talk about Christ's genitalia
There was a salty old black guy I used to work with who claimed that Jesus was black.

For some reason, that really pissed off one of our coworkers. So much so that he got up and walked out of the room.He never otherwise displayed any racist tendencies, so I could never figure that one out. Consider The only explanation he gave was that "it was uncalled for".

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18-01-2013, 06:51 PM
RE: Let's talk about Christ's genitalia
(18-01-2013 06:49 PM)Misanthropik Wrote:  There was a salty old black guy I used to work with who claimed that Jesus was black.

For some reason, that really pissed off one of our coworkers. So much so that he got up and walked out of the room.He never otherwise displayed any racist tendencies, so I could never figure that one out. Consider The only explanation he gave was that "it was uncalled for".

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Well, Jesus certainly wasn't 'white'.

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18-01-2013, 06:58 PM
RE: Let's talk about Christ's genitalia
(18-01-2013 06:51 PM)Chas Wrote:  
(18-01-2013 06:49 PM)Misanthropik Wrote:  There was a salty old black guy I used to work with who claimed that Jesus was black.

For some reason, that really pissed off one of our coworkers. So much so that he got up and walked out of the room.He never otherwise displayed any racist tendencies, so I could never figure that one out. Consider The only explanation he gave was that "it was uncalled for".

Weird people. Drinking Beverage
Well, Jesus certainly wasn't 'white'.
I was gonna explain to him that if Jesus existed at all, he hailed from a time and region where he would likely have been much darker skinned, but I thought it best not to rock the boat too much. Blush

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18-01-2013, 07:29 PM
RE: Let's talk about Christ's genitalia
Can't.... stop.... laughing.....

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18-01-2013, 08:21 PM
RE: Let's talk about Christ's genitalia
I must say. I am slightly unnerved by your coming up with this. I want to know how the hell you came upon this thought but then again I really don't.

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