Let's write a book together
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19-08-2011, 03:22 AM
RE: Let's write a book together
Here is our story so far...

Once upon a time in beautiful kingdom far far away, there was an atheist dwarf that was in desperate need of human baby meat for his renowned 'immoral cannibal burger deluxe'. One day while he was walking round thinking about his "burger deluxe" he came up with a brilliant idea, but at that moment something distracted him. It was a spiritual being, called: The voice of reason. The voice was none other than the soothing voice of Morgan Freeman, who proceeded to proclaim to him a horrible disaster that will strike the planet Earth in 3 days. Astounded, he tried to communicate with the voice, yelling, "Can I stop it?!" The voice replied "Yes, but not alone, you will need help"! The voice continued, "March into the city of Nog, and gather 300 men, then bring them to this location, I will give the 301 of you more instructions once you arrive." And so our hero's journey began, taking with him only his walking stick, iPad 2 and a picture of Richard Dawkins in a pink bikini. On his travels he came across foul beasts called Christians. They're odors where far worse then anything imaginable, there skin covered in scales. He panicked at the sight of these foul beasts, so he opened his iPad 2, and googled how to defeat these creatures. But he couldn't even connect, because Internet had been cut off by the King who was tired of flash mobs wrecking havoc in his kingdom. He then took the Dawkins bikini picture and showed it to the beasts who, sadly enough, were not impressed, but preferred debating the picture with faulty arguments and logical fallacies. The Christians came closer... They sprinkled him with holy water and chanted "the power of Christ compels you!" ...And came closer again... So Monty, our friendly lil non believer, decided to challenge these evil Christians to a riddle, for his passage. The riddle was: "If god is all good, why is there evil?" The Christians began to turn red and struggle to breath, they attempted to answer mumbling incoherent babble about 'free will' and 'mysterious ways' but they were no match for the riddle and were eventually overcome, falling to the ground unconscious. Our hero thought the Christians defeated. That's when they unleashed their deadliest weapon. A huge beast reared up from among the the crowd, far more horrific than the rest of the Christians combined, feral though cunning and inherently evil, a beast by the name of Kent Hovind! Hovind began to shout some shit about a −300 °F ice meteor hitting the earth causing a flood. Our hero clearly taken aback by the stupidity he was hearing counter attacked with logical arguments based on empirical evidence, but Hovind was immune to these attacks by placing his fingers in his ears and reciting the ancient spell of "lalala I can't hear you I'm right your wrong lalala", all hope seemed lost when suddenly. So while Hovind's hands were busy being stuck over his ears, our hero kicked him square in the nuts: after all, he was an atheist and not bound by the biblical Commandment "Thou shall not kick fundies in the nuts". After seeing this, this first group of Christians stepped aside allowing his passage while they were still able to "Be fruitful and multiply". After this encounter, our hero reached the city of Nog after 5 days of marching, only to realize the place was entirely inhabited by Elvis imitators. Our hero pulls the boombox out of his backpack and connects the ipod2 headphone output to the boom-box. Being cheap mass produced Apple rubbish the iPod2 GUI locks up and starts playing a Justin Bieber song on infinite repeat at maximum volume. Over 300 Elvis Impersonators surround him angrily. The impersonators begin to stone him, but not in the biblical sense if you catch my drift. Overwhelmed by the toxic yet seemingly pleasant gas, our hero has, for no reason, unlocked his latent superpowers secretly granted to him by the FBI - THE POWER OF PUNCHING SOMETHING AND SETTING IT ON FIRE SIMULTANEOUSLY! He wanted to use his super powers but he was afraid to use it against the elvish pointy ears and bows. The unholy fumes started to make everybody hungry so the people of Nog gathered their eggs, and made egg Nog. While mellowing out, Monty showed them his copy of Mars Attacks, and they were much taken by the ending.

P.S.
ONE sentence, not two or three... ONE! I have made small corrections to some words/lines.

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I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.
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19-08-2011, 05:22 AM
RE: Let's write a book together
31) Suddenly, the ground erupted with icy tendrils!

Welcome to science. You're gonna like it here - Phil Plait

Have you ever tried taking a comfort blanket away from a small child? - DLJ
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19-08-2011, 06:51 AM
RE: Let's write a book together
Jumping in fear the Elvis impersonators spill their Eggnog all over the icy tendrils, and they start crying.

“Forget Jesus, the stars died so you could be born.” - Lawrence M. Krauss
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19-08-2011, 08:03 AM
RE: Let's write a book together
(19-08-2011 06:51 AM)DeepThought Wrote:  Jumping in fear the Elvis impersonators spill their Eggnog all over the icy tendrils, and they start crying.

Luckly the eggnog melted the icy tendrils but the problem of having no eggnog to drink still remained open for monty/the next poster to solve.

«Είμα Ανθρώπου. Είμαι όλοι για μένα. Δεν υπάρχουν Θεοί».
Ωμέγα Γάμμα
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19-08-2011, 11:04 AM
RE: Let's write a book together
34) At this point the atheist dwarf was about to give in to despair, but suddenly realized how good he had it: if instead of Nog he'd found himself in Sodom, he'd have had to get to know every man, from child to old geezer, in the Biblical sense, and suddenly he stopped crying over the spilled egg nog.

English is not my first language. If you think I am being mean, ask me. It could be just a wording problem.
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19-08-2011, 11:43 AM
RE: Let's write a book together
He said: People... I need to get to know 300 of you...

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Agnostic atheist
Secular humanist
Emotional rationalist
Disclaimer: Don’t mix the personal opinion above with the absolute and objective truth. Remember to think for yourself. Thank you.
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19-08-2011, 05:38 PM
RE: Let's write a book together
And then he masturbated.

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
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19-08-2011, 05:40 PM (This post was last modified: 19-08-2011 07:52 PM by Hughsie.)
RE: Let's write a book together
37) The voice of Morgan Freeman boomed out "did I ask you to do that, stick to the plan asshole, gather your 300 soldiers and I shall reveal my true identity"!

Best and worst of Ferdinand .....
Best
Ferdinand: We don't really say 'theist' in Alabama. Here, you're either a Christian, or you're from Afghanistan and we fucking hate you.
Worst
Ferdinand: Everyone from British is so, like, fucking retarded.
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19-08-2011, 06:17 PM
RE: Let's write a book together
Each of the 300 looked like Gerard Butler, with a funny beard and a 6-pack.

English is not my first language. If you think I am being mean, ask me. It could be just a wording problem.
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19-08-2011, 06:47 PM
RE: Let's write a book together
and their accent was scottish for some reason even though they were clearly greek. (Its a plot hole that we choose to ignore).

Behold the power of the force!
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