Life and help
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27-05-2017, 06:42 PM
Life and help
Warning the following may contain graphic situations, though for once I have no plans or intention of being vulgar.

(I'll be using first name's only since it would be damn near impossible for anyone to find out who these people are armed only with that)

This is in the personal support section because I prolly need help, however I'm also far too stupid to even know what I need or how to seek it.

We can begin with rape, though I was far too young to really remember it well. The first was a man and that's really all I want to say about it.

After that we get onto some young love situations which really didn't exist because I pretty much just had... hmm... a crush on a couple people but never shared that with them, again my memory is too fuzzy this young to really remember any details anyway this young. I played baseball, went to school, encountered some of my first bullies. I managed to make a single friend, and life kinda went on. When I went to Japan I remember getting into a fight with my cousin, this is the only time I ever hit a girl, she hit me and I hit her back, smack in the center of her chest. Of course we were both only I think 6 or 7 years old at the time and not nearly developed enough to really harm each other. I didn't need anyone to reprimand me I felt so awful about it I never did it again, even when the girls in my life upgraded from fists to knives and plates ect. I did hit guys though, if I hadn't I wouldn't be alive today. All of this was when I lived in California

we can fast forward a few years to about 12-16 when I first started having girlfriends, I remember my first, her name was Karen we had a mutual friend named Michelle. I liked Michelle she was a good friend, she had a stutter and was big.. not fat.. big enough to pick me up and break me like a twig. But she was really nice and sweet and I enjoyed hanging out with her, I only mention those things because a lot of boys didn't like her as a result and she felt very lonely. However I did like her, I was even somewhat attracted to her, but I was really attracted to Karen. Karen had convinced me that in order to date her I needed to also date Michelle, only I was expected to keep this arrangement from Michelle, I was stupid and went along with it. Many weird and awkward situations came from this but nothing too serious. Valentines day of the same year I went to the theater to meet Karen, and I found her, hanging out of the car making out with some boy I'd never met before. She saw me and came up to me, I guess he saw the gift I had in my hand because he started screaming at me and threatening me. I was a bit too upset and the betrayal to even care about him, I didn't say anything just kinda stood there shocked, then I turned away. A few weeks later she showed up at my house with a broken arm, I always assumed it was from the other guy. I remember her asking me "Do I really need to pick" And I just said "you already did" and turned and walked back into my house. I never saw her again. I also dated a few other girls, whom I really liked but never seemed to develop further and I couldn't figure out why. They seemed to like me too but maybe it's because I moved around so much I had no idea how things were supposed to work in a relationship intended to last more than a few weeks to a year. I remember my grandma and mom taught me to sew, cook, clean, I remember my moms sister getting PISSED at me for doing my own dishes and laundry (in her house she did everything). My mom's friends would joke and say "You're gonna make a great housewife one day" they thought this was the funniest thing in the world, honestly it just annoyed me. I already knew I was different and didn't need that pointed out more. I lacked some of the drive other boys had I guess, and because of this I was often bullied, I found I had to always work twice as hard to earn peoples respect, especially cause I was smaller than other guys (oh and I listen and rarely forget anything, I was out with a client the other day and his wife asked him to get broccoli, he got celery instead, I pointed it out to him and saved him from getting scolded, I had to endure pretty much a 10 hour day of them asking me why I'm not married and how I need to find a woman to take care of me, I kinda agree but...). Remember that 1 friend I made early in grade school? Yea I only knew him for a year or two before moving away. He was pretty much the last friend I had until adulthood. And so things continued, I was raised in a very sheltered environment christian schools except for 1 year at a public school 4th grade, In the 6th grade a kid named nick started terrorizing his sister claiming I was bragging I was going to rape her. This was odd to me not just because I'd never heard the word rape before this time (in fact when it happened my mom never told me what it was I was accused of even, I didn't learn until many years later, nick also called me fag and other things which I was never told what they were until many years later). Eventually he confessed to making it up. I mean I know his sister went to the same school, well no I really am not even sure of that, to my knowledge I had never spoken to her or seen her before even a single time yet she must have seen me around in the parking lot or something. My reward for this false accusation? I had to go spend time with him and his family..... yea... It was pretty fucked up nick hated me and I pretty much hated EVERYONE in the 6th grade (except for Vera whom I never even said hi to, I just was too worried she'd hate me too). And this was life until 16 when I ran away from home and lived with an Uncle for a short time. I was regularly visiting my grandma at the time and my grandma kinda convinced me to date her nurse named summer... Yes I was 16 and she was quite a bit NOT 16, our first date went horribly wrong. She wanted to go back and watch TV at my uncles, he was out at the time, and she started to come onto me she said she was gay and had a girlfriend and wasn't sure if she was really gay or not so she wanted to do stuff with me to find out. which was fine except not. She was going way too fast and I started to panic. When I said no she didn't care. This continued and I didn't know if/when it would stop I couldn't do anything to her to stop her and I didn't know what to do. I literally started repeating books I had memorized, encyclopedia articles ect (cause I was a nerd) and apparently that eventually killed the mood. I took her home and never saw her again. I didn't date in high school, there were 2 girls I liked not romantically but they were kinda nice to me, I mean only when no one was around they were both very popular and I was a known loner. People made jokes about me being the school shooter type, bullied me, I kinda remember after one of the more well known shootings some kids came up to me and begged me not to kill them. I'd say they were being assholes but they clearly really meant it, they were scared. Which was stupid I mostly never talked to anyone, just did my thing and tried to avoid people as much as possible. I have far more to fear from others than they have to fear from me. Sam and her sister Becky though they were nice to me, they'd talk to me. I even had gotten both of their numbers and we would talk outside school sometimes. Then they both got shitfaced at a party, The older sister Sam had the younger sister Becky drive cause "I'm too drunk" Becky didn't have her license yet she wrapped the car around a tree and Sam died. Last time I talked to Becky she was so stoned on medical morphine she didn't even know what had happened. I heard the mom tried to press charges against her daughter and the parents got divorced. AND THEN I TURNED 18 and moved back to California. Fourth of July came around I walked out into the kitchen in my underwear and a beautiful woman was in the living room (thankfully) with her back turned to me. I slowly crept back into my room got cleaned up (and dressed of course) and came out. It was love at first sight, or so I thought. I was wild about her, I'd spend 12 hours all night driving for work then come home and drive another 3 hours to go see her. Eventually my dad kicked me out of the house and once I had my own place she moved in, her parents found out and holy shit that was a problem lol. But despite it all we got married in a public courthouse with only my brother and one cousin as witnesses (my brother pointed out that her dress was a bit see through under the light of the courthouse... >.< he's always been a bit too blunt)

She and I rarely fought and I was very happy, when she did get mad she'd throw things, or hit, or bite, but it wasn't that often. Honestly the reasons I know she got tired of me? I had no friends, none of her friends liked me, I spent my time working and supporting her and didn't go out to party or drink (I've never been into that, it's just noisy and uncomfortable and people act weird) I was perfectly happy though, I'd bring her gifts, we'd go out just not to keggers like kids because well we weren't kids. We had ups and downs I think the final straw was when the economy turned south and the best job I could find was retail, which could no longer support the lifestyle she was used to. She started working and never forgave me for that. Now keep in mind I'm not a "Traditionalist" or whatever, I'd actually be quite happy as a stay at home dad, cooking, cleaning, raising children. I'm happy with a 50/50 split, or being the "bread winner" Honestly it makes no difference as long as everyone is happy, no one cheats and the relationship lasts. but after about 6 years she started going out to party with friends, getting drunk, fucking people, then coming home cause she hadn't had enough and fucking me while talking about the other people she had been fucking. Of course sober she never brought it up, and neither did I. I figured nothing I could do could change a damn thing. I just did my best, I had finally gotten a job in the oil fields and was making good money and she was still working and was mostly fucking her boss (whom she later ran off with). I was gone 72 hours at a time on the rig working, killing myself for her both literally and figuratively knowing full well she was having him over while I was gone. Still I never complained until she left one of those "dear John" letters on the bed saying she had never loved me. Never saw her again, she mailed the divorce papers, her friends treated me like shit when I tried to take her things to her work for her (I just left what I could there for her, told her I was going away and she could get the rest, she didn't) Then I got rid of almost everything I owned and hit the road. The rest of this story is pretty well known in other posts of mine. I'm not complaining, I'd like to know what the fuck I could have done better. What was I always doing wrong? Or is it that because I'm the wrong gender by default I'm worthless and disgusting and deserve how I've been treated? Because that's how people today make me feel, that's how they talk about me, even here. How do I find a place where I can trust anyone? for the sake of brevity I've prolly only shared about 20% of the experiences I could have shared There are far more people in this story than just the one's I've mentioned. The one's listed here are the least bad experiences. I did try dating guys once because I was so.... just... I don't know hopeless. Well he wasn't any better, he literally kept saying he was going to rape me, I told him he wasn't and if he kept saying so I'd walk, he did so I walked. It's not that I don't trust 1 group of people, I don't trust anyone. I don't have friends with very few exceptions, those people have shown me with actions not words that I can trust them. But there's really only 1 or 2 people in my life that have gone that far. I've only recently started changing and being vocal about stuff, from religion to how people treat one another. I've only recently started thinking and trying to be less nice to people as a means to protect myself.

So I'd like some real help understanding how to turn all this shit around and have the decent life everyone else seems to get by default.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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27-05-2017, 08:35 PM
RE: Life and help
That's some pretty heavy shit to go through, in one life. I don't have a lot of advice, other than that maybe a professional could help. I know that dough is scarce, so that may be an issue. I was small growing up, too, and got in so many fights that it pretty much is most of what I remember of my school years. I won't say more; it's your thread. I'm sure some people will show up with some helpful advice. ((Bro Hug))
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27-05-2017, 08:41 PM
RE: Life and help
Thanks Fireball, I'd like some real answers for once. I have spoken with therapists before however they never really seemed to help much. Most didn't even seem to care.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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27-05-2017, 10:49 PM (This post was last modified: 27-05-2017 11:01 PM by JesseB.)
RE: Life and help
Provided mom has no issue with me continuing, I think I'm gonna finish what I started here. The last part is going to be the hardest, it wasn't my last relationship but it was the one that did the most damage, it wasn't till then that I started to change. Before then I was always happy, no matter what anyone did to me, like water off a ducks back, if you talked to me 5 years ago about my past relationships the story would have sounded a lot better. I was never one to outright lie about it, but I'd spin it to sound less bad than it was. AND I kept things to myself a lot more.

After my ex ran off I moved north. I was bound and determined not to be destroyed by my past or weighed down, so I found a way to put myself through 2 years of college, it was brutal and a lot of weeks I had nothing but a bag of chips or ramen to survive on, but for most of my time there I maintained a 4.0GPA and perfect attendance, I was proud of what I was accomplishing. Shortly before that an old gaming friend of mine from World of Warcraft called me up on a stupid promise I made "If your wife ever leaves you you're gonna come over here and marry me ok" .... sure whatever (This was long before I ever thought I might one day be divorced, she was sad and lonely so I humored her) WELL APPARENTLY she was more serious about this that I realized, we dated for a bit over a year and were even engaged. She had anger issues not hitting or anything just a lot of yelling and "OMG I"M GOING TO KILL MYSELF" drama shit, me she always said "you're always chill as a cucumber" because in real life I don't like to show emotions much I usually prefer to go with the flow and be nice to everyone all the time even when they don't deserve it. In real life it takes a lot to set me off, even still. Well when I told her I didn't want to marry her (we had moved in together and I was in college already I want to say 2 terms in) She lost it, I hid in her daughters room (daughter went to sleep in moms room) and I stayed there until I could find my own place and move out. They would walk by the door and bang on it scream and yell at me, then they tried to make shit up about me on facebook and with my family n stuff. The claims were so outragous even my family that hates my guts and try's to say I'm autistic n shit couldn't believe them. I moved out into my own place much closer to school and kept going... That's when I met Amy. And this isn't easy to talk about. Amy was married, I was friends at the time with her husband. He would come over and play video games at my house while I studied and mostly ignored him, so if you can call that friends. I'd tell him "dude shouldn't you like go home and see your kids?" It started subtly earning my sympathy first, he was a creep, he treated her like shit and I would call him on it, which he didn't like much. She would start texting me asking me to invite him over and keep him away when she was mad at him stuff like that. We talked and had fun, and she left him. BUT not for me. we did however enter into a relationship after that with some rules...

1. I was never to make her feel guilty about anything ever
2. I always had to take her side on everything
3. She wasn't into committed relationships anymore, I was allowed to be around cause I was "special" but she was in no way committed to me (though I was expected to be fully committed to her)
4. No expectations. Ever.
5. Life for her was expected to always be easy, it was my job to make sure that happened.

The implications of these rules weren't things that sunk in at first. There were other rules too but they don't come into play for a long time. Slowly she sucked me into her world, She said she wanted to take the kids and move to Texas (and keeping the father far away from them). So I moved to Texas, I got a job, I got a big place for everyone. I made mistake number 1, She wanted Dallas, I wasn't able to find a job in Dallas I ended up in Austin (she never came to Texas and I don't think she ever planned on it, just another of her lies). I was lonely so she decided she'd include me in a little "game" she was playing. She was flirting with several girls online, she had made an identity online of being a trans woman that had not yet had surgery. She created a large part of an identity for me and I was instructed only to talk to these girls and have fun and be nice (like I usually am), and be social. This was because she wasn't very social and didn't like social situations I was there to.... be the ice breaker I guess.... Eventually things got steamy if you will, she had come up with so many lies for everyone and I was expected to manage it. I was supposed to be gay and struggling to deal with her "transition" (I was her gay boyfriend I mean) she even contemplated getting surgery to become male so she could meet these girls and better play the part (without them catching on). She would often talk to about people as being pieces on a board that she reviled in moving about. OH but not me... I was "special" privy to all her secrets. And this is the funny thing, because this is the first time I've ever talked about this openly with anyone, let alone a large group. Somewhere deep down I still feel.... idk obligated to her. I know if she ever read this even though no one can find out who she is through it she would consider it a betrayal and she would come after me. And I'm not joking when she confided in me several times that she had people killed before. I have no idea if she just made it up or really had followed through with it. Supposedly one of the girls she was pursuing through me had a stalker that was now "a blood stain in a dark ally" It was pretty fucked up on so many levels. Not the least of which was the growing insinuations that I better not fuck things up. Eventually when the group had become close enough she started to turn on me. She would arrange things that made me look bad, when I'd make mistakes she'd gang up with the other too to bully me and make me feel like shit, she drove me past the edge of my own sanity. I was still sending her money on a regular basis and paying for her cell phone (and replacing them when they broke) giving her and her kids tablets. I was well aware things had gone very wrong for a long time but I had no idea what to do at that point. Eventually she got what she wanted, the other two had turned completely on me and even if I had shown them every text every instruction every manipulation from beginning to end they wouldn't have believed me, but she didn't cut me off. She just kept them to herself and kept me separate pretending she had thrown me away. She kept this up until I stopped paying for her cell phones and sending her money, not until AFTER I had moved back to California. I even saw her once on a "date" with the kids before then (yes fucked up I know) I took her to Round table and had a really nice time under the hopes things could go back to the way they were in the beginning. This relationship lasted at least 3 years from beginning to end. I often lied to my parents about why I was broke, when I was in Texas I was encouraged to "date" girls and fuck but only if I was still loyal to Her and I had to tell her everything in my life every person I met and any instructions she gave me I followed (for instance she instructed me to start pretending to be by and acting kinda flamboyant so girls would be more accepting of me, which wasn't hard I wasn't really straight or bi per say... idk how to explain that I got no problem with the idea of sex with guys, i'm just not really that into it for the most part). I say I'm anti authoritarian, and I was before this and after. I still have no idea how she managed to get such complete control over me. I mean the sex with her was amazing, but it wasn't like I hadn't had amazing sex with my ex before, and with other people. I'm the type that thinks about my partner and the only thing that gets me excited is their excitement so I've always been the type to go out of my way in bed, at least when I feel safe enough to go to bed with someone in the first place.

After that was over I had 2 more, one was in another state, the entire time I was visiting her she had another guy in the living room and she mostly ignored me except at night when she wanted sex. I had intentionally "forgot" to buy condoms to avoid sex, I was very much on the fence, one night that wasn't enough she made it happen anyway (thankfully as far as I know she never got pregnant), the next day I didn't want her touching me I "pulled away" from her touch she got pissed started accusing me of random weird things to avoid admitting she was fucking another guy too AND had raped me. I came home, that relationship lasted all of about a week. It was also with a gamer friend of mine I had known online for many years prior. The last girl I dated was simply amazing in every way except one, she had built walls and there was no getting through them, she was kinky and fun and cute and cuddly.... but I couldn't get into her being so distant. So I dumped her.

And that kids is how NOT to date.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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27-05-2017, 10:56 PM
RE: Life and help
LOL I really posted that??!! Holy shit!

I was terrified I wouldn't be able to send it.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
Big Grin
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27-05-2017, 11:08 PM
RE: Life and help
It was Amy that got me to open up and talk about everything. Back then only with her, but I found I really needed that, or liked it, or something. And that's why now I tend to be pretty blunt and open. I don't have anyone to confide in so fuck it you all get to be my confidant now Tongue

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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27-05-2017, 11:41 PM
RE: Life and help
Hug


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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27-05-2017, 11:53 PM
RE: Life and help
@Momsurroundedbyboys
Mom, I'd just like to say thank you. For everything. It means a lot.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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28-05-2017, 02:53 AM
RE: Life and help
Hug
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28-05-2017, 02:54 AM
RE: Life and help
Hug
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