Life and help
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28-05-2017, 10:08 AM
RE: Life and help
I'm sorry to read what you went through *hugs* I'll just echo what FB said, when you are able to financially, find a good therapist. While you have been to therapists in the past, it could be that they were just the wrong fit. As such, it could be just a matter of finding the right one. You could also check with your local community to see if you qualify for any free services in which they could put you in touch with a therapist and or/support group. Hope all works out for you.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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28-05-2017, 12:54 PM
RE: Life and help
I think I don't agree with Jenny. I don't see anything that requires therapy.

Or if there is then I should get a therapist too... I identified with about 70% of what you wrote... mainly the first post.

You have an interesting (and quite difficult, for me at least) writing style. It reminded me of The Catcher in the Rye. I struggled with that too.

Anyhoo... what stands out (or maybe I'm projecting) is 'boundaries' and failure to establish them and/or the lack of self-conceit that makes one think that boundaries are even worth considering. This might be something worth thinking about.

Also, have a think about the rescuer-victim-persecutor triangle ... something about your story reminded me of that.

And on a related subject, check out Eric Berne's Games People Play ... it might help to hone your deceit-detector skills.

And in case you are curious as to whether your parents might have been insightful, have a go at an Aspie test like this one (which is quite basic but might give you some info to dig deeper - or not).

We can compare scores later.

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28-05-2017, 01:17 PM
RE: Life and help
(28-05-2017 12:54 PM)DLJ Wrote:  I think I don't agree with Jenny. I don't see anything that requires therapy.

Or if there is then I should get a therapist too... I identified with about 70% of what you wrote... mainly the first post.

You have an interesting (and quite difficult, for me at least) writing style. It reminded me of The Catcher in the Rye. I struggled with that too.

Anyhoo... what stands out (or maybe I'm projecting) is 'boundaries' and failure to establish them and/or the lack of self-conceit that makes one think that boundaries are even worth considering. This might be something worth thinking about.

Also, have a think about the rescuer-victim-persecutor triangle ... something about your story reminded me of that.

And on a related subject, check out Eric Berne's Games People Play ... it might help to hone your deceit-detector skills.

And in case you are curious as to whether your parents might have been insightful, have a go at an Aspie test like this one (which is quite basic but might give you some info to dig deeper - or not).

We can compare scores later.

I think you make some good points. The main thing that stands out for me in terms of the benefits of therapy would be the trauma of rape. I think that's really hard to process on your own and can impact other areas in your life, including your functioning and relationships with other people.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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28-05-2017, 01:18 PM (This post was last modified: 28-05-2017 01:23 PM by JesseB.)
RE: Life and help
Thanks DLJ, and thanks to everyone else who commented.

I didn't share my story for hugs or sympathy (though it is nice and appreciated), more for me what I need are tools? Ideas? Understanding? If that makes sense. I'm not the type to cry very often, though when things stay this bad this long without an opportunity for change I do get a bit.... Compromised.... quick to outburst. I don't particularly like that. I don't feel myself when that happens.

I don't know, but the score was 32. I'm not sure how reliable some internet "test" would be. My parents took me to countless psychologists when I was younger and the only thing they could come up with was "Pervasive Development Disorder not otherwise specified" AKA they had no clue, they kept telling my mom I seemed healthy and normal but they couldn't deny I had no friends. All they'd do is say, "He's very intelligent, has a unusually strong sense of right/wrong, and is unusually empathetic for his age"

However you're totally right, while it's easy to know when a person is lying to me, and it's easy to pick up on emotions through tiny body language, it's still damn near impossible to understand what the fuck is going on inside peoples heads, like I've been working on this to the exclusion of almost everything else for as long as I can remember. Just a survival thing ya know. I can never seem to understand what's really motivating a person. To put it in a way I tend to say it, people are confusing and scary as fuck. They are emotional and irrational and that makes them all dangerous. At least from my perspective.

Like I can easily tell what a person is feeling based on tiny changes in the face, yet I have no fucking clue what it means or what they'll do as a result. One thing I do know no one seems to ever respond the way I would, so It's hard to anticipate even with all the data I collect......

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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28-05-2017, 01:20 PM
RE: Life and help
(28-05-2017 01:17 PM)jennybee Wrote:  
(28-05-2017 12:54 PM)DLJ Wrote:  I think I don't agree with Jenny. I don't see anything that requires therapy.

Or if there is then I should get a therapist too... I identified with about 70% of what you wrote... mainly the first post.

You have an interesting (and quite difficult, for me at least) writing style. It reminded me of The Catcher in the Rye. I struggled with that too.

Anyhoo... what stands out (or maybe I'm projecting) is 'boundaries' and failure to establish them and/or the lack of self-conceit that makes one think that boundaries are even worth considering. This might be something worth thinking about.

Also, have a think about the rescuer-victim-persecutor triangle ... something about your story reminded me of that.

And on a related subject, check out Eric Berne's Games People Play ... it might help to hone your deceit-detector skills.

And in case you are curious as to whether your parents might have been insightful, have a go at an Aspie test like this one (which is quite basic but might give you some info to dig deeper - or not).

We can compare scores later.

I think you make some good points. The main thing that stands out for me in terms of the benefits of therapy would be the trauma of rape. I think that's really hard to process on your own and can impact other areas in your life, including your functioning and relationships with other people.

Honestly, rape is far less of a deal than never feeling loved..... I'd almost prefer to be raped constantly if only I wasn't thrown away (a weird fucked up thought I would have back when I was married, I was like "Ok I can survive this, just so long as she doesn't leave" idk if that makes any sense).

I guess what I'm trying to say is if it's not possible for anyone to love me (which is clearly the case), then at least not being discarded... idk...

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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28-05-2017, 01:31 PM
RE: Life and help
If I block someone that's making me uncomfortable will it prevent them from seeing my posts?

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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28-05-2017, 01:40 PM
RE: Life and help
(28-05-2017 12:54 PM)DLJ Wrote:  I think I don't agree with Jenny. I don't see anything that requires therapy.

Or if there is then I should get a therapist too... I identified with about 70% of what you wrote... mainly the first post.

You have an interesting (and quite difficult, for me at least) writing style. It reminded me of The Catcher in the Rye. I struggled with that too.

Anyhoo... what stands out (or maybe I'm projecting) is 'boundaries' and failure to establish them and/or the lack of self-conceit that makes one think that boundaries are even worth considering. This might be something worth thinking about.

Also, have a think about the rescuer-victim-persecutor triangle ... something about your story reminded me of that.

And on a related subject, check out Eric Berne's Games People Play ... it might help to hone your deceit-detector skills.

And in case you are curious as to whether your parents might have been insightful, have a go at an Aspie test like this one (which is quite basic but might give you some info to dig deeper - or not).

We can compare scores later.

Oh and the reason I write the way I do is I've practiced a lot. When I was little people would tell me I talked like I was in a movie, like everything I said was overly thought out and rigid... To be honest I really didn't care much to change until I started College, at which point I realized I wasn't going to survive in a social world unless I could find ways to blend in better. I think someone mentioned "blue collar scholar" in reference to my style, which I kinda liked seeing as most of the people I interact with are on the lower end of the educational spectrum and they are also the ones I have the most difficulty getting along with (I've found I usually fit in very well with educated people, but seeing as I'm never going to have an opportunity to gain a similar level of education their world will always be.... distant.... from mine).

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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28-05-2017, 06:39 PM
RE: Life and help
Wow. That must have taken a lot to write down. I can't imagine living it.

Hug

I'm going to agree with Jenny on this. Find yourself a good therapist. Not the nod and smile type. We're just a bunch of people on the internet with some pop-psych hunches. A good therapist will at least be able to confirm that you don't need a therapist.

(28-05-2017 01:20 PM)JesseB Wrote:  Honestly, rape is far less of a deal than never feeling loved..... I'd almost prefer to be raped constantly if only I wasn't thrown away (a weird fucked up thought I would have back when I was married, I was like "Ok I can survive this, just so long as she doesn't leave" idk if that makes any sense).

This statement strikes me as being particularly unhealthy. Basically you're saying that you want love so much that you're willing to accept abuse as the price. That isn't the basis for a stable long-term relationship. Your abuser doesn't love you. She just loves abusing you. The more you put up with it the more she'll escalate the abuse because she doesn't get off unless she's hurting you. In the end either you'll decide it's too much or she'll get bored and leave.

Stop settling for the lowest common denominator. There really are good women out there.

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Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
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28-05-2017, 07:09 PM (This post was last modified: 28-05-2017 07:14 PM by JesseB.)
RE: Life and help
(28-05-2017 06:39 PM)Paleophyte Wrote:  Wow. That must have taken a lot to write down. I can't imagine living it.

Hug

I'm going to agree with Jenny on this. Find yourself a good therapist. Not the nod and smile type. We're just a bunch of people on the internet with some pop-psych hunches. A good therapist will at least be able to confirm that you don't need a therapist.

(28-05-2017 01:20 PM)JesseB Wrote:  Honestly, rape is far less of a deal than never feeling loved..... I'd almost prefer to be raped constantly if only I wasn't thrown away (a weird fucked up thought I would have back when I was married, I was like "Ok I can survive this, just so long as she doesn't leave" idk if that makes any sense).

This statement strikes me as being particularly unhealthy. Basically you're saying that you want love so much that you're willing to accept abuse as the price. That isn't the basis for a stable long-term relationship. Your abuser doesn't love you. She just loves abusing you. The more you put up with it the more she'll escalate the abuse because she doesn't get off unless she's hurting you. In the end either you'll decide it's too much or she'll get bored and leave.

Stop settling for the lowest common denominator. There really are good women out there.

As for the second part I'm well aware of this. It's not like This is my main way of approaching things, it's just a thought I have sometimes. However you're right that I want love so much well you can put in anything after that you want. It's just a fact. But then again most people want to be loved, the ones that say they don't I think are lying. I've never seen anyone live in total isolation by choice, they just take for granted that they don't know what it's like to be rejected by all of humanity.

And yea ya'll are strangers on the internet. Your words are nice but.... how do I put it.... Actions speak louder than words? A real friend is far more meaningful than an Imaginary friend? People get some very strong emotional investments in people they don't even know online, but for me... Just doesn't do it. Not saying I want everyone online to go away, just saying it's really not near enough. I've lived mostly alone my entire adult life and I generally function pretty ok usually so it's not that I'm unable to be alone with myself, and given the number of times I've had sexual partners I don't think it's a confidence issue.

As for "lowest common denominator" well what else do you think is available to me? I'm a worthless nobody with no education no money and hmm how do I put it. OH I KNOW A girl walked up to me a couple weeks ago in the grocery store and started making comments about what was in my cart, she was very pretty. I treated her like she was a creep, I mean if I walked up to her like that she'd have treated me like a creep. I'm not at the store to find a mate I'm there to get groceries. And in general she just kinda creeped me out, I'm not used to someone that pretty just walking up to me and talking to me that's highly suspicious. I'm no where near good enough looking for people to chase me. The people I've been in relationships with all got to know me first talked to me first. So.... that was WAY outside anything I am used to or can expect. Also being in Porterville at the time 99% chance she was religious and I'm NOT going through that again everyone I mentioned above was either christian or Wiccan. Being from Porterville she was prolly really poor herself (no one in the valley has money or they'd be in LA or San Francisco). There's no choice in dating for someone like me except to say no, which I do often.

To put it into context almost every time really pretty girls have EVER talked to me (or rather initiated a conversation) it was to tease me and make fun of me in front of their friends. I've ended up with soda on my head because some pretty girl thought it would be funny to smile and be nice enough then go around my back and dump soda on my head so her friends could laugh at the mentally disabled guy who doesn't know when he's being played. (I admit I'm kinda stupid in social situations and I know people think I'm mentally disabled pretty often because I can be awkward, they are prolly right for all I know. I've worked on hiding that about myself but.... that's how people treat me, and how I expect to be treated anymore)

Mama told me never talk to strangers. lol

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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28-05-2017, 07:23 PM
RE: Life and help
Thank you Gwaithmir, I figured you'd understand.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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