Life and help
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29-05-2017, 05:51 PM
RE: Life and help
(28-05-2017 07:09 PM)JesseB Wrote:  As for the second part I'm well aware of this. It's not like This is my main way of approaching things, it's just a thought I have sometimes. However you're right that I want love so much well you can put in anything after that you want. It's just a fact. But then again most people want to be loved, the ones that say they don't I think are lying. I've never seen anyone live in total isolation by choice, they just take for granted that they don't know what it's like to be rejected by all of humanity.

Yes, most people want to be loved. Most of us won't do anything for that. It's that desperation that's driving you to make bad choices.

Quote:And yea ya'll are strangers on the internet. Your words are nice but.... how do I put it.... Actions speak louder than words? A real friend is far more meaningful than an Imaginary friend? People get some very strong emotional investments in people they don't even know online, but for me... Just doesn't do it.

I get what you're saying but that wasn't what I was driving at. None of us here is a professional nor do we know you well enough to help much if we were. You should see somebody who's a little less amateur than us.

Quote:...I don't think it's a confidence issue.

Quote:As for "lowest common denominator" well what else do you think is available to me? I'm a worthless nobody with no education no money...

I'm having a hard time reconciling those statements.

Quote:A girl walked up to me a couple weeks ago in the grocery store and started making comments about what was in my cart, she was very pretty. I treated her like she was a creep, I mean if I walked up to her like that she'd have treated me like a creep. I'm not at the store to find a mate I'm there to get groceries. And in general she just kinda creeped me out, I'm not used to someone that pretty just walking up to me and talking to me that's highly suspicious. I'm no where near good enough looking for people to chase me.

OK. So you'll do anything for love but when a pretty girl talks to you in the grocery store you don't even give her the time of day? Where does that get smart? Granted, I'd have found that situation pretty damned odd too but I'd have given it a couple of minutes to find out what was up, if only to satisfy my own curiosity. Some people are creeps, some just want you for your kidneys, and some are simply socially awkward. You'd have known pretty quickly which it was if you hadn't blown her off. If you don't take a chance you won't have a chance.

I don't have a solution for your problems. I wish that I did. I'd give it to you in a heartbeat. The truth is that anybody offering simple solutions to complex problems is almost certainly peddling something. And whatever else your problems may be they are not simple.

I may well be wrong, I'm better with rocks than people, but as I see it your problems include:

- Trust issues. Almost certainly the result of being repeatedly victimized.
- Very poor self-esteem to the point where you can't even imagine anybody loving you. Again, almost certainly the result of your victimization.
- A desperation to be loved that goes beyond the desire that most of us feel.
- More than a little rage. Please try not to take it out on people who are trying to help.

I'm sure you've come by all of that honestly but none of it is helping you. They're feeding back off of one another making the devil's own brew. I can't fix that. I'd be a fool to even try. The best I can do is tell you to find a good therapist. One with experience in dealing with emotional and sexual abuse.

I'm sorry I can't be more help, but I'd be blowing smoke up your ass if I said that I could. Good luck on getting this sorted out.

---
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29-05-2017, 06:09 PM (This post was last modified: 29-05-2017 06:20 PM by JesseB.)
RE: Life and help
(29-05-2017 05:51 PM)Paleophyte Wrote:  
(28-05-2017 07:09 PM)JesseB Wrote:  As for the second part I'm well aware of this. It's not like This is my main way of approaching things, it's just a thought I have sometimes. However you're right that I want love so much well you can put in anything after that you want. It's just a fact. But then again most people want to be loved, the ones that say they don't I think are lying. I've never seen anyone live in total isolation by choice, they just take for granted that they don't know what it's like to be rejected by all of humanity.

Yes, most people want to be loved. Most of us won't do anything for that. It's that desperation that's driving you to make bad choices.

Quote:And yea ya'll are strangers on the internet. Your words are nice but.... how do I put it.... Actions speak louder than words? A real friend is far more meaningful than an Imaginary friend? People get some very strong emotional investments in people they don't even know online, but for me... Just doesn't do it.

I get what you're saying but that wasn't what I was driving at. None of us here is a professional nor do we know you well enough to help much if we were. You should see somebody who's a little less amateur than us.

Quote:...I don't think it's a confidence issue.

Quote:As for "lowest common denominator" well what else do you think is available to me? I'm a worthless nobody with no education no money...

I'm having a hard time reconciling those statements.

Quote:A girl walked up to me a couple weeks ago in the grocery store and started making comments about what was in my cart, she was very pretty. I treated her like she was a creep, I mean if I walked up to her like that she'd have treated me like a creep. I'm not at the store to find a mate I'm there to get groceries. And in general she just kinda creeped me out, I'm not used to someone that pretty just walking up to me and talking to me that's highly suspicious. I'm no where near good enough looking for people to chase me.

OK. So you'll do anything for love but when a pretty girl talks to you in the grocery store you don't even give her the time of day? Where does that get smart? Granted, I'd have found that situation pretty damned odd too but I'd have given it a couple of minutes to find out what was up, if only to satisfy my own curiosity. Some people are creeps, some just want you for your kidneys, and some are simply socially awkward. You'd have known pretty quickly which it was if you hadn't blown her off. If you don't take a chance you won't have a chance.

I don't have a solution for your problems. I wish that I did. I'd give it to you in a heartbeat. The truth is that anybody offering simple solutions to complex problems is almost certainly peddling something. And whatever else your problems may be they are not simple.

I may well be wrong, I'm better with rocks than people, but as I see it your problems include:

- Trust issues. Almost certainly the result of being repeatedly victimized.
- Very poor self-esteem to the point where you can't even imagine anybody loving you. Again, almost certainly the result of your victimization.
- A desperation to be loved that goes beyond the desire that most of us feel.
- More than a little rage. Please try not to take it out on people who are trying to help.

I'm sure you've come by all of that honestly but none of it is helping you. They're feeding back off of one another making the devil's own brew. I can't fix that. I'd be a fool to even try. The best I can do is tell you to find a good therapist. One with experience in dealing with emotional and sexual abuse.

I'm sorry I can't be more help, but I'd be blowing smoke up your ass if I said that I could. Good luck on getting this sorted out.

Really I don't know what you think a therapist can do that you didn't do right here...

So yea, never having been loved can make a person crazy, and desperation invariably leads to bad decisions.

Trust issues are easy to fix. Don't try to harm me, alienate me, throw me away and of course I will trust you. Regardless of any other factor my trust is given to only those who earn it, and anyone can earn it. It's actually pretty easy too. Possibly a bit too easy.... I like straight forward, I have no interest in social games. Treat me well and you'll have my trust, the longer you treat me well the more I will trust you. As for the flip side I have a tendency to treat anyone else well regardless of if they deserve it until they do something to actively harm me in some way, or appear to threaten harm in some way, something that show's they are not safe to be around.

Edit^ This trust thing is a lie. More specifically it is an ideal way to be (to me), however in practice I'm both romantically and physically attracted to pretty much anyone who is nice to me (or pretends to be nice to me) and this is a HUGE problem. It causes me to sometimes trust people whom I really shouldn't. Some of the things I say that people react negatively to are the things I tell myself, an inner mantra to try and avoid this from happening.

As for confidence.... Hmmm... some people tell me I don't have enough confidence, other's tell me I have far too much. The difference is I'm confident about things that are demonstrable. I could show you statistics that demonstrate how looks play into partner selection to show how the person approaching me in the grocery store was way outside the norm and that's a warning sign. It is unlikely any good could come from letting someone far more attractive than I lead me on. That's not a lack of confidence it's self awareness. A totally different thing. I know myself, what I look like in relation to others. I am fairly confident I have an accurate measurement of my own attractiveness. I'm also confident that my personality, and humor, and.... well when I'm being successful (which isn't all the time) is capable of attracting people that are far more attractive than I. In fact most of the girls I've dated were FAR more attractive than I. But none of them walked up to me out of the blue like that, that's a red flag, it's not normal. If I had walked up to her I could likely have gotten a date with her. Most likely that would have been a disaster, but in my mind that she walked up to me meant some game was going on which the rules are unknown to me. I stay away from situations like that purely on the need for self preservation. I do that in any social setting with any person or groups of people.

I could give you an example. I told DLJ this story, in college a group of classmates decided to play a "game" it was some weird game where you choose a person or thing to take to a deserted island with you, only it had to be approved by one of the people in the group. There was some code word, or body language, or maybe some social rule (like just who they like, aka they were picking on me) I really don't know for sure, I wasn't able to figure it out. The entire thing made me very uncomfortable so I left.

I get frustrated, upset, annoyed, stressed, I don't get rage. The closest thing I've ever been to rage is when I've had a gun in my face or had to fight for my life quite literally, the adrenaline invokes a very powerful feeling. It only lasts for a moment. So no not rage. Frustration, tired of banging my head against a wall, tired of people listening but not hearing. Tired of weird rules and standards that make absolutely no sense. But not rage.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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29-05-2017, 06:41 PM
RE: Life and help
As someone who struggles massively with really poor self esteem I can identify with many of the things you're talking about Jesse, although tbh I've not had life shit on me half as bad as you have. I don't have any great pearls of wisdom for you but hopefully this post will go some way to showing you that there are people who care about how you are feeling.
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29-05-2017, 06:50 PM
RE: Life and help
(29-05-2017 06:41 PM)adey67 Wrote:  As someone who struggles massively with really poor self esteem I can identify with many of the things you're talking about Jesse, although tbh I've not had life shit on me half as bad as you have. I don't have any great pearls of wisdom for you but hopefully this post will go some way to showing you that there are people who care about how you are feeling.

Thanks Adey

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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29-05-2017, 08:59 PM
RE: Life and help
(29-05-2017 06:09 PM)JesseB Wrote:  Really I don't know what you think a therapist can do that you didn't do right here...

Diagnose the problem properly? Seriously, you just had your mental state evaluated by a geologist.

Quote:So yea, never having been loved can make a person crazy, and desperation invariably leads to bad decisions.

I suspect that it also makes you easy to spot and easy to manipulate for those that know how.

Quote:Trust issues are easy to fix. Don't try to harm me, alienate me, throw me away and of course I will trust you. Regardless of any other factor my trust is given to only those who earn it, and anyone can earn it.

That's different. It's the initial distrust that's a problem. It will tend to push away the good while leaving the predators to game you.

Quote:I like straight forward, I have no interest in social games.

Same here. I have no tolerance for manipulators.

Quote:This trust thing is a lie. More specifically it is an ideal way to be (to me), however in practice I'm both romantically and physically attracted to pretty much anyone who is nice to me (or pretends to be nice to me) and this is a HUGE problem. It causes me to sometimes trust people whom I really shouldn't.

Sounds like desperation over-riding trust. You knew your wife was fucking around. You knew Amy and her rules were messing with you. Trust was long gone in both cases but you kept going because an untrustworthy illusion of love was better than none at all.

Quote:As for confidence.... Hmmm... some people tell me I don't have enough confidence, other's tell me I have far too much.

It's possible to be both. I'd say that your confidence is misplaced. For example:

(29-05-2017 05:35 PM)JesseB Wrote:  Everyone know's what a worthless pile of shit I am now anyway...

There's simply no sugar coating that.

Having read this thread you don't come across as a "worthless pile of shit". Some of the people you've been involved with might be described that way but that's on them.

Quote:The difference is I'm confident about things that are demonstrable.

I think that this might be another lie that you're telling yourself. You've known things about your partners, cold hard facts, but never acted on them.

Quote:I could show you statistics that demonstrate how looks play into partner selection

You'd be preaching to the choir. Tongue

Quote:to show how the person approaching me in the grocery store was way outside the norm and that's a warning sign.

Definitely a warning sign, though I'd consider the behaviour to be far stranger than any difference in "looks". Warning signs are good for getting your guard up but they aren't reason to go to DefCon 1 and launch the bombers.

Quote:It is unlikely any good could come from letting someone far more attractive than I lead me on. That's not a lack of confidence it's self awareness.

Assuming she was leading you on. If that's the case then her trap was sprung and your guard was already up because there was zero subtlety in that approach. You now have the luxury of approaching this dispassionately with every expectation that she'll try and screw with you. You can chuckle inwardly at her attempts to manipulate you from the calm certainty that she can't hurt you because you never cared.

Or you might have met a decent person who had some odd social quirks because humans are weird fuckers.

I was a scrawny little geek in school. In grade 10 this girl turns around and offers me her phone number. I wasn't terribly socially astute but my entire alarm board lit up like a godsdamned christmas tree. OK, I thought, let's see where this goes. So I watched and listened and after some very transparent high school drama she dumped me with an "I'm very angry with you!" delivered with exactly the tone of voice that you'd use for "I'm very disappointed in you." Her acting was shite and the joke was on her. I knew the guy she was trying to make jealous and he'd have gone out with her just for the asking. Totally unnecessary. Months later her best friend offered me her hone number again (she'd moved). In return I gave her a critique of her friend's first attempt. Her second attempt at "I'm very angry" was *much* more persuasive.

Quote:I know myself, what I look like in relation to others. I am fairly confident I have an accurate measurement of my own attractiveness.

You might want to mistrust that if your self-esteem is as bad as it appears to be.

Quote:I could give you an example. I told DLJ this story, in college a group of classmates decided to play a "game" it was some weird game where you choose a person or thing to take to a deserted island with you, only it had to be approved by one of the people in the group. There was some code word, or body language, or maybe some social rule (like just who they like, aka they were picking on me) I really don't know for sure, I wasn't able to figure it out. The entire thing made me very uncomfortable so I left.

I had a few similar experiences. I simply stopped playing by their rules. It's funny how fast that cuts the snickering.

Quote:I get frustrated, upset, annoyed, stressed, I don't get rage.

See? Like I said, you need an accurate assessment. Therapist, not rock doc. Let me know if you want your metamorphic grade checked but for head stuff I'm not the professional you need.

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29-05-2017, 09:19 PM (This post was last modified: 29-05-2017 09:27 PM by JesseB.)
RE: Life and help
(29-05-2017 08:59 PM)Paleophyte Wrote:  
(29-05-2017 06:09 PM)JesseB Wrote:  Really I don't know what you think a therapist can do that you didn't do right here...

Diagnose the problem properly? Seriously, you just had your mental state evaluated by a geologist.

Quote:So yea, never having been loved can make a person crazy, and desperation invariably leads to bad decisions.

I suspect that it also makes you easy to spot and easy to manipulate for those that know how.

Quote:Trust issues are easy to fix. Don't try to harm me, alienate me, throw me away and of course I will trust you. Regardless of any other factor my trust is given to only those who earn it, and anyone can earn it.

That's different. It's the initial distrust that's a problem. It will tend to push away the good while leaving the predators to game you.

Quote:I like straight forward, I have no interest in social games.

Same here. I have no tolerance for manipulators.

Quote:This trust thing is a lie. More specifically it is an ideal way to be (to me), however in practice I'm both romantically and physically attracted to pretty much anyone who is nice to me (or pretends to be nice to me) and this is a HUGE problem. It causes me to sometimes trust people whom I really shouldn't.

Sounds like desperation over-riding trust. You knew your wife was fucking around. You knew Amy and her rules were messing with you. Trust was long gone in both cases but you kept going because an untrustworthy illusion of love was better than none at all.

Quote:As for confidence.... Hmmm... some people tell me I don't have enough confidence, other's tell me I have far too much.

It's possible to be both. I'd say that your confidence is misplaced. For example:

(29-05-2017 05:35 PM)JesseB Wrote:  Everyone know's what a worthless pile of shit I am now anyway...

There's simply no sugar coating that.

Having read this thread you don't come across as a "worthless pile of shit". Some of the people you've been involved with might be described that way but that's on them.

Quote:The difference is I'm confident about things that are demonstrable.

I think that this might be another lie that you're telling yourself. You've known things about your partners, cold hard facts, but never acted on them.

Quote:I could show you statistics that demonstrate how looks play into partner selection

You'd be preaching to the choir. Tongue

Quote:to show how the person approaching me in the grocery store was way outside the norm and that's a warning sign.

Definitely a warning sign, though I'd consider the behaviour to be far stranger than any difference in "looks". Warning signs are good for getting your guard up but they aren't reason to go to DefCon 1 and launch the bombers.

Quote:It is unlikely any good could come from letting someone far more attractive than I lead me on. That's not a lack of confidence it's self awareness.

Assuming she was leading you on. If that's the case then her trap was sprung and your guard was already up because there was zero subtlety in that approach. You now have the luxury of approaching this dispassionately with every expectation that she'll try and screw with you. You can chuckle inwardly at her attempts to manipulate you from the calm certainty that she can't hurt you because you never cared.

Or you might have met a decent person who had some odd social quirks because humans are weird fuckers.

I was a scrawny little geek in school. In grade 10 this girl turns around and offers me her phone number. I wasn't terribly socially astute but my entire alarm board lit up like a godsdamned christmas tree. OK, I thought, let's see where this goes. So I watched and listened and after some very transparent high school drama she dumped me with an "I'm very angry with you!" delivered with exactly the tone of voice that you'd use for "I'm very disappointed in you." Her acting was shite and the joke was on her. I knew the guy she was trying to make jealous and he'd have gone out with her just for the asking. Totally unnecessary. Months later her best friend offered me her hone number again (she'd moved). In return I gave her a critique of her friend's first attempt. Her second attempt at "I'm very angry" was *much* more persuasive.

Quote:I know myself, what I look like in relation to others. I am fairly confident I have an accurate measurement of my own attractiveness.

You might want to mistrust that if your self-esteem is as bad as it appears to be.

Quote:I could give you an example. I told DLJ this story, in college a group of classmates decided to play a "game" it was some weird game where you choose a person or thing to take to a deserted island with you, only it had to be approved by one of the people in the group. There was some code word, or body language, or maybe some social rule (like just who they like, aka they were picking on me) I really don't know for sure, I wasn't able to figure it out. The entire thing made me very uncomfortable so I left.

I had a few similar experiences. I simply stopped playing by their rules. It's funny how fast that cuts the snickering.

Quote:I get frustrated, upset, annoyed, stressed, I don't get rage.

See? Like I said, you need an accurate assessment. Therapist, not rock doc. Let me know if you want your metamorphic grade checked but for head stuff I'm not the professional you need.

Computers are run on Quartz, I prolly relate better to computers than people... So perhaps you're better than anyone to get to the bottom of this Tongue (kidding) Wait.... If you're telling me that this is making everyone uncomfortable and I should go away.... You need to be more clear about that. Maybe that's what you meant. Therapy is made up of amateurs, they don't hold to the scientific standard, they are there for the money they don't really care about you at all. And half the shit they say they pull right our of their asses. I don't know what you expect me to gain from that. What is useful is data to compare, and the only way I'm going to get that is by throwing myself out there letting people shit on me and analyzing the results. Then take what I've learned go somewhere else and try fitting in again.

I don't think you should misread my self deprecation. What I think of myself and my awareness of what other's think of me are two totally different things. At least in my mind, and yet much of the problems are I don't see these things the way you do. Well some of what you said is very accurate. I just don't see self esteem the way you do, and unless I'm being very open most people don't think that.... How do I put it.... people online I'm far more open with and they seem to think I don't have any self esteem which is weird to me. Those in real life don't think that... I mean I used to sing and play music on stage, in front of thousands at a couple of points, and speak on stage. Really talking to 1 person 10 or 10 million makes no difference to me.

Now I will give you totally that what I think others think of me with regard to hating me might be off, I mean I have no idea everyone lies so it's impossible to know what anyone ever really thinks about you. It's very frustrating. I tell people straight up what I think of them, and if I say it I mean it. When I self depreciate it's more accurately reflective of how I think they are treating me. Or in the case above how I expect they will be treating me. Some have already made it clear earlier.

Perhaps people do perceive me as lacking self esteem... but if so that's a total miscommunication. As for some of your analysts regarding my past experiences, it's good food for thought. You're right I think.

Edit^ I need examples for it to be any use to me, How did you stop playing by their rules? What were the results?

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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29-05-2017, 11:05 PM
RE: Life and help
I can take a hint. Later.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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30-05-2017, 02:33 AM
RE: Life and help
Jesse!

I relate a whole lot to what you've been through. I've been through some of the same things as well, glad to know there is a small group of us hanging about to talk about these things. And I'm happy you feel you can really open up about your issues.

Only thing I would say is if you feel the need to do so, seek a therapist, as talking about these things can help. That is only if you want to do that, although I can only speak from my experience, but talking helps a lot.

Personally, I try to look back to try and use these experiences "constructively". That may sound a bit stupid, but hear me out. Both myself and my uncle have had very similar experiences to yourself, and we've both handled it very differently.

For example: He has [unconsciously] decided to just carry on, hopping from one girl to the next in the hope of finding love, but he also forgoes the whole "dating" period, and pretty much marries them straight off the bat. Some months later he often finds them to be terrible people with a lot of baggage that he can't handle.

I chose to take my experiences and say 'This is never happening again'. I stayed single for a little while, and later started slowly dating when it felt right. This also helped later in life where my now wife, had some trust issues that developed into full blown "crazy partner syndrome" at one point, but I recognized the signs and stood up for myself, telling her it wasn't going to happen, and if she carried on she would lose me in the process. She did later understand this, and calmed down a hell of a lot, and some 11 years later we're doing fine.

I obviously can't speak for everything, but I've had some very similar issues in the past. If you need a talk, drop me a PM or something Smile

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30-05-2017, 03:03 AM
RE: Life and help
Jesse, I used to do drama and sing, had 10 village pantomimes under my belt before my friend who wrote and directed them committed suicide, people said I was good really good in fact, always got a principle role, my point is that being good at drama and acting is not an indication you don't have self esteem issues, many really good actors have issues and its probably that which makes them good, because they have to act all the time and not just on stage and screen.
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30-05-2017, 05:47 AM
RE: Life and help
Both of you raise some good points. I actually wasn't going to come back until I found myself on more stable footing. However it's 4am and I'm so hungry I can't sleep and somehow I have to be awake and alert by 10am to go cut down trees.... I should prolly avoid chainsaws today lol too bad that's not an option, lets hope I have all my limbs tomorrow hehehe (don't freak I've done far more dangerous shit in my life and so far I got all my fingers).... That said tonight I'll have a full stomach, so at least there's that.

And to be honest I don't think any of this would have happened if I wasn't under extreme duress brought on from a lack of food. Now that I think of it there hasn't been a single day in the last week or more (I'm really not sure of much at the moment) where I've had more than 1 meal a day and at least half those days I've gone without. I can also trace back much of my... drama moments (lets face it I'm prolly being very dramatic last couple days) to periods without food. When I think about it people have always freaked out more seeing or hearing about my life than I ever did living it. I mean when my dad put a loaded rifle to my head when I told him I was getting married my ex wife who was watching sitting next to my mom nearly pissed herself. But... It really didn't phase me at all... Now you might think that's somehow a bad thing, like I'm living in denial or some shit but no not really, shit happens, unfortunately for me it seems like I was born under a horses ass and shit just falls from the sky more often than not. But I've usually done pretty ok.

For example.
I've only ever been homeless once, and even then I wasn't really homeless per say I had a home I just had to live in my car for a while cause the apartment complex I was living in got bed bugs. After a few months of living in my car I was able to go back home, sure I tanked a couple classes as a result but I still passed ALL my classes with a final GPA of 3.5. Even now as bad as things are, I have a place to live. And being lonely sucks sure, but hell everyone is lonely these days. I could cast a huge indictment on all of us for creating and being complacent in this state of affairs. We're all to blame for being strangers to each other, and make no mistake none of us are really close to anyone I don't think, if we were I don't think divorce rates would be as high as they are, and that's just one example. I mean I've lived all over the US and the first time I ever even heard of neighbors that talked to each other and knew the names of their neighbors was when I lived in Austin Texas! Crazy huh? Like.... where I'm from the only time you'll see a neighbor is when they are involved in a gang related shooting outside your front door or they are trying to peek in your windows looking for shit to steal. What the fuck is this weird thing that people talk to their neighbors? You get my point I think.

Second Example:
Despite everything I got an A.S. with a GPA of 3.5 and I think that's something to be damn proud of.

Third Example:
I've never been in any kind of legal trouble except for some debt that happened as a result of my current situation and the rather sudden loss of income (my fault, I thought I had a job when I'd get here and was quite mistaken), and a couple of traffic tickets. Really not bad all things considered.

Fourth and final Example:
While I've never had many friends, those few friends I do have I'd trust with my life. They are the best most worthwhile people I have ever met, and considering sometimes I hurt my friends feelings by saying things I don't believe things they say just because they say them, I think they are pretty cool to put up with me. And if I say that to my best friends you can maybe see why I say that to everyone else. The few friends I have are mostly all highly educated and also value demonstrable evidence over appeals to authority or even appeals to friendship for lack of a better way to put it. So for that I'm damn lucky.

Honestly? Nothing I've ever experienced comes anywhere close to being as bad as going hungry, or feeling stuck unable to even work towards bettering my position in life. My thoughts get disjointed, I actually can't even remember the last time I've felt hunger pain! Weird huh? Like.... I noticed something instead of pain it feels more like every cell in my body is screaming inside me but it doesn't really hurt. The creepy thing is I'm learning I can ignore this even when food is available in order to avoid intensifying the effect when the food runs out (saying no to one meal because 5 hours later it's only going to be worse and there's no telling when the next meal will come)... kinda fascinating really. I look at the things I've written and am amazed and appalled at the lack of structure, the weird almost dyslexic typos (and I'm very much NOT dyslexic at least not normally). I think before worrying about anything else first I need to fix this problem. How can I expect to fix any social issues I may have or even see them objectively and accurately when hunger has me this compromised on every level.

In conclusion I apologize for subjecting you all to this madness. I'd much rather share my story in smaller doses and with a lot more perspective and clarity and emotional stability. Though I am grateful for ya'll letting me share my experiences, I've never tried this before... I mean I've been building up to it for a while now with individual people testing the waters. Normally I keep to myself WAY more than I have since coming here. And it's kinda cool that no one has um.... eviscerated me for the things I've said, I'm grateful for that, I'm not sure I would have been as kind if someone was annoying me as much as I'm sure I've annoyed many of you. So thank you for that.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
Big Grin
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