Life and help
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30-05-2017, 05:54 AM
RE: Life and help
I'd also like to extend personal apology to Anjele and Julep in particular, honestly I think you both are cool and always have. I'm not gonna give you some bullshit excuse, I'll only tell you that I don't at all hate either of you and will work on fixing my shit.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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30-05-2017, 06:00 AM
RE: Life and help
(30-05-2017 05:47 AM)JesseB Wrote:  Both of you raise some good points. I actually wasn't going to come back until I found myself on more stable footing. However it's 4am and I'm so hungry I can't sleep and somehow I have to be awake and alert by 10am to go cut down trees.... I should prolly avoid chainsaws today lol too bad that's not an option, lets hope I have all my limbs tomorrow hehehe (don't freak I've done far more dangerous shit in my life and so far I got all my fingers).... That said tonight I'll have a full stomach, so at least there's that.

And to be honest I don't think any of this would have happened if I wasn't under extreme duress brought on from a lack of food. Now that I think of it there hasn't been a single day in the last week or more (I'm really not sure of much at the moment) where I've had more than 1 meal a day and at least half those days I've gone without. I can also trace back much of my... drama moments (lets face it I'm prolly being very dramatic last couple days) to periods without food. When I think about it people have always freaked out more seeing or hearing about my life than I ever did living it. I mean when my dad put a loaded rifle to my head when I told him I was getting married my ex wife who was watching sitting next to my mom nearly pissed herself. But... It really didn't phase me at all... Now you might think that's somehow a bad thing, like I'm living in denial or some shit but no not really, shit happens, unfortunately for me it seems like I was born under a horses ass and shit just falls from the sky more often than not. But I've usually done pretty ok.

For example.
I've only ever been homeless once, and even then I wasn't really homeless per say I had a home I just had to live in my car for a while cause the apartment complex I was living in got bed bugs. After a few months of living in my car I was able to go back home, sure I tanked a couple classes as a result but I still passed ALL my classes with a final GPA of 3.5. Even now as bad as things are, I have a place to live. And being lonely sucks sure, but hell everyone is lonely these days. I could cast a huge indictment on all of us for creating and being complacent in this state of affairs. We're all to blame for being strangers to each other, and make no mistake none of us are really close to anyone I don't think, if we were I don't think divorce rates would be as high as they are, and that's just one example. I mean I've lived all over the US and the first time I ever even heard of neighbors that talked to each other and knew the names of their neighbors was when I lived in Austin Texas! Crazy huh? Like.... where I'm from the only time you'll see a neighbor is when they are involved in a gang related shooting outside your front door or they are trying to peek in your windows looking for shit to steal. What the fuck is this weird thing that people talk to their neighbors? You get my point I think.

Second Example:
Despite everything I got an A.S. with a GPA of 3.5 and I think that's something to be damn proud of.

Third Example:
I've never been in any kind of legal trouble except for some debt that happened as a result of my current situation and the rather sudden loss of income (my fault, I thought I had a job when I'd get here and was quite mistaken), and a couple of traffic tickets. Really not bad all things considered.

Fourth and final Example:
While I've never had many friends, those few friends I do have I'd trust with my life. They are the best most worthwhile people I have ever met, and considering sometimes I hurt my friends feelings by saying things I don't believe things they say just because they say them, I think they are pretty cool to put up with me. And if I say that to my best friends you can maybe see why I say that to everyone else. The few friends I have are mostly all highly educated and also value demonstrable evidence over appeals to authority or even appeals to friendship for lack of a better way to put it. So for that I'm damn lucky.

Honestly? Nothing I've ever experienced comes anywhere close to being as bad as going hungry, or feeling stuck unable to even work towards bettering my position in life. My thoughts get disjointed, I actually can't even remember the last time I've felt hunger pain! Weird huh? Like.... I noticed something instead of pain it feels more like every cell in my body is screaming inside me but it doesn't really hurt. The creepy thing is I'm learning I can ignore this even when food is available in order to avoid intensifying the effect when the food runs out (saying no to one meal because 5 hours later it's only going to be worse and there's no telling when the next meal will come)... kinda fascinating really. I look at the things I've written and am amazed and appalled at the lack of structure, the weird almost dyslexic typos (and I'm very much NOT dyslexic at least not normally). I think before worrying about anything else first I need to fix this problem. How can I expect to fix any social issues I may have or even see them objectively and accurately when hunger has me this compromised on every level.

In conclusion I apologize for subjecting you all to this madness. I'd much rather share my story in smaller doses and with a lot more perspective and clarity and emotional stability. Though I am grateful for ya'll letting me share my experiences, I've never tried this before... I mean I've been building up to it for a while now with individual people testing the waters. Normally I keep to myself WAY more than I have since coming here. And it's kinda cool that no one has um.... eviscerated me for the things I've said, I'm grateful for that, I'm not sure I would have been as kind if someone was annoying me as much as I'm sure I've annoyed many of you. So thank you for that.

I'm right there with you on this duder. I too have the best part of like 4-5 like "real" friends that I trust without question, and I know they have my back as well. I've also never been in any legal trouble, on purpose at least (Ie knowingly committing a crime), so you know silver linings and all that.

Again if you want to chat or anything, PM/Email me anytime Smile

I don't want Fop, goddamn it! I'm a Dapper Dan man!
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30-05-2017, 06:50 AM
RE: Life and help
You certainly haven't annoyed me its good to talk even if its to crazy anonymous Brits Big Grin
I don't like to think of you hungry, Sadcryface Wish I could cook you a hearty meal.
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30-05-2017, 05:24 PM
RE: Life and help
(29-05-2017 09:19 PM)JesseB Wrote:  Wait.... If you're telling me that this is making everyone uncomfortable and I should go away.... You need to be more clear about that. Maybe that's what you meant.

No. Very much not my meaning.

I try not to speak for others and I don't beat around the bush.

Telling you to go away in the Personal Issues and Support section would be well outside of what I'd consider acceptable behavior. I'd expect Moms to have dropped me a note reminding me not to be an asshole if I'd done that. If something makes me uncomfortable then I simply don't reply. If something makes others uncomfortable they can deal with it as they see fit.

That's very not were I'm coming from. Clear?

Quote:Therapy is made up of amateurs, they don't hold to the scientific standard, they are there for the money they don't really care about you at all. And half the shit they say they pull right our of their asses.

Some are certainly. As with any profession there's a range of quality. Look for one that deals in sexual and psychological abuse. You have to be on the higher end of the scale to deal with that. You may have to shop around a bit to find a good fit for you.

Quote:What is useful is data to compare, and the only way I'm going to get that is by throwing myself out there letting people shit on me and analyzing the results.

How about going some place they don't shit on you? If they do then leave. The world is full of relatively decent, non-rapey people.

Quote:I just don't see self esteem the way you do, and unless I'm being very open most people don't think that.... How do I put it.... people online I'm far more open with and they seem to think I don't have any self esteem which is weird to me. Those in real life don't think that... I mean I used to sing and play music on stage, in front of thousands at a couple of points, and speak on stage. Really talking to 1 person 10 or 10 million makes no difference to me.

Not the same thing. Being able to get up in front of a crowd is only loosely tied to your self-worth. This is about how you view yourself and this thread is littered with comments from you about how worthless you are. There are only so many ways to read that.

Quote:I need examples for it to be any use to me, How did you stop playing by their rules? What were the results?

I haven't needed to use it in a while, most of the people I hang around are adult enough that it isn't necessary, so these are old high school recollections. I'm not socially adept but I'm good with analytical. When I find somebody toying with me and can't easily just wander off I take the situation apart in my head. What are the roles, the expectations, the objectives... And how can I break this game?

A simple example was a bully I tangled with in grade 7. He was pissed at my kid brother. Brother hid behind me. Now bully's pissed at me. Did I mention that I was a scrawny geek? He threatens. Then shoves. Threatens some more, shoves harder. Classic posturing where either I back down giving him the "courage" to attack or I shove back making him angry enough to attack. 'Screw this ridiculous escalation' thinks me and punched him square in the face with none of the expected build up. He was so surprised that I got two more shots in before he even reacted.

A more complicated example was a game a bit like the one you described. Ours was some half-assed meditation silliness. Turn the lights down low and one person starts describing some tranquil scene. About a dozen of us. *meh* Whatever. My turn comes and I start talking. Ten seconds in the giggling starts. I stop. Clearly I'm doing it wrong. Let somebody else have a go. "No, no," insists one girl, "Try again." OK, I try again and they make it a whole 15 seconds without giggling. I stop and try to let somebody else have a go. Even more insistence that I keep going. O... K... I guess 15 seconds was the limit of their control because here comes the giggles again. I step back into my head and take it apart. Ringleaders are Dominant Alpha and Wingman who are trying to impress a couple of girls. I guess some girls get turned on by seeing other people humiliated or something? To this day I have no idea what their game was but breaking it was a no-brainer. I keep talking, they keep giggling, I keep talking, they keep giggling. I add Dominant Alpha and Wingman in a homoerotic montage and you'd swear a guillotine just despatched the gigglers. Lights come up a few seconds later and one of the girls says "That was mean." I reply, "I thought so too." and took my leave of them.

If somebody tries to toy with me and won't simply let me walk away then I will contentedly turn the game board into a flaming ruin.

---
Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
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30-05-2017, 05:38 PM
RE: Life and help
(30-05-2017 05:24 PM)Paleophyte Wrote:  
(29-05-2017 09:19 PM)JesseB Wrote:  Wait.... If you're telling me that this is making everyone uncomfortable and I should go away.... You need to be more clear about that. Maybe that's what you meant.

No. Very much not my meaning.

I try not to speak for others and I don't beat around the bush.

Telling you to go away in the Personal Issues and Support section would be well outside of what I'd consider acceptable behavior. I'd expect Moms to have dropped me a note reminding me not to be an asshole if I'd done that. If something makes me uncomfortable then I simply don't reply. If something makes others uncomfortable they can deal with it as they see fit.

That's very not were I'm coming from. Clear?

Quote:Therapy is made up of amateurs, they don't hold to the scientific standard, they are there for the money they don't really care about you at all. And half the shit they say they pull right our of their asses.

Some are certainly. As with any profession there's a range of quality. Look for one that deals in sexual and psychological abuse. You have to be on the higher end of the scale to deal with that. You may have to shop around a bit to find a good fit for you.

Quote:What is useful is data to compare, and the only way I'm going to get that is by throwing myself out there letting people shit on me and analyzing the results.

How about going some place they don't shit on you? If they do then leave. The world is full of relatively decent, non-rapey people.

Quote:I just don't see self esteem the way you do, and unless I'm being very open most people don't think that.... How do I put it.... people online I'm far more open with and they seem to think I don't have any self esteem which is weird to me. Those in real life don't think that... I mean I used to sing and play music on stage, in front of thousands at a couple of points, and speak on stage. Really talking to 1 person 10 or 10 million makes no difference to me.

Not the same thing. Being able to get up in front of a crowd is only loosely tied to your self-worth. This is about how you view yourself and this thread is littered with comments from you about how worthless you are. There are only so many ways to read that.

Quote:I need examples for it to be any use to me, How did you stop playing by their rules? What were the results?

I haven't needed to use it in a while, most of the people I hang around are adult enough that it isn't necessary, so these are old high school recollections. I'm not socially adept but I'm good with analytical. When I find somebody toying with me and can't easily just wander off I take the situation apart in my head. What are the roles, the expectations, the objectives... And how can I break this game?

A simple example was a bully I tangled with in grade 7. He was pissed at my kid brother. Brother hid behind me. Now bully's pissed at me. Did I mention that I was a scrawny geek? He threatens. Then shoves. Threatens some more, shoves harder. Classic posturing where either I back down giving him the "courage" to attack or I shove back making him angry enough to attack. 'Screw this ridiculous escalation' thinks me and punched him square in the face with none of the expected build up. He was so surprised that I got two more shots in before he even reacted.

A more complicated example was a game a bit like the one you described. Ours was some half-assed meditation silliness. Turn the lights down low and one person starts describing some tranquil scene. About a dozen of us. *meh* Whatever. My turn comes and I start talking. Ten seconds in the giggling starts. I stop. Clearly I'm doing it wrong. Let somebody else have a go. "No, no," insists one girl, "Try again." OK, I try again and they make it a whole 15 seconds without giggling. I stop and try to let somebody else have a go. Even more insistence that I keep going. O... K... I guess 15 seconds was the limit of their control because here comes the giggles again. I step back into my head and take it apart. Ringleaders are Dominant Alpha and Wingman who are trying to impress a couple of girls. I guess some girls get turned on by seeing other people humiliated or something? To this day I have no idea what their game was but breaking it was a no-brainer. I keep talking, they keep giggling, I keep talking, they keep giggling. I add Dominant Alpha and Wingman in a homoerotic montage and you'd swear a guillotine just despatched the gigglers. Lights come up a few seconds later and one of the girls says "That was mean." I reply, "I thought so too." and took my leave of them.

If somebody tries to toy with me and won't simply let me walk away then I will contentedly turn the game board into a flaming ruin.

Your bully story I've done before, in fact in the 5th grade that's how I lost my recess privilege for an entire year. Had to go every day at break and sit in the office. Honestly it was the best school experience I ever had! You know how quiet that office was? It was awesome I just sat there alone with my thoughts which is almost always more than enough to keep me occupied and happy. He'll I wouldn't be unhappy up here if it wasn't for the shit internet that messes with my gaming and more importantly the constant food shortage.

Also your response to the second situation was fucking brilliant especially the part where you said "I thought so too"


And I like the rest of what you wrote, I will reflect on that and see how I can use it to improve my responses.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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30-05-2017, 05:40 PM
RE: Life and help
(30-05-2017 05:38 PM)JesseB Wrote:  
(30-05-2017 05:24 PM)Paleophyte Wrote:  No. Very much not my meaning.

I try not to speak for others and I don't beat around the bush.

Telling you to go away in the Personal Issues and Support section would be well outside of what I'd consider acceptable behavior. I'd expect Moms to have dropped me a note reminding me not to be an asshole if I'd done that. If something makes me uncomfortable then I simply don't reply. If something makes others uncomfortable they can deal with it as they see fit.

That's very not were I'm coming from. Clear?


Some are certainly. As with any profession there's a range of quality. Look for one that deals in sexual and psychological abuse. You have to be on the higher end of the scale to deal with that. You may have to shop around a bit to find a good fit for you.


How about going some place they don't shit on you? If they do then leave. The world is full of relatively decent, non-rapey people.


Not the same thing. Being able to get up in front of a crowd is only loosely tied to your self-worth. This is about how you view yourself and this thread is littered with comments from you about how worthless you are. There are only so many ways to read that.


I haven't needed to use it in a while, most of the people I hang around are adult enough that it isn't necessary, so these are old high school recollections. I'm not socially adept but I'm good with analytical. When I find somebody toying with me and can't easily just wander off I take the situation apart in my head. What are the roles, the expectations, the objectives... And how can I break this game?

A simple example was a bully I tangled with in grade 7. He was pissed at my kid brother. Brother hid behind me. Now bully's pissed at me. Did I mention that I was a scrawny geek? He threatens. Then shoves. Threatens some more, shoves harder. Classic posturing where either I back down giving him the "courage" to attack or I shove back making him angry enough to attack. 'Screw this ridiculous escalation' thinks me and punched him square in the face with none of the expected build up. He was so surprised that I got two more shots in before he even reacted.

A more complicated example was a game a bit like the one you described. Ours was some half-assed meditation silliness. Turn the lights down low and one person starts describing some tranquil scene. About a dozen of us. *meh* Whatever. My turn comes and I start talking. Ten seconds in the giggling starts. I stop. Clearly I'm doing it wrong. Let somebody else have a go. "No, no," insists one girl, "Try again." OK, I try again and they make it a whole 15 seconds without giggling. I stop and try to let somebody else have a go. Even more insistence that I keep going. O... K... I guess 15 seconds was the limit of their control because here comes the giggles again. I step back into my head and take it apart. Ringleaders are Dominant Alpha and Wingman who are trying to impress a couple of girls. I guess some girls get turned on by seeing other people humiliated or something? To this day I have no idea what their game was but breaking it was a no-brainer. I keep talking, they keep giggling, I keep talking, they keep giggling. I add Dominant Alpha and Wingman in a homoerotic montage and you'd swear a guillotine just despatched the gigglers. Lights come up a few seconds later and one of the girls says "That was mean." I reply, "I thought so too." and took my leave of them.

If somebody tries to toy with me and won't simply let me walk away then I will contentedly turn the game board into a flaming ruin.

Your bully story I've done before, in fact in the 5th grade that's how I lost my recess privilege for an entire year. Had to go every day at break and sit in the office. Honestly it was the best school experience I ever had! You know how quiet that office was? It was awesome I just sat there alone with my thoughts which is almost always more than enough to keep me occupied and happy. He'll I wouldn't be unhappy up here if it wasn't for the shit internet that messes with my gaming and more importantly the constant food shortage.

Also your response to the second situation was fucking brilliant, especially "I thought so too"

And I like the rest of what you wrote, I will reflect on that and see how I can use it to improve my responses.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
Big Grin
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30-05-2017, 05:41 PM
RE: Life and help
(30-05-2017 05:47 AM)JesseB Wrote:  In conclusion I apologize for subjecting you all to this madness.

Don't. This section is for letting that stuff out. Madness is what you get when you bottle that shit up and let it ferment.

Quote:And it's kinda cool that no one has um.... eviscerated me for the things I've said, I'm grateful for that, I'm not sure I would have been as kind if someone was annoying me as much as I'm sure I've annoyed many of you. So thank you for that.

Hakuna matata.

Also check the rules by the door. Anybody being a jackass in here risks the Wrath of Mod. If you can't be supportive then you go elsewhere. And truthfully you can't easily annoy me. It isn't as if you're holding me down and forcing me to read this thread.

Feel free to drop me a PM if you want.

Good luck!

---
Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
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