Living with her while she loves someone else. :-(
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09-08-2014, 10:37 AM
Living with her while she loves someone else. :-(


So here is the story.  We met about nine years back.  We now have three children.  7,5, and 3 years old.  We have had a pretty tough road and have separated many times over the years.  We have both dated other people and she eventually married someone else.  She has been separated from him for about 8 months now and had been attempting to grieve him so that she could move on.  However, to give him credit, he has not given up on the relationship,  He has, however, been abusive emotionally, verbally, and once physically in the past.  (The reason for the separation)  


We decided to move in together in April, on the understanding that we may be able to rekindle our relationship and that our children would benefit greatly from having both parents in the home.  Needless to say, she has now decided that we can't make our lives work together, but that she will work on her relationship with her Husband.  These two scenarios to her are not at all related and are completely separate.  I tend to get stuck on this issue because I can't see how they are not related.  


Now comes the hard part.  Neither one of us wants to leave the children.

Solution: We rent out an apartment and alternate time at home and the apartment.  

Problem: I don't want to move on.


It feels like if I just hold on that things will work out.  Holding on is extremely painful and unproductive.  It leaves me feeling stuck and with a desire to escape.  I have to admit that I am more in love with the idea of our family unit being united and strong than  I am in love with her.  I do love her tremendously and would do anything for her.  Regardless, this is a painful experience knowing that when she goes to bed at night it is not me that she is thinking about.  When she is texting, laughing, crying, chatting on the phone its not my name that comes out of her mouth.  This has become a very sad and lonely feeling.


With that said, she wants to maintain a friendship, she wants to be able to talk to me about her life struggles including her current and former relationships.  This feels incredibly unfair.  Its as if she wants her cake and to eat it too.


I love my kids so much and this appears to be the only viable solution but it doesn't feel right.  I mean we are doing everything else together.  Family events, finances, visiting grandparents, schooling, etc.  Its as if we are together but she just wants to have sex with someone else.  ( I know this is quite a closed-minded view but I keep going back to it.)


So the question.  What advice is there for someone in this position?  Has anyone else experienced this? Outcomes?  Ways to work through this? Do I just need to put my big boy pants on and get on down the road?  If it wasn't for the children this would not be anywhere near as hard as it is now...  Thanks for indulging me.
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09-08-2014, 02:33 PM
RE: Living with her while she loves someone else. :-(
Unfortunately, you need to move on from her. I'd try to find the best possible solution for the kids, in this situation. But, I would not stay. You deserve love, not this imitation version of it that you've been accepting all this time.

We teach people how to treat us. I hope that things get better for you. Hugs.

Be true to yourself. Heart
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10-08-2014, 12:10 AM
RE: Living with her while she loves someone else. :-(
I think if the husband has been abusive, she needs to get out of that.

Atheism is the only way to truly be free from sin.
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11-08-2014, 06:48 AM
RE: Living with her while she loves someone else. :-(
You need to move on and out. She is indeed having her cake and eating it too. She has you for all the daily grind of married life while she gets to date the other guy. You need your own place and you do not need to be her crutch.

Not being with the kids every day will be tough, but if you can manage a friendly relationship with her there is no reason you can not still be as involved as you can.
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11-08-2014, 05:37 PM
RE: Living with her while she loves someone else. :-(
I think it's a little of both.

I won't say you need to put on your big boy pants (lol) because while I've never been in that situation, I can see how it's a sensitive matter and you'll need time to go through your feelings.

I agree with Deidre. You DESERVE love and companionship. To be honest, her wanting to be able to share intimate feelings and details of her current relationship are not right. I would draw a line right there. She doesn't have that right anymore. You DESERVE better. Be friendly of course! No reason to burn the bridge, but bffs? Nah. She's dreaming.

My husband was in an abusive relationship before we began dating. Physical abuse, mental abuse, and he's not a weak guy. She just had a hold on him. Thankfully, again, I've never been in that situation, however.

He has said numerous times that the first time he left, he chalked that up to everyone deserving a second chance. Makes sense. The second time he went back? He said he deserved everything he got from there on out. I always disagree, because no one deserves abuse, But I get his point.

At this point, it's on her. She isn't your responsibility anymore, it sounds like she's made that clear. I understand her wanting to work things out, but if he's abusive, come on. Hopefully she understands that she also deserves better.

Things with the kids will work out. I'm sure it'll be weird and out of the norm at first, but it'll be your new normal Smile

Hopefully everything works out for you!!!
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11-08-2014, 09:14 PM
RE: Living with her while she loves someone else. :-(
I feel for you. Sounds like a really tough situation.

I agree with everyone else here. Sadly, there really isn't anything left to be holding on to. She is taking severe advantage of you. If she cared as much about you as you seem to about her (or at least, as much as you want to about her) she wouldn't do this. An unequal relationship like this breeds resentment and if you allow it to fester, it will come out spectacularly some time in the future. And you really can't afford to nuke your relationship with her. I would recommend drawing clear boundaries, and if she doesn't respect them and tries to unload on you or asks you for something a husband should fulfill, remind her of those boundaries.

I don't know her, but for some reason she sounds like someone who will be passive aggressive when/if you have this talk with her and try to make it sound as if you're the one with the problem, not her. Just be prepared for that and don't let her make you feel guilty for protecting yourself.

I also have a bad feeling that she's going to go back to her husband and separate again at least once, if not multiple times, before (hopefully) leaving him for good. I hope you find someone else before then, or she'll probably try to attach herself to you again which will probably end badly-- again.

Maybe I'm being pessimistic.

Also, I'm a little worried about your kids. If this guy is going to be around them, even if he's wonderful to them, seeing their mom being abused emotionally and/or physically is very damaging. I honestly don't know what to do about this aspect of it. You can't stop her from going back to him and a legal route would antagonize the mother of your children.

I really hope everything works out for you. Will be sending good vibes your way Smile.
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