Long-Distance Marriage
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04-02-2013, 09:47 AM
Long-Distance Marriage
Hey guys!

Don't know who else to go to for this. Your input would be welcome.

Here's the deal. I was married this past June. I love my wife. She found me in a crazy state when we first started dating, and much like in the movie Looper (watch it!!) she cleaned me up and has made me into a better person.

The thing is this: We've always planned on a move to either coast. I have a bachelors and a masters degree that I want to use to get into the representation side of the entertainment business. Really, LA and NYC are the only two places to go for that. I've tried getting on board in other cities in the recent past (since we don't live in LA or NYC) but they all want real agency experience from one of those two major hubs.

The problem is, my wife has applied to grad schools. Initially we thought probability was on our side, as 5 of the 10 schools she applied to were in one of those cities. Now, it looks like she's going to have to choose between three places, all in the midwest. One in Texas, one in Indiana, and one in Michigan. Couldn't be further from where I needed to be without actually being closer to another city I need to be.

So now, I'm starting to weigh my options. Do I go with her? She will be in school for 3-4 years, not counting post-grad stuff which may take her elsewhere as well. I would just say that I need to go with her and do what I want when she's all done, but there's a stigma that comes with age in the business. I am about to turn 30, and I fear that my window will close if I wait until my mid-thirties to start working on my career, and I'll be resigned to doing what I do currently, being a cell phone salesman, for the rest of my life.

So, if I go with her, I run the risk of losing my shot at a career. If I go to either coast, it will put a strain on my marriage. Five years ago, this would have been an easy decision, and I would have gone with her. But wanting to work on my career is something I want to do FOR her, so that we may enjoy a sense of stability, both financially and with my own goals, down the line.

It also occurs to me that I may not be cut out for that line of work, but I won't know unless I try.

Have any of you done the long-distance semi-long-term thing before, in your marriage? How did that work for you?

Basically, should I stay with her, wherever she goes, or go work on myself and hope that we can maintain our great relationship for a few years?

Would like to hear your thoughts.
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04-02-2013, 10:34 PM (This post was last modified: 04-02-2013 10:38 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Long-Distance Marriage
(04-02-2013 09:47 AM)sleepsoldier Wrote:  Have any of you done the long-distance semi-long-term thing before, in your marriage? How did that work for you?

Yup. GirlyMan went on a rotational assignment to the fucking cornfields of UIUC as a visiting researcher and ManlyGirl was supposed to follow but her Mom died and shit changed. Did two years in the fucking cornfields without my family. ... But ManlyGirl came out to visit every quarter or so and I went back for some meetings or shit. The ensuing sex was fucking fantastic. ... 'Course we'd been married 15 years at that point.

I am us and we is me. ... bitches.
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05-02-2013, 09:40 PM
RE: Long-Distance Marriage
Six month stints living apart twice. Like Girly says, sex was fanfuckingtastic!


The bigger question is whose career do you follow? We solved it by letting her do the corporate career bit and I became my own boss. Everytime she was promoted I packed up my shit, closed shop and started all over again. Hard? Yes. Results? Great marriage and now she's retired and I'm still running my own business. Loving life.

But here is one very important question you didn't address in your post: What does she think?

“I suppose our capacity for self-delusion is boundless."
― John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's." - Mark Twain in Eruption
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05-02-2013, 09:50 PM
RE: Long-Distance Marriage
Where in TX? Austin has quite a music scene. Dallas has a little bit of everything. If you need experience to get to the top you may not be able to start at the top.

Just a thought.

See here they are, the bruises, some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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05-02-2013, 10:54 PM
RE: Long-Distance Marriage
(04-02-2013 09:47 AM)sleepsoldier Wrote:  ... and one in Michigan. Couldn't be further from where I needed to be without actually being closer to another city I need to be.

Motown ain't dead, it's just The Island Def Jam Music Group now. Michigan has great schools (Ann Arbor especially so). Go with Michigan and you can both do your thing. Detroit ain't that far from Ann Arbor.

I am us and we is me. ... bitches.
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06-02-2013, 10:52 AM
RE: Long-Distance Marriage
The schools she's looking at are in Huntsville, TX, Terra Haute, IN, and Mt. Pleasant, MI.

We currently live in Philly and everywhere I go (there are talent agents here) they always ask if I have any experience. I say no and that I'll start as a grunt and prove myself, and they all say the same thing: "We want people with major agency experience."

Disheartening.

I have talked to the wife about it a bit. Every time I bring it up she retreats and says "I don't have to go to grad school, it's okay."

But I want her to be happy and successful, even if it causes us some problems. Knowing how she reacts in these situations, I want to see the full picture. I want to be prepared to logically talk out our options.
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07-02-2013, 10:20 PM
RE: Long-Distance Marriage
I didn't catch if you said what field she's going into, but it sounds like she has planned to do this for a long time. You don't want to hold her back on her planned career path. Also, y'all may want to sit down and run some numbers. What will her earning potential be after grad and post-grad? How good are your prospects if you move to NYC or LA? Is it possible to move there for a short time and feel it out, then if it doesn't work out, move where she is? Can you land a job via internet and phone calls before moving, or do you have to go ahead and move there first? What about the cost of maintaining two places (NYC and LA are particularly expensive). What about her student loans?

I don't have the answers and wouldn't tell you what you should do, just maybe run some financial scenarios. You are nearing 30, and retirement sounds a long way away, but you two need to start thinking about that. Maybe thinking about finances can yield some insight. Y'all may have already done these things, but just wanted to throw some ideas out there. I'd tell you to pray about it, but hey, I'm an atheist lol! Good luck on whatever you two decide.

Godless in the Magnolia State
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