Lost a Sister
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05-06-2014, 08:59 PM (This post was last modified: 05-06-2014 09:04 PM by Misanthropik.)
Lost a Sister
So recently, my sister and I had a falling out. As many of you know, she and I are the only atheistic survivors of a religiously-inflicted family, and as such, we've become rather close. She and I have lived together for the past few years, and almost every life decision that we've made, we've made with the other in mind. When we moved away from home, we did so together. When we got a new place, we did so together. (In separate living quarters, of course, but still alongside and with the help of one another) When I met my previous girlfriend and considered moving out of state, my sister and I considered doing so together. We are all either of us has ever really known or trusted, and so everything we've done or thought about doing, we did or thought about doing together.

A few weeks ago, I decided to enter a relationship with one of my bed-buddies, and put my foot down on getting the hell out of this place. My last two relationships promised to get me out of the purgatory that is my current existence, but each fell through, and now I'm taking life by the horns and making things happen for myself. If I want to get out of my rut and set out on my own, I need to do it for myself. So my girl and I are taking steps to do just that. We're gathering resources and making plans and our next move is to uproot ourselves from our current life and start over in a new place with new opportunities. It's what we need right now.

The problem, however, arose when I confronted my sister about this plan. It was an otherwise peaceful evening, and I decided that it was time she be made privy to my plans. I told her - very politely - that she and I "needed to branch out and discover ourselves" for a bit. I told her that we needed to begin to pull away from the tight bond that has kept us together for years and discover who we are as individuals. Bear in mind, I have been able to do this - despite her presence - with little to no problem. But she's not so independent. She's very socially conservative, and I'm the only real "friend" she's ever known. She has a very difficult time interacting with and being open with others. I was once the same, myself, and I'm confident that she can open up and spread her wings if she only gives herself the chance to do so. But she doesn't seem to want to because she's scared.

So, perhaps not surprisingly, when I brought up the idea of going our separate ways for a while, she reacted unfavorably. She became offended, and wondered (under the guise of playful teasing) why I would want to depart from her and what it would mean for our relationship in the future. I assured her that she and I can always be what we've always been, but pointed out to her that it would be healthy for each of us to have some space and learn to be without one another for once. I need to be who I am without her around, and she needs the same.

After a lengthy discussion, she went to bed; trying in vain to hide her hurt feelings from me. The next day, she barely spoke to me. While we once used to talk openly and at length about even the most trivial of things, she now engages in conversations using only one-word answers and then gets back to whatever she was doing before I 'intruded." Her attitude is so dismissive and unpleasant that I've asked her multiple times if she's "throwing an egg" (undergoing PMS) and asked her why she's being such a bitch when all I want to do is talk. But she dismisses my most intentionally-inflamatory remarks in the most apathetic and uncaring of manners; pretending obviously to not know what I could possibly be talking about and then going back to whatever she was doing. This has been going on for the past week or so. She has become increasingly distant, and has made tangible plans to move out of state and begin her life anew somewhere else. She makes it clear that this is not precisely what she wants - almost to spite me - but implies that she has no other choice. She barely speaks to me now, and won't let me in on exactly what she intends to do from hence forth.

Personally, I think she's pissed at me for wanting to create some space between us, and knowing her personality as I do, she's taking the extreme route by saying "fuck you" and removing me from her life completely. She's looking into classes that will help her start a new job wherever she moves, and she's taking all the money that we once shared with no problem and leaving. Her way of saying "You want distance? Fine. I'll give you distance." I think she's scared of the real world, and she feels that my desire to live my own life is a form of abandonment.

So…what the hell? Part of me wants to cut my losses and let her react however she wants, but another part of me knows that this is my fucking sister, and she's the only one who has ever been there for me, in the truest sense, through all of the shit that life has thrown at me. Each time I was deserted by someone who claimed to love me, she was there. Each time I needed someone to distract me from the shit that is occasionally my life, she was there. Each time I wanted nothing more than to swallow a fucking bullet, she was there. We got matching tattoos, for christ's sake. Now, she's clearly upset with me because I want each of us to be our own people, and she's completely rejecting me because of it. (In many more clear and tangible ways than I've listed here) I understand you guys don't know her like I do, but, given what I've said, is there any hope of slapping some sense into her? (Figuratively or literally; I'll accept either one)

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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05-06-2014, 09:12 PM
RE: Lost a Sister
Here's the thing, you made all these plans, and then made your choice, and then brought her into the loop. She had no warning that her world was going to be thrown all crazy. You had the benefit of time to think it thru. She didn't. You did make the choice for both of you.

So, in the interim, her life has been turned upside down and now she is on her own and you are saying things like wanting space, learn to live without each other, well that exactly what she's doing.

You want space- you got it- now live with your choice.

She is hurt, betrayed, lost because what she thought was working clearly wasn't working for you, she probably has a hundred emotions going at once and now you are getting pissy because she is struggling to get a grip on it all and plan things out on your timetable.

I'd be pissy with you too.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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05-06-2014, 09:15 PM
RE: Lost a Sister
Don't slap her in any way shape or form. You've hurt her. All you need to be doing is apologizing and encouraging her that she can be on her own successfully and that you're still available for support. And when you know exactly why she's upset, don't ask if she's PMSing! Honestly!

Being really close to a family member and then going separate ways is hard. I had a depressed feeling when I moved to the other side of the world from my family. But it's definitely doable, and you can still talk and be close, if not physically close.

Atheism is the only way to truly be free from sin.
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05-06-2014, 09:15 PM
RE: Lost a Sister
(05-06-2014 09:12 PM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Here's the thing, you made all these plans, and then made your choice, and then brought her into the loop.

Not really. Plans were (and even are) still in the works when she was brought on board. In fact, the situation was presented to her in the form of a question. "How would you feel about so-and-so, because I feel like we need to branch out…"

Sorry if I didn't make that very clear. I'm more than a little tipsy.

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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05-06-2014, 09:16 PM
RE: Lost a Sister
If you're as close as you describe, she's just reacting naturally to the pain of having to lose the immediacy of the relationship you have had over the years. She'll come around I'm sure. Just give her some time to digest the change and make peace with it. Don't act hurt, understand her disappointment and do what you can to reach out to her. It's a big change for the both of you, and you'll need each other to lean on.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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05-06-2014, 09:30 PM
RE: Lost a Sister
(05-06-2014 09:15 PM)Colourcraze Wrote:  and you can still talk and be close, if not physically close.

I'm not even against being physically close. I told her we could move to the same place. (I'm looking into a beach-front city out of state, and told her we could each get apartments out there) But even when I suggested that, she just responded with "Huh" and continued making her dinner. She acted like she didn't really care either way.

I'm just suggesting we branch out and explore life without having such a stranglehold on one another, and she's acting like I told her to fuck off entirely.

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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07-06-2014, 11:14 AM
RE: Lost a Sister
You told her that you'd kinda, sorta breakup just a little bit.

What your sister heard was, "Blah blah breakup blah blah blah bah."

It will take some time and reassurance from you for her to fill in the blah blahs.

Have you included her in the decision-making about where to move? That might be a good place to start and show her that she IS included. And if you've already make the decision about which city, she can help you decide which neighborhood or which apartments. You have to ACT like she's included to make her believe that she really is.

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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07-06-2014, 11:47 AM
RE: Lost a Sister
Give your sister a bit of time Miso. She might not like what your plans are, but eventually she might be more accepting after she's had time to cool down. Keep her in the loop tho as you continue to make plans even if she doesn't want to be.

Some people will react like it's not going to happen (fiddle-de-de says Scarlet O'hara), Other's go your sister's route with a bit of passive/aggression. There's also lots of other stuff in between...

At least with the passive/aggression you know your sister is beginning to process it all. Right now she's stuck in that loop of how this all affects her. Eventually the thoughts should come around to what's best for you both. Even if takes her longer to come around to it.

Good luck to your future plans, whatever you ultimately decide.

Heart Hug


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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07-06-2014, 11:54 AM
RE: Lost a Sister
You "broke up" with your sister. Problem is you're not some ex she can just forget about by writing off completely. You're her brother! So the wounds may take longer to heal than if you were her boyfriend.

Hanging around her and trying to get her to understand is going to be painful. Explanations will seem like you are patronising her. Tough draw.

8000 years before Jesus, the Egyptian god Horus said, "I am the way, the truth, the life."
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07-06-2014, 11:59 AM
RE: Lost a Sister
She is SCARED! She doesn't want to talk because she is digesting and doesn't want to say things she will regret later.

Just give it TIME and be helpful in every way with things that she will have to change because she is alone.

Make sure you include frequent socializing with her in your plans and let her know that.

She needs to wean herself off your relationship and into a life alone. Wean - that means gradually, bit by bit.

You are moving towards something new, she is just losing something. Of course you won't be feeling the same way about it.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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