Lost my little brother
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22-10-2016, 05:09 PM
Lost my little brother
It's been a year or more since I came here, but considering the situation, I couldn't really think of an alternative, even though I have friends and family supporting me.


I lost my younger brother yesterday. He committed suicide, only hours after we last spoke and laughed and made plans to go out next week. He left a wife and a 4yo daughter. And he left me... He was a 30yo navy petty officer and he died alone in his quarters on base, without leaving a note or even the slightest trace that might explain his decision.

As an atheist, I don't have the delusion that he is 'in a better place', 'playing with the angels' or 'shining as a special little star in the sky'. For me, he's just gone, forever.

I always thought that we had a special relationship and that we could share anything. He lived in a house right across the street from me, so we saw each other a lot. And still, I didn't see it coming. I never suspected the slightest thing until it was too late.

He was always the optimist and the fun one, and he had way more friends. I'm much more serious, lost most of my friends while obtaining my university degree as a working student, and I have depressive tendencies combined with a somewhat cynical personality. He was my mother's favorite ever since he was born as a breech baby with club feet. He was somewhat frailer, needed more attention in school, had asthma (but still managed to join the navy), almost died of pneumonia as an infant, but he was a cute little guy that everybody loved, including (and especially) me. I didn't care that she made his sandwiches many years after I already made my own, because that's a perk of being the youngest. I was never really jealous, because he would smile at me and I would love him for it.

I taught him to walk, ride his bike, play on the Nintendo... about everything. And sure, we fought a lot like brothers do, but we loved each other and were always there for one another. He joined the navy 2 years after me and we had really fun times together during our service period together, like our youth would never end.

He found a really beautiful wife and they got an equally beautiful daughter together. I got a son with my girlfriend last year. Our kids played together during a family reunion last weekend, we shared a nice meal, talked, joked, laughed, discussed politics... just your normal family meeting.


All that ended yesterday... Everything I've experienced with him for the last 30 years seems like a lie now. I wasn't there for him when he needed me most. He didn't ask for my help. He didn't even give me a hint. He didn't leave a reason why. I could have given him all my spare time, my money, those things weren't an issue. If he wanted to leave his wife for some reason, I have a spare bedroom with facilities and privacy, he could have stayed as long as needed and I would have done everything to get him back on his feet.

He didn't share his motive and he didn't ask for my help.

He died alone, hanging from a rope, in the military barracks where he stayed 1-2 nights a week. And I wasn't there for him... And I just wondered what he was thinking those last moments...


I can't look at my own son without seeing his face, my baby brother, because they look so much alike. I couldn't utter a single word at the funeral home today. I'm a 198cm tall port authority officer that has to make tough calls all day with arrogant and aggressive people and I have to be confident in doing so. Now I cry when I see the slightest reminder of him, which is about everything and everywhere. And I'm so mad, and I feel so so guilty for not being there for him. I would spend all my savings and give away my house just to know why he did what he did.

And the worst of all is, he's gone. No afterlife, no friendly ghost, no reincarnation as a deity with own personal planet. he's just completely gone forever and I can't do anything about it... And I don't know how to go on from here. Everything seems like a huge lie...

"Infinitus est numerus stultorum." (The number of fools is infinite)
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22-10-2016, 05:15 PM
RE: Lost my little brother
I am so sorry to hear of this.

No words of wisdom...just sorrow for you and your family.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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22-10-2016, 05:20 PM
RE: Lost my little brother
Oh Sad I am truly, truly sorry. I don't know you personally, but I can feel the pain in your post. Losing a loved one is so painful, there is no comparison. I lost a family member to suicide...it just HURTS. I hope you can get some support or speak to someone to help you get through this time. Grief counseling may help you with your feelings.

Virtual hugs to you!!
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22-10-2016, 05:21 PM
RE: Lost my little brother
I don't even know you and my heart is breaking, I wish I could do more than just offer my sympathies.
I'm so sorry. Hug
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22-10-2016, 05:29 PM
RE: Lost my little brother
I am so very sad to hear this.

I lost a brother that way several years back. There are no easy words.

Cherish those memories, they are what remains of him. Hold your girlfriend and your sister-in-law and both kids tight. You are all going to need each other.

---
Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
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22-10-2016, 05:32 PM
RE: Lost my little brother
I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine what you're going through.

There is always a small piece of our mind that we keep to ourselves. It's a private place that no one knows about. But sometimes this is a place that harbors our darkest thoughts and deepest depression and the only time anyone else knows it even exists is when something like this happens.

I offer my sincerest condolences to you. If you feel like writing more about your brother and your sadness, please do... we will all listen.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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22-10-2016, 05:35 PM
RE: Lost my little brother
Hug

Suicide is like a bomb going off filled with nails and crap -- everyone is hurt, it's just a matter of degrees.

I'm sorry for your loss.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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22-10-2016, 05:36 PM
RE: Lost my little brother
My heart aches for you, bud.
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22-10-2016, 05:54 PM
RE: Lost my little brother
Sad

[Image: gigan_hugs_megalon_by_drbuffalo-d6rucwe.jpg]

It always hurts to lose your brother

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

Alouette, je te plumerai.
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22-10-2016, 06:04 PM
RE: Lost my little brother
I am so sorry. I am here to listen any time. We are here.
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