Major Identity Crisis Here
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20-07-2015, 12:55 PM
RE: Major Identity Crisis Here
I'd probably want to know, but more as a matter of curiosity than as an action plan. Your dad is still the man who had the relationship with you for all of those years.

You know your father best, but telling such a story so long after the fact might be just another salvo in your parents' ongoing battle. It sounds as though your dad has a lot of reasons to want bad things about your mom and his brothers to be true, and who knows what the landlady has actually told him and whether he's twisting it what she said.

Definitely a disturbing thing to hear. I would be upset, too.

This kind of thing does happen. In my husband's family, there was a similar scenario involving the parentage of my FIL: the man who had been married to my FIL's dad was not his biological father, a fact unknown by almost everyone in the family until my husband was about 15, when somehow it became widely known. That particular revelation led to a bunch of arguments and trauma, but eventually nothing much else, and it didn't change the relationship between my FIL and his dad.
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20-07-2015, 01:02 PM
RE: Major Identity Crisis Here
(20-07-2015 12:52 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(20-07-2015 12:43 PM)Mr. Boston Wrote:  Well now that there's some "question" as to my origin I don't see how I could possibly go through the rest of my life not knowing for sure. I think ultimately I need to understand where I came from. I mean he's the guy who raised me, he's the guy I'll call my father and my kids will call their grandfather no matter what the result, but I still need to KNOW. And of course, if we get a test and it comes back that it's not a match, that wouldn't tell me WHO actually sired me; just that it's not my dad. So I'd then have to approach my uncles and ask them to take tests, sending tsunami-like ripples through their families, marriages, etc. I'm sure my brother, who doesn't know about any of this yet, would then question his own origins too.

Then of course I can't deny that if the test comes back a match, and he is my biological father, I'm gonna be pretty damn pissed at him for all the conspiracy nonsense. I feel like I'd still want to know if there was any truth to the stories of the late night liaisons between my mother and uncles.

There's no way I can see that this doesn't end up being ugly one way or another.

It's still the same gene pool, so you want to know because......it affects.... ?

It affects the stories I've been told my entire life about who my parents are. It would mean that my mother essentially lied to me and the whole world for 36 years. I don't know, maybe it would compel me to try and develop more of a relationship with my uncles. I'm not looking for a different relationship with my father, I'm not looking for a new father, but I'm inclined to think that not knowing is going to eat at me for the rest of my life. Knowledge is power right? Isn't that one of the major problems most of us have with "faith" and with just accepting the official story? How can I advocate that people explore knowledge and truth, when it comes to their beliefs if I'm not prepared to do the same about my identity? I don't know, I just don't see how I could be comfortable with myself knowing that there's now some question about all this, that my understanding of my lineage comes from a place of ignorance. I can't help but think that whatever decisions I end up making about my relationships with my relatives are better made coming from a position of knowledge.
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20-07-2015, 01:15 PM
RE: Major Identity Crisis Here
I wouldn't need to know. Believe me it's something I've thought about.

You can't unring that bell. If it's true, your uncles would be "outed" who's to say they want to be?

Loud music and alcohol, also doesn't mean your mom cheated with his brothers. Hubby's brother would come by lots of times when hubby was at work. Nothing ever happened. He just didn't want to be around his own bitch of a wife.

I was a lot nicer back in those days. Before the inner bitch took hold. Angel


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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20-07-2015, 01:51 PM
RE: Major Identity Crisis Here
(20-07-2015 01:15 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  You can't unring that bell. If it's true, your uncles would be "outed" who's to say they want to be?

If it's true, I'm not sure I care what they want. But yeah, it's certainly part of how I'm weighing all this, what the impact would be to their families too. I definitely want to know for sure who my biological father is; what I'll do with that knowledge I'm not sure. That'll probably require lots of reflection.
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20-07-2015, 01:59 PM
RE: Major Identity Crisis Here
(20-07-2015 12:14 PM)Mr. Boston Wrote:  But then I think, what if it's TRUE? What if I'm not who I think I am?
This is the question.

Your genetic donors aren't you. There is no need to focus on the genetics of it.
Your recent shock is making you put far too much weight on genetics.
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20-07-2015, 02:08 PM (This post was last modified: 20-07-2015 02:15 PM by Bucky Ball.)
RE: Major Identity Crisis Here
"Fathering" is more than inseminating. So he IS your "father", and that will never change.

If you really think at some point you wish to sort out the DNA, then that's up to you. I sould go talk to a counsellor ASAP though ... someone you know to be good. But be careful that he (da) is not hurt, and that he knows you love him always as your dad, no matter what.

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
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20-07-2015, 02:25 PM (This post was last modified: 20-07-2015 02:35 PM by Mr. Boston.)
RE: Major Identity Crisis Here
(20-07-2015 01:59 PM)Stevil Wrote:  This is the question.

Your genetic donors aren't you. There is no need to focus on the genetics of it.
Your recent shock is making you put far too much weight on genetics.

I understand that. It's not like I'd become a new person if I discovered my parentage was other than what I've been told; and it's not as if I'd walk away from my dad and try to replace him with whomever my biological father is. I'm not talking about genetics but while we're on that subject the uncle I look a great deal like has heart disease and diabetes and my dad doesn't, so if my risk factors would be potentially higher if he was my biological father, that's practical information I should probably have.

This is more about the emotional impact than any physical or biological ramifications. I just feel like I'm entitled to the truth. Now if my mother was sneaking around on the side 36+ years ago, that marriage failed, I'm not judging as far as that goes, they had a bad marriage, fine. But if she got pregnant and knew or suspected the father was someone other than her husband but chose to keep that a secret, that's an ongoing conspiracy and continuous decision. I would be mad about that, but I like to think I'd also be able to put myself in her shoes. If I was a woman in that situation I can't say for sure I wouldn't take the exact same path. It could be that she's been suffering with this for all this time, and if so the agony of keeping that secret is bad enough. I don't intend to put her through additional heartache; I just feel like I have a right to know.
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20-07-2015, 02:34 PM
RE: Major Identity Crisis Here
Or you could hate yourself for the rest of your life for having destroyed your relative's and their families' lives 36 years after a moment of hot sex happened after some booze and music?

Being "right" is not the issue here. Being human is.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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20-07-2015, 02:39 PM
RE: Major Identity Crisis Here
(20-07-2015 02:34 PM)Dom Wrote:  Or you could hate yourself for the rest of your life for having destroyed your relative's and their families' lives 36 years after a moment of hot sex happened after some booze and music?

Being "right" is not the issue here. Being human is.

Or I could just find out for my own edification then choose not to expose the secret. I don't know, my gut says it'd be better to have the knowledge then figure out what to do with it, than to have this question mark hanging over me. Plus, these relationships are already frayed. My dad and his brothers are already estranged; this wouldn't really change anything in practice.

Anyway it's a lot to mull over for sure. Thanks for the different perspectives guys.
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20-07-2015, 03:00 PM
RE: Major Identity Crisis Here
(20-07-2015 02:39 PM)Mr. Boston Wrote:  
(20-07-2015 02:34 PM)Dom Wrote:  Or you could hate yourself for the rest of your life for having destroyed your relative's and their families' lives 36 years after a moment of hot sex happened after some booze and music?

Being "right" is not the issue here. Being human is.

Or I could just find out for my own edification then choose not to expose the secret. I don't know, my gut says it'd be better to have the knowledge then figure out what to do with it, than to have this question mark hanging over me. Plus, these relationships are already frayed. My dad and his brothers are already estranged; this wouldn't really change anything in practice.

Anyway it's a lot to mull over for sure. Thanks for the different perspectives guys.

Well, the uncles may have wives and kids? Anyway, I would sleep on it for a week or so and if it then still nagged at me, I'd get the test and probably keep it to myself.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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