Making headway with death and loss
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
18-06-2016, 01:20 AM
RE: Making headway with death and loss
I'm with ya mate.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Banjo's post
18-06-2016, 08:04 AM
RE: Making headway with death and loss
Thanks Dale and Thump.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
18-06-2016, 08:09 AM
RE: Making headway with death and loss
(17-06-2016 09:55 PM)skyking Wrote:  Today I reasoned my way to a different perspective, thanks to the positive influence of this place and my friends here.
In the past I've given lip service to the concept of looking at things from another's perspective. It sounds good to say, but often as not I was not really doing it.
My dad lived in fear of his next heart attack after he had the first couple. I could see it, but not really from his point of view. Not until today, anyway. He could not do what he wanted to any more, and always this shadow following him around.
When it came it was sudden and final, and he did not suffer. I did the suffering for him, needlessly harming myself in the process.
How lucky he was, to be there and then gone! I can say that now.
Sure I miss him, miss sharing the things we had in common. BFD, it is nothing that can be fixed. I can remember him by sharing stories, thinking of good times.
My mother died in 2009, and today I examined this part of her life in possibly a new light.
She too had chronic health problems and had pain in her bowels all the time, due to vascular degeneration from a lifetime of smoking. There was nothing to be done about it. She loved to work in her garden, but could no longer do so because of ischemic episodes. She'd wake up in a heap in the garden, covered in sweat and vomit. There was no warning.
One day she went out to play evening bingo as she usually did, and at the middle of the session she made the rounds and said her goodbyes. Something had changed in how she felt, and she knew she was going to die soon.
She had worked her life as a nurse. She knew the score, and had no interest in making any effort to extend her time. She was tired and ready to go.
She made more of these goodbyes that day, drove home and parked her car for the last time.
We got a doc to come visit and he said her COPD was worsening. he got some oxygen there for her comfort and meds for pain. In a week she lost consciousness, and 3 days later she was gone. Remarkably, she died 34 years to the day after her middle son.
We gathered there as families often do, visiting with her and still talking to her as she slept. Played music, chatted, turned her room into the party room. My sister and I felt this was just wrong. Here was a woman who could hardly fart in front of you, and here all this family came and went, who claimed that she could still hear them and somehow that was comforting to her. I knew it was for us and not her. She needed some peace so she could find peace, and I said as much. It caused some bad feelings but they moved the "party" out of her room, and we stayed with her quietly one or two at a time and she was gone.
Now I look back and take that other perspective. Mom was not afraid, she was ready to go. The meds took away the pain, but the emotional pain of our being there was huge. She knew how much pain we would be in, and she felt that with us. It was agony for her. She had suffered all those years after her son had died, she knew the pain that was to come.
I look back and realize this now. I think that for those who are not afraid, NOT being surrounded by already grieving loved ones would be so much better. I think of the comfort that nurses give dying patients, comfort with no baggage and want to thank each and every one who has been there for a patient. Caring and comfort that is not this shared grieving.
I must thank you guys and gals for helping me to think, to get to a different place.
My face is not even wet as I type these thoughts out. There is nothing at all wrong with crying, I am just not hurting that way. It is a liberating feeling.

Hug

I'm glad you've found some peace with it all. That is a comfort by itself.

[Image: dnw9krH.jpg?4]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Heatheness's post
18-06-2016, 08:16 AM
RE: Making headway with death and loss
I really loathe the term, but this was truly a paradigm shift.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
18-06-2016, 09:52 AM
RE: Making headway with death and loss
Both my parents don't exist anymore. Their energy has been repurposed though. My mother had a massive aneurysm when I was 28. She survived but I was pretty much left without a mother. We were very close. She died 14 years later from lung cancer.

It took me about 6 years to forget the person she became after her aneurysm and lung cancer and re-remember the person she was before all that. I enjoy talking about her with my kids since they never really knew her. It's kind of a joyful thing. I find myself using some of her goofy phrases and sayings , "Well, shit on the shores of Shanghai!"...."Yeah? Well, up yours with a giggy stick!" "Ta-ta you ridiculous twat" She was such a kick. Laugh out load

Feel free to use my mom's phrases. Big Grin

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like dancefortwo's post
18-06-2016, 09:56 AM
RE: Making headway with death and loss
My mom and brother, one evening as he came home late. He was a beautiful 16 year old, a complete package of swoon who quoted poetry while looking fabulous and macho all at the same time.

"whatcha doing son, out fucking around?"
"anything that moves"
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like skyking's post
18-06-2016, 09:58 AM
RE: Making headway with death and loss
So glad things have become a bit easier for you SK *hugs*

When I lost my dad, it was a big shock, because he was still fairly young when he got sick. I was very religious back then and I kept trying to make sense of it via God. I felt let down by God. It was like a double sadness if that makes any sense. But after becoming an atheist, it made my dad's passing easier to accept, easier to understand. I still miss my dad every day, but I view death as a part of life and not as something the gods are in control of. After reading "Why you want a physicist to speak at your funeral," I found much more peace with that than I did with "Well, God felt it was your dad's time" or "God needed another angel."
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes jennybee's post
18-06-2016, 10:01 AM (This post was last modified: 18-06-2016 10:39 AM by skyking.)
RE: Making headway with death and loss
(18-06-2016 09:52 AM)dancefortwo Wrote:  Both my parents don't exist anymore. Their energy has been repurposed though. My mother had a massive aneurysm when I was 28. She survived but I was pretty much left without a mother. We were very close. She died 14 years later from lung cancer.

It took me about 6 years to forget the person she became after her aneurysm and lung cancer and re-remember the person she was before all that. I enjoy talking about her with my kids since they never really knew her. It's kind of a joyful thing. I find myself using some of her goofy phrases and sayings , "Well, shit on the shores of Shanghai!"...."Yeah? Well, up yours with a giggy stick!" "Ta-ta you ridiculous twat" She was such a kick. Laugh out load

Feel free to use my mom's phrases. Big Grin
will do Tongue
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes skyking's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: