Married to a TRUE believer
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22-04-2016, 02:41 PM
Married to a TRUE believer
Hello everybody,

This is my first real thread here, so let's see how it goes. I am a recent deconvert, I was raised fundamentalist Christian, Assemblies of God, and more recently Christian missionary alliance. I actually met my wife while at bible camp and for the most part my spirituality was more passive than anything.

But in the last two years, I have started doubting and now in the last 3 months, I have come out to at least the friends of mine that are professed atheists. But it still remains that I am a closeted atheist.

I have tested the waters a bit with my wife, casually bringing up that I have been reading about biblical origins (Bart Erhman) and that I have found some interesting things on how the new testament was put together. That did not go over well at all.

A bit about my wife, she loves history, she loves learning about other cultures, but when it comes to her own, it's off limits it seems. She will watch or read about ancient cultures and their gods but if anything is even hinted about the Christian faith it's not right. So when my wife whom I usually see as very intelligent and a lover of knowledge tells me "you should be careful what you read, you don't want to get too intellectual for your faith." it just kills me.

On top of it all, I have been roped into helping with the children's church, when we started i was not so strong in my convictions, but now all I can see is the brainwashing we are doing to get these kids to believe.

I know that there will be consequences if I come out, but I don't want to lose my family (which includes one daughter and one soon to be arriving), but at the same time, I can't stand to be furthering these lies.

Just throwing this out there to see if anyone has any advice...

thanks!
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22-04-2016, 03:07 PM
RE: Married to a TRUE believer
That's a touchy situation you're in. I understand how you feel about the children's church, but given the fact that you have a child on the way maybe it would be best to not push the issue until after the birth.
You already have one child so you know how stressful it is with a newborn in the house. Putting religion on the back burner might be a good move for now.
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22-04-2016, 03:08 PM
RE: Married to a TRUE believer
No advice, but your story isn't uncommon. I'm still firmly closeted. In mixed company I say Humanist, rather than atheist.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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22-04-2016, 03:12 PM
RE: Married to a TRUE believer
(22-04-2016 03:08 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  No advice, but your story isn't uncommon. I'm still firmly closeted. In mixed company I say Humanist, rather than atheist.

I'm truly amazed.....

You don't seem to have problems telling people shit -- (like me, especially when I deserve it....)....

I'd have thought you to be outta the closet like a gay day parade......

Big Grin

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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22-04-2016, 03:55 PM
RE: Married to a TRUE believer
Welcome to the Club Her0.

Congratulations on your new arrival.

It a touchy subject and situation. The only advice I can think of. If your in a position of discomfort lying to the children is leave that job. Go at the pass you feel comfortable with. I wouldn't want to teach anything I knew was wrong. Your children would be a little more in your domain. I would suggest Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief by: Dale McGowan

If you're the rebellious type, change the class up a little to make the kids try to become freethinkers. It can be done sudtly I assure you.

In terms of you wife, I would defiantly be forth right with her. My wife is a christian as well. We went into this marriage with her knowing my position. It was a rocky road at first. And the subject itself is still a sensitive one.

I would like to talk with my wife about this subject more but it often ends in arguments or her closing herself off to me. So I've been looking into street epistemology. It's a way of asking questions to a person and allows them to deconstruct their own thinking process without you forcing ideas upon them.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_q...istemology

Best of luck the forum is always here if you want to vent.

Don't Live each day like it's your last. Live each day like you have 541 days after that one where every choice you make will have lasting implications to you and the world around you. ~ Tim Minchin
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22-04-2016, 03:57 PM
RE: Married to a TRUE believer
I've personally never been in your situation, so I can't really offer you any first-hand advice. I can point you in the direction of an excellent book by Dale McGowan, an American author, speaker, and philanthropist who's written and edited several books related to atheism. It's called In Faith and In Doubt. and you might like to check it out HERE.

"Despite the general pall that so many commentators cast over religiously mixed marriages of every kind, the picture of the secular/religious marriage is positive and encouraging.

That’s not to say it’s always positive. After all, we’ve just spent a great deal of time examining the many issues and tensions that can arise when one partner is religious and the other is not. Helping couples work through such issues is one of the main purposes of this book. But most couples do find the challenges manageable, tension usually decreases over time, and many people find that the benefits outweigh the challenges.

When I asked respondents to my survey to describe any specific benefits or positive results from their secular/religious difference, fewer than 5% said they couldn’t think of any benefits. The rest offered not only benefits, but many of the same benefits, over and over.
"

—Good luck. Smile

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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24-04-2016, 09:13 AM
RE: Married to a TRUE believer
I would leave it alone for the time being and focus on getting yourself in a good place. You are fresh out of it and it can be a scary time (it was for me anyway). Get good with yourself if you aren't already and don't push her. It can be very taxing on her to think that you will be in hell depending on her theology and church. I have been married to a christian for nearly 13 years and we also have 3 kids. I have not gone to church outside of a wedding or funeral for about 10 of those years. Simply me not going has caused my boys to ask questions. I think that as long as they see that you are a good person and that you don't buy it, that helps inoculate them a ton.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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24-04-2016, 09:29 AM
RE: Married to a TRUE believer
(22-04-2016 02:41 PM)herrozerro Wrote:  Hello everybody,

A bit about my wife, she loves history, she loves learning about other cultures, but when it comes to her own, it's off limits it seems. She will watch or read about ancient cultures and their gods but if anything is even hinted about the Christian faith it's not right. So when my wife whom I usually see as very intelligent and a lover of knowledge tells me "you should be careful what you read, you don't want to get too intellectual for your faith." it just kills me.

Welcome.

I find it so odd that there are people who are afraid to learn things that may shake their faith. If they are so strong in their faith you would think that fear would not be there...it's an odd concept to me.

I am not sure how to deal with the situation you, and others, are in. My husband kinda, sorta believes...not really...he was raised by his southern, religious grandparents and it's just sort of ingrained - not thought out really. Almost a habit. I get some raised eyebrows when I say things but we really don't discuss it much.

A couple weeks ago he was watching Neil deGrasse Tyson on TV. In the corner of the screen was the announcement of the 'God' documentary coming on afterward that is narrated by Morgan Freeman. I said, "Funny, a show about God narrated by an atheist." I got a raised eyebrow and 'the look'. I had to run with it and added that NDT is an atheist and well known in the atheist realm. I got up and left the room for a moment and when I came back he had changed the channel.

I don't make a big deal of my non-belief. Over time his remarks to me have become fewer. We just tend to not talk about it much. It would be a real pain if it was a daily issue. His full back tattoo of the Archangel Michael kind of cracks me up. I can't tell you the last time my husband entered a church for anything other than a funeral.

There are several here who are going through what you are.

Hang around...good people here.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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24-04-2016, 09:33 AM
RE: Married to a TRUE believer
ugh jeez No I'm never dating a religious person. I'm too anti religious for that to ever work. I don't like doublethink.
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24-04-2016, 11:32 AM
RE: Married to a TRUE believer
(24-04-2016 09:33 AM)Mittens Deluxe Wrote:  ugh jeez No I'm never dating a religious person. I'm too anti religious for that to ever work. I don't like doublethink.

Being overly anti-religious is just gonna give you ulcers. We do sorta have to get along with 'em. They are the majority.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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